26. chapter twenty six
chapter twenty six
i can't help but let him rule my heart
I couldn’t tell you who won tonight. Or who won the fight that broke outduring the third period. I couldn’t even tell you what the drink I’d been nervously sipping all night was. I was too preoccupied, letting what happened with Tristan play over in my head again and again until the final claxon sounded and the crowds stood from their seats to leave.
I blinked away the dryness in my eyes, almost like someone had press play onme and I was rediscovering my consciousness. I barely had any time at all to look around for him, wonder whether he was still here, brooding in the corners of the rink, before Henry reminded me that he was still with me.
“What does it say that the Lions have never been able to beat the Spartans untilyour boys joined the team?” He laughed, grabbing his brown Carhartt jacket from the back of his seat and slipping it back over him. “Whenever there was a game duringmy junior and senior years of high school, I’d come down with my dad; because he had to be here, they’d never play this good.”
I turned to face him, my eyes as vacant as they had been all game. “Yeah…yeah, they’re great.”
Henry was too busy gathering his things and the empty popcorn bucket by ourfeet to notice how vacant my voice felt too.
But look at him, Goldie, he’s taking his trash with him. Oh, and he justapologised to the lady next to him who stumbled into him with her little boy. He’s perfectly fine. At least he doesn’t pull you out into the rain after ghosting you for weeks.
For the first time since talking to Finn at the start of the game, I felt the beginnings of a smile start topull on the corners of my mouth, just in time for Henry to turn around and catch it.
His baby blues traced my mouth, before his popped open. “Shall we head out?”
I nodded, not thinking when I slipped my hand into his. “Yes.” I breathed, mysmile only solidifying as I watched his eyes widen at our touch. “Let’s go.”
Letting Henry lead us through the crowds, our hands never left each others, andsomething about it made me feel protected. Having his fingers laced with mine reunited all those giddy feelings that I’d felt when I first met him, the ones I thought I’d lost in the time Tristan had been unraveling the threads around my heart.
We made it out of the rink soon enough, not before stopping by the merch standand treating myself to a jersey. I didn’t pick a number to go on the back, purely because deciding between Finn and Jesse’s numbers was something I couldn’t bring myself to do.And once we step foot out into the rainfall that had simmered since I was outhere earlier, the crowds disappearing, Henry put his hand right back in mine.
“I’ll walk you back to your dorm.” He told me, flashing me a smile thatrivalved the crescent moon that was dangling above the city, before sending a squeeze through my hand and walking us back the way I’d came.
The native sounds of the city after dark filled the silence that floated betweenus, honks and hollars from angry drivers and the rushes of wind were our reprise as we crossed from Broadway onto Bleeker St. I was counting the steps of the fire escapes across the way when I felt like I was being watched.
Low and behold, I turned my head to Henry, finding his eyes on me.
“What?” I laughed, tracing his smile lines as he gazed at me.
One of his shoulders shrugged. “Nothing. It’s just…” His eyes closed, hisbrows pulling a second later. “I guess I was just surprised when you asked me to come tonight.” he kicked a rock off the path in front of us, dropping my stare. “I mean, we haven’t really hung out in a while.”
I glanced up at him, offering a small smile. “I know, with classes and makingtime for the girls and myself and trying not to get lost everyday, I guess it’s been a minute.”
His laugh was genuine. “So, how come you asked me tonight?”
Because the boy I’m also crushing on hadn’t spoken to me in so long, and he’sleaving anyway so I have to get over my feelings for him, even though I’m pretty sure all they did after tonight was make a permanent home in my heart.
I felt my heart tighten. Tristan's shadow had been looming over me for weeksnow, and tonight it finally caught up with me. Part of me was fascinated by how easy it was for him to take up each corner of my mind, and part of me really hated it.
I cleared my throat. “I forgot how much I liked being around you.”
It wasn’t a lie, exactly. Henry had always been easy, uncomplicated—until hewasn’t. But tonight, with the noise of the crowd and the game blurring everything else out, it felt simple again. For a moment, it felt safe.
Henry’s eyes widened with surprise. “And what exactly made you forget?”
Our steps stopped as we reached a crosswalk, giving me the the perfectopportunity to replay that morning in the park with Tristan.
Shutting my eyes for the moment I did, trying to recall what he’d said, washopeless once I pictured him. The strands of his hair drifting across his forehead effortlessly, his tattoos peeking out on his wrists from under his shirt, the warning in his voice that did nothing but tell me that he cared about me.
