39. chapter thirty nine
chapter thirty nine
it's too late for you to pretend to save me now
I press the record button on my phone, and lower my voice into awhisper.
“It’s simple, once you break it down; without the capability to fall inlove, there wouldn’t be life. There would be no compassion, no altruism. There wouldn’t be any purpose, or courtesy, or value for the people we surround ourselves with and the environment we exist in.”
I lean my body back and rest my spine on the ridges of the chair, asmy eyes trace the details of the paintings that live on the dome ceiling of the library. “Whether we know it or not, we’re all born with the ability to fall in love; it just depends on the lives we lead or get led into whether we get to use it. And that is why I believe, along with my findings, that falling in love is one of the easiest things our minds can do, but it all depends on the ways we are shown how easy it can be.”
My head fell forward as those final words left my mouth, my hairfalling past my shoulders and skimming the table as I raked my hands through the strands.
I’d been putting off finishing this case study for a while now, purelybecause I couldn’t find a spare part of my brain to do the research. But when I came back to the papers and the notes I’d made throughout my sporadic study sessions, I used what I could of my time here over these past few months to show just how true my findings were.
Falling in love was easy when you saw it happening. Falling in love wasfine if you had the time to learn what made your heart beat faster and what made it simmer. But growing up, being rushed into life and having barely any time to myself... I didn’t know if I was falling in love in the right way. I didn’t know the rules. I didn’t know if I was falling into too many different kinds of love, and whether I had to give some up to carry on.
But even now, I could feel how much room there was in my heart.
Now that I knew what made my pulse thump louder, I knew the love I had for my friends, my sister, Tristan, and my life here were all right.
There were no rules for true love other than to trust it.
I blew out a breath as I gathered my papers, the highlighted words in pastelcolours looking more vibrant in the light glow of this section of the library. I knew I’d favour this seat for the next four years, directly in the centre of the room, under the skylight of the dome and surrounded by pretty words, bound in covers that were even prettier.
After admiring the room and letting my thoughts wander, I went back topacking away my things, when I heard footsteps tapping against the wooden floor, nearing closer until I turned around to see who it was.
I was met with freshly tousled blonde hair and blue eyes that made mebreathless once upon a time, but now I barely felt a thing.
I threw a small, meaningless smile on my face as I looked up at him before looking back at my notes. “Hello,Henry.”
“Hey,” he chirped. “Classes don’t start until Monday and you’realready back in here?” He asked, that charming tone entwined around his words.
I huffed a laugh, busying myself by highlighting something. “Ha, yeah. I’d put off finishingthe case study, so I thought, why not? Whilst it’s quiet.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him as he claimed the chair oppositeme, lounging back and folding his arms around his light blue sweater, one with the Liberty Grove logo written across the chest. I could feel his eyes on me, tracing something, but I carried on clearing my things and closing my laptop, trying my best to ignore the awkwardness that was floating between us.
He didn’t reply to the apology message I’d sent him that night after the Lionsgame. I tried my best to not feel guilty about it, but there was still a vine or two of it that wrapped around my heart and squeezed at it gently.
And when I finally lifted my head, met his eyes and sank into the ocean that lived in them, I couldn’tstop my mouth as it opened. “I’m sorry for what I called you—”
“It’s fine, Goldie—”
“No… I’m sorry.” I insisted. “It was rude of me.”
He shook his head, his dimples deepening as he smiled. “It’s fine. I didn’t comehere to chase you up on that, anyway.”
I let my hands wander to the tips of my hair. “Really?”
He nodded. “I actually wanted to ask you how you were... after everything?”
My brows knitted. “Everything?”
Henry shrugged, still lounging in the chair. “C’mon Goldie. Tristan, the news,the fact that he lied to all of us—”
“Oh, yeah.” I looked at him. “But I’m fine; not that there would beanything wrong with me anyway, but I’m fine.”
His smile worried me. “Well, that’s good.” He peeled his spine from the backof the chair, resting his forearms along the table. “And for what it’s worth, I think we can both agree that you’re better off without someone like that, someone who wanted to hide something like that.”
