36. chapter thirty six
chapter thirty six
trauma dumps on the tree swings
I waited about ten minutes after Goldie left, long enough for the muffled sound of her crying outside my door to fade with her steps down the hall. But even after the house fell silent, her sobs clung to me, haunting the space between my ears. I tried burying myself under pillows, tried shutting it all out, but nothing worked.
Eventually, the weight of it—of her pain—forced me to move. I slipped out of bed, careful not to make a sound, and when the house was finally still, I crept out the front door, hoping the cool night air could quiet my mind where everything else had failed.
The warm light from the house spilled out onto the thick snow thatblanketed the front garden and provided me with just enough light to make out the big oak tree that sat at the end of their drive, the snowflake-covered rope of the two swings unmissable.
I crunched my way over, the evening breeze sending a shiverthrough me as I reached the swigs and dusted the snow off one of the seats before claiming it.
And only then did I feel the weight of what I’d done.
I’d decided I was leaving the second Goldie left that night after the hospital; the second the door closed and my body collapsed. I knew I couldn’t stay here a moment longer, pretending to be something I wasn’t.
Pretending to be the person she thought she was happy enough to bring home.
I couldn’t stay here and wreck things for her. I couldn’t stay her and be theasteroid that I’d always been. She didn’t deserve to deal with that kind of wreckage, and I didn’t think I had the power to stop myself from becoming it.
She made me careless, and that scared me more than anything.
I shook my head then, letting out a humorless laugh. “Fuckin liar.” Imuttered to myself.
Deep in the caverns of my mind, I knew that was a lie. I knew theonly thing that scared me was never seeing this girl again. But what choice did I have?If I left, on my own terms, I’d be back in the one place I wanted toescape, without her, without my friends… but with all the security of my future intact.
But what good is your future if she isn’t a part of it?
It didn’t matter. This ending was less destructive. For both of ourhearts.
I let my head fall into my hands, the pounding in my skull becoming unbearable, drowning out everything else until—
A sharp crack echoed behind me. My head snapped up, heart instantly hammering against my chest. Panic surged, my mind racing, until my eyes landed on Nate standing a few feet away, looking just as startled as I felt.
“Sorry, sorry,” he blurted out, hands raised defensively. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I let out a breath, the adrenaline still surging. “Well, don’t fucking creep up on me then?” I spat, the words laced with frustration I hadn’t meant to aim at him.
The moment they left my mouth, I regretted them. I squeezed my eyes shut, letting out a long exhale before meeting his gaze again. “Sorry,” I mumbled, softer now, feeling the weight of my own tension in every word.
Nate shrugged as he claimed the swing next to me. “It’s fine, don’tworry.” He kicks the snow lightly as he sways in the breeze, covering his boots, the soft sounds, and that of a distant owl, the only ones floating between us.
“What happened?” Nate asked, his tone casual, like he already knew the storm brewing in my mind. I glanced at him, trying to steady myself, but before I could deflect, he beat me to it. “I saw her with Addy.”
My chest tightened, the image of Goldie crying into her sister’s arms flashing through my head, ripping me apart inside.
“It’s nothing,” I lied, my voice flat as I kicked at the snow, trying to bury the truth along with it.
Nate let out a soft laugh, one that tugged my attention back to him. “I’ve known that girl since she was three,” he said, his eyes sharper now, cutting through my bullshit. “I’ve seen her hide her feelings over big things, man. She wouldn’t cry like that if it was nothing.”
Something stabbed at my heart; the shooting pains made me rest my elbows onmy knees and let my gaze get lost amongst the snow. I ran a hand through my hair while I tried to think of anything else rather than the mental image of Goldie crying, all because of me.
“So, what happened?” Nate pressed, his voice cutting through the cold air.
I shrugged, feeling the weight of everything I’d been holding in start to melt away. “It’s because I can’t stay here.”
“She’s sad that you’re leaving?” he asked, his tone gentle but probing.
I looked at him, feeling the ache settle deep in my chest. “She’s sad because I won’t stay,” I corrected, the words bitter in my mouth. I took a shaky breath. “I want to stay... God, do I want to stay. But... staying means telling her the truth, and I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
Nate studied me, his gaze steady and understanding. After a moment, he huffed. “I’m sensing this isn’t a conversation for tree swings.”
I shook my head, a weak smile ghosting my lips.
“Tell me,” he blurted, surprising me. He shrugged casually. “Tell me, and I’ll tell you if she can handle it.” His eyes flicked toward the house, as if imagining her there. “But I’m pretty sure there’s not much that could rattle that girl.”
I followed his line of sight and thought of her, her smile, and withinseconds I was smiling too.
I let my head drop before I sucked in a breath, readying myself toblurt out the thing that I’d been swallowing down for too long now.
Here goes nothing.
