Chapter Fourteen #2
“I don’t want to make him suffer. I don’t want to hate him, Cullen.”
“You’re… not thinking about going back to him?” His voice is hard, and it makes me bristle.
I glare at him. I want to say, ‘Of course not, but tell me what to do, then!’ Does he want me to gamble everything on the fact that he might stay? I can’t let him influence my decision. I need to put Max and myself first.
I don’t want to cry, but it feels impossible to hold it in.
I guess it’s partly connected with Jack, but I’m ashamed to accept it’s mostly selfish.
I like Cullen so much, and I don’t want him to go.
I shouldn’t have slept with him. I thought it would be nice to be close to someone, and to share myself physically when it’s been so long, and it was, but I thought I could do it without involving my feelings, and that seems foolish now.
It’s going to make it so much harder if and when he leaves.
And as for Max… it’s clear the two of them have formed a bond. Now, if Cullen walks away, poor Max will feel doubly abandoned. How stupid I’ve been.
“I’d better get back to work,” I say huskily. “Max, come on.”
Max looks at Cullen. “We’ve got work to do.”
“No,” I say firmly. “You can’t stay there all morning.”
“I don’t mind,” Cullen says. “He’s no problem.”
“Even so.” I hold out my hand, and obediently, Max rises and slides his hand into it. “I hope the rest of your morning goes well,” I say. Then, before I start crying, I head into the building, back toward the clinic.
Cullen watches me go, but he doesn’t say anything.
Max walks quietly beside me. Once we’re inside, he looks up at me and says, “Are you okay, Mummy?”
Oh God. I’m close to bawling my eyes out. “Come and sit with Frieda,” I tell him, and I take him into reception. There’s a small table near to where Frieda sits, and she’s already said she’ll keep an eye on him while I’m in and out of surgery.
I give him his jigsaw puzzle and a drink, then quickly excuse myself and run to the Ladies’. Once I’m in there, I lock myself in a cubicle, sit on the lid, and then burst into tears as all the emotion of the past few weeks comes rising to the surface like a piece of driftwood on the ocean.
Oh God. What am I going to do?
*
Cullen
I spend the next hour checking on and settling the dogs, then do a bit of paperwork in the office. Although the clinic is busy, the rest of the Ark is quiet. Jude will be in to relieve me at one o’clock, but the girls in the grooming station and most of the office staff are off until the New Year.
When I finish in the office, I pick up one of the umbrellas we keep by the door and head outside.
It’s raining lightly, but the clouds are already parting, and I think it’ll stop soon. With Ghost padding at my side, I set off toward the Petting Zoo, then turn right onto the circular walk that takes you around the paddocks and back to the Ark.
I walk fast, striding out and trying to burn off my anxiety.
Isla was clearly upset, and I understand why.
It’s an emotional day for her, and on top of that she has all the uncertainty of her future to deal with.
My problems fade into nothing when compared with hers, and suddenly I feel ashamed when I think of how dramatic I’ve been, declaring I’m not going to stay, and traveling around the country without a care in the world.
I’m lucky in that I have money, but not everyone is in my position.
Most people have to stay in jobs or situations they don’t like, and they don’t have the luxury of making easy choices.
“Cullen!”
I look around as I hear my name, and I’m surprised to see Archer walking toward me, coming the opposite way, from the Ark. “Morning,” he says, slowing as he reaches me.
“Hey. What are you doing here?”
“Just catching up with Noah.” He gestures toward the path that leads to Noah’s house. “I’m going to update him on the situation with PAWS. Want to come?”
“On Boxing Day?”
“Yeah, he asked me to call in to sign some paperwork for the grant We Three Kings is giving PAWS. Brock gave it to him yesterday apparently over Christmas dinner.”
I hesitate, because it’s none of my business really. I know they’re both going to try to influence me to stay, and I need to make the decision with a clear head.
But something makes me say, “Yeah, okay,” and before I know it, we’re heading toward the house, Ghost running ahead, clearly eager to visit his friends.
When we arrive, Noah lets us in, and we take off our shoes and leave our umbrellas by the door. “Abby’s off for a walk with Ethan,” he says. “Coffee?”
“Please,” we both reply, and he turns on the machine.
“I bumped into Cullen on the way,” Archer says. “So I dragged him along.”
