23. Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
Elise
“Y ou’re pregnant.” Dr. Wright’s voice is gentle as he delivers a blow I wasn’t expecting.
“Not possible, I have an IUD. I had my typical light period like two or three weeks ago,” I stammer, positive it’s wrong. Or the clinic got it mixed up.
I sit there, waiting for him to agree. Waiting for some chance that this is wrong.
Time stands still and the look of empathy on his face feels like a punch in the gut.
“Unfortunately, IUDs still have a one percent failure rate.”
No, no, no. Kids aren’t a part of my plan anymore and they’re certainly not a part of Young Jae’s plan. Is this it? Do I need to decide between termination, something I don’t believe in for myself, or my relationship. Sure, I’m all about choosing, but not making Young Jae wear a condom because I have this stupid, failing IUD is my fault not the baby’s.
“I see.” My words are barely a whisper.
I listen almost as if in a vacuum as he goes over my options before stepping out to give me a minute to process. I could take some time, but it would need to be soon. I have to start taking prenatal vitamins. I need to get this dumb IUD out. I need to prepare myself to accept that my life is about to change in a way I never wanted it to.
And worst of all, I can’t even talk to anyone about it. Adeline and Rae want children so badly, but neither can get pregnant. And here I am, a one percent chance of getting pregnant and there’s a baby. Just growing inside me.
My heart races as I think about Young Jae. He’s not going to be happy. He was adamant about no children. Gripping the edges of the chair I’m sitting on, all the symptoms start to make sense. How was I so blind?
The door opens and Dr. Wright comes back in. “I can fit you in any day this week or next to do the next steps. You don’t need to decide now.”
Clearing my throat, I shake my head. “It’s not a choice. I won’t terminate.” My voice is hoarse, quiet.
“Okay. I will get everything set up to remove the IUD. And I will send off a requisition to get an ultrasound so we can get a date. I will be right back.”
Nodding numbly, I panic, “Wait! Can you send the requisition to Thistle Creek or Mistik Ridge? I’m not ready to share the news yet and this town loves its gossip.”
He agrees, then leaves to go get whatever he needs.
Less than thirty minutes later, I have no IUD and I’m on the road to Mistik Ridge. They had a cancellation and were able to fit me in.
Stopping at the drugstore, I pick up prenatal vitamins and stuff them into the bottom of my purse. Setting a reminder on my phone.
No one recognizes me as I park outside the clinic and go inside, where I’m ushered into a room right away.
I watch as the tech preps everything. When I go to lift my shirt, she shakes her head. “Based on the doctor’s hypothesis for when you had implantation bleeding, we need to check inside.”
I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience. I watch as she shows me on the screen the little bean that will grow into a baby.
Seeing the little speck that will grow into a human being is surreal. Part of me still thought this wasn’t real. It’s sinking in now that I will be a mother in less than nine months.
As much as I was on board having no kids, seeing the little form does something to me. Tears well and I watch the screen, feeling a little more okay with whatever comes.
After we’re done, she suggests I wait as the radiologist is able to look at the scan now and give me an approximate of how far along I am.
The next hour passes by so slowly, but by the time I leave, I know I’m about five weeks along and due at the beginning of May.
I take the long way home, still processing everything. Somehow, I need to keep Young Jae in the dark until I’ve had enough time to accept this because I can’t process a baby and the possibility of him asking me to terminate or ending the relationship. I can’t imagine him doing something so cold, but I also know he doesn’t want this.
Our lives are going to change forever and I’m taking away his choice in the matter. I know I would be upset too.
My phone rings, the Bluetooth loud in my car. Glancing at the screen, I’m relieved when I see it’s Uncle George instead of Young Jae. I need more time to collect myself before I see Young Jae or he will know something is up.
“Hi, Uncle George,” I greet him, my voice cheery. It’s easy enough. Customer service has helped me perfect the happy, everything is great voice.
“Hey. I wanted to check in. The reading of the will was a lot.” His voice is gentle, but a little cautious.
We’ve texted a bit since that day, but I think he’s trying to let me take the wheel on building a relationship. At least that’s my best guess from what little I know about him.
