16. chapter sixteen
chapter sixteen
where's the ghost of girlhood when you need her?
“ G uys, say something. Anything,” I pleaded, cupping my hands aroundmy face as I sank back onto my bed.
The girls had been sitting wide-eyed and silent on Daisy's bed for awhile now, and it was starting to freak me out.Cora’s gaze flitted around the room, her brows furrowed inconcentration. Daisy was rooted to the spot, twisting the ends of her curly braids as she stared out the window.
Finally, Rory cleared her throat, breaking the tension. “I’mconfused… when exactly did you start dating Tristan?”
I tightened my smile, trying to keep it steady. “Last night.”
Cora’s head snapped back to me, her eyes wide. “At your dinner?”
“During.”
Daisy abandoned the clouds and blinked rapidly at me. “Wait, is thatwhy you left the table? And why he left right after?”
No, I was crying because I was happy, then I got attacked, and thenTristan saved me.
“Yes.” I blurted, while the girls all turned to each other, mixedemotions splashed across their faces.
Rory turned back to me. “But… Gold’s, we thought you liked Henry?”
I shrugged, a smile tugging at my lips without permission as Henry drifted into my mind. But just as that hazy image settled, something shifted. Suddenly, Tristan took his place, his presence pushing aside the memories of last night. And this morning.
You’re supposed to like him now, remember?
The thought fluttered through my mind as I imagined us together—two people at opposite corners of the universe, each yearning for something different. Our futures unravelled in my mind like strands of yarn, one a pale yellow, the other a deep, starless black—two colours that were never meant to intertwine.
But then I recalled the way he’d looked at me, the effortless wayhe made me smile just by being there. The memory lingered, wrapping around me like a warm blanket, and my smile deepened, even as confusion twisted in my chest. It was strange to feel so pulled in two directions, both pulling me toward a future that felt impossibly complicated.
I shrugged. “I did, I do, but...” I pictured Tristan by the fountainthis morning, whispering things into my ears and tattooing my cheek with a kiss that held up my end of this bargain. “He’s sweet, you know, and I don’t know... I just like him.”
None of that was a lie. Tristan was sweet; behind the clothes andthe dark stare, there was a boy who just wanted to feel supported, someone who wanted anyone to trust his visions. He reminded me a lot of myself.
It helped this whole thing that he also wasn’t awful to look at. He was all the components of a heartthrob with all the dare and angst of a misunderstood villain.
I looked up at the girls, swoony smiles resting on their mouths, onesthat warmed my heart, knowing that I could have told them anything, and they would’ve been happy for me.
My shoulders rolled as I cupped my hands. “It’s just… you guys knowwhat happened before I got here, and I’m… I’m just figuring out what I want… I’m figuring out what my heart and I never had time to figure out.” My heart pattered as I reminded them, “To fun, right?”
Just as quick as the rain started pelting on the window, Rory jumpedup from her spot on the bed and bounded over to my side, wrapping an arm over my shoulders as she did. “Oh, Souci,” she sighed, which I’d learned was French for ‘Marigold’. “You know we’d never judge you, or do anything to make you think we aren’t here for you. And we like Tristan, he’s funny.”
Daisy shrugged. "Doesn't hurt that the boy can write a damn good song too."
I nodded, making a mental note to finally listen to some of them when I had a moment alone today.
Cora sat up, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I swear he's been obsessed with you since that night at the Moody Sundays concert. I see it every time we’re all together.”
What?
“Wait… really?”
Daisy threw her hands in the air, the green in her eyes sparkling. “Are you kidding? It’s like you’re the only thing in the room!”
I let that sink in, my heart skipping at the thought.
Does he really look at me like that?
But even if he did… did it matter? I could almost see a version of us that could work—a fleeting glimpse of what might be if I squinted hard enough and let my imagination take off down a path it had never explored. Yet, with that dare came a flash of reality. Our dreams felt like different songs playing in the same space—pretty but never harmonizing.
There was no way our paths would ever cross if this wasn’t pretend.
I had to hike my smile back up as I looked back at the girls. “Well… surprise! We’re a thing.”
Rory smiles like a loon as she stands up, her fluffy socked feetsliding her to the worktop. “God, it’s so cute. Girl who never had a chance to fall in love before finds love in the one place where she knew she was meant to belong? Oh, what's that? I think that’s Hollywood calling because that’s a movie right there.”
I shook my head and smiled, watching her as she grabbed a waterfrom the mini-fridge. “You’re forgetting that it was Hollywood who was partly to blame for the whole ‘never had a chance to fall in love before’ thing.”
