Chapter 40 #2
“He’s wrong, baby.” She gently tilts my chin up.
“The things he said, his beliefs. I won’t ever understand it, but some people in this world choose hate.
Hate is loud and aggressive and in your face.
To those people, they see that as powerful, as dominant.
They don’t see the strength in softness, the courage in vulnerability.
Their impulsiveness, their belligerence?
That is weakness—a shield for someone who can’t pause, think, and make a rational decision. ”
“So many people think that way, the way he does, though,” I say quietly.
“And…it’s hard not to think that maybe…maybe it’s better to just date women.
To avoid all the shit that happened with my dad, that has happened with my teammates.
” My stare falls and so does what’s left of the organ in my chest. “If I can be just like everyone else,” I whisper, “why would I purposely choose the more difficult path?”
“Freedom,” a deep voice comes from my doorway, and my attention snaps up. To him. All dark hair and dark eyes and hard jaw. Stunning and serious, and so close, yet so far.
“I think because we desire the freedom to be ourselves,” he says. “Not have someone or something dictate how we get to live our lives. Our choice.”
He leans against the doorframe. “Some people do try to hide that part of themselves. I think everyone has to make the decision that’s best for them.
I would never hold it against someone who chose a path that made them feel safe.
The world we live in…it gets more and more divisive every day.
Your father’s beliefs…are much more prevalent than even I want to admit, and right now those people feel empowered to be loud.
Only you can determine what the right decision is for you. ”
His nostrils flare, and he hesitates, something unsaid flashing in those deep-brown eyes.
I nod, hoping he understands I want to hear whatever it is he’s wrestling with.
“There’s another…compelling reason,” he finally says, his voice wavering slightly.
I clutch my blanket in white-knuckled fists. And I wait. Not breathing, heart barely beating, waiting for him to give me a reason that makes it all worth it. The fight. The hate. The injustice.
“Yeah?”
“Love, Shane.” He huffs softly, a humorless smile tilting his lips.
“Love. The heart wants who the heart wants. People make decisions every day that make their lives more difficult in the name of love. When you find that person, your one sole person…the difficult path is the better path. Because it’s with them.
” His gaze searches mine. “I’d go up against the entire world to fight for that. ”
Oh. I swallow hard, and a trembling breath flees me.
His gaze darts away, and he clears his throat. “Also, apologies. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I wanted to give you an update on Frankie.”
I frown. “Frankie?”
Now he’s frowning. “Yeah, Frankie. Last night…he’s still in the hospital—”
“Fucking what?” I jump out of bed. Pause as the world spins, and I try not to hurl. Breathe, Shane. My bedroom rights itself. “I’m going to need an explanation, JJ.”
He scrubs a hand down his face. “I see you don’t remember.” He lets out a weighted sigh. “Speaking of bigots. Devereux knocked Frankie clean out last night. Hairline fracture in his right cheekbone.”
My mom gasps.
“Oh my god,” I whisper.
“We have to go visit him,” my mom says. “And who is this Devereux person? Can you press charges?”
Jed’s face contorts, and he shakes his head. “Unfortunately, that probably won’t go over well. Considering Devereux accused Frankie of sexually assaulting Olander. We all know who would win in that case.”
I sputter. That’s just…just fucking preposterous.
“Frankie would never do something like that. Like, yes, he’s a total flirt, but he’d never make unwanted advances on someone.
He does tend to like the”—I air quote—“straight boys. But they’re never actually straight.
I’ve seen him in action. He doesn’t ever make the first move. They go to him.”
Jed’s eyebrows lift and he nods. “Yuuuup.”
What? Oh. Ohhhh. Oh my.
“You think Olander’s a not-so-straight straight boy?” Holy fucking shit.
Jed shrugs. “It’s either that, or Frankie assaulted him. And we know Frankie doesn’t need to kiss men who don’t want to kiss him. He has no shortage of options.”
“I think we should still report Dev to the skipper. Dominguez needs to know about all the shit Dev’s been saying and now doing.”
“This man is your teammate?” My mom bristles. “What’s his mother’s number? Or his father’s? Both. I’d like a word.”
Jed covers his smile with the back of his hand.
“That doesn’t really work in professional baseball, Mom. This isn’t Little League.”
“Even if contacting his parents isn’t an option…” Jed says, eyes dancing. “I agree we should talk to Dominguez. I’ll talk to Paulie. Dev’s verbally attacked us both and now Paulie’s brother too, so I think it makes sense for us to be the ones to talk to Coach.”
