Chapter 44 Shane #2
“The minute I needed to be strong for you…” I whisper. “It was so fucking easy, JJ. There’s nothing in this world I couldn’t tackle to be there for you, to keep you safe.”
Those brown eyes go so damn soft, and I just want to stay here forever, basking in the fact that, for some reason I’ll never understand, I’m the reason this stoic, hard man melts.
He brushes a small kiss on my nose. “If you saw yourself the way I see you, Shane, you’d never have trouble showing up for yourself. It’s a shame it’s so hard for us to see ourselves the way our loved ones do.”
“Minds are kind of fucked.”
Jed chuckles. “That they are.”
Our laughter drifts off to silence, and I clear my throat.
“I want you to know something.” I grip his face, fingers sinking into his jawline.
“I was never going to act on it, the flirting in the bar. I was lost and desperately trying to reclaim the version of myself the world would accept. Putting on a show. That’s all it was—a show.
And that’s only because underneath it all I was terrified by one simple fact. ”
He searches my eyes and waits.
“I couldn’t—can’t—imagine ever sharing this with someone other than you ever again.” I let out a shaky breath as my heart takes off like a runner stealing in my chest. It’s terrifying. To be vulnerable. To let go of my walls and just hope. Hope he’ll stay. “Man or woman. Just you. I just want you.”
“Sunshine.” The unsteady word is so faint it barely surfaces.
I pull him down and kiss him. Try to breathe through the emotion closing in around us. Hide in his kiss.
Finally, Jed draws back. “I’m scared too.” His fingers tighten on me. “Of the enormity of what this is.” He swallows hard. “It’s terrifying to love someone again, knowing the loss I do.”
My lips tremble, and a tear leaks out of the corner of my eye. I slam my eyes shut and let out a quivering breath. Damnit. Hold yourself together, Shane. At least enough to form the words. To tell him. I open my mouth, but nothing surfaces.
His lips turn up softly, and a glimmer of amusement reflects back at me. I yank him down to me, burying his head in my neck. The tears fall, and there’s no stopping them. He huffs a laugh into my shoulder.
“Sh-shut up.” My choppy, watery words only pull another deep chuckle from him.
I don’t understand. I just want to tell this man that I fucking love him. Why am I crying? This is so ridiculous.
He dislodges himself from my octopus grip and kisses away the tear tracks. We roll onto our sides and face each other. He brushes my hair back, and I’ve never felt more adored in my life. The tenderness in his gaze, the softness in his expression, the way his fingers linger in my curls.
“I get it,” he murmurs. “It’s a lot.”
I nod. “You make me feel big feelings, Storm Cloud,” I say roughly.
I skate my hand over his chest, attention following my fingers. I lightly flick his nipple piercing before moving to stop over his heart. I make a rumbling sound and then let my hand explode open. “Boom.”
I fall silent for a moment, then whisper, “That’s what it’s like. A thunderstorm of emotion raging inside me.” My gaze flicks up to his. “I’ve always loved thunderstorms.”
We get pop-up storms in Florida all the time.
When I was little, I’d always try to run out in them, forever driving my mom mad.
But to step out under a sky that’d just opened up, the rain pouring down, wind whipping around like a physical push, the crashing of thunder so loud it shakes you.
You’re surrounded by something so much larger than yourself.
It’s scary, but exhilarating.
Like love.
“I love you, JJ.”
He bites his lips, and his nostrils quiver on a fractured breath. His throat bobs. “Boom,” he says roughly.
“Boom,” I whisper.
I shuffle closer to him and catch his lips in a bruising kiss, all teeth and teeming emotion. It’s inelegant and raw and messy. I think it couldn’t be more perfect.
Eventually Jed breaks away and snuggles into my neck. The most beautiful sigh escapes him. His muscles go completely lax against me, and damn, it’s like hitting a home run. I’m responsible for that. The letting go. The comfort.
“What time do you have to leave?” he murmurs, breath skimming over my skin.
My heart sinks. Way too soon. I reach around him and grab my phone. The screen lights up. It’s past three. I quickly set my alarm. “I have a few more hours. I should leave around seven.”
He lets out a soft whine. “You’re going to get, like, no sleep.”
“Worth it.”
We’re both quiet, and I almost believe he’s fallen asleep when he mumbles, “Thank you for showing up for me tonight.”
“Always.” I’ll always show up for him. I want to be that for him.
“Forever thinking of others.”
His breathing evens out, the rise and fall of his chest settling into a deep, steady rhythm. I lay a kiss on his forehead. My eyes slip closed, and I just hold on. To him. To the moment.
“You’re wrong,” I whisper into the quiet. “I came here just as much for me as for you.”
I don’t know what any of this means. I don’t know how we do this—make us work while living separate lives in a demanding career that leaves zero downtime.
Easton and Maddox, Paulie and Shelbs, they all manage it, though. I bury my nose in his hair and breathe him in—and hold it for as long as I can. Desperate to find a way to keep a part of him with me when I leave soon.
If my friends can do it. So can we.