Chapter 25
Afew days later, Jude lay staring at the ceiling well past his bedtime, his mind churning over his latest appointment.
He’d talked to his therapist about his attempt and the reasons behind it in their previous session.
That had led them to his not-really-a-relationship with Foster and his feelings surrounding that in his session earlier that day.
She’d suggested he had something called Avoidant Attachment Disorder, stemming from the bullying he’d suffered, along with PTSD.
Of course AAD had no cure. No magic pill to pop.
Meds could help—but he was already on them. Behavioral therapy was another option, and it sounded like a lot of work. He’d much rather there be a magic wand they could shake and fix him.
“Why don’t you ask Foster to join us in a session in the near future?” she’d asked. “It doesn’t have to be our next few if you wanted to talk it out more first, but sometime soon might help you two move into a place of understanding before things go off the rails.”
Too late, lady. They’re already well off the rails.
He’d had to explain that they’d already ended things—and she’d then asked him to take a deeper dive and detail why he’d sabotaged their relationship.
She’d actually used that word—sabotage—and he’d hated it.
He’d used all the excuses he’d given Anton…
it was doomed, his friends wouldn’t have approved, it hadn’t started from a place of honesty…
but she’d not given him an inch, much like Anton.
She’d said he was using those as a means to keep his walls high and avoid rejection.
Jude had been forced to face the fact he’d chosen to destroy a maybe with Foster because he refused to be vulnerable.
That had stung.
Hard.
For the hours since his appointment, he’d thought about all the various amounts of destruction he’d caused in his own life, pissed he’d not seen it sooner. Maybe there had been a chance for him and Foster, but he’d assumed the worst and walked away instead.
As he clearly loved to do.
Am I still making excuses?
Is there still a chance?
Ugh! Why is this so fucking hard?
Jude’s phone beeped with a notification. He eyed the clock on his nightstand—two-fifteen—and snagged his phone from beside it. Who was texting him that late? Anton’s number appeared on the screen and worry hit.
Until he read the text.
Anton
FYI - Mia’s in labor
A message bubble popped up, so Jude called Anton instead of passing notes back and forth at that hour.
Jude sat up on the edge of the bed when Anton answered. “Can you come pick me up on your way to the hospital?”
“They don’t want anyone hanging out in the waiting room,” Anton said.
“What? Why?”
Mia clearly didn’t want him there. Fuck.
“They have no idea how long it’ll be before the kiddo makes his way into the world—and Roan said they want to do a few hours of skin-to-skin after the baby’s born, so they’d rather it just be them for now.”
“What the fuck is skin-to-skin?” Jude asked.
“A couple of my sisters did it,” Anton said.
“Docs want both parents to hold the baby against their skin for a couple of hours each. Something about it being bonding for them or some shit, I don’t know.
Anyway, since we have no idea how long it’s going to be, just keep an ear out.
Roan said he’d text when they were ready for visitors.
I just wanted to let you know our nephew is coming and we might get the call at any point. ”
“They know it’s a boy?”
“Ah… Nah, but I gotta feeling,” Anton said. “Go back to bed. Check your messages when you get up.”
“Like I can sleep now,” Jude muttered.
“Welp, do your best. Once we get the all-clear to come visit, I’ll come get you.”
“Okay. Thanks, man.”
“Oh, by the way—did you ever have that sit down with Mia?”
Jude cringed. “No.” He’d spent all his free time fucking Foster and put it off until later. Now, there was no more laters left.
Anton sighed. “I guess you can do it at the hospital.”
“If she even wants to see me,” Jude muttered.
“Man, don’t get it twisted. Just go to sleep and worry about it tomorrow.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Hey, what happened to Mr. Wants to Work on Himself? This is what working on you means. Facing difficult shit. Don’t lose Roan because you can’t face Mia.”
“I’ll try to talk with her, though I don’t think that’s the right place and time for it.”
“You made the same excuse before. There might never be there right time for it, so just do it.”
“Yeah, I will—night.”
“Night,” Anton said before hanging up.
Jude lay back down and forced himself to close his eyes, but the seconds ticked by and there was no way he could sleep. He reached for his phone again, checking to see if there were any updates. It had only been forty-five minutes, but whatever. Things could progress quickly. What did he know?
He tossed his phone back on the nightstand and rolled over. Then snatched his phone again, irritated he was so attached to it. But who the fuck was he going to talk to at that hour of the night?
