24. chapter twenty four
chapter twenty four
to get over someone, you have to wear their clothes
I don’t know how we’d managed it, but somehow, my Fridayschedule—along with Daisy’s, Rory’s, and Cora’s—was a perfect, class-free day. Not one lecture, seminar, or lab. The only thing we had to remember was the Lions game at 7:00 p.m. That was it. As long as we were there, the rest of the day was ours to fill however we liked.
Now that November had settled in, those unnerving first weeks longgone, we had our routine down pat. First up was breakfast at The Rolling Pin, for coffee and pie and the mandatory daily debrief. Afterwards, we’d split up. Rory and Cora took the morning shifts at Flo’s, while Daisy headed to her volunteering gig at the children’s hospital to play guitar and sing for the kids who could use a smile.
I’d head to the library, pretending to catch up on notes whileavoiding the looming case study for Etoille’s class. Every time I tried to focus on it, Henry crept into my mind. That gorgeous smile of his, was one I didn’t have to think twice about before admiring. But now my thoughts were tangled, knotted up with suspicion that there was something hidden beneath it.
I kept telling myself I’d tackle it after Thanksgiving. Maybe thebreak would clear my head, and wipe away whatever unease had been sticking to me lately.
After lunch, the four of us would always meet up again. It hadbecome our little tradition: take turns picking a neighbourhood we hadn’t explored yet, somewhere off our bucket list, and spend the day getting lost in its streets. It was simple, but it was ours, and for now, it felt like the perfect escape from everything else.
But I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed this morning. The ideaof going to Pin's for our usual debrief felt too heavy, too much, so I stayed curled up in my blankets, letting the rain pattering against the window be my excuse. I did my notes from bed, the laptop a poor stand-in for the comforting chatter I was missing. And when I got bored of that, I spent the better half of the morning making playlists filled with songs that sounded like they were written about me, wallowing in my corner of the room.
When Daisy texted to check on me, asking why I wasn’t gettingdressed, I told her it was the rain. I said I could feel the second round of the flu coming on and didn’t want to get sick again before the break. Also that I'd been trying to crawl my way out of my book slump, and after getting a fresh batch of books, stuffed with faerie overlords that promised me an escape of this reality for a while, I told her that if I put it off, I might as well never read again.
Her reply came quickly, but it wasn’t her words that got to me—it was the look I imagined she was giving her phone. She knew I was lying, that much was clear. My voice wasn’t anywhere near as hoarse as it had been during my first bout of illness. And just last night when we all went out for pizza with Jesse, I couldn't stop myself from explaining the world of my books to him.
“You know, it’s okay if you’re spending all this time with Tristan,Goldie. He is your boyfriend after all.”
That was what Daisy said before she left after lunch, and I had tokeep the realisation off my face so she didn’t catch onto anything. But the moment she left, my head fell into my hands, and the peculiarity of this whole situation hit me like a gust of wind.
For someone who was craving normalcy, I sure did have an odd wayof going about it. What the hell was normal about having my first relationship be one that wasn’t real? What the hell was normal about slowly discovering your feelings for the boy you promised not to fall for, only to know that they’ll have no choice but to fizzle out when he decides to leave?
I tried to convince myself that I was just spending too much timewith him, that, come the day he leaves, I’ll be fine, and I’ll forget he ever existed. But how was it possible to forget a soul that understood yours better than anyone else’s? How was it possible to erase someone who had found a way to tattoo themselves in your mind?
I combed through my textbooks and found the chapters about brain chemistry, the ones aboutattachment, and the pathways that crossed when you knew you were falling for someone. But none of them gave me what I was looking for. They told me to prepare for grief, like he was already slipping away, as though losing him would feel like death. And somehow, reading that made my legs tremble, like the words held a truth I hadn’t been ready to face. The thought of him being just a dream—a beautiful, fleeting thing—was enough to make my heart sink deeper than I thought possible.
The books might as well have said I’d gone past the point of noreturn. Every word felt like a confirmation of what I’d been too afraid to admit. I didn’t sleep a wink that night, staring at the ceiling, but every now and then I'd let my mind float back to our moment after class the other day, our mouths inches apart. I'd think about what he told me, about his parents, about the album, and recall how that vulnerability was just another reason I was feeling this way.
