Chapter Fourteen
Isla
As Max and I walk up the road to meet Cullen the next morning, I look out at the bay, noting the gathering clouds and the way the wind is whipping the water into white-topped waves.
The weather matches my mood. I had such a nice day yesterday, but I feel a little foolish for declaring I’m in love with Cullen.
He was very nice about it, but after he’d gone home, I sat on my own with another glass of wine and have to admit I got rather drunk as I tried to drown my embarrassment.
I lift my chin and inhale the salty sea air, hoping it’ll help clear a slight hangover.
Today is a new day, and I’m not going to be embarrassed when I see him.
It wasn’t an admission I should be ashamed of.
I like the guy, and I know he likes me. I understand completely that he needs to get today over with, because I feel the same.
Jack’s memory hangs over us the same as the clouds, and the anniversary is like a rough sea we have to swim through, with memories waiting like a riptide to pull us down.
Mum rang earlier this morning, and we shared a few tears as we wished each other a good day and promised to message each other and keep our spirits up.
For us it’s just feeling Jack’s loss and coping with the knowledge that we’re never going to see him again.
But Cullen also has to deal with his guilt surrounding his partner’s death, and I’m not sure whether that’s going to be an insurmountable barrier.
I can see him already, waiting with Ghost at the bottom of the hill.
My heart leaps at the sight of him. I am in love with him.
I love his quiet manner, his dry humor, and I know it sounds stupid, but after dealing with Rob, I adore the way Cullen speaks to me so respectfully.
I can’t imagine him ever calling me names, or being cruel the way Rob has been.
And I certainly can’t picture him ever being violent to me or Max.
But then I didn’t picture Rob being violent, or I wouldn’t have married him. I can’t paint Cullen in my head as a perfect guy because I’m so desperate to find a man who isn’t like my husband.
“Morning,” I say, giving him a hesitant smile as we walk up.
“Morning.” His voice is quiet, but his eyes are gentle and kind. He opens his arms, and I walk into them, and we exchange a big hug. “How are you doing?” he murmurs, moving back and cupping my face.
“I’m okay. You?”
He looks into my eyes for a moment as if to check that I’m not lying, then sighs and lowers his hands. “Yeah, I’m okay.” He looks down at where Max is stroking Ghost. “Are you ready to work hard with me this morning? I’ve got lots for you to do.”
“Yes, sir!” Max stands and salutes him.
Cullen chuckles. “I like your style. Come on then. Let’s get going.”
“Are you sure?” I’m surprised. “I don’t expect you to look after Max. I was going to sit him in the waiting room with his jigsaw.”
“It’s no trouble,” he says. “I like having him around.”
I just smile, but his comment warms me through.
While we walk up the hill, we talk about the Hemsworth place and discuss a few ideas we’ve both had for its layout and decoration. It’s a nice topic, uplifting and positive with the thought of helping others, and it gets us to the Ark without having to have a deep and meaningful conversation.
Once we’re there, he says, “See you at morning tea?”
I nod. “Good luck.”
“You know where I am if you need me,” he says. Then he gestures toward the Forever Home with his head, and Max follows him and Ghost across the Quad.
I watch them go, my stomach fluttering with unease.
I can’t shake the feeling that Cullen is suddenly going to declare he can’t stay any longer.
Would he leave today, without giving his feelings time to settle?
Survivor’s guilt and PTSD are complicated conditions that don’t tend to involve rational thought.
I hope he comes to talk to me first and doesn’t just disappear without saying goodbye.
At least having Max with him means he won’t just abandon him and run out the door.
Pushing aside my misgivings, I go into the clinic. It’s surprisingly busy considering it’s only open for emergencies, with two vets on duty this morning, and several people already in the waiting room.
I find myself one of the blue tunics that the veterinary nurses wear, and within ten minutes I’m helping Stefan with a poodle who ate a whole box of truffles a few hours ago, as we try to make him vomit up the chocolate, which is so poisonous to dogs.
A bit later, after the dog has been returned to its owner, Stefan and I go into the Hotel to check on the animals recovering from operations. There are only a couple today who were emergencies, and we bring out a cat who was hit by a car to take out her stitches.
“Um… I wondered if I could ask you something?” I say hesitantly. I’ve been planning this for a few days, but I hadn’t gotten around to speaking to Stefan alone.
