35. chapter thirty five
chapter thirty five
hold me, adore me, don't leave me
B efore I could blink, a soft curse slipped from Tristans lips, and suddenly his hands were on my face, his touch urgent and trembling. The warmth of his palms against my skin sent sparks down my spine, and just when I thought I might lose myself in the moment, his mouth crashed down onto mine.
The world went quiet.
I hadn't forgotten how right his lips felt against mine, how everything else seemed to fade away when he kissed me. It wasn’t gentle, wasn’t careful—it was raw, desperate, like he was trying to pour everything he couldn’t say into the space between us. My heart pounded in my chest, each beat matching the rhythm of his lips moving against mine.
His hands were firm but tender, like he was afraid I might slip away if he didn’t hold on tight enough. As though he knew this was the last time we ever got to take this chance.
There was an urgency about the way he snuck his hand up my dressand gripped the backs of my thighs, holding me in place. There was a dare about how I let a moan slip through my mouth, praying that the walls were thick enough to disguise it from everyone else in the house.
Anything that I can remember about you for when you’re not hereanymore, I’ll take.
I’ll treasure it.
The words I’d whispered to him rang in my ears, making my handsreach for the shoulder of his jacket and pull at the leather until it pooled on the floor around us.
His touch was slow, almost reverent, something desperate in theway he moved, like he couldn’t stand to let go. He lowered me carefully to the bed, guiding me down until I felt the softness of the sheets beneath me. I barely noticed how the plush layers cradled me, too lost in the way his body hovered over mine, close but not close enough.
Tristan’s hands slid from my back, and before I could catch mybreath, he captured both of my wrists, lifting them above my head and pinning them gently against the sheets. A rush of heat flooded through me, the butterflies in my stomach multiplying and spreading to every corner of my body, setting my skin alight.
And then, just as I was losing myself completely, I felt his knee slipbetween my thighs, parting them with a deliberate slowness, making room for him to settle between. The sensation sent a jolt through me, my stomach plummeting in the most exhilarating way, like I was free-falling and he was the only thing I could hold on to.
This was new. Everything I felt and what was pulsing at the centre of my coreall felt new. But I loved it, and I could tell once this was over I’d be craving it. Thinking about it from the second my eyes cracked open until they fluttered shut at night.
I didn’t want to think about this ending right now, though, especiallyafter what I’d just said to him.
Don’t promise me anything.
But none of this felt like a lie. The way Tristan was gliding his handsdown my arms and gathering the fabric of my dress in his fists, smiling against my lips when he grazed my thighs, didn’t feel like anything other than a promise.
I’m leaving.
I wasn’t ever meant to leave.
All I’ve done is lie to the person I’m falling in love with.
The lines between us were so beyond blurred that I didn’t think Ihad the strength to figure out what words he’d whispered to me were true, and which were the lies he’d been talking about.
I was dragged from my thoughts when I felt his lips lift from mineand the weight of his pretty stare fell on me. I watched him part his mouth, struggling to find the words playing across his face, before he smirked. “I know we should have probably talked about this before I pinned your arms up but… how far do you want this to go, Gold’s?”
A smile dances on my lips, before I softly mutter, “I don’t know. I’venever, really, done anything like this before.”
“You don’t have to do anything you don't want to. Just tell me whatyou want, and I’ll take care of you.” He lifted his hand to cup my jaw. “I made you a promise, remember.”
Your firsts are safe with me.
Although there’d been no hesitation in the dream that I had abouthim all those weeks ago, part of me was still nervous. And even though I had a good idea of the picture we’d paint if we did what I’d dreamt about, I knew that tonight wasn’t the night we’d create it.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t comfortable, or didn’t trust Tristan. I did. Ireally trusted that he’d take care of me. But it was everything else that came into play.
For one, my parents were only a flight of stairs away, and thethought of them hearing or even walking in on that scene would be enough for me to retreat to the forest, live my life off the grid in a moss-covered cabin and spend the rest of my life reading faerie smut.
And two... after confiding with the girls in the weeks after thesex-dream de-brief, I realised that I wanted to take things slow, with everything, but mainly these parts of growing up that I hadn't properly given my time to.
There was so much to consider: birth control, knowing my body wellenough to know what I’d like, and what I’d hate, and finding someone that I trusted with that information as much as I did myself.
I had time to figure those things out now, and I wasn’t going to rushthem. But as I looked back up to Tristan, I knew I trusted him to be the person I ran over that bridge with. The rest… I didn’t know if he’d be by my side to figure it out, but still... I held out hope.
“Not all the way, I know I’m not ready for that but…” I bring myarms back down and set them on his arms, my thumbs skimming the tops of them. “Something… fun.”
“Fun.” He repeated, the word dancing in his eyes. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I want another part of you.” I cupped his jaw. “Do youwant me—”
“Yes.” He blurted, lust dancing in the corners of his eyes. “I really fucking want you another part of you, Marigold.”
All I could do at that moment was smile, clear my mind from all thequestions, and as he studied me, practically undressing me with his stare, I let my arms slowly glide back up to the spot he’d placed them in before, before whispering.
“Take it then.”