“Speaking of Hollywood,” Cora announced, her voice beating theheavy rain against the window. “How about a film? That cinema down the road does half-price tickets for Liberty students. And I really need some escapism before that ridiculous influencer event with Bashful tomorrow.”
"If it's ridiculous then why did you agree to go?" I asked, but the way Cora's demeanor shrunk made me want to take it back.
"Because not going isn't a choice right now." I'd never heard her voice so mellow, and for someone who wasn't afraid to let her accent be as rigid as it was, I couldn't help but let the questions stack up in my mind. But before her words could settle, she shimmied herself, her bob swaying. "But it's fine. Jamie will be there. And I'm seeing my sister afterwards, and then I get to close up at Flo's. I've got things to get me through it."
You might wonder what someone like Cora, who had more followers than there were stars in the sky, was doing working a part time job at a bakery. I did to, but when I asked her over the summer, when I'd wander into Flo's whilst getting used to the city and solidifying this friendship, she confessed that it was of how normal it made her feel.
And as a girl who was still searching for that herself, I admired her for that.
"So," Cora announced. "Cinema trip?"
I sat up. "Ooh, or they just opened up the ice rink down in Central. We could grab some hot cocoa on the way?"
Cora barked a laugh. "Absolutely fuckin' not." We all looked to her. "Unless they have those penguins that the kids use to stop them from going arse over tit, then it's a no from me."
A laugh flew through my nose, before I turned to the others. "Rory?"
She smiled. "Oh umm…" Hesitation wrapped around her smile. "I haven't skated in years, I'm sure I'd be no good anymore."
Cora perked up. "But what about those medals under your bed—"
"I vote the movies." Rory interrupted, her smile the forced kind we'd never seen from her. "I'd commit a felony for a cherry Icee."
Daisy leans back on her bed, her knees tucking into her chest.“Wait, I thought we were going to the Lions game tonight?”
“No!” Rory shouted from the other side of the room, mine, Cora andDaisy’s faces all confused at her raised voice. Her brows eventually softened. “I mean… I’m just not in the mood to be around them right now.”
Cora cleared her throat to cover up the way she mumbled, “Themor the blonde one you’re madly in love with—” She didn’t hide her mumbles very well, she never did, which was why a pillow from the end of my bed met the side of her face before she could finish her sentence. “Oi!”
We all cast our eyes to Rory, the one who’d launched the pillow,whose eyes were probably the saddest I’d seen them. “Can we not talk about it? He turned me down, I’m embarrassed, let’s just forget it ever happened.”
I furrow my brows, confused as to what any of this meant. “Wait…what happened?”
Rory came flopping down on my bed as she claimed the spot next tome, an almighty sigh vibrating against the sheets as her thick ponytail scattered across them. She lifted her head just enough for me to see her as she mumbled, “When you left the table last night, and the others were distracted, I turned to Finn and sorta… kinda… asked him out.”
My mouth gaped. “Oh my God—”
Rory sprung up. “But it doesn’t matter, because when I asked him hegot all weird and awkward, and after thirty seconds of just staring at me and not saying anything I took the hint and turned away from him.” Rory brought her hands to her face, scrubbing her bronzed skin that seemed to glow in the strands of sunlight that seemed more intense thanks to the rain. “It’s fine, it’s my fault for picking another man-child whose brain hasn’t matured enough yet to communicate with the female species.” She looks to Daisy, guilt knitting through her brows. “Sorry, I know he’s your brother and—”
“Don’t apologise, I agree with you.” Daisy insisted, her golden spirals shaking as sheshook her head, before bouncing behind me and joining us on the bed, taking Rory under her arm and smoothing out her hair. “Is it time for me to hit him with my guitar?”
Rory peeked up at Daisy with a pout. “Yes, please.” The text tone ofsomeone's phone sounded, and when Rory pulled hers out and that soft smile faded. “Oh.”
My eyes darted to hers. “What’s up Ror?”
Her worried eyes found mine. “Oh, nothing… just my Dad.”
“Is he okay?” Cora’s voice held so much worry, purely fueled by theway the blush that constantly lived in Rory’s cheeks had faded.
“Yeah, he’s…” Her eyes went wide. “Actually, let me just call him realquick. I’ll be back in a second.” She pulled herself off the bed, her oversized sweater falling to her thighs as she sped out of the dorm and closed the door behind her.
“My heart breaks for her,” Cora said, as though she were lettingher thoughts out.
“Has she told you anything? About her dad?” I asked Cora, restingmy elbows on my knees.
