14. chapter fourteen
chapter fourteen
it's my party and i already know i'm going to cry
T he last time I had a birthday celebration like this, I was six.
Or somewhere around the age when it was still cool to invite you’reentire class and you weren’t concerned about whether the popular boy stared at you weirdly because of how large your tutu was.
It was before I’d ever stepped onto a set, besides the ones I’drun around on when my sister was filming something. It was before my future was stripped from me, before I could decide what I wanted it to look like.
And the day was mine.
I had a crown on my head, and it was my name in the middle of the‘Happy Birthday’ song.
I didn’t realise it would take thirteen years for me to feel thosefeelings again, for the nervous butterflies—because all the attention was on me—to take up every corner of my gut. But I didn’t want to focus on that. My mind wanted to be present.
“Oh God, that garlic bread was... I don’t even know what it was but Iknow I’ll be dreaming about it for the next week.” Cora practically moaned from her corner of the table, everyone’s hushed laughter, the deeper laughs coming from Jess, Finn and Tristan, echoing around it.
I hadn’t thought twice about inviting the guys tonight. The morningafter the freshman event, as we sat in Pin’s with coffee cups warming our hands, it just kind of spilt out—how much we liked them. There was a quiet glow in the air as we traded stories, soft smiles tugging at the corners of our mouths. We all felt it—the way they made us feel safe, like we didn’t have to try so hard to be interesting or cool.
It was in their easy smiles, the way their eyes softened when one ofus spoke, like they really wanted to hear what we had to say. When they asked for our numbers, it wasn’t some empty gesture—they actually checked in, every few days, just to see how we were doing. Little things that felt thoughtful, like they genuinely cared.
So having them here tonight? It wasn’t even a question. It just feltright.
“We’ve never really had Italian food,” Finn says, craning his neck toDaisy. “But I think I love it just as much as Smokies, this barbecue place in our hometown.”
Daisy nodded her head, stopping the forkful of pasta inches fromher mouth. “I’d take this ravioli over their pork chops any day.”
Jesse, who had probably been the quietest of the guys since we’djoined forces, nodded his chin in Tristan’s direction. “What do you normally eat back in London?”
Tristan shrugged, the dim lights above the round table we’d takenover shadowing his face. “We pretty much survive on Carvery’s and picky bits. And you can’t go wrong with a jacket potato every once in a while, right, Cora?”
Cora nodded before resting her elbows on the table and pointing afinger back at him. “That, and the occasional chip butty.”
Tristan’s head rolled back as his eyes went all wide and dreamy.“God, I’d kill for a chip butty.” The groan that left his mouth was anything but subtle, and with the way the lights made the shadows of his jawline that much sharper, I had to stop myself from staring.
Then, from my right, Henry cleared his throat, and my heartstopped beating once I remembered that he was sitting next to me. “My Dad mentioned something about them when he came back from Oxford, are they really that good?”
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him quick enough, the fluttersin my stomach every time I caught his eyes building up and freezing me in place. As I shifted my head to face the rest of the table, I caught the end of Cora’s enthusiastic nod mixed with a head tilt, before I let my gaze slide to Tristan.
But all he did was simply let a tight smile tug on his mouth, as hiseyes raked over Henry, almost warily.
Odd.
He glanced at me, catching my confused stare before his gaze slidback, and a slow, easy smile curled on his lips—like he hadn’t just locked eyes with Henry in that silent standoff. I shifted, about to nudge him under the table, but then I noticed his eyes drop, not to the floor, but to my chest. His smile softened as his gaze settled on the locket resting there, it's weight only getting more comfortable by the minute.
The room seemed to go quiet when I let my eyes trail down his faceas he took it in. I watched that strong cupids bow pop, right as my heart dropped and my stomach knotted, as he mouthed the word ‘pretty’, while he nodded at it.
I had to bite the inside of my lip, not letting go until I felt my pulsesimmer, and mouthed back, ‘thank you.’
The ending of Finn’s joke and the giggles that followed brought meback into the moment. Rory then hopped in on the conversation that was still revolving around food, telling us about the weeks of snails and garlic she had to endure while she visited her aunt in Paris this past summer. Jesse then leapt in and added to the whole barbecue versus Italian debate that was also happening, sparking a heated argument between him and Daisy, but all that did was shine a light on the fact that there was indeed history there. Whether they wanted us to see it or not; their raised tones and whimsy smiles did that for them.
