Chapter 9
CHAPTER
NINE
SMACK
After my shower, I stepped cautiously into the trailer. I didn’t want to startle Caleb with a sudden entrance, so I called out his name.
“Here,” he answered with a small nod. His big brown eyes met mine and then skittered away. He was toweling his hair, the strands shiny. I wanted to bury myself in his hair and inhale.
“You were right about the soap.” I kept a grip on my toiletries. I was rooted to the spot near the trailer exit, giving Caleb the majority of the space.
“Told you.” He tossed his towel into the laundry basket.
Why wasn’t he looking at me? Did he sense I’d spent half my time in the showers scrubbing at my skin, the other half trying to ease my aching cock?
“Good to get the grime off,” I added softly.
If only it were just chemistry. But I recognized the SOS my heart was giving me.
“ We’ll be equally grimy tomorrow.” He pursed his lips.
Don’t kiss him. Don’t even think about it.
But it had been such a long time since I had thought about kissing anybody. I was so tired of being alone. I’d liked having a husband. Somebody who listened, who saw past insecurities, who saw me. My loneliness was like a shadow these days.
But can I risk my heart? Do I want to risk it?
I wanted to take Caleb in my arms, hold him close, make sure he was okay. That he was real and here and not gone before we’d had a chance at…whatever he’d give me. What if my world really could be less lonely? What if it could be full of possibilities?
There was a pause. I swallowed in the face of Caleb’s raw beauty. The bold swipes of scars along his cheek and jaw. The messy hair that skimmed his earlobes, still wet from his shower. I imagined running my fingers through the thick strands, smelling the shampoo?—
“I’m going to make tea.” Caleb brushed past me and began to fuss with a mug and tea bag. “It’s supposed to be good for sleeping. I forgot we had it. Thought I’d give it a try. Want some?”
“Please.”
He nodded, his eyes finally on mine, wide and vulnerable.
Did he see right through me? Know what I was thinking about doing? His eyes were always so warm and bright. He had this way about him, and it made me hopeful.
He was the change my heart yearned for, the thing missing in my life that would make me happiest. This wasn’t only about the frightening close call. I stared into his eyes, and that brightness propelled me across the trailer. I stood in front of him, set my bag on the floor, and took a breath, ready to lay it out there.
“I’m attracted to you.” My tone was blunt. “I think—are you attracted to me?”
Caleb choked.
“Fuck, are you okay?” I rushed to him, putting his mug of hot tea on the counter.
“Yeah,” he croaked. “I’m—fine.” He took a tight, wheezy breath. This time, his wheezing wasn’t due to the flashback PTSD.
“What did you just say?” His face was almost comical. “I think I misheard you.”
“I said that I’m attracted to you.” My voice dipped low. “And I am. And if you’ll consider me, I’d really like to have a chance.”
“Holy shit,” he breathed out, raising his eyebrows.
“So, is that a no?” I asked dryly.
Caleb was frozen, like a deer caught in the headlights.
My heart dropped. “Forget it. Okay?”
The moment held between us, a long, long, long pause, while I waited, losing confidence with each passing second, and he gaped at me.
Finally, he swallowed, shook himself, and buried his face in his hands. “I’m—um…”
Not interested. Or not interested enough to want to do anything about it. Or being clearheaded enough to realize that going any further could be a mistake.
Maybe that was smart. We worked together, after all. I was his superior.
“Okay,” I replied gruffly. “I’m sorry. I’m your captain. In all seriousness, I wouldn’t ever want you to feel uncomfortable.” I swallowed a giant lump in my throat. “It’s been a weird day, an emotional one. If I was out of line or in any way offended you, I apologize. It won’t ever happen again.”
Caleb didn’t reply. I gave a curt nod. Embarrassment coated me like a fresh layer of sweat. I didn’t want him to feel bad or awkward. Maybe we could pretend this conversation never happened. That was probably for the best.
I picked up my bag and motioned toward the bed. “I’m gonna turn in. Night, Caleb.”
“But…your tea.” He looked distressed.
“It’s fine. You can drink my cup or save it for tomorrow. Truth is, I’m more of a coffee drinker.”
“I can make some coffee. We have decaf somewhere.” Caleb glanced at the mug, unsure.
“Good night.”
Retreating into a darkened room, I quickly got ready, then climbed under the covers. I could feign sleep or scroll on my phone, facing away from him, giving him space. And maybe I’d stop feeling awkward by the morning. Or by the time we returned to Phoenix. Oh damn, I hoped he wouldn’t want to leave my station. I couldn’t imagine life there without Caleb to brighten it. Letting out a quiet sigh, I propped my arm under my head and closed my eyes. Maybe sleep would be kind and come early.
