15. chapter fifteen
chapter fifteen
it's the only way we make sense
UNKNOWN NUMBER
today at 7:38AM
meet me by the fountain before class. i have something i want to run by you.
goldie?
yeah. how did you know?
you're the only one i've ever seen by that fountain
i don't understand why no one else just wants to exist there. i love it.
but anyway. i need to see you
sure, see you there, sunshine.
wait
how did you get my number?
twitter leak
wtf!?
kidding. it was finn.
I hadn’t slept at all last night.
Couldn’t.
And it had nothing to do with Finn’s constant snores either.
No, every time I closed my eyes, she was all I could see. All I couldhear. The way her golden hair was trapped under the fingers of some lowlife who thought he had any right to touch her. The cry that got caught in her throat as the taller guy crowded her. The way her eyes dulled and became unrecognisable when she stared at them.
The memories wouldn’t leave me alone. They clung to me, replaying in myhead, keeping me sitting up in bed, wide awake. When that happens, when my mind starts spiralling, there’s only one thing that calms my thoughts—I write. But I didn’t write about what happened.
I wrote about her.
When the sun finally broke over the Hudson, I got dressed anddecided to be a good student and get to class early. When I got to campus, I got the message from Goldie, and the first smile I’d cracked since seeing her blow out her candles last night crowded my face.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a person happier to see a birthday cakein my life. The way she counted the candles with her eyes and sat over their glow, it was endearing. It made me think back to what she'd told me at the freshmen event, and the parts of her story she hadn’t shared that contained the chapters on what made her excuse herself from the table because she was crying over a birthday cake.
A part of my heart broke her for, truthfully, which was why I leftthe table to check on her. And that was probably the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.
Reading over her message again, I tried to remember the few timesI’d passed the fountain on the thousands of times I’d gotten lost in these fucking halls. But somehow I turn down the the right corners to make me stumble across it again.
The water that constantly trickled from the rusting taps, nestled inthe stone details, seemed to put me in a trance, and the sleep that had been nowhere to be seen last night suddenly came over me, and my mind went back to last night in a heartbeat.
My stomach dropped when I remembered how she felt—shaking likea leaf caught in a gust of autumn wind, her cheeks all clammy and red. It felt natural to snake my arm around her back and tug her towards me, getting her as close as possible, as though she’d slip right back out from my hold.
A burst of laughter echoes down the hallway, snapping me out of mydaydream just as I nearly drop my backpack into the fountain. When out of the corner of my eye, I catch a flash of blonde speeding toward me.
I turn, and there she is—eyes sharp with determination, every steppurposeful. I can’t help it; my smile breaks through before I even think to stop it—
“I think we should date.”
Oh.
I pull my head back and shake it, trying to register her words.“What?”
She caught her breath as she repeated herself. “I think we should date. Fake date but still—”
I meet her gaze, her eyes more serious than I’ve ever seen, cheeksflushed like she’d sprinted here just to ask me that. My hands lift in a slow, exaggerated flail. “I’m gonna need some context here, Golds.”
She nodded back at me before sitting where I just had on the edgeof the fountain, claiming the spot next to her a second later.
“I’ve not stopped thinking about what happened last night—aboutwhen you got those guys to leave because you told them I was your girlfriend. It worked, right? It got them to leave me alone.”
I don’t take my eyes off her as I drawl, “Righttt.”
“Well, what if the same thing could happen for you?” She caught herbreath, her eyes casting ahead of her. “What if… what if we walk around here and make it obvious that we are dating, then surely everyone will leave you alone. No more random groping and constant interruption.” Her bright smile glowed in the sunlight that dazzled the glass that made up the walls, as she set her eyes back on me. “You’d be left alone, Tristan.”
Two thoughts crossed my mind when her lips closed.
One: I was happy she was okay. Her regular, happy self.
Two: What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?
What she was saying, what she was proposing, was only becomingclearer the more she talked. And if I wasn’t lying to every single person who was sitting at that table last night, if I was eager to leave… it would have made sense.
But this was insane.
