Chapter 23
This must be a joke.
Kieran has been avoiding me.
He comes home after I’ve fallen asleep and leaves before I wake up. He’ll have someone deliver me food, snacks, and medicine—usually Gideon, but Virgil did arrive to surprise me last night.
No more notes. No kisses. No explanation.
For five days in a row.
My wound is nearly fully healed. There’s been no talk about getting back to work or moving back to the Court. And Gideon, of course, has no idea about it.
I’m bored out of my mind.
I’ve finished three books. I’ve cooked, baked, cleaned, drank every tea, and tasted every alcohol to ever exist in this house. Today, I started talking to the wine bottles to keep me company, like they’re guests at a dinner party.
This silence is screamingly loud.
When Gideon comes by this evening, I am ready to go to war.
“Hello, Cass—woah.” He stops mid-sentence, eyes wide, nearly dropping whatever precious dinner he was sent to deliver
I grip the knife in my hand, and without explanation, I demand, “Take me to him.”
Gideon blinks. His lips twitch like he’s trying not to laugh. “You seriously think you could threaten me with that tiny little kitchen knife?”
“Of course not,” I reply, baring my teeth. Then slowly, I bring the blade closer to my skin. Just a few centimetres more, and it’ll draw blood. “It would be stupid to threaten you,” I add. “Much smarter to threaten myself.”
Gideon flinches.
He sets the food down fast and lifts both hands like I’m a cornered animal and he doesn’t want to spook me.
“All right, all right,” he says. “Let’s not do anything dramatic.”
“Dramatic?” I snort. “You should save that line for your King. Maybe remind him before he leaves someone alone in this massive house for nearly a week. Tell me, Gideon … did a war break out? Is the Court in flames? Did someone assassinate a Council member? Or has he just been hiding from me?” I take a step forward, my voice dropping, low and sharp.
“Because six-hour ghost shifts don’t exactly scream busy. They scream avoidant.”
It takes Gideon a full minute for all of that to sink in.
I realise I’ve just blurted out a very personal crisis at his feet, but I don’t care.
Kieran doesn’t get to do this to me.
If he freaked out—if he decided this, us, was a mistake, all he has to do is tell me.
Not vanish into thin air, cutting me off from the world whilst still pretending to care by sending me food and medicine like I’m a pet he forgot to rehome.
If he’s done, he needs to say it.
I can’t, for the life of me, think of a reason why, since everything about that night was genuinely amazing. But whatever has changed, he needs to just make it clear.
Because it’s killing me.
Gods, it’s really killing me.
“First of all, I’m sorry,” Gideon says carefully, stepping forward. “I didn’t realise what was going on. Kieran’s been in an impossible mood, so I figured you two had a fight.”
“A fight would have been better than this!” I throw my hand in the air. “I haven’t seen him in five days! He’s given me no explanation. Nothing! I’m the one who should be upset, not him!”
“Yeah … I can see that,” he mutters, edging closer. “Why don’t you put the knife down and I’ll get a message to him?”
“No.” I lower the blade closer to my skin. “Either bring me to him, or go get him. Now.”
“Cassandra, Kieran’s in a meeting. Why don’t we—”
“Now.”
The knife presses, just enough to kiss my arm. Gideon’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t move—so I cut.
A sharp sting. A thread of red.
I hate using this tactic—being this pathetic to get attention.
But this is the Fae.
I need to speak their language.
“Gods, Cass—please. Let’s talk about this. Kieran’s going to kill me if I interrupt him,” Gideon begs, panic rising in his eyes as I lower the blade again, steady as ever, without even wincing.
“Tell me, Gideon.” I hum, tilting my head. “Are you sure he won’t kill you for this?”
A pause.
It’s a dangerous game I’m playing, but I’m willing to bet that whatever meetings Kieran seems to always be stuck in lately aren’t half as important as me—considering he basically turned a Fae into dust for laying a hand on me
“Well?” I arch a brow, waiting.
Gideon curses under his breath. I don’t know what kind of magic the High Commander possesses, but the knife hasn’t vanished from my hand, so I’m guessing he can’t magic it away.
Instead, he takes another step towards me.
“Don’t you even think about it,” I hiss, lowering the blade from my arm to my wrist. “Or I swear to Gods—you’ll regret it.”
“You’re not going to kill yourself, Cassandra.”
I smile, slow and wolfish. “See, this is where you’re wrong,” I mutter, eyes narrowing. “I haven’t got much to live for these days. I entered this Court—do you think I’m scared of dying?”
That hits him, right where it’s supposed to. Gideon goes still, the blood draining from his face.