I was screwed, basically.
How could I have been so naive as to getmyself in this position?That question was pointless when I really thought about it, becauseall I had to do to get my answer was think of all the reasons why I’d felt drawn to Tristan in the first place.
“I’m fucked.” I sighed as I curled up further into my covers, anglingmy head against the headrest of my bed, the slapping of the rain coaxing my eyes to close. But just as I felt the weight of sleep crash down on my shoulders, promising me an escape from all the overthinking for a while, I heard the dorm door creak open, the giggles of my friends filtering in from the echoey hallway.
“Cheers for today, Jamie. Make sure Sofia gets those muffins, willya?” Cora angled her head back, talking to the man I’d never seen before, but even without the way she casually dropped his name, I could’ve guessed. Jamie—her bodyguard.
The nearly six-foot-tall man, dressed in dark grey, let out a chuckle,shaking the brown paper bag in his hand. “Got ’em here, kid. I’ll make sure she gets ‘em. Let me know if you head out later. I’ll be at the door in five.”
As Daisy and Rory filtered in from the hallway, I watched Coralace her arms around her waist, narrowing her eyes at him. “You know I’ll text her to check she actually ate them. As in, all four of them that are in that bag right now.”
Jamie’s face softened into an easy grin, his dimples deepeningbeneath a layer of stubble, his eyes almost twinkling as he looked down at her. “It’s your fault for making them so moreish.”
Cora rolled her eyes, but there was a playful warmth there too. “I’llsee you tomorrow.”
Daisy and Rory waved as Jamie’s figure disappeared down the hall.
When the door clicked shut, Cora leaned back against it, letting out a long breath. “God, I’ve missed having him around. That man deserves a raise with everything he does.”
She sounded relieved, and I couldn’t blame her. She’d told us a fewweeks ago how her following had blown up after a viral video, and with that came a handful of not-so-friendly encounters. Jamie’s presence wasn’t just reassuring for her—it made us all feel better, knowing she was safe when she was out in the city alone.
“It also helps that he’s probably the most gorgeous man I’ve everseen in my life,” Daisy said as the rustling of bags meeting the hardwood floor stole my attention for a second.
I kept my gaze out the window, but as their laughs halted, I peekedover at them, their faces huddled before they all looked in my direction. Until Cora’s mouth popped open with a smirk.
“For someone who claims that she hates wearing anything that isn’tpastel, you sure do love that t-shirt, don’t you?”
My head fell to the shirt that pooled around my body, moulding overthe curve of my hips, the same one that Tristan gave me the first time I properly met him. It had unashamedly become my bedtime shirt, the one I’d change into the second I got home from my classes, and spent all night getting cosy in.
I didn’t smell that much like Tristan anymore, thanks to living in a dorm with two girls that had one too many body sprays that smelt nothing but sweet, but his scent still lingered, in a way that made me want to bunch up the extra fabric and snuggle myself in it.
The colour of it was the last thing on my mind, and it was probablythe first time I’d worn something black and not felt so invisible.
I huffed as I looked back at the girls. “I’m fine, and you can stopwith the sympathy stares.”
Rory dropped her bags to the floor, before grabbing somethingfrom a Rolling Pin Bakery bag, hopping on my bed and curling up beside me. “Here, it’s pumpkin spice with pumpkin cream, and an extra shot.” She passed me the warm takeout cup, with a signature Rory doodle on the lid.
This time it was something written in French.
Tu es notre star préférée.
“It’s in French,” I said to her, my smile both thankful and confused.
She nodded. “It’ll be worth working out, trust me. And besides, Ithink we’re well in our right to give you sympathy stares when that look has been on your face all week.” Her hand rose to the crown of my head, smoothing out the tangled braids as she sighed. “Has… has something happened? With your parents? Or with… Tristan?”
I think a better question would be what hasn’t happened.
Not with my parents, they were fine. More than fine if the movingpictures they sent over said anything.
But with Tristan… I had no idea what was happening.
I hadn’t seen him in at least a week, and for people who have spentnearly every day together since our first class, it felt strange. That was the other reason I’d been rotting away with my thoughts, wondering what was going on with him.