“I’m not sure,” I blurted, finding his eyes.
The street light before us illuminated green, and we carried on our walk.
Henry slowed as we turned the corner and headed down the street where mydorm building sat, looking at me with a softness I hadn’t seen in a while. “I’vemissed this too, you know.” He paused, searching my eyes. “It’s just… you’ve got this…energy. It’s like, you walk into a room and everything just shifts. I’m drawn to it. To you. I always have been.”
Would he always be though?
Despite the question lighting up my mind, that didn’t stop my stomach fromdropping, and my skin buzz with hope. For a second, I let myself believe that maybe this was what I needed—to fall into a first love without the complications and the rules and the bunkering down of my heart to avoid it breaking so soon.
But I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting back to the way Tristan laughed, likehe didn’t care who was watching when he was around me, to the way he looked at me like we were the only two people to ever exist in Liberty’s hallways.
Because I care about you, Gold’s. I care about you enough that I’d stay herejust to make sure he doesn’t touch an ounce of the good that I know for a fact your heart lives on.
This time when my eyes clamped shut, I kept them that way, for amoment. I let myself exist in the darkness. Anything to ease the ache that was manifesting in the centre of my forehead.
Silence clung to our shadows as we weaved through the late night foot traffic, nothing but casual glances up to him that he didn’t catch, because his attention was sky.
And it was hard for me to imagine that the boy who was holding my hand andcounting the stars was plotting something bad.
As we reached the edge of my dorm building, the warm light spilling out fromthe lobby windows, I turned to him. “Can I ask you something?”
Finally, his ocean eyes fell on me. “Anything.”
I sucked in a breath, filling my lungs with every ounce of it I couldbefore I dropped my gaze. “And not to sound all regency era but…” I tilted my eyes back to find his. “What, exactly, are your intentions here?”
“My intentions?”
I nodded. “With me. This.”
For a moment, Henry looked unsure. His mouth opened slightly, as though hewere searching for the right words, but when he spoke, his voice was as clear as the blue that swam in his eyes. “I like you Goldie, in a way that I don’t think I’ve ever liked another person before. Whatever I’m feeling, it feels… heavier.”
“Sounds painful.” I smiled up at him, earning one right back off him.
“It’s not painful.” He took a step closer, close enough that I could see his breathhitting the night air. “But even if it was, it would be worth the pain.”
He said that he wasn’t going to limit himself.
He confessed that if he started seeing you, you wouldn’t be the only one he’dbe seeing.
I swallowed as my head fell forward, the weight of Henry’s stare and Tristansvoice too much to handle.
“I want to see where this goes.”
His delicate words forced my head back up to him.
I should have felt relieved, but instead, my head was only making room for more questions. How could Tristan have got it so wrong when Henry was being so vulnerable with me right now? Telling me exactly what he wants, putting everything on the line for me. And yet, every time I blinked, it was Tristan's face that drifted behind my eyes.
Tristan didn’t lie. At least, I didn’t think he would. He wasn’t the type to hold back; he wore his emotions like his music—loud, honest, and too raw to ignore. But then, why did nothing add up? A part of me wanted to believe he had just been careless, that he didn’t mean to make me question everything I thought I knew. Yet the questions circled, tightening in my mind.
I imagined him now, running a hand through that messy hair, looking anywhere but at me if I asked him. He’d probably laugh it off, give me that half-smile, like it was all a game and we were just making up rules as we went along. But that wasn’t true, was it? Because here I was, caught in a web he’d spun, whether he realised it or not. And here was Henry, spilling out his truths in front of me, and yet... all I could do was think of—
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Henry blurted, his voice quiet and painful.
I blinked, caught of guard. “What?”
“Tristan.” he nodded, his expression softened, but there was somethingunderneath it—something knowing. “That’s who you’d rather have walking you home right now.”
I swallowed hard, the weight of his words sinking my head against the brickwall of the building, my back flattening against it a moment later. I opened my mouth to deny it, to brush it off and call him crazy… but nothing came out.
He was right.
And pretending he wasn't... that wasn’t fair to either of us.
“I…” I hesitated, staring down at the tips of my shoes before finding thecourage to stare back at him. “I don’t know.”