And when Tristan and Cora carried on their conversation about thefood they missed from their homeland, I felt a nudge on my arm, twisting my head to find Henry, smiling down at me.
“Hi,” he whispered.
“Hello,” I replied with a smile.
“I just wanted to say thank you… for letting me come tonight.”
I shook my head as I smiled, “You don’t have to thank me; I’m justglad you’re here.” My shoulders rolled, ruffling my dress. “I thought it might be nice to actually see each other outside the library or on the way out of class.” I let a laugh slip past my lips, delighting in the way he let one slip too.
“Yeah, me too.” His blue eyes sparkled at me, before they droppedto my outfit, just a basic baby yellow strap dress that fell to my thighs. He cleared his throat and practically whispered. “And you look lovely; you always do but… even more so tonight.”
At that moment, it was like every word I’d ever learned over mynineteen years on this planet suddenly left my head. My mouth was parted, and nothing but stuttering and struggling noises came out, like I was choking on something.
Pull yourself together, you idiot , I screamed in my head. You’vecried out four page monologues for thousands of people before, why can’t you just say thank you? Say anything!!
“Uhh… I—” My eyes were searching his, as though somehow what Iwanted to say I’d find in the depths of his eyes. But all I found in them was concern, as to why I’d suddenly lost the ability to talk like a normal human being.
In these moments, I felt like I was behind in a race I hadn’t heardthe gun for, as though dating and love were just inside jokes that I still hadn’t been told the punchline to. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and I certainly didn’t know what it meant that I only felt this stupid when I was under Henry’s attention.
What did it mean that I’d forgotten how to answer a question whenHenry asked me one? But when I was with Tristan, it was like I’d known the answer before he’d even spoken to me.
The questions made my head feel cloudy, and the tips of my fingersstarted to buzz when I tried to tackle them.
Henry nodded his head at me, almost ducking it to meet my eyes.“Are you okay?”
Pathetically, I gave in to whatever was making me forget how tospeak, nodding at himbefore my eyes fell in the opposite direction. Which, in this case, was a mistake, because I forgot that Tristan was sitting there, and his eyes were already on me, looking just as concerned as Henry was.
But before he could mouth something to me that would make mejust want to melt into a puddle underneath the table, the girls were hushing the table as the dull glow from what looked like a small fire appeared in the corner of the room.
As they got closer, I could count them exactly.
Nineteen candles sat around a cake.
The girls knew what my life before Liberty Grove looked like, evenmy birthdays, and I had a sneaking suspicion that after coming clean about not having proper birthday cake in years, they’d planned this the second I left the room.
I shook my head at them, almost in disbelief, as the waiterscarrying the cake got closer to the table. The tears I could feel building started to sting the corners of my eyes as the cake was laid in front of me, my head angled to the ceiling to stop them from falling and making me look like an emotional wreck.
It’s simply not your birthday if you don’t cry, Goldie.
I eventually cast my eyes down to the cake, the warmth from thecandles lighting my face. It was a big circle, boarded with white buttercream, and topped with little pearls and edible stars. ‘Happy Birthday Goldie’ was written across the top of the cake in yellow icing, in the prettiest cursive handwriting I’d ever seen.
“Make a wish, Goldie.”Rory’s giddy voice sounded out from across the table, and I broughtmy eyes up to her for only a second before casting them back down at my cake.
I had thirteen years of wishes to catch up on, but the one that flewthrough my head was as simple as wishing that this feeling, the one that was tugging my smile higher as I blew out the candles, never died.
The warm candlelight flickered out, leaving only the dim glow fromthe overhead lights, casting a cosy haze over everyone’s faces. I smiled at them all—each and every one, even Henry—feeling an unexpected rush of gratitude. How had I gotten so lucky to find a group like this?
This is it, Goldie. Your life is here.
The thought hit like a whisper, but it carried weight. Suddenly, thatfamiliar sting crept back, tears I’d fought off earlier rising again with even more force. I blinked quickly, dabbing at my eyes, but it was too late. The lump in my throat thickened, and my bottom lip started to tremble, betraying me.
I needed a minute.
Subtly, I scooted out of the booth, leaning in to whisper to Cora asI passed. "I’ll be right back." She gave me a knowing nod, her hand gliding gently down my back. No one else noticed as I slipped out, their attention still lost in the chatter.
Once I was a few steps away from the restaurant entrance, coveredby a wall of potted hedges scattered with white roses, I rested my hand on my bent knees and let the tears start to fall.
