Chapter Twenty-Six
Elise ~ December
My gaze rested at the window, watching as the snow came down thick and fast, settling on the street outside the office.
Even though it was cold outside, my heart was warm because I’d received a letter from Stone that morning. I must have read it a hundred times already. Every word he wrote was a salve to my beat-up soul, and his letters were the adhesive that kept me glued together.
Everything was a mess. Dad”s passing, Mom’s grief, and John not being here to make everything better, tore at me. I was nineteen, in my prime, but I felt exhausted all the damned time. A social life had never been something I indulged in a lot, but these days, it was non-existent.
Especially because now, I had something else to worry about.
Kelly made me go to Mapletree with her a few days before. She’d confided that she needed to go to a drugstore and buy a pregnancy testing kit. We had a pharmacy in town, but it was too dangerous. There was always somebody familiar, some gossip around who would spy on whatever she bought, and the news would get around like wildfire.
Unmarried mothers were more reviled in Hambleton than Saddam Hussein. If word got out Kelly was in the midst of a pregnancy scare, she’d probably get put in stocks for the townsfolk to throw rotten fruit at.
So, we had to go elsewhere.
We waited until Saturday and drove to the next town, just the two of us. I was happy to be there and happy to help her. Stevie and John were best friends, and Kelly was probably the person—bar John, Connie, and Mom—to whom I was closest, so I wanted to look out for her and give her my support.
During the journey, she’d twisted her face toward me and murmured, “I’m not ready.”
“You may not have a choice,” I replied. “A baby won’t wait, Kells.”
“Stevie said we can get married if I’m pregnant,” she said snippily. “And I’d love to, one day. I just wanted some fun before we settled down.” She threw her hands up in the air. “He promised me vacations and interesting trips abroad, not diapers and pacifiers.”
“You can still do those things with a baby,” I protested. “The world’s changed, Kelly. People fly everywhere now with kids in tow. We can visit places we’ve only dreamed of before.”
“We can,” she murmured. “But I also think I love home. My mind often goes to John, and I know how lucky I am to have Stevie here. You’ve gone through so much in so little time. Sometimes I wonder how you’re still standing.” She studied my face, frowning slightly. “Are things still weird with Connie?”
I turned the wheel to drive onto the main road into Mapletree. “Not weird as such. She’s just preoccupied, like she’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders. After Bandit stayed away from Dad’s funeral, she kind of withdrew. I don’t know if she felt as if she was in the middle of our supposed feud or if things with John are getting on top of her, too.”
Kelly stared off into space. “Never realized before how hard it is. You see it on the news, the troops being shipped out to the desert, and the cameras that follow them around their camps, but it’s always somebody else. It’s not real until you live it, and then it’s more real than you ever want real to be.”
I smiled ruefully, murmuring, “Damned straight.”
“And there’s me whining about maybe having to get married because maybe Stevie knocked me up out of wedlock. All because we live in a town full of religious puritans who think single mothers are the work of the Devil.” She shrugged. “Just goes to prove there’s always somebody worse off than you.”
I smiled at Kelly’s words, which I knew she exaggerated to make me laugh. She was a good friend and was there for me as much, if not more, than I was there for her.
Okay, so I missed John, but he was having a tougher time than I was. Perhaps I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and start counting my blessings. Dad being gone was hard, but I still had Mom and John. Even though my ol’ man wasn’t there physically, he did his best in his letters to be supportive.
Kelly was right. I needed to start becoming a glass-half-full kind of girl.
My eyes darted to Kelly, then back to the street leading toward the superstore. “Why do you think you’re pregnant? Isn’t Stevie careful?”
She shrugged carelessly, her face still turned toward the passenger side window. “Yeah, but you know as well as I do that condoms break. Plus, last month, we were so into it he forgot to put the condom on at first. He remembered before…” her eyes slid to me, “you know, but there’s still a risk of those pesky little swimmers getting through even if he hasn’t…” she shrugged again, “you know. Plus, my boobs are sore, I feel bloated, and my period’s nearly a week late.”