“The whole reason I’m at Liberty Grove is because I overdosed, after gettinginto some shit habits when my music was taking off, and one night, the people I took the drugs with stuffed me into a car outside some club, robbed me, and dumped me in the middle of Clapham, only for an off-duty paramedic to find me and get me rushed to hospital.”
The weight of those words hung in the air between us, heavy andraw, and for a moment, all I could do was listen to myself.
You're okay.
Keep going.
It'll only hurt less the more you keep talking.
“I’d gone too far, and I was in a situationthat I didn’t know how to handle. So, once I’d recovered and was back home, me and my parents decided it was time to change. And change, we decided, meant school, ideally somewhere far away from London and with people who hadn’t heard of me or couldn’t know about why I was really there.”
“I’d heard of Liberty Grove in passing, and New York had always been a placeI could see myself existing in. We came here a lot when I was a kid so… it made sense.” I watched Nate nod, his eyes not leaving mine for a second. "But when my music finally took off after years of struggle—being called names and told I’d never amount to anything—people were actually listening. Really listening. Studying was the last thing on my mind.”
“Suddenly, I was seeing London like I never had before. I was being invited toevents and parties and mixing with people I’d only even seen online. But things got out of control quickly, I wanted to impress people, people who didn’t even deserve my attention, but… it happened.”
“After I'd recovered, my parents and I spoke to my label, and my manager, and theyagreed I could take some time to clear my head, so long as it didn’t get out to the press. So when I got here, I thought that pretending I didn’t want to be here, pretending that my parents were making me come here would be a sure way to throw people away from the truth.”
I looked back up at the house, the fiery glow from inside reminding me of her.
“And then Goldie walked into my life, and the more I tried to ignore how I felt about her, the more I was proved wrong.”
My gaze fell back to Nate, who had a look in his eye that told me that he knewexactly how it felt to be head over heels for a Moore girl.
Before I continued, my thoughts drifted back to that night at the observatory.
“She opened up about why she was at Liberty, and from that moment, it felt like the lies started piling up,” I confessed, shaking my head in frustration. “She confided in me, believing she’d found someone who understood pushy parents, but the truth was, I had no idea what she’d really been through to get here.”
A wave of guilt washed over me as I spoke, my voice thick with emotion.
“I’d never felt so guilty in my life. But I couldn’t let her find out. I couldn’t bear the thought of her seeing me as that person—the person I used to be. Not after I’d fought so hard to bury him, not after I wanted him to die that night. I wanted that version of me to stay dead.”
I didn’t want the way she looked at me to change.
I took a deep breath, letting down the shields around my heart as I gazed up at the house. “And having her find out? I didn’t want to see her heart break right before me.”
We sat in silence for a minute or two, my heartbeat calming and my thoughts beginning to clear, before I felt Nate shuffle around to face me, still idly swinging. “Are you falling for her?”
My gaze snapped back to Nate in an instant.
I think I fell for Goldie the moment I laid eyes on her. But it went deeper than that. I fell in love with what she embodied, her resilience. With every brick the world threw at her, she used it to rebuild her castle, overlooking the fields of her future that she knew shone brighter than anything anyone else had planned for her. I loved the starlight in her eyes and how she saw me for the person I desperately wanted to become. I loved how easy it felt to be that guy around her.
“Have you told her?” Nate asked, his tone light yet probing.
I shrugged, trying to hide my knowing smile. “I didn’t say anything.”
Nate huffed a laugh. “You didn’t have to, dude.”
I didn’t say anything for a moment, letting the weight of what he’d said sink inand hit me. I suppose it was probably obvious to anyone who looked hard enough. All Finn or Cora or anyone had to do was notice the way I couldn’t keep my eyes off her when we were together for them to know that there was more than something there.
My mind recalled the way Goldie’s eyes widened when I toldher earlier. The way I felt her breath skate across my skin as she caught it. How her smile lines creased as my words sank in.
I’m falling in love with you, Marigold.
“A little advice,” Nate blurted, stealing my attention from the snowby my feet. “Don’t wait another second to tell her what you just told me.” His eyes dropped to the snow for a second, something that felt like guilt glazing over his eyes, before latching them back onto me. “Take it from someone who waited far too long to tell the girl he loved the truth, too long that it almost ruined his chances of ever being back in her life.”
I looked over to the house, my finger following my line of sight as I lookedback over to Nate. “What, you and Addy?” Nate nodded. “What happened?”
Nate huffed a laugh. “It’s a long story.” He shook his head. “But the point isthat finally telling her the truth is the reason we’re here right now, together.” he shrugged. “And it sucked for a while, while she let it all sink in, but I’d do it a thousand times over if it meant she came back to me.”
Thinking about telling her was a whole lot easier than it would be to actuallytell her. Thinking about her being okay with it, being okay with me pretending I was like her and understanding her just to find out that it was all lies was easier than it was to imagine her angry.