“So, you want me to fake date you, so that everyone will leave mealone?” I asked her, intrigue furrowing my brows. “Why can’t I just tell them to fuck off?”
She blew a laugh out of her mouth. “Well, for one, that’s rude.Effective, but rude. And who’s to say that those girls might not get off on that? You know, the whole treat 'em mean thing?” I weighed up her words in my mind before she carried on. “And two, you practically did say that to Becca, but I still see the way she stares at you like you’re her next meal.”
She pulled her head back and smiled as she began to pace in front of me. “Pretending you’re with me, it’sperfect. Just hold my hand or show me off, and these girls will leave you alone for good, and you can focus on getting out of here, going back home, just like you want to.”
Getting out of here.
Going back home.
Just like you want to.
For the first time since I’d landed here, I caught myself slipping. I’d let my guard down without even noticing.
It was easy to get lost in it—the banter, the late-night runs for food with the lads, the shared looks over inside jokes that only made sense to us. Somewhere along the way, I’d stopped thinking about the mask I was supposed to wear, forgetting the reasons I’d put it on in the first place.
And then there was Goldie. With her, it felt like I was already the person I wanted to find, someone who didn’t have to play a part. She’d laugh at something stupid I said, or give me that sideways look when she caught me staring, and suddenly everything else—the lies, the act, my past—just faded.
But now, in a rare quiet moment, it all came rushing back. Trust meant opening up. Attachments meant risking someone seeing too much. And with Goldie in the mix, I’d let myself forget that secrets, especially mine, were worth more than a few laughs or stolen moments.
I shook my head, desperate for something—*anything*—to say that might drag me out of my own thoughts. “Is this your clever little way of getting close to me because you secretly fancy me?”
Her eyes went wide, the sunlight catching her face as she practically choked. “What? No! Oh my God, no!”
I couldn’t help but laugh, a proper belly laugh. “Alright, calm down! No need to make it sound like being with me would be the end of civilisation as we know it.”
“No, I just mean…” She thought over her words for a second,before scooting around to face me. “No, no, you’re my friend, Tristan. I care about you, and you being here is not what you want so… let me help you.”
Friends. We were friends.
Part of me was thrilled. And yet, another part of me was tangled inconfusion, trying to make sense of it all—wondering what it meant that I couldn’t quite convince myself that what was pulling me toward this girl was just friendship.
Before I could let my thoughts suck me back into their ragingcurrent, her eyes stopped roaming and found mine, holding them as delicately as she could.
“Look, I know what it’s like to be stuck in a life you don’t wantbecause your parents think they know what’s best for you, and if I can help get you out of this in any way, help you get what you know is right for you, then let me.”
That reminder of home only reminded me of how much being therewould be a nightmare. I’d be swamped by memories and bad dreams, and I’d just spiral. That was why I was three-thousand miles away.
But she thinks you hate being here. She thinks you can’t stand thisplace, and the people who go here.
Maybe there was a reason I wanted to be in the shadows—morethan the safety they promised. Maybe it was the fact that, on some level, I knew I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that what happened, happened. And if I wasn’t ready for that, there was no way I’d ever be ready to explain it to someone else.
Just the hazy image of me sitting down to tell Goldie about thattime in my life, about those people, about that night, when God herself didn’t have a clue what was paralyzing my body, made the walls in my mind start to falter.
Maybe keeping myself in the dark corners of Liberty, away from thequestions, the attention and using Goldie as my shield, was exactly what I wanted.
Maybe I needed this.
As I entertained the idea of what she’d offered in a spare part ofmy brain, I let my eyes dip to my lap, zeroing in on my twitching fingers, before I peered up to meet her stare. “And what are you getting out of this?”
Her head bobbed to the side. “What?”
I sighed, stretching up from the fountain and standing in front ofher. “Well, let's say, hypothetically, we did this; I can’t just let you help me if there’s nothing in this for you. You have better things to be doing than helping me; you’d be around me all the time and we’d get sick—”
“Tristan I don’t just want to sit around and wait for you to come tome to tell me that another Becca groped you, okay?” Her gaze turned fiery, subtle enough that if I looked hard enough I could see the crystal tones catching fire as she held my stare. “Would you pretend to be my boyfriend again if it meant guys wouldn’t try to hurt me?”
