Chapter 14
Everly
As I release my floating lantern, I reflect on my wishes and realize they’re all for him.
I take a second lantern and make myself wish for my future, my dreams and new beginnings.
I visualize what I need to let go of for those wishes and dreams to have space to become beginnings.
Swiping at the tears that won’t stop, I tell myself that I can’t be the only one fighting for us.
Fuck, it shouldn’t be a fight at all. Isn’t that what my dad always said?
Ev, your person—the one you pick to do life with—should be the one who helps you through all the shit life throws at you.
It shouldn’t be one of the things life throws at you.
Remember that. I was twelve, but I remember we were sitting in the garage listening to Guns N’ Roses.
He would sit and tell me stories or give me advice.
It was almost like he knew he wouldn’t always be around to do it.
I watch the lanterns float away and dissolve in the inky water.
I have to let him go. My mind stills on that realization.
“Hey, love. Sending off some good wishes?” Lilly plants her butt in the sand next to me.
“Hey, Lill. Yeah. I think so.” I side-bump her as she drops her arm across my shoulders.
That I’m not freaking out is my proof that I’m on the right path.
That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Guilt weighs on me that the last thing I said to him was “fuck you,” but under the circumstances that was my restraint.
I’m not sure I’ve ever been so angry. Now I’m just contemplative and weirdly calm.
As if my psyche is calling me out as a liar, a sob bubbles up my throat and escapes my lips.
“Oh, honey, tell me what’s happening”—her embrace tightens—“and who we’re burying.”
I sniff, and on a watery laugh, I assure her, “No one.” I shake my head side to side. “No one. I just . . .” I turn into her as the dam breaks. “I can’t save him, Lill. I can’t reach him anymore. I have to let him go.”
“Shhh, okay.” She wraps both arms around me and pets my hair. “It’s okay, Ever. I’m here. What can I do?”
What she does is hug me while I cry so hard and so long I feel lethargic after, but also more resolved than ever.
One thing I’m damn sure of is I’m not going to beg him to love me, to be with me.
Now that my mind is made up, I’m anxious to get started.
After I walk Lilly through the nightmare my perfect relationship has become, I feel lighter, determined and maybe a little angry still underneath it all.
My exhilaration and resolve are usurping my sadness, at least for the moment.
“Any chance you guys are heading back to SLO early?”
“Yeah, maybe. Seth is having ocean withdrawal. Honestly, so am I. It’s addictive. You must want your apartment back, right? Considering . . .” She chuckles and bumps shoulders with me like when she first sat down, which feels like a lifetime ago but is mere minutes.
“Actually, I want a ride.”
***
Lilly’s right. The ocean is addictive. I can’t wait to feel the sand under my feet.
They dropped me at the Oak Valley airport last night on their way back to San Luis.
Lilly pushed back on leaving me in the airport on New Year’s Eve (or technically day) heartbroken and alone.
Once I assured her I was able to get a flight and wouldn’t have to wait long, she gave in.
I waited two hours for the next flight to Los Angeles in an almost empty airport.
Just as I was about to board my plane, my phone buzzed in my pocket.
A text from Julian. Adrenaline courses through my system.
I don’t want to read it, but I know I will.
I tap the screen as I walk down the Jetway.
Julian: I’m so sorry, Ever. I really do love you and want you to be safe.
I resist the urge to hurl my phone onto the ramp and instead tap his name to bring up his contact and hit block, close my phone, slide it into my back pocket and continue to board my flight.
I swallow the emotion welling up in my chest and dig deep for the determination that brought me this far.
A good therapist might say I’m projecting all my past turmoil onto this one situation, but I don’t care.
I’ve taken enough shit off people to know I’m done doing it.
Even if some lingering resentment from my past in Oak Valley is seeping into the current bullshit with Julian, so be it.
I’m done letting my life be a dumpster fire.
I cue up my angriest old-school rock playlist as loud as my ears can take through my earbuds and let myself wallow for the duration of the flight.
When I land, I take a few deep breaths and mentally shake off the negative energy swirling around me. My new life starts now.
After the hour-and-a-half flight and waiting until a decent hour to text Sean, it’s now creeping into midmorning.
I should be dragging from lack of sleep, but revenge goals are better than caffeine.
I don’t want to think about what I’ll tell Allie and Ashley.
I’m not going to lie, but I also don’t want to trash Julian.
I’m not as mad anymore, just sad for what could’ve been.
I’m also not delusional enough to think I’m over it.
My compartmentalizing tendencies are probably just working overtime to protect my heart, and I’m letting it happen.
I’d rather delude myself as long as possible or stay as busy as possible so I don’t have time to think, dwell or break down.
I turned off my location for him during my wait at the OV airport. If he does check, he won’t find me.
“Do they know I’m coming?” I catch Sean’s eyes, in the mirror of the town car—Ashley’s faithful driver.
“Of course, Miss Davis.”
“Sean, I told you to just call me Ever.”
His eyes crinkle in the rearview mirror, and he nods but doesn’t correct himself.
“What’d they say? Never mind. I hope I didn’t put you in a weird spot.”
“Not at all, Miss . . . Ever. I’m available whenever you need me. That’s my job.”