I barely had time to sneak a breath before his mouth crashed downonto mine, our tongues mingling and sending butterflies soaring through my body again. I felt his hands travel down me, tickling my skin as his fingertips brushed me, before he leaned up over me and whipped off his shirt, tossing it to the floor behind him.
I’d always tried to guess what other hidden secrets lay beyond thetattoos that lived on his arms, and his hands, and for the split second I got to trace the ink that travelled across his torso, dipping between the valleys of his abs, I found several pieces that I wanted to trace with my finger while he told me what they meant.
Another day. Maybe.
The feel of his bare skin against me was otherworldly, and it was awonder I’d gone this long without getting to experience this feeling before. I felt closer to him than I’d ever felt with anyone before.
His hands carried on gathering my dress, the pools of white fabricthat gathered between my thighs, and began to tug it off me.
“Arms up, darlin.” He purred, the sound and instruction making meshiver, and the space between my legs throb so hard that I began to question if feeling this much was normal.
I had to bite my lip and flutter my eyes closed as he slipped thedress off me, tugging effortlessly at the fabric until I was lying before him in nothing but my baby yellow bra and panties. My stomach flipped as his eyes raked over me, my eyes dipping once I heard his belt buckle loosen and sending my head into orbit over what was about to happen.
He was careful as he stripped down to his boxers, slow and steady, like he wastrying not to spook me. The black fabric was tight against the bulge that I was sure would spur on a heart attack if I stared at it for long enough.
“Oi,” he chuckled, my eyes trailing up his torso until I met hisplayful eyes. “One step at a time, Sunshine.” He leaned his body down until his was inches from my mouth, and without wasting another second, his lips were back on mine, as wild as they were before.
I let my hands travel over his back, and he switched out my lips forthe tender skin of my neck, my nails raking over his muscles that I could feel twitching. He dropped his body slightly, lying just to the side of me, letting his hands trace my collar bones, then my chest, travelling over my aching breast and all the way down my stomach.
And I knew even before this moment that Tristan made me feelseen, but this was another level of seen that I didn’t think could compare to anything else.
I gasped, my breath being stolen once more as I felt hisfinger reach the waistband of my panties.
His smile was equal parts comforting as it was wicked, in every waypossible. Probably because he had a more than good idea of what his touch was doing to me. His arm snaked under my neck, giving me a perfect view of what he was doing. I let my hand cup my bra as I watched him, his eyes flicking from me.
“Tell me what you like, Gold’s.” He kissed my neck again. “I want to make this comfortable for you.”
I don’t think I’ve ever been more comfortable in my life.
“Oh,’ I sighed, bringing my hand down my stomach, until it passed his and lingered, before I dipped underneath the yellow fabric hiding me. “I like this,” I think I imagined saying those words for a moment, before I watched his eyes follow my finger as I began to circle, relieving some of the ache that lived there.
I can’t help but drop his gaze and roll my head back, basking in the tingles that took over my body.
“And sometimes I’ll do this, depending on how tired I am.” Thewords sigh out of me, as my middle and index fingers slip between the valleys of me and slowly sink inside—that familiar pleasure that pulses through me every time I do this hitting with twice its usual impact.
Maybe it’s because Tristan Harper is between your legs, Marigold.
“Okay,” He whispers, his breath hitting cheeks. “Would you likeme to take over?”
I nod at him, my eyes still half closed. “Please.” I sigh, before bringing my hands backup to cup my breasts, my eyes trained on Tristan as he picks ups where I left off.
And for a moment, I got to lay back and wonder how on earth thisfelt so good this with feel with someone else's fingers but my own. I could feel myself unravelling beneath him, my body responding to him in ways I’d only imagined but never quite understood until now.
This wasn’t just physical; it was a slow burn that had been buildingbetween us for longer than I cared to admit, and now, every nerve in my body felt like it was on fire. The way his hands claimed me, knowing exactly where to linger, where to tease—it was everything I didn’t know I needed, and it was more than I was prepared for.
His touch was delicate as he slipped his finger, then another,between the base of my panties, my head felt like it was about to explode as I let him touch me. I was sure I was about to draw blood from how hard I was biting my lip.
Like he could read my mind, his mouth met mine again, easing thetension that was dripping off me, before I felt him glide his finger to the wettest part of me. I loved the way his smile creased against our mouths, before I sucked in a breath, and one of his fingers thrust into me gently.
My head fell back as my world was filled with stars, twinkling in thecorners of my eyes and flooding my vision. The sheets cradled me as Tristan pulsed his finger, the pain blooming inside only lessening the more he went on. A strained groan left my mouth, the noise echoing off the walls, causing Tristan to softly close his hand over my mouth.
He leant his mouth next to my ear, kissing the lobe softly before hewhispered. “As much as those noises turn me on, Golds, someone’s going to catch us if you carry on.”
I could practically hear the smile in his words.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed, as quietly as I could without the thought ofwhat he was still doing to me entering my train of thought. “It just feels... this feels so fucking good.”
His accent rumbled through his words as he muttered, “And sincewhen did you have such a dirty mouth?”
I felt him throb against my side when I purred back, “I’m inclined toblame you.”
