Chapter 8 #2
I don’t know why it hurt so fucking much that I was wrong. Maybe it was the burden of having to take care of my dad in ways he never took care of me, or maybe it was the pain of knowing that she had been terrible to him too.
“It doesn’t matter what I thought. It turns out she wasn’t bluffing. She’s gone, she canceled her phone line, and I have no one to help take care of my dad.”
“So,” Killian said, reminding me he was still there, “what are you going to do?”
I groaned, rubbing at my eyes until they hurt. “I have no clue. I need to get him into a facility somewhere. Like…like a decent one, you know? Some posh-ass place with hot nurses who will spoon-feed him Jell-O and wipe his ass when he starts needing it.”
“Right,” Killian said slowly. “There are those facilities.”
“Except all the ones around here are fucking full and on some twelve-month wait list. Fuck, Kill. I can’t do this on my own.
” My voice began to tremble. “I can’t…I can’t sacrifice more shit for my parents.
I don’t want to put my life on hold and fuck my career because they decided to continue being selfish assholes—” My voice broke, and I stopped before I burst into tears.
“Hey. Hey.” Warm hands took me by either side of my face, and I realized then I was breathing way too fast. “It’s okay.”
I forced myself to swallow back a sob. “S-sorry.”
“Oh, hell no.” Killian pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around. “You’re not apologizing for this.”
It was a little too easy to collapse against his chest. I had a fleeting, wild thought that I wished he were someone else. Someone else he had no business being—that I had no business wanting—but I shoved that away as quickly as I could manage.
I took several breaths, then admitted, “It’s not just my dad. That really sucks, but I think I’m also freaking out because there’s…there’s more.”
“Okay,” Killian said. He ran a firm hand down the length of my spine, then back up. The motion was more than soothing. “Whatever it is, we can fix it.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “No. Not this one.”
“What do you mean? Are you sick? Hurt?”
Sick in the head, maybe, for wanting some asshole like Zeki. I could deal with the fact that I was bi, but dealing with the fact that I’d fucked him and liked it?
I took a deep breath. “So, I…I’m…” I pulled away and scrubbed lingering tear tracks off my face.
I wasn’t really crying, crying. I tended to leak whenever I got overly emotional.
Micah called it crying, but what the fuck did he know?
I turned my face up and sucked in a deep breath.
It was meant to be cleansing, but I did not feel any more centered on my exhale.
“It’s okay, bud,” Killian said quietly. “Take your time.”
He was way too nice to me. Rolling my shoulders back, I turned my face to where he was sitting, then took his hand so I could keep track of where he was. “I think I’m bi.”
He was silent for way too long.
“Did you hear me? I said, I think I’m—”
“No. I heard you.”
There was an odd tension in his voice, and it immediately pissed me off. “Tell me you’re not judging me. I mean, you’re fucking a dude!”
“What? Jesus, Jonah. No, I’m…” He groaned and flopped back, though his hand stayed in mine. “I’m not judging you. I—we all,” he amended with an apologetic tone, “kind of…already figured that out?”
“I beg your finest fuck?”
“Pardon.”
“You’re excused,” I said quickly.
“No, the phrase is—you know what. Never mind.” He pulled his hand back, but he shifted so his foot was touching mine. “I guess, uh…I guess I didn’t know that you didn’t know.”
I felt a slight edge of hysteria rising in me. “What do you mean you knew? You knew I liked dudes? Before I did?”
“It was kind of obvious?” he chanced. “You send a lot of porn GIFs. Of men. And that goblin video was, you know. Dudes.”
“Well, I—that was mostly Micah!” My face was burning because, well, he was right. I did send a lot of porn GIFs that were dudes. “And I was trying to be supportive of you assholes.”
“Right. But your support—at times—seemed to, ah…seemed a bit more like…”
He was silent for way too long.
“Like what?” I demanded, my voice high and tight.
“Shit. I’m sorry,” Killian said. “It seemed like participation. I never asked about your sexuality because I assumed you were bi but preferred women.”
I had no idea what to say. I mean, I supposed it made sense. I understood the way I came across. And yeah, I had fantasized more than once about having a night with a man. I just…never thought that was supposed to mean anything.
I began to shake again, bowing over my legs, and Killian leapt into action as noise began to escape my throat.
“Hey. Bud, hey, please don’t—oh my god. Are you laughing?”
I was. Or I was making some noise between laughing and crying. I didn’t even know anymore. I flopped back against the couch and covered my face with my hands, then let out a silent scream before dropping them.
“I fucked a guy.” Alexio Zeki, though I wasn’t going to tell any of my friends that. That was between me and God and all the demons in hell or whatever.