Jude ended up doing exactly what he did whenever he was restless late at night. He opened Grindr. He hadn’t had sex in weeks. Not since Foster Halloween night. His body was screaming for a release. Anything to calm him down.
Maybe there was a night owl online who could help him with that problem.
He scanned the profiles, but no one interesting was on… and then saw one that made him gasp.
Foster.
Foster was on fucking Grindr.
Is he fucking around?
Fucking hypocrite. I was just looking for someone to fuck around with.
Not like I was going to. Remember Halloween night? I couldn’t even bring myself to flirt with other men.
What have you done to me, Foster?
He scanned the photo Foster had used. Shirtless, showing off his muscled chest and arms. His hair was a bit tousled, kind of how it looked when he woke up in the mornings. He smiled at the camera, a twinkling humor in his blue eyes. He’d smiled at Jude like that so many times.
He missed that smile.
Jude slammed his phone down on the bed beside him. How dare Foster be on that app. How long had it been? Before or after they’d been together? How many men had he slept with? Stupid question. Foster was gorgeous. Smart. Funny. He had a lot going for him.
And he wasn’t broken like Jude.
Foster was probably cleaning up. A new guy every single night.
Although, something told Jude that wasn’t the case. Look how quickly he’d latched on and developed feelings. Foster wasn’t a fuckboy. It wasn’t in his nature.
He was a golden fucking retriever who just wanted to be loved.
I could’ve loved him… if I wasn’t a mess.
Jude stared up at the ceiling, wide awake.
He forced his eyes closed, but it was no good.
All he could manage was catnapping through the few hours he had left before he had to get up and go to work.
He spent the morning checking his phone—baby news and Grindr to see if Foster was on—but the hours passed, and he got nothing from either.
Finally, a photo of Roan, Mia, and their new little baby girl arrived around lunchtime. A smile stretched over his face. Theirs were full of joy as they looked down at their daughter. There was a text along with the image.
Roan
We have a little girl! Born at 7:02 am. Mom and baby girl are doing well. If you and Ant want to visit, stop by after work and meet your niece
Jude
I’ll be there. Congrats, man!
Roan
Thanks. See you tonight
Jude left Paulie in charge of the team during their nightly closing chores so he could leave a bit earlier and grab a shower before Anton arrived to pick him up.
They made it to the hospital a little earlier than planned, so they hit the gift shop.
After their arms were laden with gifts, flowers, and balloons, they headed up on the elevator.
The first person they saw as soon as the doors opened was a red-eyed Roan, saying goodbye to Mia’s parents before they boarded to go down.
While he looked exhausted, the broad smile spread across his face told Jude all he needed to know.
“Hey,” Roan said.
They both set the gifts down on a nearby table in the waiting room and enveloped him in a bear hug.
“Congratulations,” both he and Anton said, hugging Roan tight.
“Thanks, guys,” Roan said before he backed up. “I can’t believe I’m a dad.”
“Me, either,” Anton said.
“Shut up,” Roan joked. He turned to Jude. “You’re up first. Mia and baby are in 3457.”
Jude tensed.
“I’ll hang out here with Anton,” Roan said.
“You’re not coming?” Jude asked, panic hitting him square in the chest.
“You’ve put off that talk long enough,” Roan said. “You’re going to be a part of my kid’s life, so go fix whatever this is with Mia, Uncle Jude.”
Jude sighed. He snagged the teddy bear and flowers he’d bought downstairs and held them in front of him like a shield. Something told him they wouldn’t protect much.
“Fine,” Jude muttered before walking down the hall. It felt like a gallows walk. The only thing that kept his feet moving was the fact his therapist might be proud of him for actually facing something instead of running away from it.
When he approached Mia’s room, he knocked on the door and peeked inside.
Mia rested in the hospital bed, curled up and cradling her daughter. Her smile was beautiful, and he couldn’t help but smile himself.
She must’ve sensed him watching. Mia turned her focus his way. “Hey, you.”
“Hey,” Jude said, his voice low. “Is it okay if I come in?”
“Of course.”
Jude walked in and closed the door most of the way. “I brought a gift for the baby.” He held up the bear before setting it and the flowers beside a bevy of arrangements, cards, and other gifts. It was nice to see so many were happy for them.
“Do you want to meet our daughter?” Mia asked him.
He inched closer, but not too close. The baby yawned, her little eyes wide open. They soon closed, and she drifted off to sleep. “She’s beautiful.”
“She is,” Mia said, beaming. “Thanks.”
“She got a name yet? Roan didn’t say.”