I would. I didn’t need a second to think about that.
“Of course I would,” I said, the quiver of a nod heading her way.“But if you’re helping me, then let me help you, with anything.”
Her bottom lip sank into her teeth; that smirk not hidden like shethought it was. “You could teach me how to play guitar?” I mulled over the idea; a picture of me sat behind her, a guitar in front of us, teaching her the chords, and I would have said yes if she hadn’t screwed up her face. “Actually, I have no hand-eye coordination so that would just be hopeless.”
I shrugged. “I could tutor you?”
I’m pretty sure the hyenas in Central Park Zoo all quieted to laughat that.
I shook my head, realising that tutoring Goldie would be liketutoring a textbook. “Yeah, maybe not.”
We both stood there for a second, lost in our own thoughts, when Iwatched her start to pull at the sleeves of her cardigan.
She did that a lot—pull into herself—and I had a feeling it wasn’t just the autumn chill. Last night, it was more noticeable—especially when Henry looked her way. She hadn’t been kidding when she said she was clueless about flirting. It was written all over her face when he told her she looked lovely; she froze, like she didn’t know what to do with the compliment.
I watched it happen, though she never caught my gaze. And honestly, I was glad. The last thing I wanted was to make that moment even harder for her.
But perhaps there was a way I could help her.
My eyes got wide. “What if I help you get Henry?”
She froze, her eyes pinging to me. “What?”
I shook my head. “What you told me the other day, about notknowing how to ask someone out because you never had the time to learn… what if I could help you?”
Her eyes narrowed, playfully so. “Oh, because you’re an expert inthat area?”
I ducked my head to her height, those narrow eyes of hers wideningslightly. “Goldie, this is where I thrive.”
It wasn’t a total lie, but I think it’s safe to say that I’d lost some ofmy charisma since… you know. But I’d help her, in any way that I could.
She went quiet for a moment, her eyes locked on mine, searchingfor something. Then, with a quick tilt of her head and a slight pull back, she straightened instinctively. “You know what? This is crazy. It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
I shrugged, caught up in the breeze she caused as she began topace. “A little, but I don’t know, Gold’s,” I took a step towards her. “If you want my help, then my time is yours.” I let my gaze fall, forgetting my lies for just a second, and letting the kid inside me speak. “You’ve been the closest thing to a friend since I’ve been here. Yes, I’ve got Finn and Jess… but you’re the first person I’ve ever considered a friend, a proper one.”
I closed the distance between us, taking another step towards her,close enough that I could take in the sweet scent of strawberries that seemed to exist around her.
“This was your idea, after all, and if you want to back out at anytime, if being my fake girlfriend is shit, then we’ll stop. But if you want to help me, I’ll do everything I can to make this part of your life that little easier.”
I don’t know what tapped on my heart in that moment, what thatsharp pain was as I spoke those words, but I tried to ignore it, at least until I was back in the dorm and I could write it down to a riff.
She considered it for a moment, her golden eyes roaming mine,almost searching for the flaws in her plan. But I didn’t think she’d find any, because, although it was crazy, this made sense.
She’d get her guidance.
I’d get my privacy.
Her hand outstretched before me. “So, do we have a deal then,Harper?”
I lifted my hand to reach hers, closing around her soft palms andswearing I could hear her breath catch as they locked. “We have a deal, Moore.” I felt a smile beam on my face. “Thank you for thinking of it.”
“And thank you for not laughing in my face. ”
“Never, Gold’s.”
Her eyes held mine, and for a moment, it was like we’d slipped into a world of our own, untouched by everything outside of it. There was a warmth there, something delicate, hovering just on the edge of what we might say, what we might admit if we dared. I could feel her guard lowering, an unspoken question in her gaze that mirrored my own.
But then the weight of reality drifted back between us. Her brows drew together, her expression shifting as the world beyond us settled into focus again. “Wait… what about the others?” she whispered, her voice barely above a breath. “Do we tell them, or… should we keep this up in front of them?”