He hadn’t responded when I texted him the other day, or the dayafter that. I didn’t think much of it, knowing that he now had an album to be working on, I had an image of him tucked away in his dorm with a guitar in his lap play across my mind. But then Monday rolled around, and our usual run-in outside Etiolle’s class never happened. Or the next day. Or for the rest of the week.
Finn and Jess mentioned he wasn’t feeling great, but when I sawthem a few days later and I still hadn’t heard from him, I tried my best to coax whatever was going on out of them. But if anything, they were just as clueless as I was.
“He’s fine. Just… busy, I guess. We haven’t seen him much either.” Was what Jess told me.
“He rarely leaves the dorm, Goldie. But when I come in, it doesn’ttake him long to grab his guitar and go out.” Finn confessed, which did nothing for my erratic heartbeat and overthinking tendencies.
I wondered if this was where it all began to slip away. Where I’dplayed my part, and he no longer needed me. Soon, he’d disappear—back to his hometown, to a life that never had room for me in the first place. I should’ve seen it coming, and should’ve prepared myself, but the thought still blindsided me.
Part of me felt thrilled for him. There wasn’t a doubt in my mindthat he deserved his shot, deserved to prove everyone who doubted him wrong. But another part, a quieter part I tried not to listen to, was struggling with the fact that whatever this was—whatever we were—had started and ended so fast that I wasn’t sure if I’d imagined the whole thing.
I shake my head, shifting my eyes back to the girls. “No, nothinghappened.” I dropped their stares for a moment, picking the already chipped polish from my nails. “It’s just…” I let my head fall back against the wall. “The first time you guys knew you liked someone, really liked someone, did it feel like everything had changed? Like… somehow you could feel yourself changing?”
Quick as a flash, Cora nodded, as she dropped her bags and hoppedup onto Daisy’s bed. “God, yes.” Her bottom lip sank between her teeth before she blew out a laugh. “Before I came here, there was this girl in the year above me, Sienna, who I’d had a thing for since I was thirteen. We both did the school musical one year, and you know the deal with theatre kids; we all crush on each other until the dress rehearsals when everyone gets stressed and hates each other, but then come the final show we're all crying about how much this experience has changed us."
We all huffed a laugh at that.
“But for whatever reason, Sienna and I stuck by each other, and I knew she was bi like me, so I didn't feel weird about letting myself imagine what it would be like to be with her.” She scooted back, hugging her knees. “It was the first time that I’d ever felt this way about someone, and even when I think back on it now, my heart skips, remembering just how intense it felt to feel such things for another person.” Her sigh was the definition of dramatic. "But then she moved schools and I never saw the love of my life again."
I chuckled. "Shakespeare should have rose from the dead to turn that into a play."
"I'll call him." Cora quipped.
Daisy emerged from the end of the room, and joined Cora on herbed. “Not that it’s any news to you guys, but when I realised that I was getting feelings for Jesse, when we were younger, I thought I was dying.” Her smile widened as we all laughed. “No, I’m serious, when I’d look at him, or when he’d smile at me from across our dining table when Finn would invite him over, which was nearly every night, I’d get this drop in my stomach and it was like the whole world was falling from under my feet. I’d get fidgety and nervous and I had no idea what was happening. Until I told my mom, and she explained what was going on and reassured me that I wasn’t on my way out.”
Rory sat up straight. “Not to change the subject, but, does heknow, Dais? That you liked him?”
Daisy shook her head. “He’s got no idea that I like him. But that’sprobably for the best, he’s Finn’s best friend, we’ve known each other since birth, it’d be weird.” She squeezed her eyes and shook her head. “Anyway, Rory you’re up.”
Rory let out a sigh. “Ryan Hatterson, my first and only boyfriend—”
“Wait,” Daisy stopped her. “As in the Ryan Hatterson on the hockeyteam?”
Rory nodded, her smile fading as she spoke. “Yeah, that’s the one.”
She let out a sigh, her fingers fidgeting with the edge of her sleeve. “I fell for him the moment he sat next to me in homeroom sophomore year, right after I moved here with my dad. But it wasn’t until a week before senior homecoming that he finally asked me out.”
Expecting to see Rory’s face light up at the memory, I glanced herway, but instead, a flicker of sadness crossed her expression. The glow she constantly had around her dulled that gorgeous brownskin, as though the more she recalled, the more it was spurring on whatever heartbreak she went through.
