15. Fifteen
Fifteen
March 2021 - One Year Ago
Phoenix Campbell
Cee: How soon can you meet me? It’s urgent.
Me: I’m at work, I don’t have a class last period though so I can probably get out by 2:30? What’s wrong? xx
Cee: Can’t tell you in a text. I’ll be at the barn from 3
Me: Are you ok tho? You’re freaking me out?
Cee: I’m ok, I promise.
W ell, that’s ominous. It’s almost the end of lunch now, and at least I only have my year elevens to go. I’d been planning to stay late today because I’m drowning in marking, but it’s safe to say I won’t be able to concentrate on anything until I’ve spoken to Cee.
Things have been better between us these last few weeks. We’re still definitely overdue some serious conversations, but with him taking on less weekend work, we’ve finally been able to steal more than a few hours together at a time.
Since I moved into my new house a month ago, we both live alone now, so we’ve been able to have video calls most nights before bed. I didn’t even realise how much I needed the extra contact until I had it. Hearing him talk about his day and what he’s been building—in his own voice—has brought us closer somehow.
I’m trying not to get too panicked by his texts because Cee does have a slight habit of blowing things out of proportion. I don’t want to stress myself out if it turns out to be nothing too serious.
An hour and a half later, I make my excuses to my department head to duck out early. My last class of the day was not particularly effective in distracting me because we were doing mock exams.
It’s raining heavily when I leave the school building, so I make a dash for it to the teacher’s car park. Still, my clothes are soaked through by the time I dive into my Jeep. I shoot Cee a quick text to let him know I’m on my way and turn my windscreen wipers on as I reverse out of my spot.
It takes me around forty minutes driving to get off the territory. Spotting a passing place further up ahead, I dump my car there for now since I haven’t passed anyone for a while.
The sky rumbles with thunder and a flash of lightning cracks through the dark clouds. After I’m undressed, I stuff my clothes into my backpack. Shifting quickly, I pick up my bag with my teeth and start running in the direction of the barn. I can get there faster in my wolf form than in my car, and the dreadful weather will help keep me out of sight of anyone braving a walk today. Most humans who see a wolf shifter in the distance tend to tell themselves they've just seen a large dog, but we try to keep out of sight as much as possible.
Running through the trees usually calms my mind, but my thoughts are spiralling over what Cee could possibly have to tell me that he can only say face-to-face. Having spent most of the afternoon telling myself it’s probably nothing, my stomach is churning with worry as I get closer to the barn.
Cee explained to me a few weeks ago how his dad was really starting to pressure him and Will to set a date, but he promised he would find a way out of it. What if he couldn’t do it? What if a date has been set? There’s no way I could sit back and watch him marry someone else.
What if he’s decided he’s never going to leave his pack, so he needs to leave me instead?
Maybe I’ve been pushing too hard for us to be together in the open, and now he thinks he has to make his choice before he’s ready. But I can’t see why he’d need to discuss that with this level of urgency.
Truthfully, I’d rather spend the rest of my life in the dark with Cee than not have him at all. These have been the best few years of my life. When I’m around him, I get to laugh and be silly. When I’m at home or with my pack, I’m the Alpha’s son, and everyone expects me to always be responsible and serious. If Cee wants to talk in person, then it can’t be too late, right?
I’m out of breath and panting by the time I nudge the barn door open with my head. I don’t think I’ve ever run that fast in my life.
Cee's already here; he looks cosy in an oversized hoodie of mine and some grey jogging bottoms. He wouldn’t be wearing my clothes if he was breaking up with me, would he? As his eyes meet mine, though, my stomach drops. His eyes are red-rimmed and puffy. He looks devastated.
I shift quickly and run towards him.
“I’m so sorry. I fucked up,” he chokes out, handing me a pair of shorts and a hoodie to shove on.
“Why are you sorry? Don’t be sorry. Whatever it is, we’ll work through it,” I tell him desperately.
“You need to get Jasper and Jade to a safe place and not tell anyone where they are, not until the baby comes.” His fingers dig into the flesh on my arms as he speaks.
“What are you talking about? What have Jasper and Jade got to do with us?” I ask him frantically. He really needs to tell me what’s going on before I implode.
“This isn’t about us, Fee. I didn’t know it would lead to this. If I’d known, I never would have said a word. I need you to believe me!”