“It was, but I’m okay. It helps me to know that even though we drifted apart, he still thought about me and wanted to take care of me.” My voice is softer, more real.
He grunts. “I wish I had known how bad it was. I would’ve stepped in. She always rubbed me the wrong way, but he seemed happy. I should’ve known better when he stopped seeing you.”
The regret in his voice is thick. It’s easy enough to overlook things when you think someone is happy. I know how easy it is to pretend everything is okay when it’s not.
“The only one capable of changing anything was Dad. I don’t think he knew how to ask for help. I felt so hurt by his distance that I pulled away, too, even though I could’ve pushed my way back in. But we all can look at what we could’ve done and sit in regret. It doesn’t change anything.” Breathing out a sigh, I rub my hand over my head.
I hope that I can look at things this clearly when it comes to the baby, but the distraction right now is welcome.
We talk for a while longer, making plans to meet sometime in the holiday season. When we hang up, I feel like a connection to my dad is coming back and even though I can never rebuild what he and I lost, I can rebuild with Uncle George.
By the time I park in the garage, it’s past seven. Young Jae has called a few times, but I let it go to voicemail.
He greets me as I come in the door, his expression worried. “You didn’t answer my call. Is everything okay?”
Removing my shoes, I walk into his arms and hug him tight. “Yeah, everything is fine. Nothing serious is wrong with me, I just need to take some vitamins.”
It’s not a total lie. It’s a lie by omission, but I can’t tell him now. Not yet.
“Well, I made a really delicious dinner and I thought we could take the paddleboards out tonight. Enjoy the water before it gets too cold.” He leads me to the table where a lovely dinner is waiting. Chicken, roast veggies, and sweet potato fries ready and plated, with a fresh bouquet of dahlias in a vase to the side.
Trying not to let him see through my calm exterior, I tease, “You know you don’t have to bribe me with tasty food and a spontaneous date night to get sex, right? It’s usually guaranteed.”
He laughs. “Good to know.”
We eat, and I let him lead the conversation until it feels effortless, the pregnancy somehow moving to the back of my mind. It’s still early on, we have a lot of time to adjust and reframe our future.
We cleanup together before loading up our paddleboards. We bought Kimchi a life preserver and have started bringing her along with us. She took to it right away, but as Young Jae secures her to his board, part of me is envious.
“What do you think about adopting another dog one day?” I push off, paddling on the calm water. The sun is warm, but the light breeze is cool.
Young Jae paddles up alongside me, Kimchi sitting with her eyes half closed. “I have been thinking about it and think it’s a great idea. We should go to the shelter on Sunday and visit the dogs.”
Laughing, I ignore the guilt in my chest. “We can look, but I want something similar in size to Kimchi. It’s probably too much to hope we could rescue another Jack Russell. Let’s not rush, I was just putting it out there.”
He gives me a sneaky look. “You never know when the right one will appear. I can’t make any guarantees I won’t come home with a dog one day now that I know you’re open to it.”
Laughing, I resist the urge to rub my stomach. It’s probably more welcome than the surprise I have for him.
We finish paddleboarding and head home. Now that I know why I’m not feeling well, I sneak some saltines as he takes a quick shower. A quick online search gives me some ideas of how to help with the nausea, but there’s not much to do about the exhaustion. Just a lot of articles saying it should pass by week thirteen.
“Joy,” I mutter, closing the search as Young Jae comes downstairs.
We settle in on the couch, both picking up our books to read. He massages my feet with one hand as he reads, always taking care of me.
I pick up my phone, opening my group chat with Adeline and Rae, but I can’t bring myself to tell them the news. It’s going to break their hearts and I feel like I will be rubbing it in their faces that I’m pregnant. I can’t imagine being in their shoes, wanting something so much and it not happening, only to find out someone who doesn’t even want that is getting it.
I know they will be happy for me, because they’re that great of friends, but I think I would struggle to find joy in the situation.
It sucks to feel alone in this, but everyone I would normally talk to about this would be too hard to tell.