Eli #4
“I mean...we’re both good-looking guys,” he said, his voice not quite sleepy but not completely lucid either.
He must have been riding the line between drunken sleep and drunken wakefulness, which I’d only seen him do once when we’d been living together, on our own for the first time, and had bought liquor for ourselves.
I thought he’d passed out, but instead he began rambling about anything that popped into his head.
That was when I learned that his first boyfriend had cheated on him, and ever since then, Milo had been super careful not to get too attached.
I’d learned that he was still furious and hurt that Marty had kept knowledge of his father from him, that he was worried we were going to end up having to crawl back to the hotel.
So many other private, little thoughts and fears that he usually kept locked in his head.
Things that found a way out in the cracks between sleep and wakefulness, while there was plenty of alcohol running through his system.
God, what kind of revelations would I get if that were the case?
I had to consider if I should stop him because the last time, there had been a whole lot of things I knew Milo had been horrified he’d spilled the beans about.
I had to tell him what he said because he didn’t remember a single piece of that conversation.
Horror had been transfixed on his face when I’d told him some of the stuff he’d said, and even then, I had kept some of it to myself.
Weirdly, it felt almost like his drunken self had violated the trust of his sober self, and telling him some of the secrets his drunk self had told had been a little too much for me.
“I guess we are,” I said slowly, thoughts racing as I tried to figure out whether I should stop him.
On the one hand, it could be nothing but the mindless rambling of a drunk goofball who tended to be more laid-back about things other people considered serious.
On the other hand, he could be about to tell me things he would rather keep to himself.
The real question was, how much did I want to know if it was the second?
“And I mean…” his voice was clearer the more he spoke, but he still had the same laid-back, casual air. “I don’t know what you’re like in the bedroom. Never really asked you about that.”
“Which is weird, since you have no problem asking other people about that sort of thing,” I threw out, apparently deciding to see where he was going. God, was that wrong?
“It’s different with you...always has been.”
“Which is still weird because you do just fine with so many other things with me.”
“Yeah...I guess. But it’s...you.”
“Would it make you feel better if I pretended that made complete sense?”
“Asshole,” he snorted, his fingers on my hip now playing along the bone as if trying to find his next words there. “It’s like...the same reason I can’t talk about sex stuff with you is the same reason I tried to avoid seeing you naked.”
“I’m starting to wonder if this is a good or bad conversation to be having right now,” I said, my conscience starting to do more than just twinge.
“S’okay,” he murmured. “I tell you everything, you don’t judge me.”
“That’s true. Not where it counts anyway.”
“Yeah, like you judge me for pineapple on pizza.”
“Because that’s a crime against nature.”
“And for liking neon clothes.”
“Which is a crime against my abused eyes.”
“But not because I’m a bit of a ho or have shallow relationships with guys.”
“Yeah, definitely not going to judge you for having some fun in the way you want.”
“So you wouldn’t judge me for the fact that the reason I don’t talk about sex stuff or fight like hell not to see you naked is because I want to.”
“You...want to?”
“Talk about that stuff. See you.”
“See me...naked?”
“Yeah.”
It was said with such a casual air, at complete odds with the weight behind it.
A weight that rapidly grew as I felt it hurtling toward my core.
Milo continued to lie there, the brushing of his fingers slow, his breathing even.
Both of which were taking on an entirely different meaning than before, and I felt my breath catch as the verbal and emotional meteor Milo had flung at me crashed with the kind of force that would have made the extinction of the dinosaurs look pitiful in comparison.
“You...” I had to force myself to take a breath, keeping it as subtle and careful as possible, not to send him into a panic.
He might be fine at the moment, but if his drunken brain made the connections, especially understanding the full scope and implication of what he’d just said, he would lose his mind, “don’t want anything to do with those things.