“Said a word about what? I need you to take a deep breath, baby. Calm down and tell me what’s going on.” He tries to take some deep breaths, but they keep hitching on a sob. I’ve never seen him like this before. Using the sleeve of my jumper, I wipe some snot from under his nose, waiting for him to calm down enough to explain.
“A few weeks ago, I told Mikey Jade was pregnant. You remember I told you I almost took my thumb off with the bench saw?” I nod, recalling it well because he’d called me out of the blue later that day, saying he needed to see me—he’d seemed so exhausted and, well, sad. “It was that day, and I wasn’t thinkin’ straight. He kept badgering me about Will, and I wanted to change the subject, but I had no idea it would lead to this. I… I had no idea. I didn’t think…” Fresh tears stream down his cheeks, and my lunch sits like lead in my stomach.
“Lead to what?”
“Niamh overheard Mikey and some of his friends talkin’. She said they were plannin’ something to make it look like Jade died in an accident. They think if a new Campbell Alpha is born, we’ll be at a disadvantage. Everyone knows the pack is almost broke, and Sam doesn’t have a mate. My da’s gettin’ older, and people are starting to panic over the pack’s future.”
My mind whirls, trying to process too much information at once. Before I can unpack everything else, I need to make sure my family is kept safe.
“I need to go,” I tell him calmly, uncurling his fingers where they’re digging into my skin.
“Niamh is telling my da, right now. He’ll put a stop to it.” His voice wavers, and I can’t help but think he only hopes that's the case. I certainly can’t risk the safety of my family on his dad, hopefully putting a stop to this. I need to go and warn them. How do I warn them, and leave Cee out of it? “I’m so sorry,” he tells me again.
“Don’t be. It’s my fault.”
“How could any of this possibly be your fault?” He tries to reach out for me again, but I take a step back, and he looks crushed. His fingers flex as though he doesn’t know what to do with them if he can’t touch me.
“I shouldn’t have told you about the baby. My pack trusted me, and I betrayed them when I told you. It’s my fault, and I need to go.” I can’t stop the cold from leaching into my voice, but I need to leave and warn my family before I can break down.
“What do you mean? I’m your boyfriend, you should be able to tell me things. I fucked up, I know I fucked up, but I’m going to fix this, okay? Let me fix this.” His voice is pleading with me, but I’m angry with him, and I need to leave before I say something I’ll regret. He needs to let me go.
“You’ve done enough. If there’s anything else I need to know, text me. I have to put my pack first for once.”
Why would he have told his cousin? I always assumed everything we talked about stayed between us. As soon as we both came clean about who we were, I honestly didn’t even filter what I said around him, and he didn’t seem to around me. I knew how dire his pack’s financial situation was, but I never would have told anyone, not even Alice.
What else has he told them?
As easily as the snap of a twig, the trust is broken. I feel embarrassed and foolish for trusting him so implicitly. I thought it was an unspoken rule that the things I told him when we were alone were said in confidence. He clearly didn't see it that way.
When I make it back to my car, I call my mum, giving her a brief rundown so she can get Jas and Jade somewhere safe quickly. By the time I’ve pulled my clothes back on, she’s sent me a text with an address. It’s a safe house that’s vaguely familiar. It’s right in the heart of our territory, deep in Whinlatter Forest, up in the mountains near Keswick. My Satnav says it’ll take roughly an hour and a half to get there. It’s only late afternoon, but the sky is a dark grey, and the rain is still heavy. The weather reflects my current situation poignantly.
As I drive up to the chalet-style property, I see Jas’s beat-up Land Rover parked on the driveway. After pulling my Jeep up behind him, I make a quick dash for the front door, trying not to get drenched through for the third time today.
They must have got here considerably faster than I did since Jas already has a fire going and is pacing a hole in the carpet. Jade looks surprisingly unphased; she’s curled up under a blanket, watching Schitt's Creek . She gives me a soft smile and pauses her show as I toe off my shoes, and Jas raises his eyebrow at me in question.
“Sit, and I’ll explain what I can.” Jade lifts her feet so Jasper can sit on the sofa next to her, and I plonk myself down in the armchair facing them.
The entire drive over here, I debated what exactly to tell them. As hurt and angry as I am with Cee for telling his cousin something I thought I told him in confidence, I know he never in a million years would have seen this as a possible outcome. I know I need to put my pack and my family first, but I also need to find a way to protect him too. I’m not going to throw away almost four years over one horrible mistake.
