Chapter 5
CHAPTER
FIVE
CALEB
I threw the rest of my stuff into my bag and locked my door, then shoved my keys into my back pocket and rushed to meet him. I had an extra bounce in my step as I approached his truck with the big-ass tires. I told myself my excitement had to do with the job and nothing to do with Captain Smack. My pulse quickened as he waved.
I glanced away and studied the truck. The truck had bright-colored emergency logos emblazoned on the side and solar panels affixed to the roof. It looked ready for battle. A small travel trailer was hooked up to the long truck bed. There would no doubt be a rotation for deployment once we arrived. Cal Fire and Emergency typically ran twenty-four hours on and twenty-four hours off. You worked your twenty-four and then had a few hours of preparation to get your vehicle ready to go for the next twenty-four…but it was only dawning on me now how cramped the living quarters would be with Captain Smack and me.
As I slid into the passenger seat, throwing my duffle into the back seat, Smack’s scent filled my nostrils, mixing with the burnt bean smell of gas station coffee.
“Morning,” Smack said gruffly. He nodded at the two cups in the cup holders between us. “Got you a coffee, though not sure how you take it. There’s cream and sugar in the center console.”
“Thanks. I like it light. You?”
“Black.”
Somehow, that didn’t come as a surprise.
I picked at the edge of my Styrofoam cup, searching for something to make conversation as he pulled the truck out of my apartment complex. “You been awake long?”
Smack grunted and took a sip of coffee rather than replying.
“The truck is dope,” I tried once more. “Did you know we’d get such a nice one? I expected a beat-up model, not this.”
“It’ll do.” He pressed his lips together and glanced away from me.
Guess that was the end of that conversation.
We drove for a while in silence. The scenery soon went from strip malls to desert as we traveled along the highway out of Phoenix. Some of the bigger cacti had flowers, some not. But I’d always found the desert beautiful…if lonely.
An hour into our drive, with barely more than a few words exchanged, I turned on the radio. Captain Smack immediately turned it off.
“Oh.” I shifted in my seat. “Did you want to talk?”
“Talk?” Captain Smack repeated. He blinked at me as if I’d confused him. “No need.”
“If you dislike the radio, I can change to my Spotify. I got a great country rock and blues playlist. You have to hear the latest Chris Stapleton song?—”
“No, I don’t.” Captain Smack took an audible breath, then released it, keeping his eyes fixed out the window. “I just prefer silence over that.”
“What about when Erin’s with you? Is it silent then?”
“It’s an endless CD of Kidz Bop .”
“Ah. Gotcha.” Smothering a smile, I let the music thing go. Even if he was missing out on some great tunes, silence it would be.
“Maybe I am missing Erin,” Smack confessed in a low voice. “She’s in Seattle visiting Dan’s parents for a few weeks this summer. Her plane probably just landed.”
My brows rose since Smack rarely offered anything personal. “Why not call her now?” I suggested.
“Now?” His brow furrowed.
“Yes.” I held up his phone with a flourish. “We have the technology. I assume you know about Bluetooth?”
Smack flushed. “Right. I was going to wait until she settled in, but…um…” He glanced at me. “You think I should? I don’t want to be the overprotective dad, but…fuck, I’m the overprotective dad.” He hit Dial on the steering wheel. “Call Iris.” He glanced at me. “My mother-in-law.”
“Sean!” she answered quickly. “We just left the airport.”
“Can I talk to Erin?”
“Of course. Hold on one sec.” Iris called for Erin, and there was the muffled sound of the phone being handed over.
“Hi, Daddy.”
Smack’s entire face gentled at the sound of her voice. “Hi, honey bunny. How was the flight?”
“I got soda.”
“What kind?”
“Ginger ale.”
“What else?”
“It was fun. And bumpy,” Erin said.
“Oh? Great.” Smack’s smile went tight. I wanted to squeeze his hand in reassurance. She’d survived any turbulence, obviously.
I settled on patting his shoulder. He glanced at me for a second, then let out a slow breath.
“And guess what? Gramps, Gram, Ashley, Tyler, and Aunt Rose all came to get me at the airport!”
A chorus of voices shouted hello to Smack. Some were older, some young.
“Hey,” he said. “Thanks for looking out for Erin.”
“Oh my God, we love her,” Iris replied.
“Are you lonely, Daddy?” Erin chimed in. “Without me?”
Smack paused, his mouth grimacing. But when he spoke, his tone was even, tender. “I miss you so much. But I’m excited for you to be in Seattle. And I’m on a road trip of my own. Remember, I told you I was going to a wildfire?”
