38. chapter thirty eight
chapter thirty eight
facing the board setting myself on fire
W e stayed out that night until the snow was nipping at ourfingers and turning the ends of them blue, but it was more than enough time for me to tell her everything.
And I mean everything.
I opened up to her about that morning—when I realised my life was changing with my music. How it felt like I’d stepped into a different world overnight, and my dreams were suddenly becoming reality, one after the other.
I told her how, instead of the excitement I should have been feeling, I panicked. Social interaction? That was something I hadn’t had much experience with. And now, I was expected to thrive in it. It felt like I’d been abandoned in the middle of the Atlantic, alone and confused. So, like anyone lost, I latched onto the first people who seemed to know where they were going. I told her about Andreas, Jemyma, and even Frosted Tips. How, in those first few weeks, it felt like they were my guides, my map to their world.
I told her about the drugs—how they first persuaded me to try them. How, in the beginning, it seemed like some sort of initiation, a way to prove I belonged in their world. A world I thought I needed to be part of. I wanted their approval; I wanted what I'd never had, so I went along with it.
But then, eventually, they just stopped caring. It was as if I’d served my purpose. Get me hooked, and then abandon me. Just like that. Forget I ever existed and leave me in Clapham, no better than dead.
I told her about the hospital and the looks on my parents' faces when they walked in the room, which was when she asked whether that was why I’d freaked out so much when we went to see Finn.
“It was a trauma response; that was what those textbooks forEtoille’s class said it was, anyway.”
That was what I told her when she asked me if I was okay, thinking back to it.
I told her about the agreement with the label, that I could have myspace away from London so long as I carried on working on my music, and not a word of this got out to the press. I told her about what my game plan was going into Liberty, that if Iacted as though being here was the last thing I wanted to do, it wouldn’t make people ask questions about why I was here.
“Well, it worked.” She laughed, as she kept her eyes on the stars. “But I get it,” That was when I felt her eyes on me, and I put my attention on her. “I get why you wanted to keep it a secret, and I won’t ever hold that against you, Tristan.” Her smile made me smile. “So thank you… for telling me.”
The only thing we didn’t talk about what how this had even gottenout in the first place. But I didn’t want to burden her with that. I knew who had done it, and I didn’t want to give them any more attention than that.
I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I remembered that, as Ipictured her in my head as I drove through the streets of New York, which were only getting more familiar by the day. But the realisation that I was memorising the street names and awkward corners I had to make down the lanes felt bittersweet once I remembered that I might not need to anymore.
The label contacted me and my parents as soon as the news got outand scheduled a meeting in their Manhattan office to discuss the situation. Dad called me afterwards and assured me that it was just a precaution, and that everything should be fine, but I had a hard time believing it.
Like I said to Goldie, I could have my time, I could have my space, as long as Iput effort into the songs and my secret stayed a secret. And while I was putting every spare minute I had into working on the album and polishing the concept, I’d managed to let down the one part of that deal that I so badly wanted to hold onto.
The familiar hammering of my heartbeat began to thump in my chest the moreI overthought this, so for the rest of the drive down to the offices, I let the demo tracks I’d recorded for the album distract me enough to slow it down. In no time, I was handing me keys over to the man on the valet and walkingthrough the glass doors. The label's logo made my stomach flip when I saw it, partly because I still couldn’t believe I’d signed with such a big label, and partly because I didn’t know what was waiting for me once I got into the lifts and faced my fate.
I felt the tingles start to trickle up my spine the higher the lift climbed, thecalmness that my songs had brought before fading with every floor light that lit up. The doors pinged open and I stole a breath before daring a step into the hallway. The navy carpet dragged under my feet as I made my way towards adesk, my legs shaking as I reached it.
The lady at the desk looked up at me with a smile, her eyes wrinkled. “How can I help you, Sir?”
I pulled my lips tight. “Tristan Harper, I’m here to see Cade Brown.”
“Ahh yes,” She looked down at the computer in front of her beforemeeting my stare. “If you head for the conference room down the hall, Mr. Brown and the board are ready for you.”
The board.
Oh fuck.
I nodded down at her. “Okay… thank you.” My voice was shaky,understandably so now that I knew that it wasn’t just the one-on-one Cade had told me it would be.