Just like that.
I had to remind myself, as a few sobs broke free from my mouth,that I was overwhelmed for all the right reasons. These were happy tears. And once I reminded myself of that, I felt the familiar tug of a smile start to pull on the corners of my mouth.
When the thoughts settled in my head, I stood up straighter,resting my back against the nearest wall and sucking in a breath that filled my lungs to the brim with cold air, while my eyes fluttered shut. But the second my ears pricked up at the gruff cough that came from my side, they sprung open, and I tipped my head to find a man lingering near me.
His stumble-covered mouth smiled at me as our eyes locked, thesmoke from the cigarette wedged between his fingers billowing around him. “You okay over there? That was quite the moment you just had.”
Fabulous, random strangers saw me crying.
I shook my head as a small smile graced my mouth. “I’m fine.Just… needed some air.”
I felt the right side of my body stiffen as he shuffled closer, thesmell from the cigarette making the food I’d devoured feel vile as the smoke drowned me. “It’s always nice to have a moment alone, don’t you think?”
The question alone made me feel queasy. “I suppose,” I mumbled.
I silently prayed this weird moment would just fizzle out. But thenhe flicked his cigarette into the street, stepped aside, and with a quick glance over his shoulder, smirked. “Oh yeah, it’s her alright, Joe.”
My pulse quickened for all the wrong reasons, goosebumps pricklingmy arms as a guy who stood at least a foot taller than the man who’d asked me if I was okay emerged at his side. It was then that I remembered that I’d studied their faces before, heard their scratchy voices breathing down the back of my neck.
The guys from the Moody Sunday’s concert. The ones who pushedme.
The taller guy, Joe, nodded his chin at me. “Well, look who it is,” Hisvoice was deep, eerily so. “The little bitch that got me thrown out of the concert that I’d been waiting for for over a year.”
I couldn’t find the strength in me to say anything, so I simply threwmy head forward, wrapped my arms around my waist and began to walk away—
Hands grabbed my shoulders, but there was no one in front of me.Whoever it was who’d grabbed me must have snuck up behind me, their powerful grip making my shoulders start to ache, like bunches of thumbtacks were puncturing my skin.
I struggled underneath their grip, and when I realised the guywho’d first approached me was nowhere to be seen, I guessed that he was the one who’d grabbed me.I managed to angle my head enough to see that it was the guy whoreeked of tobacco, my shoulders still resisting, before my attention was pulled back onto Joe.
“Oh, you can’t leave yet, birthday girl.” He laughed at me before Icould say anything, his vulgar expression making me cringe beneath the other man’s grip.
Without thinking, and channelling whatever strength I had left inme, I rolled my eyes.“Do you really not have anything else going on in your sad little lives,that you want to spend your night intimidating a girl who simply called you out for not being polite?”
The only way I could describe their laughs was slimy, as the soundclung to my ears and made the panic I’d tried to ignore flush my body and heat my skin.
The guy who had a hold of me grunted. “We were at a table nearby,and we simply saw an opportunity.” I felt him lean down, his chest invading my back and his breath soaking my ear as he whispered. “Happy birthday, by the way.”
Disgust rolled through my body, as my head felt like the inside of astatic TV. I felt dizzy, like I’d pass out any second from panic. I tried to get something, anything, to come out of my mouth as I stared up at the man towering over me, but the chokehold of fear that had caught up to me was too intense.
All I could do was let my eyes frantically take in every detail ofthem, hoping it’d help me once they decided to let me go.
If they decided to let me go.
I couldn’t keep up with what was happening, how quickly this nighthad turned around. Only a minute ago I was crying from happiness; now the tears stinging the corners of my eyes were fueled by nothing but pure terror.
The taller one, Joe, began to walk over to me as the guy who had meunder his grip started to pull me backwards, further into the shadows of the alleyway that was only a few paces from the restaurant door. “Is this what you wished for just now, birthday girl?” He mocked, as a gross smile plagued his face.
His gaze fell from mine as he licked his lips, the action making menautious, as he found the locket that was still around my neck.
His bushy eyebrows raised. “Well, ain’t that pretty.” Callousedfingers grazed my skin as he pulled at the locket. “Ooh, weighty too.”
“No, please.” I sobbed, all the fight I’d had in my before fadingonce I saw his plan in his eyes.
