Chapter Nineteen
Kevin sits across from me with an annoyed frown on his face. He’s been here for an hour now, helping prevent me from freaking out. As he talks, I wonder why I can’t just be attracted to him. We would make sense. Much more sense than me and Ben.
Fucking Ben. I still can’t believe him. I’ve forced myself not to recall how vehemently he denied it and how he ran after me. I’d had so many shocks last Monday I didn’t have the space in my head to consider his words or how much he meant them. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have run away. But the shock of hearing Craig say Ben used me, hung around with me, slept with me, just to get me to sign that document, made me sick.
Of course, it didn’t help Dawn called to tell me it wasn’t true. She said Jared Daniels was an idiot asshole who made a flippant comment. Then perpetuated that by joking around with his brothers and friends about Ben charming his way into my pants, so I’ll agree to the proposal. But she swore Ben would never have followed through on it.
I also felt extremely guilty. I ran out on her after she had a baby. One thing I promised both of us was, I wouldn’t disappear from her life. We’d spoken every other day since I got back to New York after she called to tell me not to believe what I heard.
Days have passed, and Ben hasn’t tried to call me again. After the message, he left as I was driving away. He must hate me. And maybe I deserve it. I do feel stupid.
“If you’re thinking about Bennett Daniels, I’m going to let your fans know one of your favourite songs is Mmmbop by Hanson.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” I snap my head to him, a look of horror on my face.
“Wouldn’t I?” he raises a brow. “Today isn’t about him. One Mystic drama at a time, please.”
“Fine.” I get up and go to the window, looking down at Manhattan spread out below me.
I love my apartment in Chelsea. If it weren’t for Adrian, I wouldn’t have been able to afford this place at the time we moved in. Our combined incomes had bought it, but he’d let me stay when we divorced. I paid him for his half, but it was nowhere near market value. He was more than happy to let me stay and I loved it too much to be concerned about it being our marital home.
Over the years, I’d collected abstract art pieces. The ash blonde parquet flooring and modern glass fireplaces are accentuated with coffee and aubergine colored couches and decorative accents. It’s my little slice of heaven and I love it.
All I can think as I stare out at the view is for six months of the year, I’ll be away from this place.
Because I trusted Bennett Daniels.
The buzzer startles me and I turn to look at Kevin, my heart racing.
“Relax, Elle,” he tells me, getting up and heading across the hallway to the intercom. I hear mumbling voices, and Kevin comes back in. “I’ll go make some coffee. You’ll be okay letting them in?”
“I think I can manage.”
“Can you though, cos you look like you’re about to vomit?”
“Go make coffee.” I point to the kitchen.
I wring my hands as I wait for them to arrive. After leaving Ben on Sunday, I’d gone back to the hotel to think things through. I still had a niggling feeling about Claudia, that she knew more than she was letting on when it came to Darren. I needed to speak to her alone. So I went back to the diner and waited for her. I felt like a stalker, but she was so skittish I didn’t want to scare her off.
It had shocked her to see me waiting for her, but there was also resignation on her face, and a bit of relief. And what she said that evening, as we walked the streets of Mystic, ending up at the Mystic Aquarium of all places, was her truth and it had both shattered my heart and brought it back together again.
My first instinct had been to run to Ben, to tell him what I’d discovered, but I needed time to wrap my head around it. One thing was for sure, it convinced me to sign those papers. I’d already decided because Ben had done the unthinkable.
He’d made me see Mystic as more than my bad memories. He’d ignited something in my soul that I’d pushed so far down. It was barely distinguishable. And my feelings for him were growing too.
But speaking with Claudia pushed me to call Larry first thing Monday, to go into the office and agree to everything in my father’s will. And it was there I learnt the other secret my dad was keeping.
He knew. All this time, he’d known. It was only after I’d agreed to follow his wishes that Larry could tell me. But I’d figured it out on my own. Knowing my dad had kept this from me, too, crushed me. Larry told me Ben didn’t know, and I believed him because Ben had shown no signs of recognition when he saw Claudia. It was why I avoided going to see Ben straight away. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. But after a while I knew. I needed him. I wanted him to be the one I told.
