Milo #3
Marshall’s mouth gave a wry twist. “Would you prefer I tell you that it doesn’t matter what we say, you’re going to feel like shit?
We could be nice and forgiving, and you’d tell us why you deserve to feel like shit.
We could yell at you, and you’ll tell us you already feel bad.
We could just sit here, and you’d tell us to leave because you feel like shit.
And it’s because, shocking, I know, you feel like shit.
And you know what? You should feel like shit.
You weren’t honest with Raf; you hid things from everyone else, and when shit finally hit the fan, you ran away and left people to worry about you, not knowing where or how you were.
And you left the one person who needed you most, the person you’ve been with for years, to handle things on his own at a time when being alone is the worst thing for both of you.
So yes, you feel like shit, and in a lot of ways you should feel like shit, but you’ve been doing that for three days without anyone bothering you, and it’s time you end the pity party for one and go have a pity party with the man who needs you right now. ”
Raf and I stared at him, me with my mouth hanging open in obvious shock, and God save me, it looked like Raf was impressed. And I don’t mean the typical kind of impressed, I mean the kind of impressed that happens right before someone asks if the other person wants to go get a drink later.
“Stop eye fucking my dad!” I snapped at Raf, turning away. “Fine, you know I feel like shit and think I should feel like shit, so what’s the point of being here?”
“Okay, so he laid out the groundwork better than I could because holy fuck did you listen to him,” Raf said with a laugh, and then his voice grew serious. “So I’m going to lead with talking about you and me real quick.”
I winced hard enough to feel my cheek muscle twitch. “Do we have to?”
“You told me nothing about what was going on, and then ran away before I could comfort you after I found out, so yeah, I think we do have to. You don’t even have to participate; you can sit there and listen. Might even save me from having to talk over your whining.”
“Whining?”
“You’re a dick, you know that? The only reason this isn’t worse is because our relationship was set up differently from others.
And yeah, I know we agreed that we didn’t have to tell the other person about other partners unless they asked, and could even go on dates, but you are smart enough to know that when it came to you and Eli, that was something else entirely. You should have told me.”
“What, that I was sleeping with Eli?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah, because it was just that easy.”
“Saying it would have been easy, it was the consequences you were hiding from, and that pisses me off. You’re not a coward, Milo, but that was the most chickenshit thing that you could have done. And makes me sound like an irrational asshole.”
I stared at him, shocked. “Right, because if I’d told you I was sleeping with Eli and was hoping it would go further, you would have just been like ‘okay, sure, go ahead, bye.’ And nothing else.”
“Do you want to know my reaction when I found out? Other than ‘how long has this been going on and why didn’t he tell me’ that is?”
“Do I?”
“That a lot of things suddenly made sense, and I needed to listen to my instincts more often. And get that look off your face, I didn’t suspect you and Eli would ever be a thing.
The man said he was straight, and that’s what I assumed, but I did know there was something between you two that I would never manage to pierce.
Which is fine, you’re allowed to have special things with other people, but the thing that always got me was that something was always missing between us.
It’s why I was fine with how our relationship was set up, because you were fun, nice, good-looking, and good in bed… sorry, Marshall.”
“Between being open-minded and ‘modern,’ and I have come into his life pretty late in the game, I’m not as horrified to hear that as you might think. No details, though, please.”
“Will do. And because you were just a good person I could have fun with. But no matter what we did, how much time we spent around one another, there was always this...gap, something missing. It wasn’t like you were keeping me at a distance, so don’t think I believe for a second that you were keeping me around just long enough to snatch Eli up.
I know you believed he was straight too.
But there was something missing that didn’t let us have that kind of connection that would have changed how I felt about our relationship.
When I found out about you and Eli, I realized what it was.
That part of you was still in that place only you and Eli had, and no one was ever going to get through to it unless it was Eli.
..or more time had passed for the last hope in your heart to die. ”
“That does not...make me sound better,” I said with a wince.