I can’t lie to myself, though; there is a paranoid part of my brain that has me questioning everything I’ve ever told him. For so long, I’ve assumed everything we talk about stays between the two of us, like some unwritten rule, and suddenly I don’t know for certain if that’s the case.
Have I had the measure of what’s between us all wrong?
I know Connor loves me, but he’s also made it clear his family comes first, and I think I’ve been choosing to ignore that. And now my family is in danger because I always hear what I want to hear rather than the truth.
“I’m trying not to freak out here, Nix, but I really need you to start talking,” Jas says.
“Sorry. My head’s all over the place,” I reply.
Taking a deep breath, I explain as best I can while keeping Cee's identity a secret. I tell them I’ve been seeing a girl from a Scottish pack in secret but that it’s over now. Taking responsibility for my part in this, I admit I told them about the baby and apologise for thinking they would keep it a secret but that I did trust them.
It’s a struggle to contain my anger towards Cee because I should have been able to trust him. After almost four years together, trust and love were all we had. With that broken, what’s left?
Where my tale gets a bit dicey is when I try to explain how they were close with someone from the Kelly pack, overheard the plot against Jade, and warned me as soon as they found out.
Jade nods her head and absently strokes a hand over her baby bump while Jasper sits with his brow furrowed.
“Who is she ?” His eyes narrow in suspicion, and I don’t miss how he emphasises the word she.
“I can’t tell you, okay? But it’s over. I don’t expect you to understand, but I need you to believe I have a good reason for not telling you who it is.”
My stomach lurches when I say it’s over. Is it over? I don’t know how we’ll move past this, but I get a very real searing pain in my chest when I even contemplate not being with Cee anymore.
“I’m so sorry, Jade; this is all my fault.”
“You weren’t to know, love. Honestly, I can’t help but think nobody was. Alpha Kelly couldn’t have even known.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Tensions between us and his pack are the same as they’ve always been, but he has a good relationship with my dad’s pack in Northumbria. He wouldn’t risk that. And honestly, I know his pack is enemy number one to you guys, but he’s a good friend of my parents, and he’s always seemed like a good man to me.”
Her explanation makes sense, and I feel some relief wash over me. I’m smart enough to understand I’ve been raised with a very biased view of Alpha Kelly and his pack. I can’t imagine anyone horrible could have raised Connor to be the way he is, though. When I met with Cee earlier, Niamh was already telling their dad about it all, so it feels safe to assume Jade will be out of danger for the time being.
Cee: I’m so sorry. Can I call you?
Cee: My da is dealing with Mikey, nothing bad is going to happen to Jade, I promise.
Cee: Please don’t shut me out. I know I fucked up but I love you.
Cee: I understand if you need some time, but please tell me you’re ok?
I had left my phone in the car while I was talking to Jasper and Jade; I hadn’t meant to leave him stressed out. When I step back into the house, Jasper is ending a call.
“Any news?” I ask.
“That was Mum. She’s spoken to Alpha Kelly, and they’re meeting tomorrow. She says there’s no immediate threat, but for Jade to stay here with at least one of us until everything has been ironed out.” I nod and let out a deep breath.
“I’m meant to be coaching this weekend; I can come straight back after, though.”
“It’s fine. I can be here and work from home next week if need be.” I decide then that I’ll come back afterwards and stay here regardless. I owe it to them after causing all this mess.
As I watch Jasper sit back down on the sofa, resting a hand protectively over Jade’s bump, I wander down the hallway to one of the guest rooms to give them some space.
Me: I can’t call you but I’m ok. I love you, but I need to make my family a priority right now. Give me some time to process all this x
When I see the message go immediately from ‘delivered’ to ‘read’, I almost laugh. Three little dots appear within seconds.
Cee: I understand. I love you. I’ll wait to hear from you x
I sigh, because if Cee does, in fact, wait to hear from me, I’ll be extremely surprised. It actually pisses me off how much I tip-toe around him when he needs space, and yet if he’s anxious, I have to provide all the reassurance required. Sometimes, I wish I got to be the unreasonable one. I want him to learn that I get to have space too when I need it. And I think I need it? I’m honestly not sure if I’m asking for space because it’s what I think I should need, what I do need, or if there’s a part of me that’s punishing him for letting me down. It’s probably a combination of all three.