“Sounds good,” I say with a nod.
“Good.”
An awkward silence settles over the room, and I rock on my feet.
It’s then that I realize I’m literally standing in the middle of my room in my boxers, my mom sitting on my bed, Jed in my doorway.
I glance down. Phew. Normal black boxers.
Not, like, the purple pair with eggplants on them that I bought recently.
“Ah. I’ll just…head then. Again, sorry for the intrusion.”
I shake my head sharply. “No worries. Um. Yeah. See ya, bro.”
Wow. Why am I all of a sudden so weird?
He takes a step back, lips twitching. “See ya…Bro.” He quietly closes the door.
I flop backward onto my bed—horrible, horrible decision. I groan while my brain slowly stops shaking in my skull. I cover myself up with my comforter.
“Soooooo. Jed.”
I don’t like that tone.
“He’s awfully handsome.”
“Mom.”
“I like him, baby.”
My eyes fall shut. “I like him too.”
“I want to say something, and I want you to really listen. All right, Shane?”
I turn toward her and meet her glinting blue gaze. I tug on my ear. “Listening.”
We share a small smile. That was our thing when I was little. She’d tug on her ear. Shane, listening ears, baby. Then she’d make me tug on mine to ensure I was paying attention.
“That man.” She points to the door. “Is what a true partner looks like. He’s ready to stand by his partner’s side and fight the world with them. That’s the kind of man who will weather any trial life throws at you.”
She squeezes my leg. “It is so obvious how much he cares about you. That speech? That was about you, baby. He wants what’s best for you, even if you decide that’s not him.
I know you don’t have an easy decision ahead of you, but a partner like that is pretty darn hard to find—no matter how you identify. Don’t take that lightly.”
She’s right. Momma always knows.
Can I do that? Can I be the partner Jed needs? I’m barely holding myself together. What could I possibly offer? Jed deserves someone who would support and fight for him. I want to be that person. I want to be more than I am. But wanting isn’t enough.
“You don’t need to know that answer right now.”
Good Lord, the woman is too perceptive.
“I have a feeling he’d wait quite a while for you, baby. But he doesn’t deserve to wait too long.”
I nod and fall into my thoughts.
A knock jostles me out of the light sleep I fell into.
“Come in,” I call groggily.
The door inches open, and East pops his head in. His gaze sweeps over me, light blue eyes brimming with worry. My always worried Cowboy has been extra worried lately. And it’s been all my fault.
“Is it okay if I come in? I’m sorry I woke you.”
I send him a lopsided smile. “You’re fine, Cowboy. I shouldn’t sleep the day away anyhow.” I shuffle up and lean against my headboard. I’m still working on recovering from the copious amounts of alcohol I drank last night. Not my shining moment.
East walks in and sits on the end of my bed. He picks at my comforter. “It’s good to hear you talking again,” he whispers. His gaze flicks up. “And see a bit of a smile.”
It’s my turn to drop my gaze. “I’m sorry.” My words are so faint, they’re barely audible. “I’m sorry I made you guys worry.”
He shakes his head and cuffs my foot. “No, man. The last thing you need to do is apologize. It was just hard feeling like there was nothing we could do to help you. Thank God Stone had the sense to ask your mom to come up.”
I bite my cheek. I hadn’t realized he’d asked Mom to come. My alcohol-clogged brain still isn’t at full working capacity. I guess I thought she’d just appeared because of her spidey Mom senses. Of course, that doesn’t make any sense. Of course, Jed called her, once again knowing what I needed.
“He’s pretty amazing,” I whisper.
“Yeah, he is. He’s so gone for you, Shane.” His brows lift, and he sends me a smile. “Rightfully so.”
My stomach tightens. I must give something away in my face because Easton’s smile falters.
“Do you want to talk about it? Any of it. I know you got lost inside yourself for a bit there, but I’m here.
I want to be here.” He pulls a leg up onto my bed so he can face me better.
“Maybe I can take a turn and give you some really great and eloquent advice. You know…about love stank and all that.”
I chuckle softly. That conversation in his car might have been nearly three years ago, but I still remember it like it was yesterday.
He’s right, though. I don’t really talk things out.
Paulie and East are the first people I’ve had in my life who I can go to if I need someone.
And I want to be more comfortable opening up to them. I need to be.
The past few days…that wasn’t totally new for me. It was the worst I’ve been in a long time, but sometimes when things get too heavy, I disappear. Even from myself. I detach. Disassociate. Because reality is too painful to bear.
I draw in a shaky breath. “I’m scared,” I whisper.