My steps turned hasty as I walked towards the room, the frostedglass walls doing nothing to stop the shadowy body of people from being visible. I squeezed my eyes closed before sucking in a breath, releasing it just before I brought my shaky hand to the door knob.And for someone who has had nearly ten thousand people stare back atthem whilst on stage, I was ungodly nervous about walking in to find twenty authority heads staring back at me.
I suddenly felt the weight of the entire room on my chest, pressing down on meand making my breath that much harder to catch.
Cade was the first one to sit up straighter as he saw me, before clearing histhroat and not cracking a hint of a smile I was so used to seeing on his face. “Ah, Tristan, thank you for stopping by.” His classic cockney accent was calm, calmer than I expected for such a meeting.
I lifted my hand and jilted my head. “It’s not a problem, Cade.”
All eyes were back on Cade as he gestured to the empty chair to the right ofhim. “Please, take a seat and we’ll get started with the meeting.”
I asked myself what the point of sitting down was to hear what I knew wasabout to come out of his mouth, but I still walked around the table, ignoring the glances from the people I’d never seen before in my life, and ignoring the fact that I knew they already had a perception of me from what had been circulating this week.
I rolled out the chair and set myself down on it, before looking over at Cade,who clapped his hands together. “Look, Tristan, I don’t want to sugarcoat this because you’re not a child; you know the score.” He rested his elbows on the table as he pointed around the room with his head. “The board and I ‘ave had time to discuss the appropriate cause of action regarding this circus that’s going on, and you knew what would happen if this ever got out.” He dropped his head, sucking in a breath, before meeting my stare. “We’re puttin' a pause on the album, Tristan.”
I shook my head, as it felt like the building was crumbling from underneath me.“Cade, please, just let me—”
“It’s been decided, mate.” Defeat coated his words. “We can’t risk puttingsomething out there with this going on. Sales will be affected, promotional offers will dry up, and if there’s no fire behind something, then it’ll never take off. You know this, Tristan, this was always the plan if this happened.”
“Cade,” I pleaded. “Just give me some time and...” I dropped my head in myhands, easing the way I could feel myself welling up, before whipping it back to face him. “The album has helped me; knowing that I have something to work towards has helped me get through all this. If I don’t have this then—”
“It’s not a no, Tristan. We love what you bring to the table, and we want towork with you... just not at this moment in time. Not while this is all the world is talking about when they see you.”
I nodded; even though I didn’t want to, I did. “I understand.” I looked aroundthe room, soaking up the disappointing looks before I looked back at Cade. “I’m sorry, for what it’s worth.”
“It’s not your fault, Tristan. But these things have a funny way ofgetting out.” He clapped me on the back as we all stood up. “I’ll see how you’re doing after the holidays and we’ll pick this back up then, okay?”
I nodded, my voice shying away.
“I’ll show you out.”
I drove past the Liberty Grove building as I left, my heart sinking for thethousandth time today when I saw that the crowds and the cameras hadn’t died down since this morning. It was the same as I flew past my dorm building—the same crowd of paps, the same looming cameras positioned in front of the doors.
The guilt continued to eat away at me as I latched my eyes onto the crowd,shredding at whatever it could when I realised that this was all my fault. Luckily, Dad had helped me to secure an apartment for the week for me, Jesse, and Finn, as a way of saying sorry that they couldn’t even get home in peace, let alone leave for classes without being heckled.
They reached out to me the second they heard the news, asking how I was, howGold’s was, and starting to speculate on how this had even happened.
But I couldn’t tell them that story in the confinement of our group chat, so I waited until I was back.
I’d met up with them yesterday morning, when I flew back from Montana aftereverything had died down with Goldie’s dad. He apologised in the end, for snapping, and I told him that I’d do the same if that type of story was leaked about the guy my daughter was dating, but from what Nate told me, when he texted me after I landed, was that Goldie didn’t let him off as easily as I did. And neither did Addy.
But the boys were just the same as we unloaded our things into the apartmentand crashed down onto the couches. We talked, I came clean about everything, and all they were was supportive, reassuring me that they’d do everything they could to support me whilst I was here.
And after I’d welled up and cried in front of them, we then got onto the subjectof how this had even gotten out. But they didn’t need to guess for long, not when I knew exactly who’d let this secret go.
I think I’ll remember the looks on their faces for the rest of my life when Ilooked at them and said, “Sommerford.”