“Oh, shit. Like…on a date, or—”
“No. Uh. It was kind of a random thing?” I said, grimacing. I rubbed my palms over my thighs. “I kind of hated him, but it was…” I trailed off. I wasn’t ready to get into detail about this yet. I think mostly I just needed someone to know that it happened.
That I liked it.
That…that for me, everything had changed.
I heard Killian shift, and then he took my hand and squeezed. “Hey. You’re good. You know that, right? Literally no one here will care.”
Lifting my face, I managed a smile. “So no one is going to be pissed they lost the token straight?”
Killian burst into laughter. “I don’t know if anyone ever believed that’s what you were.”
Silence eventually settled around us, and the weight of everything was still there, but it was lighter. Easier.
Kinder.
“What do you need me to do?” Killian eventually asked.
I squeezed his hand one last time before letting go. “Just this. For now,” I told him softly.
“Consider that my job until you need me to let go.”
By the time I had to head over to my dad’s for the interview, I felt better, and I still wasn’t alone.
This time, by a lot. Ford showed up the next morning, and Tucker was right behind him, followed by Boden.
I hadn’t realized how uptight and tense I’d been feeling until they were all gathered in my apartment, Tucker and Killian arguing about who was going to drive us.
“You can’t even fucking drive,” Killian said.
“And you don’t get to be the boss of everyone!”
“At least I know the city—”
“You don’t know jack shit!”
“Boys!” Boden’s voice was stern and tired. “Shut the fuck up. I live here. I’m driving.”
And that was that.
We piled into his SUV, which was thankfully large enough to accommodate four hockey players and an irritated lawyer, and Ford kept me sandwiched between him and Killian because although his boyfriend hadn’t said anything about why I was upset, Ford was always good at sensing those things.
He kept one hand firmly locked around my wrist, and Killian let my head flop against his shoulder as Boden got us through the obnoxious Boston traffic.
The GPS alerted Boden to my dad’s building, and I felt the SUV start to slow. “Uh. Here? Your dad lives here?”
“What’s wrong with it?” I asked. No one said anything, which said everything. “It’s a shithole, isn’t it? Fuck. Fuck!”
“Hey, babe,” Tucker said, squeezing my knee. “It’s not that bad.”
“Mm.” I knew he was full of it. “I mean, I kind of hate the fucker, but I don’t want him living in squalor.”
“I promise you that’s not what this is,” Tucker said quietly. “And you didn’t know.”
“No, I guess not,” I told him. My stomach was still hurting though. Fuck, I didn’t like my dad very much, but I’d wanted better for him. I hadn’t even bothered to explore—to ask what it was like—when I was here last. Not that I trusted Alexio to give me an honest answer.
My stomach twisted in a weird way at the thought of his name, and I shoved that to the side as Boden pulled his SUV over and the engine went quiet.
“Do you want us all to go up?” Killian asked. “I feel like that might be a lot for your dad.”
He was probably right. I did want my little bubble of hockey players around me, but I didn’t want to make this worse for the old man, who probably had no idea what was going on. “Uh, maybe just one of you. Who wants to come with?”
I imagined a silent game of not-it was happening. Then Tucker reached back and squeezed my knee again.
“I’ll go. And we’ll call you guys if we need backup.”
Everyone collectively agreed, so I grabbed my cane and patted my pocket for my phone before climbing out over Ford. I nearly ate shit on the pavement as I tripped out of the door, but Tucker caught me and hauled me upright.
“I feel like this week has been the biggest fucking disaster,” I murmured.
“Yeah? I mean, yesterday wasn’t so bad, was it?”
I let out a puff of air. I wanted to say it had been a nightmare. That it was so awful Tucker had to pull whatever strings he could to end this ambassador crap, but the truth was, I’d had fun.
A lot of fun.
And then I’d…well.
Clearing my throat, I ran from the memory of Alexio, leading Tucker into the building and to the elevator. I’d taken the stairs last time, and as I felt over the braille numbers and hit the button for my dad’s floor, the car gave a loud whine and lurched.
“Fuck,” Tucker gasped. “If we plummet to our deaths, just know I’ve always loved you.”
“Jackass,” I murmured, and he laughed.
Luckily, there were no tragic elevator accidents that morning. The doors opened with a loud groan, and I stepped into the hallway, immediately lost since I’d come by stairs the last time I was there, and when Alexio had taken me, I wasn’t paying close attention.
“Uh, 4B,” I told Tucker. “Do you see it?”