“I guess thatdepends,” I breathed, stepping closer until our fingers naturally intertwined, the world outside fading for just one more moment. “What do we do if we’re in the halls, holding hands like this, and Cora, Finn, or Daisy walks by and asks what’s going on?” I looked down at our hands, then back at her. “Would it be easier to just keep this up for everyone, the whole world?”
She shrugs, as a blush invades her cheeks. “To be honest, I’m kindof embarrassed about the whole ‘dating 101’ thing. Regardless of the faerie smut on my nightstand, the girls don't know about this. And I’m still working on being honest, and not keeping everything in my head for once, so if we can keep this between us I’d like that.” She nodded, more for herself. “We’ll just say it’s casual, whatever is between us.”
I nod, but before I can retreat into my head, her mouth gapesagain. “And I guess if you’re planning on leaving soon, we won’t have to pretend for long… right?”
No. No. No—
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Absolutely.”
She chuckled. “Okay.”
I had to wonder if I’d ever get sick of wearing this mask every day,for however long it took me until I could look in the mirror and fully recognise the bloke staring back at me. But whenever I seemed to exist around Goldie, my mind sort of wandered, and no matter where it went, she was always there, always on the horizon of my thoughts. She made me forget about everything that had wounded me up here, and everything that made me crave the darkness.
She made me feel like a better version of who I was whenever I wasnear her. I wasn't a fuck-up. I wasn't reckless.
I was me.
But she’s right; music is what I want. I can’t forget that. And whenI could see a version of myself that I liked, I’d do it right this time. I wouldn’t get sucked into the wrong crowds. I knew I could trust myself to be sensible. And this girl in front of me wants to be here. She fought to be here.
The only way we made sense was to pretend to have feelings foreach other. And when we took a few steps away from the halls, the tracery, and the gardens, it was as clear as the autumn skies above us.
Her future was here, and mine wasn’t.
I traced her features while we let what we were about to do sink in,before I watched her mouth slip open, “Just… one thing.”
“What is it?”
She looked off to the side for a moment, before her arms wrappedaround her waist. “What happens if we… what happens if we start to… get feelings?”
I had to swallow whatever had lodged in my throat. “What do youmean?”
Her nod was small, but her eyes grew wide. “We’ll be close, Tristan.If I’ve learned anything from pretending to like someone for the cameras, it’s that sometimes the lines between fiction and real life can be blurry, and before you know it you’re crushing on someone who is only acting out their feelings.”
I eye her.
She sighs. “Jamie Devon, who played my first TV boyfriend, Icrushed on him a bit hard and when I told him I liked him, he called me stupid and told me that his feelings for me weren’t real. I was thirteen and clueless, and I’ve learned my lesson.”
I stood still for a second, realising that she had a point. So, withouther seeing a difference, I slipped off my mask, and let the truth fall out of my mouth with a sigh.“I can’t fall for you. We’re two different people with very different futures who belong on different sides of the world. I’m not planning on falling for you, or anyone for that matter.”
Goldie seemed to stand taller as she replied, “And I can’t fall foryou knowing that, if I did, all my firsts, that I’ve waited so long for, wouldn’t be real.”
For someone who thought she was blind when it came to love, itmade me happy to know she had such a clear picture in her head of what she wanted, and what she deserved. And I was sure that I’d get over the fact that that picture looked nothing like me.
“Your firsts are safe with me, Gold’s. I swear.”
Her smile rose. “So it’s settled; no falling for each other.” Shereminded me, holding out her hand.
I slipped my hand through hers, cold as anything, before shaking it.“Deal.”
As our hands fell back down by our sides, I recognised that feelingof being watched, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a group of girls, ones I’d never seen before, or maybe I had and they were all starting to blur together now, hovering over by the wall that led to the fountain.
As Goldie looks up at me, I find a fallen curl that frames her face,and graze my fingers along her skin as I tuck it behind her ear. Her eyes widen, the brown that swam with the gold gazing up at me, as I duck down, my lips pressing a kiss onto her cheek, hot as ever, before I near her ear and whisper, “Shows on, Sunshine.”
.