..because you do want something to do with those things? ”
“Yeah,” he said in the same tone that told me he still didn’t know the revelation he’d just divulged. “It just seems...easier not to deal with something if you...don’t deal with it. I don’t have to think too much about shit that’s been bothering me forever if I don’t keep tempting fate.”
“Shit, that’s been bothering you?”
“Yeah, man. Like...wanting to see you naked. Wanting to be naked with you while you’re naked. And...stuff.”
“Stuff,” I repeated because my mind still tried to process what he was saying. Which was a lot easier said than done because Milo...was attracted to me. “Sexual stuff?”
“Oh yeah,” he said as if he was a little surprised I didn’t know something simple, like the fact that he preferred the taste of butter substitute over the real stuff.
“Probably parts of it have been there since before puberty, but like...in that way that happens before puberty steps in and makes it all weird, difficult, and then sexual. But yeah, all sorts of stuff. I might not have figured it out except for when I walked in after you got out of the shower.”
I suppose it shouldn’t have been a surprise that that memory stuck out to him, considering what he was telling me, but it still caught me by surprise.
Mostly, because I knew precisely what event he was talking about.
There had been zero hesitation in remembering that on my part when it probably shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. So why was it a big deal?
“And, oh God ,” he said with a heavy sigh, flopping one of his legs across mine and pushing his lower body against me. “Last week? Seeing you with Eva? I’ve been fighting for my life to keep that image out of my head.”
“That’s...why you were acting kind of off about the whole thing,” I said slowly, the whole thing making a lot more sense. “Kind of like how you didn’t want the other stuff, because you did want it.”
“Yeppers,” he said brightly. “And I was really good about it this time.”
“Good how?”
“Like, I didn’t let that image get into my head too much, and when it did, I didn’t take care of it myself. I decided the best way to deal with it was to call Raf and go take it out on him.”
“Take...take it out?” I repeated and then cleared my throat, voice sounding rough. “You mean like...getting off?”
“Oh yeah,” he said with a little laugh. “I mean, who could blame me? It’s like.
..you’re hot, like stupidly hot, to me anyway.
Always thought so, but I try not to think about it too much because it gets really distracting and that would be.
..wrong, because it’s not like that between us and like.
..I don’t know, but it probably shouldn’t be like that either.
But I still think it more than I want to.
You’re just hot, and then I walk in and there you are, butt naked, nice butt in the air, and then you stood up and I saw everything .
Like, everything. Rock hard everything. So, hell yeah, I had to go deal with that in a good way, ya know?
It’s not bad if you have a major thing for someone else if you use that to be with the person you’re supposed to be into, right? ”
“I...yeah,” I agreed lamely, my mouth dry.
“And I mean, that was after Raf and I agreed to let each other screw around and be with other people if we want,” he rambled off. “But that night? Yeah, no, I needed to take care of that as fast as possible because...hot.”
I had heard Milo talk about being into other people, but always in a way where sex was insinuated, but you never really caught sight of anything sexual.
Like yes, he might mention that he’d sleep with someone, but there was no real lust in his voice, no heat in his eyes.
Compared to now, when he was absently discussing how hot he considered the sight of me nude and hard.
I didn’t have to see his face to know that he was actively feeling sexual.
It was in his voice, a rawness and...need I had never heard there before, making its absence in all the other times he’d talked about being attracted to guys all the more apparent.
“Have you...” I trailed off as my mind, slipping in multiple directions, came to a grinding halt. I had to force myself to breathe and focus, to figure out what was bringing my thoughts to a bone-jarring stop.
Oh.
Oh shit.
He was hard.
Not just hard but hard . Pressed up against me to the point that it was fucking amazing I hadn’t noticed before because I was now intimately aware of the fact that Milo had every right to be a top if he so desired because he was.
..respectable. I had no idea what I should feel at that understanding, but I certainly felt something warm flash through me, and I panicked, wondering if I should push him away.
Doing that would definitely make him aware of what was happening, and it was something he had avoided for years, from the sounds of it, but what would letting it continue mean?