Sounds of Caleb’s footsteps pacing around the trailer, back and forth, up and down, filled the quiet. The door opened, then closed, and I worried for a moment that he’d decided to find somewhere else to sleep. Just as I sat up to go after him, the door opened again.
Relieved, I lay down, closed my eyes, and waited. I hoped I hadn’t made things too awkward for him.
The footsteps came closer, followed by Caleb’s breathing and clothes rustling.
Then the mattress dipped, and he climbed in beside me. My heart leapt, and my dick did, too.
Caleb shifted closer, his breath caressing my ear. “I didn’t mean to avoid your question before.”
“Why did you?”
He inhaled sharply. “I was scared, but…”
“But?”
“But I am attracted to you. I have been for a long time. But are you honestly attracted to this?”
Slowly, I turned to look at Caleb, his ruined, beautiful face there for my inspection. He’d tucked his hair behind his ears, brushed it off his forehead, letting the scars show. His eyes were lit with pain.
I didn’t hesitate. Even if I wanted to resist, my heart was in charge. A tenderness overcame me. I raised my hand to his cheek and rested it there, letting my fingers caress the warm skin, then gently brushed my lips across his.
After a shocked second, Caleb moaned and kissed me back. We fumbled at each other, a bit frantic. Like two lost people seeking answers from each other’s bodies. I grunted, craving his lips, stumbling a little with him as we locked mouths. Hot and heavy, the kisses filled me with unknown joy. Our lips pressed together, and then Caleb’s mouth parted, and he made a soft noise. Our chests knocked against each other. We were a bit clumsy as we groped, but the kiss was hot and urgent. Ecstatic. I couldn’t stop.
We devoured each other, clinging to each other, kissing even more.
Filled with need, I sucked at his tongue. Gently, at first, and then with more insistence. Caleb gasped, and then he wrapped his arms tightly around me and welcomed the kiss.
He was magnetic to me. His small sounds, the tilt of his mouth, the stroke of his tongue. All of him—his whole essence—led me to only want more. Had I ever felt this hungry for a kiss? Christ. The more we touched, the more I craved. My heart soared like an airplane into the sky. I was panting, so much I might burst, but it only made me kiss Caleb harder, longer. The kiss made me want to shout or laugh, where there had only been silence before. I was coming alive in a way I wasn’t prepared for.
I loved the feeling of his mouth on mine, loved the fresh noises coming from him, knowing I was the cause. With a moan, Caleb moved to straddle me, and I held his weight on my lap. Goose bumps went through me, and I immediately got hard as hell.
“Please,” Caleb whispered.
Before I could reply, we were kissing desperately again.
The rhythm of our kiss deepened. I was rougher than I normally kissed, but Caleb didn’t seem to mind. In fact, if his grinding into me was any indication, he liked it. His taste drove me insane. There was nothing more exciting to me than pleasing somebody else, and my fucking cock ached to do just that to Caleb.
“Jesus,” I growled at his lips. I took control of the kiss, even though I was barely holding on. My nerve endings were strained. A soft curse escaped my lips, but then I was kissing him again, pressing my tongue to his, licking at his every moan as our breaths grew louder.
Caleb quaked in my arms, and he gripped at my chest.
“My turn,” he said in a raspy voice.
He yanked me closer, slamming his lips onto mine. Good God, Caleb knew how to kiss. My muscles turned to Jell-O at his command. Guttural cries came from some place deep inside of me. My dick was leaking. I wanted him so much, pure bolts of lust going to my poor cock.
Caleb was in charge of the kiss now. He gave as good as he got.
It was a surprise, but it shouldn’t have been. I knew Caleb’s strength, his character. Heat pulsed in my veins. I didn’t care anymore if I led the kiss or he did; we were equally involved. My tongue tangled with his. I swallowed a moan, and Caleb did, too, as I tugged at his lower lip with my teeth.
This was sweet torment.
“Oh, God,” Caleb muttered.
I licked the seam of his lip in answer.
I wanted to kiss him in every way imaginable. And everywhere imaginable. Desire spiraled through me. Heat and need. Our kissing grew sloppy, our breaths ragged. Fuck, it was all so good. So good it nearly broke me. Caleb shuddered, as if he felt the same, and our kissing softened.
I let my hand glide slowly down his chest. I didn’t want to break our connection; I wanted to remain tethered to him. We stared long and deeply at each other.