“With your friend Caleb?”
“Yep.” Smack darted a glance my way. “With my friend Caleb.”
“He’s nice,” Erin said. “Daddy, can I get my ears pierced in Seattle? Ashley has the cutest hoops.”
“No way,” Smack said, almost cheerfully. Saying no wasn’t an issue for him.
I bet my whole paycheck it was saying “yes” Smack had issues with.
“What? Please? Tell him to say yes, Grandma Iris.”
“It’s up to your dad.”
“Daddy?”
“Still a no.”
“Ashley loves hers.”
“Cousin Ashley’s three years older. So, no dice.”
“Okay,” Erin sighed dramatically. “But we’ll talk about it later.”
“What a future lawyer,” a woman laughed.
“Not a lawyer, Aunt Rosie. I’m going to be a trombonist-firefighter. Or an influencer.”
“A what?” Smack appeared rattled. “You’re not allowed on social media.”
“I mean when I am allowed. Oh! We’re at the house. Call you later, Daddy? ’Kay?”
“Sure, you must be tired. Love you, honey bunny.” Smack’s voice became rough. He blinked his eyes hard.
“Love you!” Erin chirped before hanging up.
“Thanks for suggesting the call.” Smack glanced at me. His lips tugged into a sweet smile. “I needed to hear her voice.”
“I’m sure. You got a future trombonist-firefighter to look after.”
“It changes each week. But I’d prefer she not follow my path and find her own. Firefighters live a tough life, you know that.”
“Yeah, but so do influencers.”
He chuckled. “I’m still not totally sure how they make any money.”
“Your dad was a fire captain, too? I think somebody mentioned it?”
“True. And he did encourage me, along with two of my uncles. How about you?” Smack asked, seemingly chattier after his conversation with his kid. “None of your family was on the job?”
“No. My dad was in sales. I imagined doing that. I liked his suits, I remember, and the smell of his cigar. But he moved us all around when I was younger, chasing this job or that. My sisters and I were so close partly ’cause of all the moving.”
“That doesn’t sound ideal.”
“It was all right.” I gave him a smile. It had been tough, but my parents hadn’t asked our opinion about it. “Me being the youngest, I was able to make everybody laugh with my silliness when things got too much. I got good at making them feel better.”
“But who made you feel better?”
“I dealt with it.” I let out an awkward laugh.
“Childhood screwed us all, right? I worry about that with Erin,” Smack admitted.
“Some childhoods more than others. But even with the bouncing around, I had a good childhood.” My jaw flexed. “I didn’t know what I wanted at first when I became an adult. I went to college and majored in physics, actually. I enjoyed the theories, but I couldn’t see myself working in the field. But then I did this volunteer work at a hospital, and I drifted into the idea of maybe becoming an EMT. Eventually, it became about firefighting for me.” I cleared my throat. “But my sisters and parents did worry for me. They all wanted me to stay in physics. “
“Do you ever regret the decision?” he asked quietly as the road ahead stretched out before us.
“Not for a moment. I love it. The job, the firehouse. All of it.”
“Same.”
Our eyes met briefly, and a shiver ran through me.
Smack wet his lower lip and then glanced away. “See, you were certain, just like me. Meant to be a firefighter.”
His firm words replayed in my head. We’d never spoken like this, yet it felt as if Smack saw right through me. I felt every syllable down to my core. And a greedy part of me longed to have him say it again, in that patient, confident way he had. That I was a firefighter, through and through. That I belonged.
“My family took some convincing, before my accident and especially after,” I admitted in a rush. “But I wouldn’t change my mind.”
“I’m not surprised,” he said, and I heard a smile in his voice.
“They came around, mostly…I understand why they worry. And I’m lucky to have two great families. My biological one and the station house one.”
I fiddled with my phone, nervous to say more, sliding small glances at him. If we were a family, Smack was the head of it. I wanted his respect. His trust.
“And your boyfriend, Tanner, does he worry?” Smack asked.
“Tanner and I broke up,” I blurted. “A month ago, actually.”
“What?” His gaze swiveled to mine. He looked thunderstruck. “But at the wedding…”
“Yeah, he showed up without asking me. He does that sort of shit when we break up. Calls me a lot or acts like the breakup never even occurred. Sometimes, I’ve gone back to it…” I said, averting my eyes from where his gaze still bored into me. “We actually split before Phin and James’ wedding. I dumped him. For good this time.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “Anyhow, he’s gone.”
