Chapter 24 #2
“He’s working on his shit right now, as we speak.
I’m proud of him for it, too. He’s going to need a fuckton of patience and understanding because things are probably going to get messier before they get better.
” Anton glared. “He’s going to need people who show up for him.
People who don’t walk away when they get scared.
Your track record isn’t so great in that regard. ”
“I’m not that same eighteen-year-old kid anymore, Anton.”
“There’s something else you should know. Something I probably shouldn’t tell you, but I think you need to know.” Anton sighed. “He’s going to hate me for this…”
Foster stiffened.
“I found him.” Anton swallowed, his eyes glazing over. “I found him in the ba—”
Anton stopped speaking, like he’d glitched and frozen up. A solid ten seconds passed before he cleared his throat and tried again.
“Right after Christmas, Jude was supposed to meet up with me and didn’t show.
He wasn’t one to just ghost somebody, especially me.
He’d send a text at the very least. I tried calling him a few times, but it went straight to voicemail.
The longer I waited, the more this weird feeling grew in my chest. I couldn’t breathe.
I knew something wasn’t right. I rushed to his house.
” Anton paused, his jaw tight. “I found him.” He released a slow, shaky breath. “I, ah… he was in the bathtub and—”
Anton stopped speaking again.
Foster sensed what he was trying to say and hoped like hell he was wrong.
A few seconds later, Anton’s gaze flicked to Foster’s. “I assume you’ve seen the scars on his wrists.”
Foster winced. “I was hoping you weren’t going to say that.”
“Sorry to dash your hopes.” Anton took a steadying breath. “Rick and his friends were ruthless. And we almost lost him because of it.”
Foster wanted to rip Rick to shreds with his bare hands in that moment.
“I’d seen them. I’d convinced myself that it hadn’t been the bullying because gossip hadn’t spread around school. You know how people talked back then. Surely we all would’ve heard about it if Jude had tried that.”
“Jude’s dad was good friends with a bunch of firefighters—and the chief, too. He called them instead of 911. They did first aid without alerting anyone and then took him to a hospital a few townships over to keep it quiet.”
“I’m glad he was protected. God knows what Rick would’ve done with that information.”
“Right?” Anton said. “After Jude rested a couple of days in the hospital, he was sent to a facility for a couple of months, but all they did was dope him up and send him home. His dad got him help after, but Jude ran through several therapists and eventually stopped going. They were causing more harm than good.”
“Or he wasn’t ready to face treatment,” Foster said.
“One of his therapists tried to convince him his problems stemmed from his homosexuality and suggested conversion therapy.”
Foster’s jaw dropped.
“Yeah, trust me, it wasn’t Jude. Those doctors deserved to lose their licenses for the things they told him.
” Anton growled. “I wish he’d kept trying to find the right doctor, but I get why he didn’t.
He was exhausted and wasn’t getting the help he needed.
His regular doc keeps him on some of the pills they prescribed, but I’m not sure those are great either.
He’s mentioned they blunt everything. He calls them his zombie pills.
Instead of dealing with what happened, he’s stayed relatively numb for fifteen years.
It’s kind of hard to move past things when you can’t feel. ”
Foster nodded. “I saw the mountain of pills he takes in the morning.”
Anton watched him a few seconds. “Yeah, you mentioned your car outside the shop a minute a go. You spent a night at his place?”
Foster nodded. “A few.”
Anton scoffed, his brow furrowing deeper.
“What?”
“Jude’s meticulous in the way he avoids relationships. It wouldn’t be too much to call it pathological. He has unfaltering rules he refuses to break, one of them being that men never stay the night. Ever.”
Silence fell between them.
“I think he has these rules to avoid being vulnerable. He doesn’t want to feel weak ever again. He also doesn’t trust people outside of a very, very short list. If he broke one of his cardinal rules for you—that’s big in Jude’s world. Not big. Gargantuan.”
Foster digested that, his head spinning. “I don’t know what to do with that.”
“I’m trying to tell you he has feelings for you.”
“I know that. I finally got him to admit he felt something Halloween night, but little good that did. He still asked me to give him space—and I got the sense he isn’t planning for there to be an us in the future.”
“He came to you from a place of pain. He said he was cruel and cold with you. He seems to be under the impression that he fucked up any real chance for you two because of that.”