“Turns out the whole thing was a dare, some stupid bet he had withsome of his hockey friends who obviously needed a shiny new target, and he broke up with me the day before senior prom. But for those months where he was feeding into what I was feeling, I felt like I’d won the lottery, like I’d finally done something right and the world was rewarding me with the type of love I’ve only ever read about. I was giddy and scared and hopeful and I never wanted to get over those feelings. Until I had to.”
Until I had to.
That was the one thing I was afraid of doing with Tristan.
I whipped my head to face Rory. “How did you do it?” Her eyeswidened. “How did you get over him?”
Her eyes dropped mine. “Oh,” She mulled, pulling at the sleeves ofher cardigan, the one with stars on the elbow. “I just, forgot about him, I guess. Let time do it’s thing.”
Before I could start nodding and settling into the ease of knowingthat my feelings for Tristan would one day fade away, Cora barked a laugh from her side of the room, earning stares from all three of us.
“Let time do it’s thing? Aurora Greene you little fibber.”
Rory’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”
Cora tilted her head. “Are you forgetting that you told me exactly what you did to get over that arsehole? That one night at Flo’s when she got us talking and after letting you waffle on you finally came clean about Alex?” Cora said, and quick as anything we whipped our heads to Rory.
“Oh God,” She brought her hands to her mouth. “I forgot that youknew about that.”
Rory gathered herself before she turned to me. “Okay, so, that wasa lie, turns out time wasn’t going to do anything for me, and so I had to get drastic.” She glanced out the window, if only to give herself time to breathe, before she looked at me. “And the only thing I could think of was revenge, so, the night of senior prom, I might have slept with Alex Coleman… Ryan’s best friend.”
I pulled my head back, the thoughts in my head all swirling aroundeach other and making me dizzy. “Oh my God.”
“I know it was stupid,” she sighed, shaking her head. “But it was theonly way I thought I could control what I was feeling. I needed to get the upper hand before everything inside me started to crumble. And honestly... I don’t regret it. I needed it at the time.”
“Did he ever find out?” Daisy asked, her hands covering her gapedmouth.
“I don’t know, if he did, then he never said anything to me about it,but if he never really liked me then why would he care?” Her head fell back against the wall. “Like I said, it was more for me, so I could take some control back over my feelings for the first time in a long time.”
I had regain control. Before I started to crumble.
That was it.
Cora nodded her chin at me. “Why do you ask Gold’s?”
I shook my head. “Oh, just… I wanted to know if what I was feelingfor Tristan was normal, I guess.”
Her eyes softened, which was rare for a girl with such a powerfulstare. “You really like him, huh?”
I nodded, desperately wanting to say why that was a bad thing. “Ido, yeah.” I squeezed my eyes closed. “But I just have a feeling that it’s not going to work out.”
Daisy shuffled. “Why, did he say something?”
I shook my head. “No, but… you know when you know?”
All three of them nodded.
But then Rory nudged my shoulder. “I think you two will be fine, youdon’t see the way he looks at you when you’re back is turned.”
I knew I shouldn’t have entertained it, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Why, what do you guys see?”
Rory shrugged. “A boy so caught up in his feelings for a girl that Ibet he’s probably asking Finn and Jesse what you’ve just asked all of us.”
I knew they were trying to help, and if this was a normal situation,if we were real, they might have been right. But Tristan doesn’t want to be here, he doesn’t want attachments. He wants his home, and his music, and that’s it.
I’m the one who messed up. I’m the one who broke the rules that Iset. I’m the one who needs to find a way to stop this before I fall into oblivion and wreck my heart before I’ve ever figured out how to properly handle it.
Which was why, as they girls leaped of the beds to get their bagsand prepared to give me a haul of everything they’d bought while I was here sulking, I thought of what Rory had done.
Well, not exactly what she’d done. I knew I wasn’t ready for that.
Not yet.
But if focusing on someone else helped Rory forget Ryan, maybegiving my attention to someone else will help me get over Tristan just in time for him to leave.
Part of me hesitated as I pulled up our text conversation, but Icouldn’t carry on like this, and drastic times called for measures just as drastic, however cruel it was.
Henry
Today at 18:01 PM
hey, are you still going to the lions game tonight?