Did he think I believed I could win the wish? Because I didn’t. There’s no way, and I already knew that.
I know exactly what’s waiting for me at the end of the trials, and it’s not a wish.
“So, go ahead.” I scoff, tipping the blade just a little closer. “Let’s see if I’ll do it.”
Gideon takes a deep breath, then slowly steps back.
“Fine. I’m going,” he says at last, voice rough. “Just please … don’t do anything stupid. I’ll be right back.”
“Make it quick.”
Gideon doesn’t reply. Just nods—then vanishes with a swoosh of wind.
I drop the knife with a huge sigh, blood dripping onto the hardwood floor.
Then I sink into the sofa, not bothering to tend to the cut on my arm. It’s not deep, and one drop of Fae medicine will cure it in the blink of an eye.
Wish I could say the same about the stupid wound in my heart.
Barely three minutes later, Kieran appears right in front of me, jaw tight, panting.
No sign of Gideon.
“Have you lost your mind?”
“Have I lost my mind?” I shoot up to my feet, pushing him in the chest. “Have you lost your mind?! Where the hell have you been? Why are you avoiding me?”
Kieran barely moves. He doesn’t answer but instead grabs my arm to look at the cut. “Please tell me you didn’t do this just to get my attention.”
“How else am I meant to? Considering you act like a guest in your own home, sneaking in and out every damn day just so you don’t have to see me!”
“It’s not like that. I—”
“Oh, it’s exactly like that,” I cut in, staring him in the eyes. “Don’t give me that crap. At least have the decency to tell me the truth. Why else have you been coming in so late and leaving so early when you were practically all over me the other night?”
Kieran’s jaw clenches. His gaze drops to my arm again, then he hovers a hand over it.
I feel a slight cold, then the cut is gone when he lifts the hand.
If Kieran thinks that makes up for everything … well, I’ve got bad news for him.
“Oh, good.” I twist my arm from his grasp. “Next time I can do more.”
“Fucking hell, Cass,” he growls.
“What? Are you saying I’m the unreasonable one?
” I raise my voice. “Am I supposed to be reasonable when you left me here all by myself for almost a week with nothing but books to entertain myself with? I can’t even go to the cafés because I’d have to climb up a mountain to come back here. Gods, Kieran. What is wrong with you!?”
Kieran runs a hand through his hair, then exhales, long and sharp, like he’s trying to steady himself to go to war.
“What’s wrong with me?” he mutters. “Everything, apparently. You scared the shit out of me that night at the ball, and I’m the idiot who let things get too far.
” He looks at me, something fragile cracking through the mask.
“I had no idea I was going to feel this much. And that … gods, that night was the first time in a long time I’ve actually felt something real. ”
My breath catches. I blink, trying to make sense of him unravelling in front of me.
Kieran swallows. “How can you not get it, Cass? I realised that night that I wanted this,” he adds, his voice cracking.
And for the first time ever, those beautiful eyes are full of fear.
“And I can protect you from whatever the rebellion throws at me. But you’re in the trials, and I can’t get involved with that. I swore an oath centuries ago.”
His voice turns ragged.
“So, tell me—how am I supposed to stand there and watch you die?”
The words hit me like a dagger to the heart. I’m trying to breathe—to steady myself.
But it hurts.
Gods, it hurts.
Here we are, screaming at each other because we want the same thing—the very thing we can’t have.
“You really have no faith in me, do you?” I whisper, but my voice breaks at the end. “What if I win?”
Kieran lets out a bitter laugh. “Then you go home with your boyfriend.”
“But I don’t love him.”
Silence.
Utter, crushing silence.
I step closer, and Kieran doesn’t move.
I know telling him I don’t love Declan doesn’t mean much, not when there’re still other unresolved issues—because still human. He’s still Fae. Will I just forget the life I left behind and stay in this Court forever?
And to do what, exactly? Continue to be his assistant?
Gods, the problems are endless.
But in case I don’t make it … “I only came here to save Declan. I wasn’t going to get back together with him.”
Kieran shuts his eyes, only for a brief moment. “No, Cass—you came here to die.”
The breath in my lungs turns sharp, piercing me like a blade. I can’t meet his eyes because I know … I know it’s true.
“Why do you think I freaked out so much when you were stabbed? I knew you came here to punish yourself,” he continues, his voice rising, each word sharper than the last. “Fuck—I was terrified you were going to give up on me that night. And then you went and hurt yourself just so I’d come and see you. ”
I brace myself and glance up, a useless attempt to hide the tears.
I came here to die.
I knew I would.