18. Bailey
Bailey
A fter loading the truck with our bags, I headed back inside the hotel to check out.
Lettie was in the shower when I’d started bringing our things down.
She already looked better today, even having just woken up.
I’d brought Rouge out to pee after feeding him, then picked up two coffees and breakfast burritos from the buffet downstairs, and when I came back with them, she was still in the bathroom.
Not wanting to impose on her privacy, I went downstairs to let the desk attendant know we’d be leaving soon, then took my time heading back to our room.
Swiping the key to let myself in, I found Lettie’s back facing me from where she sat at the small desk, eating her burrito and sipping on her coffee.
“Good shower?” I asked .
She jumped, swiveling in the chair with her cheeks full of food. She nodded as she managed to swallow.
“Truck’s all loaded whenever you’re ready. We just have to pick up the horses and then we can get on the road.”
“Hopefully, there’s no storm to slow us down this time,” she said before taking another bite.
“Mm, I don’t know. It was looking a little cloudy out there.”
She stopped midchew, her eyes big saucers.
I chuckled. “I’m kidding, Huckleberry. How’d you grow up in the West being this damn scared of a little rain?”
She resumed her chewing, swallowing before she spoke. “Have you seen the storms out here?”
I nodded, leaning my shoulder against the wall beside the bathroom door. “Well, I did grow up here, so...”
She set what was left of her burrito on the desk before taking a sip of her coffee, rolling her eyes. “Men,” she said, making it sound almost like an insult.
“What about men?” I asked, putting up air quotes around the word.
“You guys act like you’re not scared of anything,” she griped.
“That’s not true.”
Her brows inched up her forehead. “Oh, yeah? Then what are you scared of?”
There was only one thing I knew for sure that I was scared of, and that fear didn’t creep in until the day Lettie fell off that ladder. “Losing you again. ”
Her eyes scanned my face before she stood up, throwing the remnants of her breakfast in the trash and grabbing Rouge’s leash from the end of the bed.
“Don’t shut me out,” I pleaded.
She faced me from where she stood feet away, leash gripped in her fist. “I didn’t mean to hurt you by leaving. I just...” She trailed off.
“Just what?”
“I just needed space.”
“From me?” I would have given her space if she had just asked. Moving hundreds of miles away was not the only way to get space from someone.
She let out a frustrated sigh, her hands slapping against the sides of her thighs. “No.” She shook her head. “Yes. From everyone.”
Something like pain filled her eyes, like she regretted saying it.
“I’m not leaving. Not again,” she added after I didn’t respond.
“How do I know that, Lettie? How do I know you’re not going to run off again the second things become too real for you?”
“ Too real ? Bailey, my entire life, I’ve been bombarded by the people who care about me. I love them for it as much as I hate myself for it.”
I shook my head, closing the distance between us.
With my height, she had to crane her neck back to look up at me.
“The last thing I want to hear is that you blame yourself for this. I know every damn bad thing about you, Lettie, and I still think you’re the purest fucking woman I’ve ever met.
Do not for one second blame yourself for your condition. ”
She broke our eye contact, looking down at the floor as she whispered, “You can’t say that.”
Refusing to let her hide from my words, I grabbed her chin, tilting her head up to look at me again. “Why?”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Because that’s too real.”
I pursed my lips, searching her eyes for any indication that she didn’t mean that, but all I found was an ocean of agony. Frustrated, I dropped her chin, taking a step back from her.
I lowered my voice. “If I get close to you and lose you again, I don’t know if I can handle it.”
“Then stop trying to get close to me!”
As if it was that easy. What made this woman so damn adamant that pushing everyone close to her away was going to solve her problems?
“Is this your way of trying to show your family you can take care of yourself?”
She blinked, confusion clear on her face. “What?”
“This.” I waved my hands in between us. “Pushing me away. Everyone away.”
“I didn’t push everyone away.”
“Oh, so what? It’s just me? I’m the problem?”
She shook her head, taking a step toward me, the toes of our boots touching. “No, Bailey, you were never the problem. ”
“Then what was it?”
She set her palms on my stomach, looking down at where she connected with me. “Can we talk about this later?”
Tell me about beating around the damn bush, and I’ll tell you Lettie was the reason behind the invention of that idiom.
“Sure,” I clipped. I grabbed the leash from where it was looped around her hand and moved around her to hook it on Rouge’s collar where he sat by the AC.
Lettie was jamming a pin in this conversation, and I didn’t have to be an idiot to know it wouldn’t be brought up again. She might as well have put a lock on it and thrown away the damn key. She didn’t owe me an explanation, but for my sanity, I selfishly wanted one.
If she really left because of me, I’d have no choice but to become a stranger to her again.
I wasn’t sure how that would affect my work on their ranch, but I’d figure it out when we got back to Bell Buckle.
As much as I hated the idea of losing her so soon after just getting her back, I’d force myself to do it if that’s what would make her happy.