But before I could so much as plead with him again, there was asharp tug at my neck, and when I cast my eyes down to his hand, the locket was in his sweaty palms. “I’ll keep it safe; don’t you worry, baby.”
Seeing my locket go into his pocket made that fear fade and a waveof anger wash over me. “What the fuck is your problem? Huh?” I looked around me, trying my hardest to shift from under the weight of the guy behind me. And when I couldn’t, I spat back, “Tell your ugly friend to get his meat hands off me before he loses them.”
A round of laughter erupts around me, their sickening smiles all Icould focus on. “Who's not being polite now?” He was getting way too much pleasure out of seeing me like. “We just wanted to have some fun.”
Joe lifted his black eyes up to the monster behind me. “It’s clearback there, right?”
I shook my head as a quiet sob fell from my mouth. “No, no please—”
"Oh, it’s a little late for manners now baby,” Joe laughed, as hegripped my arm. “Move your ass before someone finds—”
“Oi!”
One moment Joe was pulling my arm, back into the alleyway that wasanything but safe, and the next he was by my feet, holding his head in his hands and groaning.
Through the tears in my eyes, I could see someone, their silhouette,and once I’d dried my eyes, the white light from the street lamps gave away that it was Tristan, as he held his clenched fists, that I could see getting redder from here.
He nodded down at Joe, and the guy behind me, their intimidatingheight no match for Tristan, who towered over them by at least a foot. “Alright lads?” He smirked, ever so sarcastically. “The fucks’ going on 'ere then?”
The weight that had been pressing down on my shoulders suddenlyleft, and while I should have been paying attention to what was happening, all I could do was hunch over and grip my shoulders, anything to ease the pain that felt like a blazing fire. It didn’t take long for me to feel a hand slip through mine, and before I knew it, I was settling into Tristan’s side, catching my breaths in the same air he was.
The guy who’d let go of me spoke up to Tristan, as Joe began to getto his feet. “I don’t think it’s any of your business. Just some fun that you weren’t a part of—”
“I’ll think you’ll find it is my business when my girlfriend’s involved.”
I lifted my eyes just enough to see the commotion in Tristan’s,wondering whether it was the fact that he could feel my frantic heartbeat pounding against his chest, only picking up it’s pace once I echoed his words in my head that caused it.
His girlfriend.
My eyes fluttered as I jolted back into the moment, inching closertowards Tristan as I regained some consciousness, shivering as he slipped an arm around my waist. I let my arm wander around his torso, not thinking straight, but knowing that I needed to hold him, purely to settle the idea that I’d dreamed that someone had found me.
I clung onto his body, the ridges of his stomach molding around me,as he stepped us back from the guys, whispering ever so subtly, “I’ve got you.” into my ear.
“Now, you,” Tristan said, nodding his chin at the other guy, as he puthis attention back on them. “You get a head start, because I’m feeling generous.” Both Joe and the other guy looked at each other for a second, before they twisted their heads back to Tristan, who simply shooed him. “Go on then, off you fuck.”
The man who’d thought he had any right to pin me down like thatbacked away, before the shadows of the alley ate him up, and he disappeared for good.
He nodded his chin at Joe, who was still holding his head like itwould fall off with one slight move. “And now you, dickhead,” Tristan said, moving closer towards him, without moving his hand from around my waist. “Unless you want to start eating your breakfast through a fucking bendy straw, I suggest you chase after your boyfriend and think about your life choices that made you want to attack a nineteen-year-old woman.”
Joe’s face whitened, but some of that darkness still lived in hiseyes. “And why should I—”
The thud that sounded as Tristan’s fist met Joe’s face for thesecond time was even louder than the first one, like a lightning strike that defied the rules of science and struck in the same place twice. One deadly hit right after the other.
Joe’s groans were louder this time as he lifted his eyes to take usin, before he stumbled back a few steps, the shadows consuming every part of him for good.
And then things went silent, so quiet that I had to look around, untilI felt Tristan move back beside me. I dove into his eyes as they got wide, and his voice got shaky.
“Are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay.” He urged, as his eyes gotglassy and his trembling hands cupped my cheeks.
I did my best to nod at him. “I think so.” I managed, as we bothnodded in sync.