“Good. You’re way too good for him,” Smack muttered under his breath.
Did he actually say those words? It might have been something else. My heart pounded like a drum. “Excuse me?” I asked carefully. “What did you say?”
“Nothing.” He shook his head. “Just that Tanner’s not a good…firefighter.”
I cleared my throat. “And he wasn’t so great as a boyfriend either.”
“I imagine not,” Smack snorted. “Not that it’s my business.”
I shrugged.
“Sorry if I spoke out of turn. I know shit about dating these days. And I have no plans to find out.”
Right. My heart fell a little. The closeness I felt was all one-sided. Not real.
So I shouldn’t…want him .
It was too big of a slippery slope.
SMACK
This was torture.
As we drove down the winding road, Caleb’s presence beside me continually pulled my focus. He wasn’t wrong to say the firehouse was a second family. I thought of all my employees as my family and always had. The problem was the looks Caleb gave me didn’t feel familial. And worse, I always noticed him…noticing me. I had a pang deep in my chest, thinking about being the focus of his chatter, flushed face, sweet warmth. I hoped to have more moments where we were just talking. Which was ridiculous because I shouldn’t be hoping for anything. But Caleb? He was like nobody else I’d ever met. So much to give, so naturally kind and friendly, yet so deeply hurt… I wanted to kiss him, hold him. Take that hurt away.
The direction of my thoughts rattled me. At the station, I avoided being alone with him. Or I could convince myself he wasn’t looking at me in that way. Or that I didn’t want to eye-fuck him back.
We were no longer making conversation, and I avoided looking his way. Still, I could feel his gaze on me. We were going to be trapped together for days. I was afraid he might start to flirt with me for real…and then what? Caleb was all sloppy emotions. If he was happy, he laughed. Sad, he might sigh dramatically. He was all enthusiasm most days, all sparkling, brilliant energy. No burn scars had stopped Caleb’s shine. Only Tanner—the asshole—had. I was glad he finally seemed rid of the guy.
“Have you traveled much?” Caleb asked. “Even for work, I do love a road trip. I loved this one trip to Utah with my family, even though my sisters fought with each other half the ride. If you could go anywhere in the world—money and time not a problem—where would you pick? I’d go to Asia. It must be so different there. Oh, or Africa and do a safari.” He leaned closer. “There’s no place that calls to you?”
“Any place with silence.” I said it as a joke, but I saw immediately he took it wrong. One minute, he’d been laughing, and the next, I’d hurt his feelings. Caleb withdrew, scrunching his body against the window.
Okay, it was official. I was a jerk.
“I mean, as a dad, I crave some silence. That’s all.” I attempted a brief smile, my tone softer. “All I need is some silence and a really good bed to be on vacation.”
“Yeah, makes sense.” Caleb brightened, his eyes dancing. “But one day, when you’ve had enough silence, I’m playing Chris Stapleton for you. His voice will make you melt.”
“Um…” I was already melting.
“So, music or no music?”
I gripped the wheel. “No music.”
“Okay.” Caleb held up his hand. “Your loss.”
I winced. It was my loss in more ways than he knew. But I had a job to focus on, a kid. I didn’t need some heart-melting country song playing with Caleb right next to me.
“No surprise, really, you’re not…”
“What?”
“Forget it.” Caleb shrugged.
“No, what were you going to say?”
Caleb groaned. “Sorry, Captain, you’re just not a music type. That’s all I meant.”
My mouth fell open. Closed.
“Fine,” I mumbled. “I’m a silent type.”
I looked over at him, and we locked eyes.
Caleb offered a weak smile. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you.”
I winced. “Like you said, I’m just not a music type.”
But the lie came out in a rough voice. I liked music as much as the next guy. But I didn’t want to listen to Caleb’s favorite songs and have me thinking of him whenever they played. It was because of how desperately I wanted to get close to Caleb. I imagined pressing my lips to his. My body went warm at the thought, and my breath tightened. Add a fucking love song to this equation?
No, thanks. I couldn’t do this. It was wrong to be thinking of Caleb this way or how cute he was. If I kissed him, I would not be gentle. It would consume me. Us. I didn’t do anything in half measures. Our mouths would crash together. And then—it would be complicated. Too real, too fast, too everything.
