Chapter 18 #3
After replaying the scene in his head, he realized he hadn’t handled the confrontation as well as he should have, but at least he hadn’t run away. No, he’d stayed and poked the bear. Hopefully he wouldn’t regret that.
His cell buzzed in his pocket. After fishing it out, he eyed the screen.
Anton
Wanna get a drink tonight?
Jude cringed. Of course he was up for a hang, but he’d already agreed to let Foster come over for dinner and another payment. He couldn’t tell Anton he had other plans, not unless he was ready to fess up to what those plans were.
Jude
No go. Don’t feel
That wasn’t completely untrue. He was a still a bit off after his confrontation.
Anton
Hang at yours? I’ll bring the beer
Jude
Would love to but don’t wanna get you sick. Gimme a bit
There went a half-truth into a full-blown lie. Jude cringed the second he sent the reply.
Anton
K feel better. I’ll check in later
Jude
Thanx
Jude stared at his phone a couple of seconds, rereading the exchange.
He’d just lied to the one person he never lied to.
Or skipped a night out with for a piece of ass.
Shaking his head, he shoved his phone back into his pocket, allowing the guilt to wash over him.
It was also a bit of a gut punch. He’d been forced to lie.
Being reminded that there was no way Anton would approve of him being with Foster didn’t sit well, either.
Eventually, shit was hitting the fan. What the fuck would he do then?
His phone vibrated again.
Foster
Wings, Filipino, or Italian?
Jude fought the smile spreading across his lips. One second he was questioning himself and the next giddy as a schoolgirl because the hot guy he had a crush on texted him.
A crush? The fuck?
Jude
What if I said no to all?
Foster
Gimme a suggestion then
Jude
Filipino. Save the wings for a Sunday
Foster
You inviting me over to watch football and eat wings?
Jude
No
He eyed that firm no. What could it hurt to try hanging out with Foster for an afternoon to see if it was more than sex between them? If it wasn’t, he could calm the fuck down.
Jude
Maybe but don’t push your luck
Foster
Foster marched up to Jude’s door, both hands laden with bags of food.
He’d gone overboard and gotten a few extra things, just in case.
He could tear into some takeout, especially after the run he’d gotten in after work, but he didn’t know how much Jude typically ate.
There was a lot of things he didn’t know about Jude but couldn’t wait to find out more.
Before he could knock, the door opened, and Jude waved him in. Jude peeked outside and looked around before shutting and locking the door. His face was pinched. Anxiety came off him in waves.
“That afraid to be seen with me?” Foster asked.
“No,” Jude said before he snagged one of the bags and walked upstairs. “I ran into Rick today, and he pleasantly reminded me he knows where I live.”
“Oh, fuck,” Foster said under his breath before marching up behind Jude.
That’s all he needed. Rick cockblocking him once again and adding chaos to their relationship. Their non-relationship? He wasn’t exactly sure what to call it.
Jude eyed him when they both set the bags on the kitchen island. “He also mentioned seeing your SUV parked just down the street this morning and asked if we were fucking.”
Foster sighed. “Did he ever leave high school? I feel like we’re right back there whenever his name’s brought up.”
Jude cringed.
“I hope him being his usual asshole self hasn’t messed with your head,” Foster said. “Or made you rethink our re—” He craned his neck, catching himself before saying relationship. “Repayment plan.”
Jude searched Foster’s face. “Not gonna lie—it messed with my head a little.” He paused a moment, gaze drifting. “I go out of my way to avoid him whenever I can but every so often we bump into one another. It’s not the first time and likely won’t be the last.” Jude shrugged. “I’ll live.”
“Does it bother you that he’s assumed we’re together?”
“No,” Jude said. “I’d rather he didn’t, but whatever. I’m already out to everyone who matters. He can’t hurt me anymore.”
Foster searched Jude’s face. He sensed there was a wounded boy inside who hadn’t fully healed. He’d gotten hints of it before, and the whole repayment thing screamed it, but he’d not been completely sure how deep that well was until that moment.
And he had to wonder if being there with Jude was only making that worse.
He didn’t want to see pain in Jude’s eyes. He wanted to be the man who might chase it away, but suddenly feared he was only a reminder of something horrible instead.
“He claimed you begged Ashley to stay after she’d brought her lover into your bed. That you’d wanted to stay and be her cuck.”
