Chapter 16 #2
“Tash, don’t overthink this, it’s just dinner.”
I nod and put my head down as my cheeks heat. “Joshua, we need to talk.”
“No, we don’t, leave it,” he sighs.
“I need you to know what was in my head last time you saw me,” I whisper.
“I know what was in your head, Natasha.”
“Have you been with Amelie since you went back to Ameri- ca?” I ask nervously.
He shakes his head. “No, I haven’t.” “Why not?” I ask.
“Because I don’t have feelings that way for Amelie. I told you that.” He shakes his head in frustration.
“You see, Josh, I wanted to give you the chance to explore if you did. I thought that you were with me out of guilt and deep down you really loved Amelie. I was setting you free so that you could choose who you wanted, unencumbered from past emotions.”
He sits back angrily. “What a load of shit,” he snaps.
“It’s true. baby. Think about this from my angle.
I pursued you last time, it was me who chased you, me who called you.
I had to bribe you with sex to be monogamous with me, I kept telling you to stop thinking and just feel.
And then I told you I loved you and you didn’t say it back, not until you found out that I hadn’t slept with anyone else.
I know that you felt guilty that I had saved myself for you and you felt that you owed me.
I had loved you unconditionally, Josh, from a distance for so long and I knew you had a connection with Amelie.
” I drop my head as tears threaten. “I felt it in the barn that day,” I whisper.
“Natasha…I loved you,” he whispers as he leans forward in his seat.
I smile at him through my tears. “Loved, as in past tense?” He shrugs sadly.
“And then you were with that girl and I still didn’t get the hint and I fought harder to hold us together.”
He frowns. “That stripper was to save you from making a mistake and having my children.”
I smile through my tears again. “Joshua, having your children could never be a mistake for me. For anyone.”
He sits back and runs his finger back and forth over his lip as he listens.
“Joshua, I was so in love with you that I couldn’t see straight and then Dad died and I blamed myself.
In some fucked-up way I thought that cutting you out of my life was my punishment for killing my father.
But the reality is that it nearly killed me being away from you.
I was sick, Josh. I died a little inside every day I was away from you. ”
He sits deathly still as he listens. “Me too,” he whispers as he rearranges his knife and fork. I see his eyes flick around at the security scattered around the room. I had forgotten they were even here.
“Josh, remember at Willowvale that day I asked you why you weren’t with Amelie?”
He nods. “Yes.”
“Do you remember what you said to me?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
“You told me that you were not with Amelie because you had never let it go there because you were in love with me.”
He sits back in his seat as he thinks. “I needed to know that you were not with Amelie because you didn’t want her, not because of me. It planted an ugly seed in my head, Josh, and I couldn’t get it out. It festered until it became an infection and it poisoned me from the inside out.”
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t like that, Tash.” He picks up my hand again across the table.
“Then when I was on death’s frigging door your mother came to me and told me you were not handling things well either and I decided to come to you, and we had that lovely time in the hospital…remember?” My eyes search his.
He smiles sadly.
“Josh, we made love, I had missed you so desperately, I thought you were pleased to see me as well.”
“I was,” he whispers.
“I sat in the same room as Amelie and she knew that she had slept with you just three days before and you didn’t tell me.” I put my hands into my face as the raw emotion lingers in my psyche.
He sits forward in his seat. “Tash, I wanted to tell you. How do you tell someone you love that you had sex with someone else? The words wouldn’t leave my mouth,” he whispers.
I wipe a tear angrily from my face, why am I such a crybaby?
“Josh, I would have understood if you went to a sex club or saw one of your stupid sluts. It wasn’t the fact that you had sex with someone else.
But you had feelings for Amelie, we both know that you did.
You made love to me knowing that another woman was sitting in the waiting room meters away who was in love with you too. Her heart was breaking also, Joshua.”
He drops his head in shame. “Tash, it didn’t go down how you think it did.
I was mortified. I stopped it halfway through.
I will never forgive myself for doing that to us.
But I needed you to forgive me, and at a time when I needed you to prove your words and love me unconditionally, you turned your back on me. ”
I shake my head. “No, baby, I was right there with you with a broken heart but I had to give you that choice and I knew that if you knew I was still in love with you, you would not have left. I never turned my back on you. I would never do that. I couldn’t speak to you because I knew if I did, I would tell you that I loved you and that everything was going to be alright. ”
He sits back again and frowns as he thinks.
