Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
What the actual fuck just happened? Finn towel-dried his hair in the bedroom after changing into jeans and a white polo.
How had he gone from his heart feeling as though it’d explode from painful memories, not to mention the bullet he’d taken in the chest, to fingering the woman who drove him crazy?
Enemies-to-lovers romance. Wasn’t that what Harper had said at that bar in Tribeca, the night of Julia’s “date” with Lorenzo?
He liked a challenge. Loved it, in fact. Thrived on it. Being a SEAL was all about challenges.
So, when Julia said she couldn’t even get herself off, how could he not see that as a personal challenge? He’d been burning to touch her for weeks, and her admission was like pouring gasoline on the fire blazing inside him.
And yet, he’d been so angry after the op. Not just that it was a bust, but about so many things out of his control. And he didn’t want to accidentally hurt her if he lost control of himself. Sex with her had to be off-limits in his current state of mind.
Inside that shower, he’d seen some of himself in Julia. The pain from losing someone. The guilt because she blamed herself—he could relate to all of it.
It was clear he still struggled to move on from his own guilt. But did anyone ever actually move on, or did they just bury it beneath a pile of platitudes and bullshit their way through life?
Although, how many times over the years had his mom blamed him for what happened? How many times had he blamed himself for not telling his parents sooner about Jaden’s problem?
I can’t look at you. How can I ever look at you again after what you did? his mom had asked Finn before slapping him across the face. But he’d been too numb on the inside to feel the sting.
Finn dragged a palm down his face as if it had just happened, hating that his thoughts landed in the past yet again, especially after the erotic shower scene had pulled him to the present.
He was usually okay, well, whatever okay really meant. It took a lot to get his mind to slip like that. But those pills. Damn those pills.
And it was this crazy night that led him to make the split-second decision to touch her. Wrong or right, he wasn’t so sure, but he’d done it. Fueled by anger and pain, yes. But also driven by the feelings he’d developed for her far too fast for his comfort.
Finn carefully lowered himself to sit on the bed, a hand to his chest as he did so.
The dull, achy throb ratcheted up a notch.
Thank God he’d already been numb by the time he had to ride that camel because the side-to-side swaying motions of the enormous beast would’ve made him feel worse.
Emotionally and physically numb. It’d become an art form he’d perfected over the years.
Lost a friend during the war. Numb.
IED. Fucking numb.
Marcus, Bravo Three, dying at the hands of terrorists. Numb, numb, numb.
Throw in some humor about anything and everything to hide the fact he was numb? Check.
Until little by little, over the last six months, the numbness had begun to fade.
Everyone on Echo Team had been seeing a therapist, a strength-in-numbers kind of thing to support Chris with his PTSD, and it turned out Finn was benefiting from the help, too.
After the op went sideways tonight, he was worried he was on the verge of slipping back into his old routine—numbness hidden by humor.
In that shower, Julia somehow saved him from losing himself.
He felt a connection with her, and it scared the hell out of him.
But he would inevitably hurt her because of his job. And she admitted she couldn’t be with someone like him, so while she might have felt spectacular in his arms and helped ease his pain, he couldn’t risk hurting her.
He refused to add another layer of guilt to what he already wore.
So, no touching her again. He needed to erase the memories of the shower from his mind. Forget what she sounded like when she came. How her naked body felt beneath his palm.
She got off, and I’ve got painful balls. And now I need to focus on giving her the help she really needs.
Moving on would be a hell of a lot easier if what he felt for this woman was purely physical, but he knew it ran so much deeper than that. She was more than just an assignment despite how she came into his life for the second time.
Harper may have had the best of intentions when she tried setting them up, but she didn’t know about Julia’s issues, and only Roman knew about Finn’s.
Scratch that. Jessica and Luke knew his past, but they were unaware of the fact that he still carried it with him like a rucksack on his back everywhere he went.
Finn rose from the bed just as Julia walked out of the bathroom wearing white cotton shorts and an oversized pink sweatshirt.
Fuck. All thoughts of forgetting her vanished as he gave in and allowed his gaze to dip over her tan, silky legs.
He wanted to drop to his knees and devour her, lose himself in her again.