I had Erin to think about above all else. I scrubbed a hand over my face. I looked away from him, trying to stop my racing thoughts. I tried like hell to summon memories of Dan. Or think about Erin’s messy room, waiting for me to clean. Anything other than desiring a person I shouldn’t want. Couldn’t have…
The silence was so loud it was punishing. I should have agreed to Caleb’s music after all.
A while later, we stopped for gas. Caleb went inside the convenience store with me, loading up on snacks as I paid for the gas.
“Want a drink or anything?” I offered, moving toward the juice section.
“A Sprite, please.”
Nodding, I grabbed Caleb’s soda and an iced tea for myself. Caleb carried his bag full of snacks as we headed back to the truck. I glanced over at the overflowing plastic bag. “Did you leave any candy inside the store?”
“Nope, all for me. I skipped breakfast.” He grinned before putting a licorice stick between his lips. I had to look away before my thoughts ran away with me again.
“We can get more food? A turkey wrap? Or a burger?” I asked.
“This is good.”
We piled into the truck and got on the road once more. I tried to ignore Caleb’s scent, like oranges and sunshine.
“You really should have protein.”
God, why was my stupid mouth running? He was a grown man. If we weren’t fighting fires yet, it wasn’t my business.
Caleb raised his eyebrows as if he agreed with my silent assessment. “Thanks, but I never eat much before noon. Besides, I love sugar. Maybe that’s why Halloween is my all-time favorite holiday. I love the candy and the costumes, always have. And I already have the mask.” He jerked a thumb toward his face.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Make those jokes where you put yourself down.”
“Humor helps.” Caleb shrugged.
His scars and burns were cruel in the light, the mottled skin and patches of scars a telling map of Caleb’s pain. I didn’t see it as destroyed flesh, marring his incredibly handsome face down the middle. But I doubted Caleb would agree—it was how he saw himself. That Beauty and Beast nonsense. My heart sank. He wouldn’t believe me if I even had the courage to tell him.
I swallowed the sadness in my throat like a brick. “Why make such hurtful jokes about yourself?”
Caleb sighed. “’Cause if I don’t laugh at it, I’d let the depression take over. Especially during my rehab, I used gallows humor to get through it.” He drummed his fingers on the dashboard. “It’s a habit now.”
Depression? My brain zeroed in on the word. I hated to think of sunny and sweet Caleb depressed. But his recovery had been traumatic, the scars left on his face and neck visible proof of that. Somehow, though, I sensed he meant beyond the accident.
I was quiet for a long moment. “It seems like you’ve had reasons to be down. And habits are difficult to break. Like…I have a habit of saying no to things involving Erin. It takes me a few tries before I can be objective and say yes. And not jump to worry.” I paused. “We all want to avoid hurt or hurting other people we care about.”
“Yeah,” Caleb agreed.
I smiled at him. “I’ve always admired your strength. After the accident, when you applied for transfer to our firehouse, I wanted you with us.”
“Really?” Caleb leaned closer.
“Honest to God.”
“That helps. Thanks for telling me.” Caleb rubbed his face, the side without scars.
“Welcome.” I cleared my throat. “Does the depression get bad?”
“Sometimes. It’s more this feeling in my body. A tension that won’t release. I manage…” He trailed off.
“You can tell me more. And I promise to just listen without judgment.”
“I know you wouldn’t judge me.” Caleb bit his lip. “You’re always stern but fair. I’m just…trying to move forward.” After an awkward minute, Caleb sucked in a big breath. “And since we’re being honest with each other over things…I’ve always wanted to tell you that since day we met and you didn’t treat me like I was a pathetic victim or a lost cause, it really fucking helped me.” He stared at me. “So much.”
“Me?” I startled.
“Your guidance as my captain, your trust. I need you to know that every day working under you, it’s been a gift.”
“Caleb…I don’t know what to say to that.”
Caleb strangled a laugh. “Don’t say anything. It’s enough to finally be able to thank you for being such an awesome captain.”
“No, I should thank you, for being on the team…” I blew out a hard breath.
“I guess we just thanked each other?” Caleb offered a grin, his eyes sparkling.
Damn, I liked to see the sadness gone from his eyes. I got that his depression had flare-ups, and he might always have good or bad moments, but I suddenly wished I could make every second of his day a good moment. I wished I could show him he could trust himself. Like he so easily gave his trust to me.
Honestly, I was protective of all the firefighters under me, but I didn’t ever want to press myself closer to them, wrap my arm around them. Not like I did with Caleb.
Doesn’t matter.
I’d loved Dan, and he was gone. I had Erin to raise, my mother to look after. I didn’t have time for more.