I’d gone to find him, spotting his truck outside Craig’s bar, but then I walked into the Twisted Barrel and heard him talking about seducing me to win. I’d been transported back all those years when he told me we would never be anything more than high school sweethearts, that we were never destined to be together and the best thing I could do for both of us was leave Mystic.
I’d felt so betrayed and so destroyed that I’d left without giving him the benefit of the doubt, of hearing his denials as the truth and not lies.
The doorbell chimes, breaking me out of my musings about Ben, and I hurry over to answer the door. Claudia stands there, looking just as anxious as ever, but I smile, to put her at ease, then my eyes move to the boy beside her and my breath catches, my heart clutches, and I can’t help but stare at him. At the familiar eyes, the firm jaw line, and the unruly curly hair. It is like looking into the face of my brother.
“Frankie,” I breathe out.
He looks at his mother, but then he squares his shoulders and reaches out a hand. He is so tall, and he seems so strong, mature and a little intense. I know where he got that from. I take his hand, shaking it as tears fill my eyes. I fought to push them back.
“Please come on in, sorry for the reaction. You just, you look so much like him.”
“Yeah, it’s all good.”
Hearing his voice sends my heart rate into overdrive. Claudia touches my forearm and I look down at her hand. I could have been so angry with her for keeping Frankie from us, for never telling us we had a valuable piece of my brother out there, but I wasn’t mad. I was happy. Knowing Darren lived on through his son actually brought me some peace.
Claudia asked that I give her some time to speak to Frankie about me. He’d been kept in the dark just as much as I had. I wasn’t sure how he took it, hearing he had family in the small town his mom moved him too when he was fourteen. It took a week for Claudia to contact me and let me know they were coming to New York. Ostensibly to get a feel for the college he was due to attend in the fall, but also to meet his family. Me .
Kevin comes back into the room, and I introduce him. Everyone greets each other. I offer drinks, then we all get comfortable.
“That view is awesome,” Frankie says, standing by the floor to ceiling windows, looking out across the city. “It’s a lot different from Mystic and Westbrook.”
“Tell me about it,” I laugh, watching him.
Claudia is looking at the fireplace, a kind of dazed look in her eyes as she holds her mug of coffee with both hands. Thank heaven for Kevin because he keeps the conversation flowing, asking Frankie about his major and where he’s staying when he moves out here. We all skirt around the issue of my brother, though. No one too eager to talk about him. I can’t stop staring at Frankie and I notice he is feeling a little uncomfortable, so try not to be so damn obvious.
When he says he has to head out to meet his friends, I get up to see him out. When he offers me his number, I almost lose it. He hugs me before he leaves and I stand in the front hallway, staring at the closed door for so long, Kevin has to come get me. Claudia is waiting for me, a soft smile on her face. Kevin makes his excuses and heads out too, leaving us alone.
She’s already apologized many times for keeping Frankie a secret, but I let her know the same amount of times she is forgiven. I get it. She was just a kid when it happened. Pregnant, scared, and broken-hearted when my brother killed himself.
“He is always welcome here,” I tell her. “You too. I don’t want you to think that you aren’t a part of my family. I’d only just got my head around the fact I was the only one left, finding out about him… And you, means I don’t have to believe that anymore.”
“You do not know how many times I thought about reaching out to you, but I guess the more famous you got, the harder it seemed to do it.”
I nod, understanding, but still a little hurt. “Can I ask you something and get an honest answer? ”
Claudia looks away from me, and I see her struggling because she knows what I’m about to ask. She speaks before I can, though.
“I always felt like it was my fault,” she says. “That I got pregnant, and he couldn’t deal with it. I had a lot of therapy after he was gone. It took me a while to believe it wasn’t my fault.”
“Of course it wasn’t,” I try to reassure her.
“I loved him, still do. Every time I look at Frankie, all I see is Darren. I struggled for a long time to forgive him. As much as I fell for him, for the caring boy he was, there was a darkness inside him, a place I could never reach. He suffered a lot with depression, I don’t know if you saw that but, he felt this burden to be the best he could be.
