Chapter Twenty-Nine #2
My hands flew to my face, covering it as I shook my head and gave in to the current pulling me under. My shoulders shook, and I clutched that key necklace to me even in my despair, wishing every word he just said would hold true when I knew it never could.
Panic crashed over his features as Carter bolted around the table. “Shit—Liv, hey, I’m sorry. Too much, right? I—fuck, I shouldn’t have—”
I shook my head furiously, unable to find words, choking on the tears as he crouched in front of me. I never fucking cried, and here I had twice with him in the last two weeks. Was it hormones? Or was it just the power this man had over me?
His hands were on my knees, his eyes frantic and searching while Zamboni barked and danced around us, pawing at me like he couldn’t stand to see me cry, either.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” Carter begged, voice breaking. “Liv, talk to me.”
My lips trembled as I sniffed and looked up at the sky, my vision blurred, hands falling into my lap but still holding fast to the necklace.
I took a deep breath.
And then I let the truth fly like the grenade it was.
“Carter…” My voice cracked as I dragged in another ragged breath. “I’m pregnant.”
There it was.
My next breath seared like I was breathing in straight smoke and fire, and the waitresses came out with smiles and dessert in their hands only to take one look at me and immediately round right back into the kitchen.
I couldn’t look at Carter for a full minute, my eyes losing focus on the lights strung in the distance. I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in his eyes, to have to witness his world crashing down by my hand.
The silence between us stretched, endless and suffocating, and when I finally felt like I had no other choice, I faced him.
The look on his face gutted me.
His eyes were wide and devoid of life, his lips parted, like the earth had just tilted off its axis and he was waiting for space to swallow him whole.
Panic clawed up my throat, stomach twisting so violently I curled in on myself.
“I know,” I blurted, the words tumbling out fast, frantic. “I know we didn’t expect this — trust me, I know.”
He opened his mouth, but I steamrolled right over whatever he meant to say.
“You have to understand, I never told you… but this was always my plan. This was always it for me. I was going to freeze my eggs, to have a child one day, on my own. That’s why I said yes to your offer so easily — it was going to set me up to pay for all the procedures, the freezing and storage, and then one day…
I was going to take care of a baby on my own.
I knew with that two-million dollars, we’d never want for anything.
I could hire a nanny to help. I could afford a nice daycare when the time came.
That was always the plan. On my own, Carter.
No husband, no boyfriend, no one else. Just me and her — yes, her, because in my mind it was always going to be a girl — and a chance to give someone the mother I never had. ”
His brows furrowed, shoulders deflating. “Liv…”
“I went to the appointment this week.” My voice cracked again, the memory slicing me open. “I knew you and I had… I knew you said you loved me and goddamnit, Carter,” I choked, eyes colliding with his. “I love you, too.”
His eyes watered, which only made my own emotions harder to contain.
“But I still had to do this for me,” I whispered. “Just in case. I wanted to know that I still had this option, especially because I know you…”
I shook my head, not ready to go there yet.
“And then my doctor told me we couldn’t move forward.” My lips trembled. “Because I’m already pregnant.”
Tears blurred my vision once more, spilling hot and fast down my cheeks. My heart hammered so loud I was sure all of Tampa Bay could hear it. I hadn’t felt so raw and exposed since the night my innocence was stolen, but this cut deeper somehow.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, words tripping over each other, tumbling into a mess. “I know this isn’t what you want, Carter. I know it’s not fair to you. And I need you to understand that you don’t have to do anything. You don’t owe me a damn thing. I can do this. I will do this.”
I swallowed hard, choking on the lie that tasted like blood.
“But I don’t need you.”
Please stay.
Please, please don’t leave me.
“I can handle it on my own.”
I can’t handle it on my own.
I don’t want to do this on my own.
“And you don’t—you don’t have to—you don’t—”
I was in his arms before I could croak out anything else, and the moment he pulled me into him, I succumbed to another round of sobs.
I clung to him, literally and metaphorically, and willed every lie I’d just said to be true.
I tried to reassure my breaking heart that we would be okay, that we’d survive this no matter what Carter decided, but it was a weak and futile argument.
“Shhh,” he said against my hair, kissing my forehead and letting his lips linger there as he held me tight. “Oh, baby, please, please. You’re breaking my fucking heart right now.”
“I’ve ruined it all.”
I sobbed the words, and then was promptly startled when Carter laughed at them. He shook his head, pulling back to frame my face with his hands, his brows folded together. “What do you mean you’ve ruined everything? Livia, this isn’t your fault.”
