Chapter 16 #3
“Listen here, you,” he growls. “I will not be held at ransom over our fucked-up relationship. You left me, not the other way around, and now you think you can snap your fingers and I will run back to you happily. Snap out of it, this isn’t the fucking ‘Notebook’, Natasha, there will be no happy ever after.
I have been with several women since we broke up, so don’t start your shit with me. ”
I sit back in shock and drop my head as tears fill my eyes. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” he whispers as he senses my hurt. “I didn’t mean to say that.”
I nod as the stupid tears start to fall.
I keep my head down and don’t make eye contact with him.
He’s been with several women since me, of course he has.
I wipe my eyes angrily as hurt rips through me.
He reaches over and picks up my hand. “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to say that.
It fucks with my head thinking of you in that massage parlor, don’t say things like that. ”
I keep my head down, I can’t even look at him. He’s right, this relationship is totally fucked up, who was I kidding?
“It’s ok,” I whisper through my hurt.
“No, it’s not. I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I nod and slowly continue eating my food. What I would really like to do is drop my face in my plate like a pig and slurp everything down in one second flat.
I stay silent through the main while never making eye contact with him. He watches me intently.
He grabs my hand affectionately and rubs his thumb over the back of my fingers. “Tash, don’t be upset, I didn’t mean to say that. They mean nothing to me.”
I nod again while looking down. If I don’t stay strong now, we will never have a future together, I know that for sure.
“Tash, baby, talk to me. I can’t stand it when you’re upset like this.”
I shake my head, I can’t talk because if I do I will probably scream and lie on the floor in a two-year-old tantrum while trying to kick him.
“It’s ok, Josh. I get it,” I whisper as I wipe my mouth and fold my napkin while looking down.
“Get what?” he asks.
My eyes flick around to the bodyguards scattered around the room pretending not to look at us.
“I get why you don’t want to be with me, it’s ok.” “What do you think you get?” he frowns.
I shrug. “Look, let’s not drag this through the mud any further. It’s not the ‘Notebook’, right.” I scratch the back of my neck in frustration. “Let’s go home.” I look around the restaurant to escape his gaze.
“But you haven’t had dessert,” he says quietly.
“I’ve lost my appetite. Can you take me home please?” I lean down and pick up my bag from under the table. I take out my phone and check it.
He sits still, watching me.
“I didn’t mean to say that about the other girls, ok.”
I nod and look down. “But you did, so let’s just leave it there.”
“What do you think you get?”
My eyes meet his. “I’m not a supermodel or gorgeous.
I don’t do coke or gangbangs. I’m smart and geeky and I hold making love as something sacred that happens between two people who are in love.
I’m still in love with you and you are not in love with me.
I have told you that I want to work on us and spend some time together and you are not interested. That’s what I get.”
His eyes hold mine. “But you are gorgeous.”
I look down at my lap. “Obviously not enough, Josh. Let’s go.” I stand in a rush and gesture to my bodyguard toward the door. He nods and starts to exit the restaurant.
I stand quietly as I wait for Joshua to pay. He turns and smiles nervously at me.
“Let’s go,” he smiles as he puts his arm around me and ushers me out the door.
I don’t speak on the car trip home and he is babbling, some- thing about horses and then some project at work. Then he is onto Cameron and Wilson. I just sit still and stare out the window as I listen. He’s unusually talkative and I am unusually quiet.
We get to my house and he parks the car. I turn to him. “Thank you, I will see you later.” I get out of the car in a rush.
He gets out also. “I will walk you up.”
“No, that’s not necessary. I’m fine.” I walk to my apartment in silence with him following me. What is he doing?
We get to my door and I open it and turn. “Thanks.” I give him a small smile. “I will see you at the hospital sometime.” He storms into my apartment. I roll my eyes and follow him in. Great, now he wants to fuck with my head even further. Of course he does, how stupid of me!
I put my keys on the counter and head to my kitchen. I put the kettle on.
“Tea, please,” he calls from the lounge room.
What the hell is he playing at? I really want him to leave. Go back to the VIP Room, asshole.
Five minutes later I enter the lounge room with two cups of tea. “Here you are.” I place the two cups on the coffee table and my eyes flick to him. He has taken his shoes off and is lying on the lounge watching television. Hmm, what now?
I kick my shoes off and sit on the opposite lounge and tuck my feet under my legs. I sip my tea and pretend to watch television.
“For the record, the reasons that you think I don’t want you are the exact reasons I do want you,” he says flatly.
I look down and sip my tea as I nod. Now he wants me, what the hell is going on here? I don’t think he even knows.
“Why are you acting so weird? This isn’t like you. You normally scream at me and fight with me. Why are you being so…controlled?” he asks.
I shrug as my eyes lift to meet his. “Because I’m not doing it again.”
He frowns. “Doing what again?”
“I’m not begging you to be with me, forcing you to be monogamous, screaming like a teenager to get my own way.”
He frowns.
“Josh, one of the reasons I needed time away from you is because I needed time to grow up. I was so crazily in love with you that in our previous relationship I acted like an immature child. I thought I could hold you with tantrums and constant fighting. I was sick with insecurity and jealous all the time, constantly questioning myself about whether you really loved me or not.”
He frowns as he looks at me and listens.
“The reason I can’t be your booty call is because I am desperately in love with you and I know I am not strong enough for you to walk out that door in the morning and not know if I am going to hear from you again or not. I already know I can’t do that.”
He drops his head as he thinks.
“Josh, I know I messed up here and I’m sorry.
I should never have pushed you away both of the times that I did.
The first time I was out of my head with grief and then, second time, I did it so we could have a real crack at a future together.
You would have gotten so sick of the insecure jealous girlfriend constantly fighting with you over every stupid thing that you would have left me anyway in the long run.
Joshua, any woman who comes into your world needs to be strong enough to take it on. I wasn’t back then.”
He drops his head as he thinks.
“Josh, I don’t want you to be here because you think that’s what I demand.
I want to come home every night and know without a doubt that at around eight o’clock or whatever time it is I am going to hear your keys in the door.
And you know why? Because you want to see me, you want me to be the last person you see every day.
The first person you wake up to.” I shrug and gesture to the bathroom.
“You know how I feel now. Take some time to think about it. I have your money, I haven’t spent a cent of it.
Give me your account numbers so I can transfer it back.
It’s not your money I wanted Joshua…I wanted you.
I will see you around. I’m going to take a shower. ”
I stand and rush into the bathroom where I run the water as hot as I can stand it and get in.
I stand under the scalding water and go back over the conversation.
I think that actually came out pretty well.
I have been practicing that speech for months.
It took all of my might not to scream at him in the restaurant and tell him to fuck off, but I know that if we are to have a future together, I need to grow up.
I want an adult relationship not a volatile teenage crush.
After about fifteen minutes the bathroom door opens, and he walks in.
“Can I stay tonight?” he asks as he very carefully looks at my face and not my body.
“No sex,” he whispers as he continues to look at my face.
I smirk and nod and turn my back on him, and he leaves the room.
I smile to myself and wash my legs. I wonder what the night will bring. No sex, this should be interesting.