His gentle caresses went then, as he slipped another finger into meand picked up his pace, his hand hovering over my mouth to keep in the wanted groans I so desperately wanted to scream.
My core was a raging fire as I bucked underneath his touch. I heardanother curse grunt out of his mouth as he swept his eyes over me, before letting his head fall back, like watching me come undone for the first time was enough for him to feel what I was feeling.
I so badly wanted to call out his name, to let my voice bounce offevery corner of the room until it shook the snow from the window ledge and snuffed out the candles. But instead, Tristan crashed his mouth down onto mine, my moans getting lost between us. His other hand gripped the side of my face, while mine continued to rake down his back, holding on for dear life like I was about to fall off the earth.
And some part of me hoped that he’d fall with me.
He could tell me he was leaving a million times, and I was sure thatthe pain coating his voice while he said it wouldn’t lessen, wouldn’t disappear. I was his at this moment, and he was mine. Nothing was tearing us apart.
Nothing.
Tristan let his thumb circle the part of me that throbbed, easingthe pain and welcoming the pleasure like a tidal wave, washing over my half-naked body. I felt as though the house was on fire, my skin slick with flames, as something began to nip at the base of my spine, like a lightning bolt defying the laws of science and striking in the same place more than once.
The sensation was building, and from the look in Tristan’s eyes, ashe pulled his mouth away from me, I could tell he knew I was close too.
“That’s it, baby. You’ve got it.” He purred softly, his fingers notaltering their pace, dragging me into a state of bliss I’d only achieved on my own.
I knew in this moment that my efforts would never compare to his.
They’d never be able to make me feel the way Tristan is right now.
I rode the wave that was carrying me, keeping as still as possible soI could let myself feel every ounce of this orgasm so I’d never forget it, until I went underwater, drowning in bliss and screaming Tristan’s name under the waves so no one would hear me.
My head sank into the sheets as the euphoric feeling drenched me.
My world was all stars, triple the ones that had invaded my line of sight before, and it was magical. Every part of it. Until I looked at Tristan, and suddenly that magic didn’t compare to the kind that lived in his eyes as he watched me, feeling the effects of his body, his heart, his words.
I felt him lean down against me as he lowered a kiss onto my mouth,softer than the ones we’d just shared, before he cupped my face and stroked his thumb across my red cheeks. “Wait here,” he said softly, before he leapt out of bed and headed for the other side of the room, pulling open a door that I guessed led to the en suite.
For those few seconds, as I sank into the soft sheets beneath me, I found myself wondering how, after everything, I could feel so free. It was as if the rules and scripture of my life had never existed, and all that mattered was the here and now—the warmth of the moment, the way his touch lingered on my skin, the way my heart felt full, how it always felt these days.
For once, I wasn’t haunted by thoughts of being tied down to a future that was never mine, or the fear that everything would come crashing down onto me. All that mattered was the happiness that wrapped around me—so real it felt almost fragile. In this moment, I was completely and utterly in love with the way my life felt like it belonged to me.
Finally.
He was back out a moment later, striding over to me, still wearingnothing but black briefs that did nothing to hide him, and a washcloth in his hands. He climbed back onto the bed, and when he dabbed the cloth over where he’d touched me, I was instantly soothed, the heat only making me sink further into the bed.
“Are you okay?” Tristan asked, earning him my stare.
He’s always been beautiful, kind of annoyingly effortlessly, to behonest, but right now, I’d argue that he was beautiful without even having to take in how he looked.
I nodded at him, my smile barely contained. “More than okay, thankyou.”
We took each other in for a moment, tracing the smile lines thatlived on each others faces, until our eyes found each other again.
But the longer they clung onto each other, the quicker I forgot thegrateful state I was just in, the longer the facade that hid reality slipped away, only leaving the bare, hard truth.
He was leaving.
I was staying.
And there was nothing I could do about that.
Last chance. While you can still decide your future.
I cupped my hand around his jaw as he hung over me, and before hecould shut me down, I whispered, “Please stay.”
The words felt like razor blades as they left me, the pain I felt forus coating every letter.
I watched as tears shimmered at the edge of his lashes, somethingabout it cracking my heart. His bottom lip trembled, his eyes clinging to mine with a fierce intensity, until finally, his head dropped, the weight of the moment pressing down on him like a burden too heavy to carry.
The silence was the loudest thing I’d ever heard, but it didn’t stopmy thoughts from running wild with all the reasons that he wanted to leave so badly. But no matter what path I trekked in my mind, the answer was always me.
Without thinking, I sat upright, swinging my legs off the other sideof the bed and began searching for my dress. Tristan didn’t say anything as I did; all he did was rise on his knees and slouch into the sheets where I was just lying. I found my dress in a puddle on the floor and threw the damn thing on, trying my hardest not to let my tears fall until I was alone.
I made a beeline for the door handle, twisting it open and resistingthe urge to slam it shut as I emerged into the hallway—
“Goldie?”
I recognised my sister's voice as I crashed into her, my eyes straining up to meether as she stared down at me.
And that single second of eye contact was all it took for the strength to drainfrom my body, and the tears sob out as quietly as they could.