CHAPTER FOUR #2
He took a chair opposite me. Which felt ominous for some reason. Like he needed the coffee table between us. His black eye was a combination of dark purple and gray. Gruesome. “Jimmy got me in with a therapist. That’s what I’ve been doing the last couple of days. Mostly.”
“Okay.”
“We talked about a lot of things.”
I nodded, trying to ignore the doubts and feelings of dread curling inside my stomach. Everything would be fine. I wouldn’t let it be anything else.
“Like how I’m not really used to sharing your attention. Or dealing with you just not having the time and energy for me or our relationship right now,” he said. “And of course that’s perfectly understandable. You’re exhausted. Hell. We both are.”
“Do you resent the baby, David?”
“A little.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. No wonder our baby still didn’t have a name.
“I’m also kind of freaking out about how we’re going to deal with all this. How we’re going to balance things. Our life’s been upended.” He swallowed. “I love him, Ev. But he’s a handful.”
“Yeah.”
His hands hung loose, his forearms braced on his spread legs. And those tattoos on his fingers spelling out LIVE FREE had never seemed more pertinent. Because he couldn’t live free anymore, and neither could I. Now we were parents.
“It’s a big sacrifice,” I said. “And I know they keep saying it’ll get easier. But we have to be here living it day in and out.”
He nodded. “How’s Jude doing?”
“She’s great. Having her here has really helped.”
“Good. That’s good, Ev.” His gave me a small smile. “I’ve also been looking at houses.”
“You want to move?” I asked, surprised. “Whoa. That’s not what I expected you to say. I mean, I thought you loved this place. We’ve been so happy here.”
“I know,” he said, keeping his voice calm and certain.
If he hadn’t practiced saying these words, then he’d thought about them a whole lot.
“It’s a big ask. But I feel like there’s not enough room here for all of us anymore.
Not with all of the baby stuff and people sleeping at different times and me worrying about playing music and disturbing someone.
I want us all to have enough space. All three of us. ”
“Okay. If that’s what you want.”
“I know this is close to your work, but—”
“No. I agree.” I smiled. It was mostly natural.
“It might take me a little while to get used to the idea, but we all need to be comfortable in our own home. Being here has been great, but…we’re moving into a new phase of our life now.
We can afford it, and hopefully it will help with things, so why not? ”
“Yeah. That’s what I think too.”
“What else did the therapist say?”
“She said that for new parents self-doubt and even anger at how you feel you’ve lost control over your life are normal. Ten to fifteen percent of new dads have issues with that sort of thing. Anxiety and mood disorders and so on.”
“That’s a lot.”
“And she said the worst thing I can do is stop communicating.”
“We need to make more of an effort to talk,” I agreed.
“Yeah. Otherwise the bitterness and resentment can get out of control. She also said it’s okay to mourn the fact that, for a while at least, we can’t just do what we want.
Life has kind of moved on. We can’t just drop everything and go to Maui.
Decide on the spur of moment to go hear a band play at some club together.
” He looked away for a moment. “You know I’m in this with you to the end, right? ”
And hearing those words unlocked something inside of me. Some hurt or worry. “I know.”
“Good.”
“Did she say anything else?”
“That you should think about doing therapy too. Both with me and on your own.” He swallowed.
“The thing is, I walked out on you and our son, Ev. And I’m never going to be able to apologize enough for that.
No matter that I needed to get my shit together, that I was going through some stuff.
It’s pretty damn unforgivable. Me getting drunk and fighting and shutting you out.
It was bullshit behavior, and I’m so damn sorry. Please know that.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “That was…even if I understand why you did it, it’s a lot.”
“You’ve just had a baby, and you’re dealing with even more than me, I know. Me adding this stress on top of everything was fucked.”
I nodded dully.
“I’m just asking for a chance to get us back on track.
To make it up to you and him.” He stared into my eyes intently.
“And if you don’t want the nanny or the new house or any of it, then okay.
We’ll find another way to deal with things together.
I just want to be here with you and our son. Please.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. My emotions were running riot. My head spinning in circles. This was a lot. “I need a little time to think everything over, but…mostly I think I’m all right with your ideas.”
“Of course. Take whatever time you need. I’m not going anywhere again, I promise.”
“What else did the therapist say?”
His eyes opened wide. “She said a lot. We talked for hours. I had a lot of shit in my head I just needed to get out, you know? Then I could start trying to fix things. Get with the program and have your back the way I should.”
I smiled.
“I’m sorry this happened, baby.”
“Sounds like it’s outside of your control. We can’t dictate our feelings. They just happen. But you’re dealing with it. That takes courage.”
He nodded. “I didn’t want to disappear on you. But I didn’t want to make things worse either. And then I felt guilty for all of it, and it was just a fucking mess.”
“I know.”
“We’ll handle things together from now on,” he said. “I’m going to keep seeing the therapist and keep on top of any of this shit.”
“Good.”
“And I know moving is a pain in the ass. But I figure, if you want, we can keep this place. Buy another lot of whatever we need and have it all ready to go at the new place. Wherever that winds up being.” His fingers tapped a beat against his leg.
“All of the money’s got to be useful for something, right? ”
I nodded and relaxed back against the couch. Deep, even breaths. We were going to be okay. “And it’s not like anyone else would want to live next to Mal.”
“That’s very true.” His smile came more quickly this time. Seemed more normal. The stiffness in his body seemed to also be slowly easing. “She talked about support groups for new parents. But given how well known we are and everything, it didn’t seem like a good idea.”
“That would be a big risk.”
“Enough of our life gets splashed across the Internet.”
“Agreed.”
He slumped back in the seat.
“Are things okay with Jimmy?”
“I apologized for being an ass. He said he regretted having to punch me, but it was for the greater good.”
I snorted. “That sounds like your brother.”
“Yeah.” He gave a slight smile and then sobered.
His focus entirely aimed at me. “I was an ass, Ev. To Jimmy, yeah, but most of all, to you. And our son. I missed time with you both. I made you worry. And I was so up in my head, I hurt you. The last thing I’d ever want to do.
I’m sorry, baby. I need you, now and always. I need you both. Will you forgive me?”
And if I could have nuked the beautiful heavy wooden coffee table out of existence, I would have. But instead, I got up and walked around it and climbed into David’s lap. A place I’d needed to be for quite some time now. “I need some serious cuddling.”
“That would be great.” He wrapped his arms tight around me.
I rested my head against his shoulder and breathed in the warmth and familiar scent of his skin. Because it was totally okay to hide from the world with my husband for a minute. We were together. We were good.
“Are you crying?” he asked, tone bewildered.
“Hush.” I slapped a hand over his mouth. “Like I said, these last few days have been a lot. And then there’s the hormones. Crying is like my hobby now.”
With care, he removed my hand and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Love you, baby. We’re going to get through this.”
“We will,” I agreed, sniffling. “We definitely will.”