"Everyone was pressing him about going pro, joining the NFL, being the next big sports star to come out of Mystic. It might sound insane to some people. How could he be depressed when he led such a charmed life? But I saw that in him, when he was away from Mystic. That was why he spent so much time out in Westbrook. Once we met, it took him away from the pressure. I tried to hold on to him, to keep him from sinking into it.”
This is incredibly difficult to hear. I hadn’t seen it at all. Darren was always the life and soul of every party. The popular kid. I’d never noticed how heavily it weighed on him. That he struggled with mental health issues. He kept it so well hidden from all of us.
“He adored you,” she says, finally looking at me. “He talked about you all the time.”
“He did?” my voice is a mere whisper.
“Yes, he always said you were destined to achieve your dreams. He was really proud of you.”
Tears spill over and track down my cheeks. Claudia reaches out and takes my hand.
“When I got pregnant, it was another thing weighing him down. I wish I knew what was going on in his head, Elle. I really do. And it hurts me. I’m unable to give you the closure you want. I had no idea he had sunk that low. I wish he’d asked me for help.
"As I got older, and once Frankie was old enough that he didn’t take up every waking hour of my time, I researched everything about mental health. A lot of the signs were there, but he hid it so well. There is no way any of us could ever explain why he did it. Even though I loved him from the bottom of my heart, I could never forgive him for not even leaving an explanation.
"It didn’t even need to be a long letter, just something . A goodbye… He left being the only one who knew why. And I’m so sorry that your mom left… the same way.”
“Is it hereditary, the illness? Did you see anything like that in your research?”
“It can be, but I never met your mom, so I couldn’t say for sure.”
“I know she suffered from bouts of depression. She hid it well, especially from me, but thinking back on it, there was definitely something there. It’s crazy that all of this was going on right under my nose, but I never saw it.”
“You were a child, Elle. Being a mom now, I know it’s a parent’s responsibility to never weigh your children down with things like that. I’m so sorry I don’t have all the answers for you.”
I just nod and wipe at my eyes. “Something good has come from it. Frankie is an amazing young man. You’ve done such a good job with him.”
Claudia nods, but I see concern in her eyes.
“Are you worried about him having the same issues?”
“It seems logical he could, but he’s shown no signs and believe me, I’ve been watching out for them. I wanted to ask… I hope you don’t mind. I wish I could move out here to be close to him, but he’d lose his mind if he thought I was following him out here, plus I have Caleb, he’s in school in Mystic, it’s the only home he’s known. Frankie needs his space to grow into his own man. ”
“You want me to keep an eye on him?” I ask. She nods. “I’d be honored, Claudia. Really. I hope he knows that I’m here if he needs anything. Anything at all.”
“I appreciate that. And thank you for not being mad at me, or blaming me.”
“Like I keep telling you,” I give her a smile. “You’ve given me something precious, Claudia. How can I be mad at you for that?”
We chat some more until it’s time for her to go. I give her a tight hug, telling her to call me any time and reminding her I’ll be spending time in Mystic now. Even though Frankie will be in New York.
For a long time after she’s gone, I sit and stare through the window, watching as the sun sets and the sky darkens, filling with stars. Sometimes I cry, other times I feel optimistic. Then something comes over me and I head into my office and write. The words pour out of me and before I know it, it’s three AM and I’m exhausted. I drag myself to bed.
As I lay in the dark, I think about Ben. It’s crazy to even think that I’ve fallen for him again. After barely being around him for a week, and the anger he’d held towards me at first. But maybe one reason my marriage didn’t work was because a piece of me was always with Ben.
I’d repressed those feelings for years. I don’t know how to get around it now. Whether anything we could have had is ruined by what my father perceived to be good intentions, a way to get us back in the same town together.
I’m really confused. He hasn’t even tried to get in touch since I left. That leaves me feeling as if it’s all one sided. No matter what everyone keeps trying to tell me. It isn’t the same as Ben telling me. And putting myself out there terrifies me.
I finally drift off as the sun starts to rise. My heart is both full and heavy at the same time.