Chapter 13
Julian
I’m a piece of shit. My actions are proof I don’t deserve her.
I couldn’t keep my hands off her. That hasn’t changed since we met.
She’s better off without me, but I can’t stay away from her.
My bullshit life could’ve gotten her killed.
When I thought Taya died, it almost killed me.
If anything happened to Ever, I wouldn’t survive it.
I can’t shake that she could’ve been seriously hurt or worse.
That she was taken by gunpoint, threatened, alone, scared.
Because of me. Just being with me puts her at risk.
I thought I left it all behind, made myself good, but I can’t outrun where I come from—what I came from.
Now it’s like every time I touch her, I taint her, the perfection of her, with my cursed DNA.
She deserves better than some damaged trailer trash like me.
At the very least, she deserves to be safe from harm.
That only happens if she’s not with me. But I’m fucking shameless and don’t know how to let her go.
We’re tiptoeing around each other because I don’t have the balls to send her away for good.
She needs to be far away from me. Far away from here.
Blue Lake used to mean a fresh start, peace and possibilities.
Southy is too close, though. Hell, any place in this tiny county is too close.
She deserves to go away to college and live a life of frivolity and fun.
Not guns, trailer parks and drugged-out degenerates.
I’ve gotta let her go. I’m a fucking asshole that I just made love to her and now I plan to go out there and tell her to leave.
Staring at the pale, sunken face in the mirror, I will myself to do it—push my clenched fists off the edge of the countertop, turn around and walk out of here and end my life as I know it.
I always knew she was too good to be true.
I always knew it would come down to losing her.
Didn’t I? Because that’s what Jayce Keller deserves.
Nothing and no one. I can change my name, build a career and make more money than I know what to do with, but I can’t change who I really am.
Todd showed me that, proved beyond a doubt that underneath it all, I’m just like him, her.
A guy in handcuffs, kneeling in the dirt lot of a trailer park in a nothing town.
Knocking my fists against the cool white tiles, I resolve myself to do what I must. What’s right.
With one last look in the mirror I turn and open the door.
She’s sitting on the edge of the bed facing the bathroom, legs dangling, feet bare, toes barely touching the floor.
Dressed in a fresh bra and thong, but her eyes are downcast, hands fidgeting with what’s left of her thong—the one I tore off her.
I ignore the rush of blood to my junk at seeing it and her like this.
She’s so fucking beautiful—even when she’s sad.
Maybe more so. I glance over her head at the rumpled bed and yearn to rewind back to that moment, stay in it forever.
I blink away the pressure behind my eyes and steel my spine.
She’s going to hate me. I close my eyes on a long blink.
When I open them, she’s watching me, sees the truth in mine before I utter a word. I speak anyway. “I need to catch up on some work, so I’m gonna skip the bonfire.”
“Hmph. Sure. Fine.” She throws the torn fabric on the floor and stands, locking her hands on her hips. “You know what? Not fine.” She rakes her fingers through her hair and begins pacing in front of me. Her long limbs graceful despite her fury.
I brace for the tirade. I deserve it. On some level, I welcome it. The pain of unmet needs and desires feels familiar although I didn’t have a name for it most of my life.
Whirling to face me, she points in my face. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Julian. At least have the balls to tell me the truth. I think I deserve that.” Her hands land back on her hips, her chest and abs rippling as she huffs.
Captivating. She would kill me if she knew the train of my thoughts. I shake my head to stay on track. “Fine. I don’t want to go.” I hold my hands out to my sides, palms up.
“That’s a lie, too. You already told me you love this event. You’ve planned it with Allie since you came to Blue Lake.”
“Things change.” I arch my brow in challenge. Why am I provoking her? Because then she’ll do the heavy lifting for you. Because you’re a pussy. A coward.
“Things? Or you?” She arches hers back at me.
“What do you want from me, Ever?”
She jerks her head back like I slapped her.
“You know what? Nothing. I’m done with this shit.
” She stalks to the closet, yanks jeans off a hanger and wrenches them up her legs.
Leaving them unzipped, she jerks a hoodie off a hanger next and pulls it over her head, punches her arms through the sleeves and stalks past me out the bedroom door.
I’m getting what I want. Why can’t I let her go? Let her go. Don’t do it. “Ever?” Her footsteps pound down the stairs. By the time I hit the bottom step, she’s at the front door pulling on her kicks. “Ever.”
She stops her reach for her phone and keys.
“What, Julian? What do you have to say now?” Her eyes are charcoal and swimming with unshed tears. I almost take it all back. One tear falls. She swipes it away. “More lies?”
Find your balls. Let her go. “Just be careful tonight.”
“Hmph. Fuck you, Julian.” With that, she jerks the door open, marches through it and slams it, shaking the windows. She didn’t take the keys to the 4Runner. She’ll run to the marina. Running will help. It’s her thing.
I head into the home gym. I plan to beat the absolute shit out of the heavy bag until I can’t move.
I crank my angry playlist, heavy with Eminem, Linkin Park and Muse, and get to work.
That I picture beating the shit out of my despicable excuse for a parent while I swing and kick makes me angrier.
I shouldn’t want to beat the shit out of the people who raised me.
I shouldn’t want to pummel his face until it’s unrecognizable.
Tears sting my eyes as I continue to pulverize my knuckles.
I purposely left them untaped, relishing that pain to the searing hole in my chest. My grunts turn to sobs but still I strike the bag with fists and feet until I stumble with fatigue and collapse on the padded floor, music and sorrow echoing off the walls.
I feel like that powerless little boy in that dirty trailer park, not in control of my own life.
I could be, a voice whispers in my head. I ignore it. Let her go.
Ever doesn’t come home tonight. I know this isn’t her home anymore, but it has been while Lilly and Noah are here.
I figure she’s with Lilly—hopefully enjoying herself.
I don’t check her location, though my fingers itch to.
It’s New Year’s Eve. We should be celebrating together and looking forward to all the incredible things in store for us in the year to come.
Instead I’m lying on my bed in the dark staring at the clock wondering what my life looks like without her in it.
It’s for the best. She deserves a good life, with a good guy.
My stomach pitches on the image of her with another guy, his hands on her.
I snag my phone off the charger and swipe the screen, intending to check her location.
The picture on screen is of the two of us squaring off—my favorite.
Auz sent it to me after our last content filming weekend.
I drag my finger over the image. In it, Ever is strong, confident, fierce.
And happy. The memory is enough to make me put the phone back on the charger and stare at the screen again, watching the minutes tick into the new year.
Once it strikes midnight, I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling.
I can be alone, should be alone. No one else deserves to be dragged into the mess of my bloodline—especially her.
She deserves every good thing this life can give her.
The one thing I can give her is my absence.
And I will. Tapping my chest to ease the rising panic, I force a shaky breath through my pursed lips.
A rogue tear slides along my temple and into my ear.
I let it fall unchecked. It won’t be like it was with Taya.
Ever is still alive and well. I’m not sure that mourning the loss of someone who is still on the planet is better or worse for the one who’s lost them. I’m about to find out.