“The more the merrier.” Noah starts the espresso pouring. Then his gaze slides to me. “How are you doing today?”
I didn’t tell him today is the anniversary of Jack’s passing, but it doesn’t surprise me that he knows. “I’m okay.” With some surprise, I realize it’s true. “I’m more worried about Isla,” I admit as Archer and I pull up stools at the breakfast bar.
“Oh?” Noah frowns. “Is she having a tough day?”
“Yeah, I think so. And she’s also trying to work out where she goes from here.
She’s going to have to sell their house, but it’ll take time for the money to come through.
” I pause, wondering whether to say anything, and not wanting to guilt Noah when he does so much for people.
Then I think, oh, what the hell. “She spoke to Stefan about the possibility of a job, but apparently he’s just taken on two nurses.
He said she can go on the cover list, but obviously that’s not permanent enough when she has rent to pay. ”
To my surprise, it’s Archer who answers. “We’ve been thinking about that.”
My eyebrows rise. “Oh?”
“Noah and I have been exchanging emails about staff at the Ark. Obviously, as I said, PAWS doesn’t want to filch all the Ark’s staff, and they might not want to leave anyway.
But there are a few who might like to help with the setting up of a new place.
And then this morning Stefan called me and mentioned that Isla had asked if there were any permanent positions going, and he had to say no, and he wondered whether we could offer Isla a job.
Well, I’d been thinking about that anyway, and I’ve had this idea.
” He tells me his thoughts, finishing with, “All working under you, obviously.” His eyes twinkle.
Noah snorts, and I give them both a wry look, then smile. “It sounds perfect. I think she’d love it.”
My spirits lift at the thought that it means she’ll be able to stay.
I saw the look on her face this morning when I asked her if she was thinking about going back to her husband.
She’s determined not to, but I know it’s common for couples to stay together because of financial difficulties, and I was just worried that might happen to her.
She has to get away from him. The thought of her going back to him fills me with despair and fear for her.
“Great idea,” Noah says, pushing our coffees over to us. “Okay, I’ll get the paperwork.” He continues talking to Archer as he finds the forms and begins going through the details with him. I start listening, but gradually my gaze drifts away, out of the windows and across to the Pacific beyond.
It’s odd, but I feel as if I’ve been looking at my life down the wrong end of a telescope, and I’ve finally turned it around. Everything has suddenly come into focus.
I’ve been so convinced that today was going to be a hurdle I wasn’t going to be able to get over, but to my surprise, I don’t feel that way at all. It’s not just one thing that’s happened to make me feel this way.
It’s the job offer from Archer to help set up PAWS with him, and his comment that helping others will make me feel better about myself. Just like Scrooge, I think with some amusement. I’m obviously on my own redemption arc.
It’s the thought of staying in Sunrise Bay, which is a place I’ve really come to love.
It’s discovering the Ark and all the people working here, and knowing I’ll be interacting with many of them on a daily basis.
And it’s meeting Max, and, of course, Isla.
It’s not been long, but I realize I’m crazy about her. She brings a light into my life I hadn’t expected. She’s shown me that Jack’s family don’t hate me, and that it’s okay to experience grief and to miss someone, and still to feel joy and pleasure in life.
So, Cullen… what are you going to do about it? Are you going to run away? Or are you going to take the hard option, face your fears, and stay?
I look back at the other two. Archer is busy reading through the papers, but Noah is leaning on the counter, sipping his coffee and watching me. I think he can sense what’s going through my mind.
A bark from the garden distracts me for a moment, and I look out to see Ghost playing with Noah’s dogs.
Ghost is a different dog now. Whether it’s been Max and Isla, or Christmas working its magic, or just being at the Ark, I don’t know, but he’s healed physically and spiritually. And maybe I have, too.
I’m not to blame for Jack’s death. Yes, I missed the device.
But I didn’t detonate it. I didn’t kill him.
And I don’t have to punish myself for the rest of my life.
If I have any residual guilt, Archer’s right—helping others is one way to make myself feel better.
I’m also going to visit Jack’s parents and apologize for not going to the funeral.
I think that will help me put the event behind me.
I thought this day would be the lowest of my life, as if I’d reached the bottom of the pit. But for some reason, I feel that, for the first time, I’ve finally climbed out.
I look back at Noah. Archer’s finished signing, and now he’s looking at me expectantly too.
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s talk about how this is going to work.”