30. Ellie
30
ELLIE
‘ A re you sure about this now?’ her gran asked after she’d released her from their hug. They’d come to the café that morning to have breakfast and for Ellie to see the chickens before she left for London. She’d grown fond of the birds and didn’t like to leave without seeing them.
Ellie gave a one shoulder shrug. Chewed at a ragged cuticle. Placed a cool hand on her forehead and sighed.
‘I just don’t know, Gran. But I’m worried because if I don’t take this chance, then will I always wonder?’
‘It’s possible, but what about everything else? You could end up wondering about that too.’
Ellie sighed. She knew her gran was right. She’d thought about nothing else for the past week. She hadn’t heard from Jasper and had taken that as a sign that perhaps it wouldn’t work between them after all. Or, she had seized on the fact that he hadn’t contacted her as a sign because she’d wanted to be free from guilt as she made this huge decision. Ellie could easily have contacted Jasper, but pride and fear of what he might say had prevented her from doing so and now she was left wondering if she’d done the right thing. They hadn’t spoken about things since she’d left his home after they’d spent the night together. The thought that he could be hurting was awful, and yet she’d done nothing to assuage that feeling. Taken no positive action to put things right. Like a petulant child, she was trying to ignore the right course of action because it was hard to face, and she knew she was in the wrong.
The gate of the gardens slammed shut, and she saw a flash of blue as someone disappeared behind the hedge. She looked back at her gran and asked, ‘Who was that?’
Her gran raised her brows. ‘Who do you think?’
‘Oh god! What am I going to do?’
‘Only you can decide that, sweetheart. This is your choice to make.’
‘I don’t have to choose one thing though, do I? I could still go for the audition and be with Jasper.’
‘You should discuss that with him. As long as acting is still what you want to do. I remember what you said about it when you came home to the village and how you were feeling about it then. Search your heart, Ellie, and make sure that it is what you want because it’s a hard career. You know that. You also know it could be a wonderful career for you. And if that’s what you want, then go for it. But as for Jasper, you’ll only know how he feels if you speak to him.’
Ellie wavered as she recalled all the times she’d felt less than . Less pretty. Less talented. Less relevant. Less than a human being should ever feel. She hoped it wasn’t that way for every actor, but for her, the dream job she’d aspired to have had not been what she’d dreamt of. Her gran was right. Coming back to Cornwall had helped to heal something inside her she’d thought she’d lost. Her sense of who Ellie Cordwell was, who she aspired to be, and how she mattered to those who loved her. In London, she hadn’t mattered to anyone, but now, for Ramona, there was a chance to make some money. She hadn’t cared for Ellie before and had humiliated her when she was at her lowest ebb. The same applied to Barnaby and his parents. There had been no one who cared about Ellie there, no one who loved her the way she was loved here.
Ellie belonged in Cornwall. It was where she felt happy. Where she felt safe. Where she belonged.
‘Oh, Gran!’ She dropped her bag next to the case. ‘Can you cancel the taxi?’
Her gran smiled. ‘Are you sure?’
‘More certain than I’ve ever been about anything. This is where I want to be. It’s my home.’
She hugged her gran, then ran to the gate.
‘Go tell him, Ellie!’ Her gran blew her a kiss.
‘I will!’ Ellie opened the gate and dashed through.