Caleb’s flustered face, reddened by his blush, had me smiling. He brought out a lot of my smiles. I was used to being stoic or grumpy around most people, especially on the job. But how could I not grin at him all pink-cheeked and panting?
Slowly, Caleb traced my smile with a finger. I held still, understanding this might be a test of some kind, wanting desperately to pass it.
Our breath mingled. We lay on our sides, our faces close. I kissed him slowly this time, exploring the shape of his mouth, the sweet taste of his tongue. I cupped his cheek in one hand, my thumb caressing the patches of skin. I teased his tongue with mine. Caleb whimpered softly, and something warm and wet landed on my fingers.
I reared back, ending the kiss. “Are you crying? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. You really wanted to kiss me.” Caleb’s eyes filled.
“Hell yes. Why wouldn’t I? Kissing you is all I’ve thought about for hours.” I hugged him. “And it’s even better than I could have imagined.”
“That’s so…damn nice.” Caleb burst into tears.
Confused, I gathered him into my arms, offering a safe harbor. He sniffled at my chest, crying softly. I rocked him for a long moment until Caleb calmed.
“After my accident, when my face was damaged like it is, Tanner hated kissing me.” He lifted his head off my shoulder and peeked up at me. “Nobody has kissed me like this in a long time. I almost forgot what a kiss felt like…” His shoulders tensed.
“I’m sorry.” I fought an urge to yell or punch a wall. At the same time, I equally wanted to take care of Caleb, massage his shoulders, ease his tension.
“It’s okay.” Caleb shrugged.
“It’s not okay,” I said. “That’s shit of him. How about this is the last time you waste any tears on Tanner?”
“A fucking fabulous idea. “
“Yeah, I have a good idea every decade or so.”
We laughed, but Caleb’s voice was still laced with sadness.
He reached out and stroked my face, jaw, down the column of my throat. My pulse raced at his touch, even as he simply rested his hand there.
“I’m exhausted. Can we continue talking in the morning?”
I reached out and brushed a strand of his hair off his forehead. “We can do whatever you want.” I felt a little foolish. Being this giddy over a kiss at my age, well… Yet at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to smile into Caleb’s lovely eyes, keep him close to me. I wanted this deep joy for myself…for him.
He touched the tips of his fingers once more to my lips and sighed. He rolled to one side, curling against me. “Look out the window. Despite the smoke, I see some stars.”
I obeyed, looking out the window. The sky was a dark purple like a bruise, but Caleb was right about a few stars’ light coming through. I wasn’t used to focusing on the light. I stared at the stars, wondering what tomorrow might bring. Things could change in a flash.
Caleb shifted to take my hand, his body still pressed to mine. He fell quiet. I wondered what he was thinking about, but I hadn’t the nerve to ask him.
My hand felt warm laced with Caleb’s. How easily we fit without meaning to. I’d tried to resist him, worried it might be a mistake. Time would tell. But for now, there was Caleb’s hand in mine, the stars’ hopeful light, and the quiet promise of the dark. I snuggled closer to Caleb, closing my eyes.
Caleb slept deeply, but I woke a few times. I hadn’t shared a space with somebody since Dan. I wrapped my arms around Caleb, pressing tighter against him. I hadn’t wanted to hold anybody this way in so long, but I wanted to hold Caleb.
Cuddling him like this was like stealing heaven. He fit so perfectly against me. I breathed in his scent, pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck. I nuzzled that tender spot where his neck met his earlobe.
Caleb’s plump ass nestled into me, and it would be so easy to wake him. My body throbbed for that sweet release I’d find deep inside Caleb’s snug little hole. I could imagine how hot and tight he’d be for me. But no…this had to be taken slowly, carefully.
Wanting to hold him, allowing myself to do that much, was already so big a step. I put my head close to the top of Caleb’s. Breathed in the scent of his hair, his skin. Breathed in the possibility of being with him. Tanner was a total fool, and I was a lucky bastard.
Outside was total quiet. You’d never know a fire was raging in the distance. Soon, we’d be out there in the blaze, risking our lives, trying to make a difference once again.
And when we returned from all of this? What then? I’ve been telling myself for years not to get involved with anybody. Not to mention, there was what happened with Dan… Could I start again with someone new? Did I deserve to?
I shut my eyes, not wanting to think about it.
Maybe I needed to let go a little. The same way Caleb needed to let go of Tanner. My Dan hadn’t been an asshole, far from it, but his ghost was too close. How to do this, I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I wanted this chance. I didn’t want to lose anymore.