Foster snorted with laughter. “Hardly.”
When awkward silence fell around them, Foster lifted his gaze from the items he was pulling out of the bag.
He met Jude’s stare. “If either of us was a cuck that night, it was her.” Foster frowned.
“Though, to officially be a cuck, don’t you have to enjoy watching?
She didn’t enjoy watching me fuck her boyfriend. ”
Jude lifted a brow, not appearing amused.
Foster sighed.
Jude was always so fucking serious. Foster had tried to lighten the mood, but that was an uphill battle.
He couldn’t recall ever seeing Jude laugh at anything.
“After Vic left, she and I had it out, and yes, she told me to leave—but I’d already decided it was over before I’d ever walked him to the front door.
As soon as we had it out, I packed a couple of suitcases and got a hotel room.
A few days later, I moved back home, where I filed for the divorce. ”
“You filed?”
Foster nodded. “California is a no fault state with a six-month waiting period before you can divorce. New Jersey has a one-year residency clause, which is relaxed if the grounds for divorce is adultery. We decided on a game plan and division of assets before I left California, and I filed a week after I got here. We were divorced less than five weeks later.”
Silence fell between them, Jude watchful.
“If the question is ‘am I still in love with my wife,’ the answer is a resounding no. I don’t think we were ever in love. I’m not even sure I know what love is, to be brutally honest.” Foster cleared his throat and recaptured Jude’s gaze. “But I look forward to learning.”
Panic bloomed in Jude’s eyes, and Foster wished he could reel in that last comment like it never happened.
“One day down the road, maybe I’ll meet someone who can show me what it feels like,” Foster snuck in and noticed Jude immediately relax.
Jude dragged his gaze away and reached into his bag to pull out containers.
“I declined an offer to hang out with my best friend tonight. For you.”
Foster’s heart sped up a little, but he needed to play it cool. “Oh?”
“I even lied to him and told him I was sick,” Jude said. “I never lie to Anton.” He shook his head. “Although, the lie was to prevent him from stopping by and catching you here with me.”
Foster held Jude’s gaze, unsure he should add anything to that.
“I lied to him because I knew he would never approve of me having anything to do with you,” Jude said. “And if Rick thinks he knows something, he’s likely going to run his mouth. It might get back to Anton. Then I’ll have to own up to this or lie to him. Again.”
Foster watched him, silent.
“What do I do, Foster? Do I lie again?”
Foster knew what he hoped Jude would do, but he couldn’t control that. He could make no demands of Jude. “I can’t answer that for you.”
“Anton has been there through thick and thin. He’s always had my back. Always.” Jude lifted his chin, almost defiant. “You didn’t.”
Foster winced.
“I think you know who I’d choose if it came down to it. I think we also know that this isn’t going to last.” Jude placed both hands on the island and leaned closer. “Yet here I am, letting you in because I’m stupid. I just can’t help tormenting myself, apparently.”
“You never know. Anton might learn to like me. You have.”
Jude scowled at him and drew another of the food containers out. “I don’t like you.”
“Says the guy who lied to his best friend to hang out with me instead.”
Jude’s hand was perched above the bag to grab another container, but he lowered it, holding Foster’s gaze. “Don’t make me regret letting you come tonight.”
“I would never want to be one of your regrets.”
Jude tensed, holding his stare.
Foster rounded the island and stood facing Jude’s side.
“One day, I hope I can be a happy memory instead of what I am now.” He gently caressed Jude’s stubbly cheek with the back of his hand.
The scent of Jude’s freshly showered body—the mix of body wash, mint toothpaste, and Jude himself—was burned into his memory.
It likely would be forevermore. He pressed his nose against the back of Jude’s ear and inhaled deep.
“If that’s all I can be, then that’ll be good enough for me. ”
Jude turned his face to Foster, and they locked gazes.
Before they locked lips.
Jude slowly turned his body and pressed it against Foster’s.
They stumbled toward the bedroom, clothes flying once more.
After they’d both come and lay boneless, panting in one another’s arms, Foster searched Jude’s face.
In his mind, he returned to the conversation they’d had before they’d fallen into bed.
He hoped Jude was wrong and the end wasn’t approaching.
Foster wasn’t ready to let go.
And might never be.