“He hasn’t,” Foster said.
Anton watched him, silent.
“He has every right to resent me. Hearing the details of what he endured only solidifies that in my mind,” Foster said. “If he needed to be cold and cruel to even things between us, so be it.”
“Can they ever be even, though?”
“Probably not,” Foster answered. “I went into this with few expectations. When he showed up on my door and demanded retribution, I was… shocked, to say the least. I sure as shit didn’t realize how much trauma he was still dealing with.
If I had, maybe I would’ve said no. I sure as hell didn’t want to cause him more pain.
I simply gave him what he asked for.” Foster sighed.
“Then along the way, things changed. For both of us.”
The memory of the boy in his arms had intrigued him into saying yes.
The man who’d lay exhausted in his arms at the end of a night had enflamed him.
He’d had peeks of who Jude was in those moments, late at night.
Jude’s walls had gotten thinner and thinner as the nights progressed.
They’d shared physical intimacies—but there had been small emotional ones, too.
Every one of them had felt earned and special.
Jude had pushed him away over and over again, but he’d been unable to keep his distance.
Neither of them had. There seemed a sense of destiny between the two of them.
Star-crossed lovers. Fate had thrown them together far too soon, when they’d scarcely been men.
They’d suffered because they hadn’t been ready to face the slings and arrows together.
That had been more Foster’s fault than Jude’s.
So what if he’d been cold and cruel? Jude’s demand for some form of recompense had given them a second chance. One Foster refused to let it slip through his fingers.
But there was a problem in his way.
Foster fought a wave of emotion. “I’m not ready to let him go.”
“Knowing him, he’s going to push back hard,” Anton said. “You need to be ready for that.”
“I also have to respect his request. How do I hold on and still give him space?”
“My guess? He asked for space, hoping you’ll eventually give up on him, and he’ll be off the hook.
He won’t have to face you or what he feels for you.
That’s why I came tonight. You can’t let him do that.
Not if you truly care about him.” Anton took a step closer.
“Don’t let him force distance because you’ll never get him back. ”
“How can I build any trust if I don’t do as he’s asked? I have to give him space.” Foster chuckled mirthlessly.
“Get creative,” Anton said. “Find ways to see him accidentally on purpose.”
Foster groaned. “I’m the least creative person you’ll ever know.”
“I guess it comes down to how much he matters to you,” Anton said. “If he matters enough, you’ll figure it out.”
“He works six days a week,” Foster said. “He’s almost always at work or at home. How the fuck am I supposed to be creative with that?”
Anton grinned before taking a step back. “Good luck.”
“This feels like a test,” Foster said.
Anton chuckled. “In some ways, I suppose it is.”
“Can you at least offer a hint? You know him best.”
“Are you on Grindr?”
“No.”
“Jude is. Mr. Avoids Relationships loves to fuck around,” Anton said.
“How’s that help me?”
“I don’t know,” Anton said, grinning. “But it might bug him to log in and see your face there on his favorite app.”
“Ah,” Foster murmured.
“Make sure it’s a really good picture, too. One he can’t help but look at. And stay online as much as possible, so he sees that you’re there. It’ll eat him alive not to reach out to you.”
“I don’t want to play games with him.”
“You won’t be,” Anton said. “You’re just reminding him you’re there. And all he has to do is reach out.”
“Okay.” Foster smiled. “Thanks, Anton. I know this probably wasn’t easy for you.”
“Fuck him over and you’re a dead man,” Anton said before he turned around and walked away. Before he got too far, he offered one last thought over his shoulder. “I’ll be watching close, so you’d best get it right.”
“No pressure,” Foster yelled to Anton’s retreating back. “I’m only human, you know!”
“You don’t get a third chance, Foster!” Anton yelled from the sidewalk.
Foster walked back inside and wormed his way through the small crowd near the bar. He sat down across from Cary and sighed.
“Glad you’re still in one piece,” Cary yelled over the din.
Foster took a sip of his beer and winced. Warm beer was terrible. He waved down their server and ordered them both another before fishing out his phone. “Are you on Grindr?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I need to set up an account,” Foster said. “Help me?”
“Are we officially over Jude now?” Cary asked.
“Nope. Not even close,” Foster said with a grin.