“Sure.” The guy’s, like, six-four and huge. He has hands like dinner plates, but they’re surprisingly deft as he removes the stitches.
“I’ve been thinking about staying in Sunrise Bay, and I was wondering whether there would be a permanent position at the Ark available.”
His eyebrows rise. “Oh…” He frowns for a moment.
“Well, we’ve just taken on two nurses. I wasn’t really looking for more staff right now.
But if you’d like to go on the list for providing cover, you could do that.
With such a large staff, people are always off sick or on vacation, and that often leads to a permanent position.
And you’re the most organized nurse here, so I’d definitely like to keep you. ”
“Okay, thank you.” I turn away to clean the dirty equipment.
It’s a good offer, but it’s not what I was hoping for.
If I were to move up here, I’d need to pay rent until I sorted out the divorce and the sale of our house.
And I’m not sure I’d be able to afford it on a part-time wage, with no guarantee of a full-time job.
My mood sinks after that, weighed down no doubt by the thought of it being the anniversary of Jack’s passing, too.
Around eleven, Stefan tells me to go and get a coffee, so I head off to the break room.
One of the women there is working today, and she’s made some gorgeous cheese and ham pastries, and I take one with a cup of coffee out to the back garden.
It’s raining lightly, but there’s a covered area, and I take a seat at a table looking out at the view across to the Pacific.
I want to stay. The thought blooms like a daisy in the middle of a concrete city. But I can’t if I don’t have a job. The guys at the Ark might be rich, but they can’t start handing out positions to every person who passes through.
I’ll have to see if something else is available in Sunrise Bay, or maybe in Paihia. My heart sinks at the thought of going back to waitressing or cleaning. Not because I’m too proud to do it, but I love my job, and the thought of leaving it makes me sad.
What are the alternatives, though? Go back to Auckland? At least I’d have a job, even if it wasn’t my favorite place to work, but I’d still have to pay rent, and prices are so much more expensive there.
Maybe I should go back to the house and live there, but still file for separation.
I’ve heard it can be done, as long as you have different bedrooms, separate bank accounts, and act like roommates.
But I don’t want to stay in the house with Rob.
Even if I could deal with him, I don’t want him within a hundred yards of Max.
You have a duty to protect Max from injury. I literally can’t go back.
The door opens, and Cullen and Max come out. Cullen’s bought Max a pastry and a banana, which is sweet of him, although he only appears to have got himself a coffee. They join me at the table.
“How are you doing?” he asks as he lowers onto the bench opposite me.
“Okay.” I smile, even though I feel flat. “How did your morning go?”
“We fed all the dogs and played with them in the yard,” Max states with a mouth full of pastry. “And then I taught a fluffy dog called Brian how to sit.”
“Brian?” I chuckle. “It’s rather a strange name for a dog.”
“It was written on the tag around his neck,” Cullen reveals.
“Hal rescued him from a house in Paihia,” Max says. “He’d been beaten and he had a broken leg.”
“Oh no.” I frown. “How awful.”
Max studies his pastry. “Why do people hurt animals?”
“I don’t know,” Cullen says. “I think some people get frustrated or angry and take it out on their pets. They forget that animals can feel pain.”
“You shouldn’t hit animals, though.”
“No.”
“Or people,” Max adds.
I glance at Cullen. He’s looking at Max.
“No,” he says firmly. “Never. Everyone gets angry and frustrated. But when you do, you have to learn to walk away. It’s never okay to take it out on someone else.”
My eyes fill with tears, and I have to blink hastily to stop them falling. Wow, that came out of nowhere. I suppose today was always going to be an emotional day, and what with my thoughts on staying, it’s no surprise that I’m easily moved.
Max breaks off a bit of his pastry and gives it to Ghost, who eats it in one gulp.
“You’ll make him fat,” Cullen says mildly. “And if it gives him diarrhea, you’re cleaning it up.”
Max giggles and finishes off the pastry himself, then gets down to play with Ghost.
Cullen looks at me and obviously spots my emotion, because his expression softens. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks.
I nod and rub my nose. “I asked Stefan if there were any positions going here. Apparently they’ve just taken on two nurses, but I can go on the list for cover. I’m not sure that a part-time job will cut it, though.”
He frowns. “Money-wise, you mean?”
“Yeah. We’ll have to sell the house, but it’ll take time for the money to come through. I need a job.”
“You should have the house,” he says. “Any lawyer worth his salt would kick Rob out.”