I smile at his reflection for using my first name—the name I want everyone to call me now.
It’s my name and I like it. I can make it my name, not the name I have because of .
. . him. I push his image from my mind. I frown out the window, but the rushing scenery pulls my lips up.
“The weather is crazy beautiful down here.” I’m not running away—again—at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
I’m starting my life. The life I was supposed to live before I moved to Blue Lake.
Maybe a life attending Pepperdine. That’s what I hope to figure out with Allie and Ashley.
My heart thuds faster the closer we get to Malibu.
I hope it’s okay that I need an adult right now—a real adult.
Allie has never made me feel like a burden.
Neither has Ashley for that matter. That guy is either a saint or not human.
No wonder he captured Allie’s heart. I’ve never seen or heard of her so much as date anyone my whole life.
That she utterly fell for him speaks volumes.
Though asking for help is foreign to me, asking Allie and Ashley doesn’t bring the level of dread it would were it anyone else.
Good thing, because we’re rolling through the gates now and it’s crunch time.
***
“Ineed a change. That’s the simplest way to describe it. I still want to focus on fitness and psychology. I still want to work for ASH . . . if you’ll have me.”
“That’s not even a question.” Ashley curves his arm around Allie’s shoulders and smiles at me before he looks down at Allie questioningly.
“Of course, Ev. Whatever you need. I’ve always told you that. What’s mine is yours. All the Davis girls. You’re my family.” Allie wraps her arms around Ashley’s waist and squeezes as he kisses her temple.
I ignore the stabbing pain in my chest at seeing the open display of affection.
I lower my eyes and focus on my fidgeting hands, take a slow deep breath and look up, bouncing my eyes between them.
I can do this. I’m Kyle Davis’s daughter.
I tuck in the hurt, smile and say, “I should have all my Gen Ed out of the way in a few months. Got any sway over Pepperdine?” One cheek lifts and my brows rise on my forehead as I pin Ashley with a calm stare I don’t quite feel inside.
“What’s the saying? ‘It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.’” He winks as he says it. “We’ll see what we can do.” His smile reassures me, calms me for real. “Would you want to live here with us? The dorms? We’ve got an empty cottage we could renovate for you.”
“I honestly don’t want to be a burden. I’ll pay rent. I’ll work for you. Whatever I need to do. I just need a change.”
“You already said that,” they say in unison, then laugh at their timing, gazing at each other.
I stamp down the urge to roll my eyes. Nausea replaces the chest pain.
I’m going to need distance from any lovey-dovey shit for a while.
I force a smile back to my lips. It feels plastic on my face.
I hold it long enough to let their moment pass.
“The cottage? Just so I’m not in the way,” I lie.
“But you don’t have to renovate it. I’m sure it’s perfect the way it is. ”
“It’s actually storage for the content studio. So, yes, we will fix it up for you. It would be our pleasure. Right, babe?” He kisses her on her forehead as she readily agrees.
I turn my back and swallow the rising bile. Blinking, I keep the welling tears at bay. Please let me hold it together. “Can I . . . take one of the guest rooms for now? Freshen up, maybe take a quick nap?”
“Of course. Take whichever one you want. Let me help you with your bags.”
“Thanks, I got it.” That I can fit my whole life into two suitcases almost breaks me. That stops now. I let Allie take one of the bags from my hand. I’m going to build a life for myself. Here. One with roots, where I feel like I belong. Where no one can take it away from me.
Once Allie sets my other bag on the ground, she squeezes my shoulder.
I’m not facing her and I don’t turn as the first tear spills. “I just need a minute. I’ll be okay.”
“Take as much time as you need.” She lets go. Her muted footsteps on the carpet turn to soft taps on the hardwood of the hallway.
“Thank you, Allie, for not . . . for just letting me show up here.” My response is the door closing softly behind me.
I take two steps, fall face down on the soft lavender comforter and bawl my insides out.
I sob until my head pounds like a thousand tiny hammers across my forehead.
My face feels puffy, my limbs feel weighted, my eyelids almost swollen shut.
Before I pass out from sheer exhaustion, I note the colors of the room.
Nothing is blue. It still gives coastal vibes but with lavender, sandy beige and soft yellows.
It’s a different kind of peaceful. I inhale and exhale deeply, once, twice.
I’ll be okay. Kyle Davis’s daughter is always okay.
My dad’s image swims into my mind. He wasn’t home a lot, but I remember his hugs.
Warm. Strong. Safe. A shaky sob escapes my lips, which sends a furious pounding to my temples.
I can’t cry anymore. My head is screaming at me to the point of making me want to hurl.
I miss you, Dad. I don’t know if that thought that slams into my brain is accurate though.
I miss him, sure, but I think I miss how simple things were when he was alive.
At least they felt that way to me as a kid.
I’m sure there was a lot of stress I never noticed at my age with him being deployed a lot.
To me, though, I was loved by a mom and a dad and had a good home and a sister I idolized.
Looking back, it felt . . . easy. Easier than this, for sure.
I pet the soft velvety duvet, swiping my hands back and forth until the weight of my grief and my pounding post-cry headache pull me under.