“Not much, just that, after her mom passed away, he was neverreally himself. Had some heart problems ever since.”
I felt my heart break for her then, too, wondering how she couldpossibly keep her smile so bright all the time when he thoughts must be somewhere else entirely.
I had to clamp my eyes shut, before the switch in my brain thatcontrolled the waterworks was turned on.
I looked up to Daisy, shaking my head free. “What about you Dais?What’s going on with you and Jesse?”
The green in her eyes got bolder as they widened. “What?”
I shrug. “You and Jesse… you two argue with big smiles on your facethe entire time. And when you’re together, it’s like a firework show should be projected behind you.”
Her mop of curls fell in front of her face as it fell, hiding herreddened cheeks. “Oh, God, is it obvious? Is it that obvious?”
I just smile at her. “A little, we can just see that there’s somethingthere.”
Cora clears her throat. “Am I the only one who isn’t madly in lovewith someone?”
I narrow my eyes at her, raising my hand halfway. “I’m not madly inlove with anyone.”
She narrows hers right back. “Oh yeah, you’re madly in love with two people. Sorry, my mistake, Gold’s.” She laughs, which earns her another pillow to the face.
Rory’s laughs bounce off the walls as she opens the dorm door, thesweet tones stealing my attention as she turns to us. “None of us are madly in love with anyone… were just…” She took a moment to think, before bobbing her head to the side and letting her eyes wander. “We’ve probably all been thinking about a time in our lives, where were free to do whatever we want, be grown up’s for the first time in our lives… and I don’t know about you guys but I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that we’re all pretty clueless about what happens next. But… let's not overthink it, okay? Let's just exist right here, and whatever happens, we’ll work through it together.”
I took the time to look at each of the girls, the ones who’d foundthemselves at the crossroads we were all standing at before we got to Liberty, and I took them in. I studied them, like if I did it for long enough I’d be able to see the secret thoughts that lived inside their mind. As though I’d be able to see the dreams they hadn’t shared yet.
But for now, we had each other. And Rory was right, I was cluelessabout what happened next. I’d spent so much time rushing to get here that I wanted to slow time down, and savour every emotion, every smile, every crack of my heart that I felt here… because I wanted to feel normal.
This was our time to be girls—stupidly hopeless and effortlessly ourselves.
I angled my head around one more time before I felt a corner of mybrain that hadn’t been touched in years light up. I couldn’t be bothered to hide my smile as I asked the room. “When was the last time you guys had a slumber party?”
Rory and Daisy looked at each other, lighting up their eyes as bigcheesy smiles sparkled against their mouths. I mirrored their faces, as all of looked at Cora.
She sat up straighter as her brows drew together. “What the fuckis a slumber party? ”
An hour later, we were all squished onto my bed as we angled thecheapest projector we could find in Walmart in the right way so that the movie playing on the wall above Daisy’s bed wasn’t tilted.
The giggles were constant, and the embarrassing stories didn’t seem to end. In some way this night, existing in the nostalgia of girlhood and ignoring these adult responsibilities and feelings that came hand in hand with being at college… it felt needed.
In another light, we probably looked immature. We probably looked like we didn’t belong here. But who cared? I don’t think any of us cared, and that was all that mattered.
We were halfway through ‘How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days’ when Ifelt my phone vibrate under the mountain of blankets.
Tristan
Today at 17:43 PM
hey, how’re you feeling?
i’m better.
and your shoulders?
still blue, but they don’t hurt as much.
do you need anything?
i think i’m good, but thank you.
it’s alright.
i just got to the lions game with Finn and Jess, anyway. Henry’s here.
please tell me you guys are on your way.
Something that felt like guilt swam amongst the cheese balls in my stomach.
you’re going to hate us, but we’re having an impromptu slumber party instead.
and what the fuck is a slumber party?
do they just deprive you of all childlike fun in England or what?
we got caterpillar cakes and whacky warehouse… we survived just fine.
so you’re not coming?
I don’t think I’d ever let a smirk like the one that was curling up mymouth now show before. Thankfully the girls were too distracted by 2000’s Matthew McConaughey to notice.
are you gonna break up with me if i say no? ;)
no. i’ll just slyly mention to the milkybar kid that you wanna shag him until he forgets his name.
nice try. Cora already taught me that word.
and go ahead, just keep in mind that one public dumping from me every girl present will be right there to eat you up.
such violent thoughts for a beam of sunshine.
I can’t breathe.
have fun at your slumber party.
have fun with your new bestie. tell him i’m the nicest person in the world 3
we’ll see.