I hate how even when I’m angry with him, he’s the person I want to comfort me. He’s the person I want a hug from and the person I want to vent to. The person I want to reassure me it’s all going to be okay.
After what feels like ten hours of marking but was probably closer to three, I hear the front door open and my dad’s voice echoing from the hallway. I head out of my room to say hello. He’s got a big shopping bag in each hand that I take from him to go and put away in the kitchen. I take a quick glance into the bags to see what I’ll be cooking for us tonight. Chicken thighs, potatoes, and some root vegetables. I’ll probably roast it all.
“Are you staying for dinner?” I ask him as I walk back into the lounge. He shakes his head.
“No can do. Just popping by with supplies. I need to pick up Alfie from his rugby practice,” he explains. Alfie has aged out of the team I coach, so now my dad has to ferry him around.
My dad follows as I go back into the kitchen to prepare dinner and shuts the door behind him.
“How’re you holding up?”
“Shouldn’t you be asking Jasper and Jade that question? It’s my fault, after all.” He gives me his soft dad eyes. The ones that never fail to make me well up if I’m already feeling like shit.
“Nobody thinks this is your fault, son. Maybe it’s time we finally put this feud to bed. Some good can come of this.”
“Mum blames me.” I press my palms into my eyes, trying to get rid of the tears before they fall. It’s embarrassing how at twenty-four, I still care this much about getting my mum’s approval. My dad pulls me into a hug and squeezes me tight.
“Don’t tell her I said this, but your mum isn’t always right. She was raised to be an Alpha, and sometimes she forgets to be a mother first,” he says quietly before letting me go. I fight the urge to scoff at his use of the word ‘sometimes’. I don’t think she’s ever put being a mother before being an Alpha.
Over the course of the next week, it’s basically Groundhog Day. I get up early to make the long commute to work, teach my classes and then come back to the safe house to spend the evenings with Jasper and Jade. Jade seems reasonably content, but Jasper gets progressively agitated as the week goes on.
Every evening, my mum calls, and we get the same update. She’s been meeting with Alpha Kelly every day, and they’re coming up with some sort of peace agreement to put an end to this. I should be relieved, but my chest is tight with anxiety.
I didn’t speak to Cee for a few days, but then I realised the ‘space’ I’d been asking for wasn’t really making me feel any better. We agreed that for the time being, we’ll talk, just not about what’s happening with our packs. It’s mostly small talk, telling each other how our work day went, but the somewhat tense contact feels better than none at all.
As I’m chopping carrots and celery to make a bolognese for dinner, I spot Jas pacing in the hallway, so I pop my head out.
“What’s up?” His head shoots up at the sound of my voice.
“Mum called. She says she needs me to join her for the meeting with Alpha Kelly tomorrow, but she didn’t tell me any more. Something feels off, though,” he explains, and the inner turmoil I've felt over these ‘peace talks’ makes my heart rate spike.
“It makes sense for you to be there. You’re the next Alpha, after all.” He nods but looks no less unsettled. “Why don’t you go out for a run? Just being in the same house as you is making me tense. I’ll be here with Jade.” For a moment, he looks like he’s going to argue with me on it, but he knows it’s for the best that he lets off some steam. Jas rarely sits still for longer than five minutes; a week inside the house is like trapping him in a tiny hamster cage.
The following day is a Sunday; rugby training is cancelled because the field we use has flooded, so I get a lie-in. By the time I get up to make coffee and breakfast, Jasper has already left for the meeting.
Jade and I enjoy a full English breakfast courtesy of my dad stopping by with more groceries yesterday, and once we’ve eaten, I clear up the dishes.
I manage to kill a few hours with more marking, then making lunch, and then with nothing else to do and no word from Jasper or my mum, I join Jade in the living room while she binge-watches the latest series of Always Sunny. I keep checking my phone even though it’s on vibrate, as though through sheer will alone, I’ll receive a message from my brother. On the hundredth time of checking, I notice my phone isn’t connected to the wifi, and there’s no signal here, so I wouldn’t have received anything anyway. I quickly reconnect and get two messages through immediately.
Jas: I’m really sorry Nix, I’ll explain properly when I get home but this isn’t what I wanted for you.
Cee: Please, you can’t go through with it. I’m begging you Fee, please don’t do this!
Don’t go through with what?