He was quiet, then tapped my hand, and I slid my fingers over his elbow. “This way. God, this place smells…”
“Funky. Yeah. Not as bad as Tiago’s gym bag during playoffs, but this is a little ripe,” I admitted.
Tucker snorted. “We need to stage an intervention this year if we make it.”
Normally, I’d smack him upside the head and tell him we would absolutely fucking make it, but I wasn’t convinced.
From what I’d read online, two of the three Boston hockey teams were having a shit year.
I was starting to wonder if someone had put a curse on the arena or something because only Boden’s team was having a decent start.
And in all honesty, it was hard to give a shit. The idea of trying to manage playoffs and all the crap with my dad was making my stomach feel like it did the time Micah had convinced me to eat gas station taquitos.
“Here,” Tucker said. “Should I knock, or—”
Before he could get the rest of the sentence out, I felt the telltale whoosh of a door opening, then smelled very, very familiar cologne.
“You have got to be fucking kidding me. What the fuck are you doing here, Brut?”
“Fuck off, I—”
“Oh my god, is my best friend!”
My heart felt like it was going to beat straight out of my chest. “Vanya?”
There was a scuffle, and then the big, familiar hands that had been propelling me around all yesterday morning were back on me. Vanya tugged me into a hug. His body was a lot smaller when he wasn’t in his pads, but he still had terrifyingly large biceps.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I stammered.
“Alexio and I have meeting at the arena. I tag along to visit his friend first.”
Humiliation crawled up my spine, and I swallowed back my fury. It was one thing that Alexio kept showing up here. It was quite a-fucking-nother to know he was bringing guys from his team to my dad’s place. And for what, exactly?
To humiliate me?
To try and prove I was neglecting him?
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves because I didn’t want to upset Vanya. “It’s good to see you, bud. But, uh…I have an appointment here with my dad.”
“What appointment?” Alexio demanded just as Vanya said, “This your dad?”
My brows flew up, and I turned to face his voice. “Yes, this is my dad, and that’s none of your fucking business, is it, Brut?”
“Considering that I’m the one who—”
“Boys,” Tucker said quickly as Alexio’s voice began to rise. “Is this really the time or the place?”
Everyone froze, and the mood shifted to a bunch of scolded schoolboys.
After a second, Vanya clapped his hand over my shoulder. “Is okay. Alexio and I have to leave. But promise you call me, yes? Or text? Can send emoji?”
“You can send me whatever you want,” I told him quietly.
“Maybe not GIF.” He pronounced it “jif.”
I burst into laughter. It was mostly nerves, but also, it was that I liked him. “Sure. Probably not GIFs.”
He shook me gently, then let go, and I followed the trail of Brut as Alexio breezed past me. For a moment, I thought he was going to go without a fight, but then I heard his steps falter.
“What?” I snapped.
“Why are you here, Jonah?”
My brows shot up. “What the fuck do you mean? He’s my dad?”
“That never mattered before.”
“Dude,” Tucker said, his voice a low growl of warning.
“What? Is it a lie? You spend all this time giving zero fucks about what your dad’s going through, then suddenly, people are watching, so you—”
I lunged. I didn’t really mean to. I didn’t even really think.
The stress and anger and guilt were like a volatile cannon, and the fuse was lit.
It exploded through my fists, and I made contact, though I wasn’t sure with what part of him.
He grunted and tumbled back, and I lost my footing, landing on his chest.
His hands immediately went to my hips, like it was instinct.
I could smell his breath—coffee and something spiced, like cloves. He swallowed heavily, and the moment between us stretched out. I was too aware of the silence around us, everyone watching.
So I did the only thing I could think of.
I headbutted him.
“Ow! What the fuck!” His impossibly strong hands threw me, and I tumbled backward, entirely lost until Tucker’s hands gripped my arm and hauled me to my feet. “You motherfucker.”
I could hear Vanya cackling. “Is good move. Good aim for blind guy, yes?”
I was shaking as I swiped the back of my hand over my forehead. The fucker had a hard head. “Why are you still here?” I demanded. “I thought you had a meeting.”
Alexio’s voice trembled when he answered, “Fuck the meeting. Unlike everyone else in his fucking life, I actually give a shit about Peter, so I think I should stay.”
I deflated. All the energy drained out of me, and I suddenly realized I didn’t care. “Whatever. Fine. Just keep your mouth shut while I take care of this interview.”
Alexio said something as I turned and made my way back to my dad’s apartment, but I missed it over the drumming heartbeat in my ears.
Fuck, if it hadn’t been for the headbutt, I think I might actually be hard right now.
And that was a goddamn problem.