As if all the energy had drained from my body, I let my shoulderssink, a laugh that held not an ounce of humour falling from my mouth. I flexed my hands. “I swear, if one more person tells me what they think is best for me, I’m going to scream,” I mumbled to myself, but when I stared at Henry, I knew he’d heard me. “You barely know me, Henry, so excuse me if I ignore what’s just left your mouth, and I’ll be heading out if that’s okay with you.”
He shuffled his chair back and stood up, the scraping sound echoingaround the room. “Goldie, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I nodded at him. “You must just have a natural talent for it, then.” I dropped mypapers back on the table, the soft thud echoing. “Look, I’m sorry if I led you on or made you think I wanted something more with you. I did, at one point, but Tristan…”
I couldn’t put into words how perfect he was for me.
Henry started to pace towards me, his hands hanging by his side. “Ijust don’t get it. He’s a dick, and he’s entitled, and if it wasn’t clear from what the news said, he’s a bad influence, Goldie.”
I shook my head. “Why does everyone who barely spends time with him thinkhe’s a bad person? I just wish that everyone would stop judging him and see him for what he is.”
“What he is, Goldie, is a bad person.” Henry stepped closer, his shadowlooming over me. “And the only thing he was ever good for was getting me closer to you.”
I pulled my head back. “What do you mean?”
His shoulders lifted, as a smile spread across his smug face. “Let’s just say that,if he hadn’t followed you home like a stray, his secret would still be a secret.”
I watched as the blue in his eyes shifted from the baby kind to anavy, like I was floating in that part of the atmosphere where the sky met space. And when things should have started making sense, I was only filled with more questions.
I shook my head as I backed away from him. “It was you?”
Henry didn’t react; all he did was let his shadow hang over me. “We had a deal;I’d keep his dirty little secret if he stayed away from you, made you think I was what you needed, and sent you in my direction. And I thought he’d grown some brain cells when you asked if I was going to the Lions game, that he’d listened, that was until I’d heard he went home with you to play boyfriend.”
Finally, things were clearing in my head.
The week before I caved and asked out Henry, Tristan had barelyspoken to me... to anyone for that matter. And if he’d had this hanging over his head, then I’m not surprised in the slightest that he needed space. But Tristan never spoke to me about Henry, or tried to make me think that he was the guy I should have been crushing on.
He left me alone instead of lying to me about what a nice guy Henry was. He’dtold me weeks before that what an asshole he was, so the fact he didn’t push me towards him... it only confirmed in my head that his heart was nothing but pure gold.
I lifted my eyes to reach Henry, that smug smile plastered on his face. “Tristanis ten times the man you’ll ever be. Do you want to know why?”
His lip curled as he nodded his chin at me. “Enlighten me.”
I shook my head as I dared a step towards him. “Because he knows he’s mademistakes, and he knows that he hasn’t always made the right decision. He has humility, Henry. But you… I thought you were perfect, at one point in time, until you slowly showed me that regardless of the things you do, and the people you’ll hurt to get what you want, you’ll always think of yourself as a good guy, and ironically, that’s what makes you the worst type of person.”
I spat the words at him as I gathered my papers, my books, and my phone,before I shoved past him as I stormed away. I couldn’t make out what he called to me as I dove between the bookcases and got lost between the shelves, nor did I want to. I paced down the steps that led me down to the ground floor of the library, my arms clutching my things while I kept one eye on the staircase. I let the breath I didn’t know I was holding go once I walked through the double doors, the cool breeze from the hallways hitting me as I pushed them open, and I felt my heart simmering.
But as I rounded the corner and dared a look over my shoulder, I hit something.
“Fuckin hell—”
Someone.
I knew before I looked into his eyes that it was Tristan, the homely tone of hisvoice calming me and forcing me to wrap my arms around him as I sank into him. Tears that I’d been holding in since I stored away from Henry released the second I breathed in, breathed him in, realising that I was safe and home and protected.