Nate shuffled beside me, his deamour stronger. “What are youafraid of, Tristan?”
I looked over at Nate, emotion bulging at my lash line. “I’m afraid…”
I choked the words out. “I’m afraid that whatever she thinks she feels for me will leave. That she’ll look at me like my Mum did the night they found me in the hospital bed; like she didn’t even recognise me.”
The tear that slipped down my face felt frozen, but I didn’t swat it away. “I’mafraid she’ll see me the way I see myself when I’m without her— a waste of space who will never, ever, amount to all the goodness that she is so naturally.” I let my head fall as I sobbed. “I’m the asteroid, and she’s the star. We’re doomed.”
Nate left me for a moment, letting the natural sounds of the Montanawilderness be the elevator music to our pause, before I heard the snow beside him shuffle, and his shadow fell over me as his hand rested on my trembling shoulders.
“You aren’t doomed, Tristan.” The ache in my neck screamed at me as I peeredup at him. “If the way that girl was looking at you tonight, if what she said at the table earlier proves anything, then you two are not doomed. You’re destined.”
I wanted to believe him.
I wanted to see his words as the truth but… how could I?
“Hey,” His voice pulled me out of my head, and as I let my eyes meet his, hesaid, “You aren’t going to find whatever it is you’re searching for in your head, all you’ll get is lost.”
And I didn’t want to be a Lost Boy.
Not anymore.
I shuffled above the wooden swing, wiping away at the tears that were close tofreezing. “How do I tell her?”
“Just talk to her.” He nods his chin at me. “I’ve known Goldiepractically all her life, and I can tell you there is not a vengeful bone in her body.” His hand clapped my shoulder. “She’ll hear you out.”
I tore my gaze away from Nate and shifted it back to the house,silently wishing on every star that hung above us for the one by the fire inside to hear me. Like I said, what good was my future if she wasn’t in it? Every time I tried to envision a reality where I’d kept my lies hidden and lost her in the struggle, all I could see was darkness—cold, empty voids that suffocated me.
I didn’t want the shadows anymore.
I wanted her. Her light.
“Okay…” I breathed, my knees cracking as I stood. “Okay, I’m gonna do it.”
Nate’s smile widened as he stood too. “Let’s get you back in.”
He clapped me on the back as we made the walk back to the house, the lilacsunset completely gone from the sky and replaced by midnight blue and black fusion. The lights were still on in the house, the amber lights dying the snow that sat by the windows the same colour.
I prayed that the twinkle from the stars was all the confirmation I needed thatshe’d let me tell her, that she’d let me near her long enough for the truth to fall out, and part of me believed it so much that I picked my steps, taking me a few paces ahead of Nate and under the cover of the porch.
I tapped the snow off my boots, Nate doing the same as he caught up with me,before we headed for the front door and back into the warmth of the house.
The hinges didn’t creak as we opened it, or if they did there was no way for usto hear them over the yelling we could hear coming from the hallway. The deep calls only got louder as we sank into the house, and before we could look at each other and guess what was happening, Goldie’s dad came from inside the dining room, her mom, Addy and Goldie right on his heels and telling him to stop.
He was bright red, his knuckles white from how tightly he was gripping hisphone, and if it was possible for steam to erupt from a person, I’m sure it would have as his eyes fell on me, darkening like a great white who’d caught a whiff of blood.
He began charging toward me then, and my heart began to hammer against mychest with each stride he made. Nate barely stepped in front of me before he reached me, pushing the phone at my chest and spitting at me, “Is this true?”
“What?” I stuttered, too overwhelmed and confused to make sense of anything.
He pushed the phone at me again. “This. Is this true, you little asshole?”
“James,” Nate warned, stepping further between the two of us.
“I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to this fucker right here.” James boomed,ignoring the wails from Betty coming from behind him.
“Dad, stop it!” Goldie cried, and I swear I felt my heart chip as it echoed in myears.
My eyes bolted for her and my heart cracked again as I trailed the tears thatwere streaming down her face, my mind a mess over what could have been happening to cause it.
“Read it!” James screamed down at me, practically shaking the walls.
My hands scrambled to grip the phone properly, the adrenaline coursing throughmy hands and pulsing in my finger tips. I nearly dropped it as the screen lit up my face, and as I focused my eyes, I nearly did, but only because of what was written across the screen.
Singer of Chart-Topping Hit ‘Neverland’ Tristan Harper Reportedly Survives Near-Fatal Overdose
Tristan Harper, the artist behind the chart-topping single “Neverland,” is said to have survived a life-threatening overdose that led him to seek refuge in the United States.
Sources reveal that Harper’s overdose stemmed from a spiral of bad habits, fueled by the pressures of newfound fame and the lifestyle that often accompanies it.
As of now, neither Harper nor his team has issued a statement regarding the incident, leaving fans and the public in the dark about his current condition and future plans.