Feel something other than the numbness that was slowly creeping back in.
“Hi.” The little word floated with unease from her lips. She was nervous, probably unsure how to act after what they did in the shower.
It’d honestly be better if she went back to pretending as though she hated him, even if her attitude had made his dick stir. Then again, everything about Julia made his dick stir.
He took a step closer, desperate to wrap his arms around her, but stopped when Julia flattened her back to the wall next to the open bathroom door as if she sensed his intentions.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I shared what I did. I honestly don’t know what came over me.” Her hands slipped behind her back as if she needed to pin them down to prevent reaching for him.
She was so damn adorable that he couldn’t fight the few dangerous steps he took her way.
“People have a tendency to tell me their secrets. It happens,” he admitted, his body feeling heavy again, weighed down by memories and guilt.
“That can be a burden. Being a secret keeper.” Her blue eyes held him captive as he remained a good ten feet away, hoping that was far enough to keep himself from pulling her into his arms and kissing her like he’d wanted to do in the shower. “People must trust you, though.”
That hit him like a brick to the face. Or a bullet to the chest. He reached up and set a hand on his pec where he’d been shot. “Maybe they shouldn’t.”
He was about to turn and escape to the balcony, but she said, “Tell me a secret, then. Help me lift whatever burden it is I see you carrying.”
“My problems are mine. You have enough on your plate.” He slipped his hands into his pockets, still worried he’d go to her, the same way it appeared she needed to pin her arms behind her back to keep from reaching for him.
“Can you tell me what happened out there?” Her tone was gentle, almost like she hoped to coax the truth out of him.
“Are you asking if I think what went down might be connected to Oliver?” Speaking of Oliver, Finn needed to hear the full story to determine whether the dots did connect, but he’d wait until Harper was in the room.
“No.” She freed her hands and came closer, which had him drawing in an uneasy breath. “I’m asking because I care about you. Something obviously shook you out in that desert, and I want you to tell me what it was.”
“Why do you need to know? You hated me up until we arrived in Egypt. Maybe even until five minutes ago.”
“You know full well that was an act to drive you away. I had no idea my friend set me up, and she’s the reason my brother hired you. I was worried you’d get in my way, so I wanted you to ditch me.”
Friend, huh? His brows lifted in surprise.
She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth for a split second, eyes falling to the floor. “I’ll explain everything like I should have done a long time ago.” Her shoulders dropped, and he recognized that look.
Guilt.
He didn’t want her to feel guilty.
“Julia.” He couldn’t bring himself to call her Jewels again.
It’d happened on a whim during an intimate moment, and he needed to separate himself from that now.
He wished like hell he could be the man Julia deserved, the man she needed.
The only man he was pretty sure he’d ever be was an operator, though. A Forever Single Guy. “You—”
“It’s me,” Harper called out while knocking, and Julia’s face fell as if disappointed by the interruption.
“It’s better you share with her here, anyway,” Finn said as he went to the door.
“We need to talk,” Harper announced as she strode into the room while throwing her hair into a ponytail. She was sporting a new tee, one of her signature ones that had Finn surprisingly smiling. Her black T-shirt said, I have a “WTF is wrong with people” moment at least 4 x’s a day.
“Why do I feel like I should sit down?” Julia asked hesitantly.
“You might want to do that,” Harper replied softly.
He couldn’t handle the suspense any longer. “What is it?”
“Well, the good news is that I accessed the doctor’s files, and there’s a treasure trove of bad guys on there that multiple nations will be happy to go after.
And some women, too, actually,” Harper said, leaving out the main subject Julia was interested in, which had Finn worried.
“The bad news is that Tariq is already on the move. He must have heard about what happened with—” She stopped mid-sentence and cut a look to Finn, silently questioning how much Julia knew about the op.
“He’s gone. His private plane took off ten minutes ago.
Still scheduled to arrive in Dubai, just earlier than planned. ”
“Have we been able to verify who was killed here tonight? Was it the doc and his assistant?” Finn glanced at Julia, who was now seated on the bed, hands firmly on her thighs as though she were preparing herself for the first big drop of a roller coaster.