I felt him shuffle underneath me as he tried to figure out what was happening,but as my shoulders began to shake, I felt him tug me closer and smooth out my hair.
“Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on?” He muttered to the crown of myhead, before he rested his hands on my shoulders and leant down to meet my height. “Gold's, talk to me. What happened?”
I shook my head as he wiped the tears away with his thumb. “It was Henry.” Ifinally looked at Tristan. “Henry was the one who told.”
His eyes dipped, but I kept mine right where they were. “I know,” Hewhispered, before reaching his full height and resting his hand against my jaw. “I know.”
I mirrored him, and let my hands wander to his face. “I’m so sorry, Tristan. Youdidn’t deserve that, you didn't...” I steadied my breath. “If I’d have just stayed away—”
“No, this isn’t your fault. You somehow found yourself in the middleof all this bullshit, and none of that is your fault.” He skated his hand under my chin and held my head up, the whisper of a smile on his face making my heart slow its beat. “I swear to you, Sunshine.”
I found myself nodding at him, and letting my eyes dip down his body, but justas I felt my body relax, I felt my pulse quicken once I saw the letter tucked into his jean pocket. I plucked the thing out while I still felt his eyes on me. “What’s this?”
Tristan didn’t try to take the envelope out of my hands; instead, he sighed andsaid, “It’s my withdrawal of study letter.” My eyes flew to his. “I can’t stay here, Gold's, not with everything going on and not now everyone knows.” His eyes softened. “It was supposed to be an escape, being here, but now... all I see when I look around here is everything I was trying to hide from.”
I let my hands glide over the paper in my hands as I shifted my eyes up to his.“You’ve really loved being here, huh?”
His nod was so soft, so solemn, like it was painful just to do that. “Ihave, and I knew I would. But everything feels tainted now. Even looking down at you and thinking about that first day I properly met you, I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t, making you believe I was just like you and knew what it felt like to be forced down a certain path.” He shook his head. “I hate thinking about that day, because all I really wanted to do when we were standing at that lookout and watching the sunset was tell you the truth, because something in me told me I could trust you.”
He shuffled on his feet. “But then one thing led to another andsuddenly I was pretending to be in love with you, when in reality the only thing I was pretending was how much I wanted to leave. And I confused you, and I lied to you, and that’s all I see when I look around here. All I see is that trying to be a better person, trying to start over, only made me a liar—”
“Tristan—”
“I want to stay—”
“So then stay… Tristan.” I felt my voice crack as the words left mymouth. “Stay here with me, with your friends, the people who really know you and love you for who you are.”
Tristan weighed up my answer before he sighed. “And what do we doabout Henry?”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t stay with him here.”
I thought for a moment, nestling in the business of my mind, beforethe feel of the envelope between my fingers caught my attention. I lifted it between us. “Well, let's go to the dean and tell him.”
Tristan shrugged as he shook his head. “Tell him what? That is ownson is an arsehole and that he’s the one who leaked everything. There’s no way he’ll believe that.”
I hated to admit it, but he was probably right. The chances of thedean believing us were slim, and if he were anything like the son he raised, he’d find a way to twist it back to us and find a way to punish us for such a conspiracy.
I felt Tristan's hand slip through mine, warming them as I looked upto him. “What were you doing in there anyway?”
I shrugged, sucking a deep breath through my nose. “The case study. I wanted to get it finished and all I had to do was record those last few—”
Holy shit.
“What?” Concern veiled his voice, as the grip he had on my handsqueezed tighter.
But I had to shake free from his hold, my knees bending down as Idropped my bag to the floor, filtering through the study materials in search of the precious thing I knew would prove our case. “Godammit, where is it?” I muttered to myself and I flicked through the endless stacks of papers.
"What are you—”
“AH, I found it!”
Tristan rose back to his feet as I did. “You found what—?
I lifted my phone between us, my eyes pinging to Tristan's.“I found a way for you to stay.”
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