I grab his hand in desperation. “I am still in love with you, Joshua…more than anything I want us to work at getting back together.” My eyes search his and he drops his head.
“Tash, I can’t.”
“Here we are.” The entrees arrive, and we both sit back in a rush.
The waitress puts them on the table and leaves us alone. “Baby, no pressure. I just want us to spend some time
together, and see what happens.” I smile as I put my hand on his forearm.
He puts a spoonful of his crab into his mouth.
“The only relationship I am interested in is a sexual one.”
I pick up a lemon from the table. My eyes widen.
“What?” I whisper.
“I don’t want a relationship with you, but I am happy to have some fun,” he says, void of emotion.
Horror dawns. “You’re happy to have some fun.” I repeat with my lemon in midair. “Joshua, I’m not interested in that kind of relationship. I can get sex from anybody. I want love from you, not to be your fuck buddy,” I whisper angrily.
He sits back and shrugs as he shovels in another mouthful of food.
Of all the nerve, I’m here laying my heart out on a platter and he’s thinking about his frigging dick. What an asshole! He might just be wearing that soft shell crab in a minute.
“Take it or leave it,” he snaps.
“Leave it,” I reply angrily as I start to eat at double time. “And while you’re pissing me off,” I snap, “why didn’t you
tell me about the idiot that is trying to kill you?” He narrows his eyes at me.
“Ok, while you’re pissing me off what has happened to make you have three security guards now?” he snaps.
I glare at him. “Well, if you must know, it could be a simple robbery or it could be some lunatic murderer Coby Allender from jail whose accomplice maybe broke into my house and stole my vibrator and underwear.” I stick my fork into my lemon so far that it squirts me in the eye.
Fuck, I rub my eye as it starts to burn.
He chuckles at my misfortune. “Not funny,” I snap as I rub my eye.
“So how do you know this lunatic has your vibrator?” He takes a bite off his fork.
I fake a smile. “Because he told everybody in jail and described it to me.”
He sits back in a rush and rubs his face. “Does Max know about this?” he frowns.
“Yes,” I answer as I start to eat again. I could be blinded tomorrow from that bloody lemon, my eye is burning like a flaming volcano.
I point my fork at him. “And while we are at it, you will be apologizing to Max tomorrow for being such a wanker the other night.”
He throws his napkin onto the table. “I will be doing nothing of the sort. He should have brought you to me in America. He works for me.”
I roll my eyes. “Excuse me, Captain America, newsflash. He was helping me seeing he is my bodyguard. So do not start your shit with me. Apologize tomorrow.”
“I see you’re still on your medication,” he says dryly.
I hold my head to the side. “What medication?” I snap. “Bitch pills.” He smiles.
For some stupid reason I giggle. “Shut up. I can’t believe you think I will be your booty call.”
He smiles darkly at me. “I more than believe it. I will place money on it.”
“You’re hopeless on the punt,” I snap as I shovel a forkful of food in my mouth.
He smiles broadly. “Actually, I am pretty good on the punt, if you must know.” He wipes his mouth with a napkin.
I wave my fork in the air as I speak. “I am not being your booty call. If you want to leave the door open for us to repair our relationship, then that’s great. If you want sex only, go back to the VIP Room,” I sneer. Stick to your guns Tash, stick to your guns.
“Okay. Deal,” he says dryly.
I frown at him. “What do you mean, Okay deal?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “Okay, point taken.”
“Okay, point taken we are going to work on our relation- ship? Or Okay point taken you are going back to the VIP Room?” I frown.
“Point taken, I am going back to the VIP Room.” His eyes penetrate mine.
My fury ignites and right between his eyes is looking like a good bull’s eye target for my fork to be hurled at him.
I pick up my Diet Coke and start to scull it. I drink the whole thing and slam it back on the table.
He raises his eyebrows as he chews his food. “Thirsty?” “Yes,” I snap. “Like a camel.”
He smirks and keeps chewing. I need a comeback. Quick, think of a comeback.
“Okay fine then, if we are not going to try and work on our relationship I may as well go back to the massage parlor and take up some of the optional extras.” I put some food in my mouth and smirk. Take that, asshole.
His knife and fork hit the plate with a clang.
“Is that a threat?” he sneers as he leans into the table.
I sit forward and fake a smile. “No, that’s a promise.”