“I… I made you do all that testing and made you feel safe, but I’ve been so stressed, and I haven’t been consistent taking my pill, and I knew I should have just had a freaking IUD put in!”
Carter laughed again, kissing my lips before I could register what was happening.
“Oh, you silly, maddening woman. It is not your fault. These things happen. And, uh, in case you have forgotten, I was more than a willing participant in our unprotected sex.”
“I’m so sorry, Carter.”
“For what?!” He grabbed my face again. “Livvy, I feel like I just won the fucking Cup.”
“You…” I balked. “You what?”
“I’m thrilled. I’m over the moon. I’m so far over the moon I’ve hit another galaxy completely.”
“But you told me you didn’t want kids.”
“Yeah, because at that moment in time, you were asking Carter, the no-game having bachelor hockey player. But that guy died. I buried him the night I told you I loved you and heard you say you feel the same.”
“Carter, don’t fuck with me right now.”
“I’m as serious as a positive pregnancy test, Mistress.”
I laughed, despite feeling like it was impossible, swatting at his chest. “Stop.”
“No. I won’t. I refuse to stop. I’m going to make you laugh when you feel like crying for the rest of your fucking life.
And I call bullshit on everything you just said.
You don’t get to do this on your own. You don’t get to tell me it’s okay if I just pass on being a fucking father?
” He shook his head and hearing it from his mouth made me realize how ridiculous it was.
“No. Fuck that. I am going to be right here,” he said, pointing to the earth between us.
“Right by your side through every symptom, every doctor’s appointment, and every fucking push.
I’m going to be the best father I can be, and the best partner, and I will annoy the hell out of you with how much I make this whole thing my personality. ”
I choked on another cross between a sob and a laugh.
“And I will love you, Livia Young, until the blood in my veins runs cold. You’re not doing this on your own. We’re doing this together. And the only thing I want to hear you say right now is yes, sir.”
He kissed me as soon as the words left his lips, hard and passionate and with every promise he’d just made reverberating through him and right into me.
I melted into that kiss, clinging to him with everything I had. My fingers curled in his shirt, my lips moving desperately against his as tears kept slipping free, this time from sheer relief.
When we finally broke apart, my chest was heaving, and I pressed my forehead to his, laughing through the tears. “I can’t believe this.”
“You better believe it,” Carter said, brushing his thumbs over my cheeks. He pressed a softer kiss to my lips, then pulled back and reached for my water glass, sliding it into my hands. “Here. Drink.”
I obeyed, though my hands were trembling so badly half the glass nearly sloshed onto my sweatpants. He steadied it for me, watching me like I might break in half if he let go.
“How are you feeling?” he asked gently.
I exhaled, holding my head in one hand as I set the water back down. “Honestly? I don’t feel any different yet, other than, as you can tell, I don’t feel like getting dressed.” I waved a hand over my ensemble. “But I imagine that’ll change soon enough.”
“You’re beautiful.”
“A sweatpants goddess, for sure.”
His grin spread wide and sure. “You do realize I’m going to spoil the shit out of you through this whole thing, don’t you?”
A startled laugh burst from my chest. “Of course you are.”
But then my eyes caught on the collar still sitting on the table, gleaming dark in the candlelight. I picked it up slowly, turning it over in my hands.
“You know,” I said carefully, “in the BDSM community, giving someone this is… a lot more serious than I think you realize.”
His brow arched, eyes narrowing with curiosity. “Oh?”
“Yeah,” I said, amusement curling in my tone. “To some, it’s essentially equivalent to a wedding ring. A collar means belonging. Commitment. It means… ownership, in the most sacred, consensual way.” My fingers ran over the leather, the metal ring cool against my skin. “It isn’t a casual gift.”
For a second, I thought maybe he’d backpedal, that he’d laugh and say he didn’t know, that he didn’t mean it that way. But instead, Carter tapped his chin like he was lost in thought, then pulled me up long enough to sit in my chair and yank me right back down into his lap.
“You know what? Fuck it. No regrets.” He kissed all over my neck as I laughed and squealed, his arms wrapping around me. Then, he smoothed my hair back, his eyes on mine. “Collar, ring, no jewelry at all — it doesn’t matter. I meant every word I said. I’m yours, Liv.”
The breath rushed out of me, and I sank against him, curling into his chest as he wrapped me up in his arms. For the first time since the news from Doctor Stroud had flipped my world upside down, I felt safe.
I felt steady.
I was home.
My lips brushed against his neck, my voice just a whisper against his skin. “And I’m yours.”