“The heart wants what the heart wants, and even the owner of that heart can’t help it,” Raf said with a snort.
“And I get it, I get why you didn’t tell me about your feelings.
Who the fuck tells their new boyfriend they have feelings for someone else?
But the rules we laid out should have also come with some common-sense understanding.
Like the fact that if you were having a sexual relationship with someone you’ve been in love with forever, you should probably bring that up. ”
“I...didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You didn’t want to feel bad for hurting me.”
“Are you going to allow for both to be true?”
“Both are true, but don’t try to paint a pretty picture that it was just for my benefit.
I’m an adult, I would have regretted losing a real chance with you, but I could have taken it just fine.
But you took responsibility for my feelings onto yourself.
Honestly, for all the bitching you used to do about Eli doing that to people, you’re just as fucking bad. ”
Marshall looked around. “He gets it from his mom.”
Raf eyed him. “Not a people pleaser to the point of detrimental sort?”
“No,” Marshall said with a smile that felt self-deprecating to me. “But this running away from problems thing? That’s me. Marty would have immediately gotten online and yelled at anyone who dared to talk shit about her and the man she loves.”
Oh, look, a new level of guilt and shame I could feel...wonderful.
“I’m not pissed that you and Eli...what wording do I use here?
Found each other doesn’t work; you two have been close since you were kids.
I don’t know, I guess I’m glad you got the chance that most people in an unrequited situation never get to experience, especially because if anyone were to realize they might like dick and still stick by your side, it would be Eli.
Man’s hard to figure out sometimes, but his devotion and loyalty to you is about as in question as the shape of the planet. ”
“Plenty of people genuinely think it’s flat,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, I know. I meant that anyone with any functioning brain cells knows it’s not, just like anyone with functioning brain cells would never question the loyalty and devotion you two have for each other.
So yeah, I’m not upset that you two are together.
You’re practically flawless for each other, and I even told you in the first month of dating that it was a shame, for both your sakes, that he was straight.
I’m pissed because of the way you handled this, the way you basically gave me the finger instead of talking to me like the partners we were supposed to be. ”
“I don’t...”I began and closed my eyes. “I’m sorry, okay?
I know I was shitty in how I dealt with this, and you’re right, you deserved better.
I should have told you a long time ago, but I was terrified of hurting you, at how shitty that would make me feel, and.
..that all of that would put a cloud over what was happening.
Over...over a dream coming true, and I didn’t want that bubble to burst.”
“Huh,” Raf grunted. “That was a lot more honesty than I thought I’d get. Maybe you’re not as lost a cause as I was afraid you were.”
“I’m...not sure how to feel about that,” I admitted with a frown. “Because I feel like I should be insulted.”
“Feel however you want to feel,” he said with a snort. “I’m not going to baby your feelings just because you want to keep beating yourself up.”
“I do not want to beat myself up!” I snapped, grabbing the pillow, and then reconsidered. I felt a touch of relief having listened to him, but I wasn’t ready to take my anger out on him yet...though if he kept going, I was going to throw that reluctance away quickly.
“You’re certainly not doing a lot to show otherwise,” he said, looking around and wrinkling his nose. “Seriously, when was the last time this place ever saw a rag that wasn’t covered in mold? At least all the alcohol in your system might make you immune to disease.”
“Even I know that’s not how drinking booze works,” I grumbled.
“Right now it’s your only hope,” he said, taking another drink from the bottle. “But you’ve been allowed three days.”
“Allowed,” I scoffed, feeling petulant but not caring.
“The only reason there wasn’t a manhunt sooner was because we all knew where you were,” Raf told me with a shake of his head.
“But Eli argued that you should be given some time. There were about a dozen fights over twenty-four hours between Eli and Eva right there, neither budging. So, just be lucky it was Marshall and me who found you. Eva would have taken an ax to the door, beat you senseless, and then dragged you back, willing or otherwise.”