Tristan’s head dropped to our feet, and I felt him suck in a breath,before connecting our eyes again. “I saw that you were practically crying as you left the table, so after a minute I came to check if you were okay and…” His glassy eyes didn’t stop roaming mine, as though he were checking for fractures, any sign of permanent damage. “Fuck, Gold’s I nearly had a heart attack when I turned the corner and saw what they were doing to you. I nearly…”
He caught his breath, as his hands slid down to my shoulders, glidingover the parts of my arms that I knew would be black and blue in the morning.
“I nearly screamed. But I didn’t want them to hurt you so I justpunched the guy who was closest to me and—”
“Tristan, it’s okay.” I breathed, my hands cupping his cheeks likehe’d done with me, not caring about how close that made us. “I’m okay. It was those assholes from the concert, the ones you had thrown out.”
Realisation washed over his face, in a way that had me shaking myhead and muttering to him. “I’m okay. I’m safe.”
“Are you sure?" He asked, choking down a breath. "They didn’t hurt you?”
I nodded, not thinking as I settled my cheek against his chest, breathing him in. “I promise. Apart from my arms, I’m okay, I promise, Tristan.”
I felt him lean over, his chin resting on the crown of my head, his arms holding against him. “Okay…okay.”
This was another stolen moment, pulled out from the rush of everything else, hidden from the world and even time itself. I couldn’t put words to it, the way it felt like everything had hushed around us, giving us this space to simply be. Pressed close against him, tucked safely into his chest, it felt exactly right, like I was meant to be here, holding him as he held me.
He eased away from me slowly, but his hands still lingered overmine, never letting his fingertips drift even an inch away, as though those men might come back any second and try to snatch me.
I let my head fall, closing my eyes, trying to make sense of what hadhappened, when I felt his stare back on me, burning me in the way it usually does. I lifted my head, as a smile barely crept its way onto his mouth.
I watch Tristan as he notices me remember what he’d done, whathe’d told them I was to him, his head dropping, if only to give himself a minute to remember too, before his eyes were back on me.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what I was thinking when I said it, I justthought that…” he took another breath. “I thought that it was the best way to make them feel uncomfortable and get them to leave.”
Was that why he had done it?
As someone who was beginning to believe the rumours that werecircling in my heart that I was starting to feel a certain way about this boy, I wanted to think it meant something. But, like he said, it was a precaution. A tactic.
Just words to help a friend.
I nodded at him, those nervous jitters taking over. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. I mean, it worked, right? Itwas actually pretty smart, now that I’m thinking about it. Girlfriend, yeah. No, you did the right thing, definitely; in fact, I can’t think of a better way we could have—”
“Gold’s?” He smiled, interrupting my word vomit. I inclined my headat him, while a smile, bigger and more real than the last one, bloomed on his face. “Breathe.”
I could assure him that all I had to do to never breathe again in mylife was replay what he’d just done for me.
But I nodded, and did my best to take in what I could. I laid a handover my chest, waiting to see if my heartbeat had gone down, when I skimmed over my skin and remembered—
“My locket.” I felt my eyes widen, causing Tristan’s to as well. “Theytook my locket!”
I let my eyes fall to the ground, hoping that that awful man had dropped in when Tristan made himself known, but I couldn’t see it.
“How am I going to tell my parents? What am I going to do?”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Tristan reassured me, his hands skating up my arms, his warm palms soothing me. “We’ll get it back, I promise. After we go report them to someone, we’ll make sure to mention that they took it. Do you have a picture of it?”
I nodded, my head feeling wobbly.
“Okay, we’ll show them that, and we’ll have it back in no time. Okay, Gold’s?”
I nodded again.
“Okay.” His smile peaked, his eyes giving me one last glanceover, as his hand fell to mine and began to walk me back to the front of the restaurant, but before we went back inside, I needed to say something.
“Tristan?” I called, halting our footsteps and gaining back those soft brown pools. One corner of my mouth spiked as my mouth fell open. “Thank you for coming to check on me.”
His smile was the prettiest thing I’d seen, and when he sent a winkmy way and whispered, “No problem, girlfriend .” a tiny fairy light went off in my head.
If pretending to be my boyfriend made those men disappear, Iwondered what the chances were of it having the same effect, but the other way around—
Just words to help a friend.
“Come on, you, there’s birthday cake to eat and I’ve lived with Finnfor long enough now that I know he’ll have his eyes on it.”
I kept my mouth shut as Tristan walked meback inside, and for the rest of the night, I tried to forget what had happened, my mind trying to focus on what he’d said, what it had done, and how I knew it could help solve both mine and Tristan’s problems.