Henry’s eyes stayed on me, waiting for more, and I could feel the air betweenis getting heavier. Like how the world feels when it’s about to rain.
I ran a hand through my hair, separating the curls that had already dropped inthe rain, fueled by the frustration that was pricking my skin.
“I don’t know what I want anymore,” I admitted, my voice softer than Iintended. “I thought I did. But everything feels… tangled. Complicated.”
Henry didn’t say anything as he stood there, tugging at the ends of his jacket,and I knew he was waiting. I could feel his patience starting to crack, and it made my chest tighten. I had to say something real. Something that made sense of the mess in my head.
“What I do know,” I said, my voice steadying as I pulled my head from thewall, “is that I just want to feel… loved. For once.”
The solemn expression that had masked his face lifted, something flickering inhis eyes that I couldn’t quite read.
I bit my lip, feeling the words pour out before I could stop them. “You know,apart from my sister, I’ve never had that. Not really. Everyone always wants something from me. Or expects me to be this… this person I’m not. But love? Real unconditional love? I don’t even know what that feels like.”
Henry took a step closer, his voice gentler now. “Goldie, I do care about you.You know that, right?”
I nodded, handing over the reigns to my mouth that apparently I had no controlover tonight. “I know you do. But that’s not the same as love.”
He looked down for a second, and I could see the frustration he was holdingback. When he looked back up, his eyes were harder, though his voice stayed calm. “You think he loves you?”
“No,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “I don’t know. That’s the problem,Henry. I don’t know if Tristan is even capable of... whatever it is I’m looking for. He’s not staying here. And maybe I’m not supposed to want someone who’s going to leave anyway. Maybe I should want something... easier.”
Henry’s jaw tightened. “Easier like me?”
I closed my eyes for a second, trying to gather my thoughts. “No. That wasn’tthe right word to use—”
“Then what did you mean, Goldie?” His voice was sharp now, and I could feelhis patience breaking. “Because from where I’m standing, it feels like I’m just the backup plan. The one you run to when Tristan’s not around.”
“That’s not fair,” I said, looking up at him. “You’re not some backup plan.”
“Then what am I?”
I hesitated, my heart pounding. I didn’t want to hurt him, but the truth was, Ididn’t know what I wanted anymore. Everything felt like it was slipping through my fingers. Like I was losing a grip on my gut feelings, like it's power was draining.
“I just want something real,” I said, my voice breaking a little. “I want to feelsomething real. And I don’t know what that looks like yet. I don’t know if it’s with you or with Tristan or—”
“Or anyone else,” Henry finished for me, his voice cold.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. “No, Tristan, I didn’t mean—”
The name slipped out, uninvited and unforgiving. It hung between us, sharpand undeniable, like a slap in the cold night air. I froze, my breath catching in my throat.
Oh God .
Henry’s face went blank, the teasing smile vanishing as quickly as it had come.“What did you just call me?”
I couldn’t breathe. “Henry, I—”
“No,” he cut me off, stepping back. “No, it’s fine.”
“Wait, please,” I begged, reaching for him, but he pulled away, shaking hishead.
“You don’t need to explain; you already did.” His voice was low and bitter, ashe flailed his arms hopelessly by his side. “No matter what I do, what I say, or who I threa—” Whatever was going to fall out of his mouth halted. He shook his head at me, judgement raking through them. “It’s gonna be him, isn’t it?”
The sting of tears had me brushing at my eyes, wiping away any evidence thatwould tell him he was right.
But I watched him watching me, tracing the small stream of tears that began torun over my cheeks, until he nodded, satisfied with whatever conclusion he’d come to in his mind.
He didn’t wait for me to answer him, my tears did that better than words could anyway. So, without another word, Henry turned and headed back down the leaf lined street we’d walked down, his steps quick, shoulders tense.
And all I could do was stand there and watch, the cold biting at my skin as Iwaited for that realisation that was sitting in the dark corners of my mind to spring to life, sending me down the street after him and confessing that he was who I wanted to trust.
But it was never going to wake up, simply because whatever life it had left in it, whatever feelings I’d feel for Henry once upon a time, faded the second I saw Tristan again tonight.
I closed my eyes, leaning back against the cold brick, hoping it would steadymy racing heart.
I’d wanted to forget about Tristan, to move on, but the harder I tried, themore he slipped back in. The harder I tried to forget his hold on me, the tighter it got.