Something pinged at the back of my mind, and an icy shiver ran down my spine.
A memory flashed through my brain of John and I in a San Diego hotel room, loving each other so beautifully that I wanted to cry, and my guy’s voice echoed in my head.
Jesus. Forgot the wrap.
It was weird because my boobs had been sore recently, too, and my belly was beginning to bloat. I just assumed I was due my period. My eyebrows drew together in thought as I tried to calculate the date of my last period, but my mind blanked.
It took me a minute to get there, and I gasped inwardly when a realization hit me.
I hadn’t had a period since well before Dad died.
Months had gone by, and I hadn’t noticed, but I’d been a bit of a zombie with the funeral and trying with Mom to find a new normal ever since. I was also working forty-hour weeks plus overtime when I could. On top of that, I was desperately trying to keep things together at home. It was no wonder everything else had fallen by the wayside.
As if in a daze, I pulled into the car park at the superstore and found a spot.
“You coming?” Kelly asked.
I shook my head, fixing a smile on my face. “I’ll wait here.”
“Won’t be long.” She threw the door open, jumped down, and made for the double doors leading into the massive warehouse building.
My unseeing eyes followed her, frantically trying to piece things together in my head.
John remembered to put on a condom before he came, but before then, I sensed he was close. Was Kelly right? Was it possible to get pregnant regardless?
Furiously, I thought back to that night and everything we said and did. I remembered we showered together for the first time that night, among other things. Did he wear a condom? I made him come with my hand, but he was inside me before that.
What if…?
My eyes closed as my hand automatically went to my stomach. The clouds that had muddled my mind since Dad died parted, allowing bright clarity to shine through.
Was I pregnant?
Oh my God! Was I pregnant?
I’d gained a little weight over the last month or so. I’d found it strange because I’d only eaten enough to stay alive. Food tasted like sandpaper, and even coffee had lost its appeal, often making my belly churn.
I hadn’t had any sickness, but certain smells did turn my stomach. My mom used hairspray one morning, and I’d gagged at the chemical scent, even though it had never bothered me before.
Grabbing my purse from the passenger footwell, I burrowed inside and pulled out my small pocket calendar, frantically leafing through it to look at dates.
I always circled the first day of my period in red. The last date I’d circled was July 5, which was just over two weeks before I went to San Diego, which meant the last time I saw John. I was smack bang in the middle of my cycle.
The back of my skull hit Bessie’s headrest, and I cursed out loud.
Jesus!
An office door opened behind my desk and brought my mind back to the present. I looked up to see Mayor Henderson emerge, holding a stack of envelopes.
“Elise,” he called, approaching my desk. “Could you mail this correspondence? It all needs to go today.”
I smiled up at him. “Of course. I have a letter I want to send to John anyway. I’ll go in my lunch hour.”
The mayor studied me with kind eyes. “How’s John doing?”
“Okay,” I replied softly. “I don’t hear from him as much as I’d like. The Marine postal service isn’t great. Most of his letters get here late, that’s if they make it at all. It’s frustrating. He phones when he can, but we only get a minute before the line cuts out. The conditions there are difficult, and most of their power is needed for more essential things than calls back home.”
“Maybe it’s time for us to look into a fundraiser,” the mayor mused. “We could try and raise money for a computer for the men. Have you heard of the World Wide Web? There’s a thing called email that seems to be taking off. Letters arrive the second you click ‘send.’ It’s nifty.”
“We learned about it in my college course.” I beamed. “I’m sure they’d love that.”
“I’ll look into it,” he promised. “We could see if it’s feasible to set email up on our computers, too. That way, you could keep in touch much easier.”
“That’s so kind,” I murmured.
He shrugged. “We’ve all got to do our bit. I’ve been where John is. I understand how vital it is to have connections with home. It’s easy to get institutionalized into a different way of life if you live it for long enough. Having links with Hambleton will go a long way to help him reacclimatize when he eventually returns to us.”
I sat back in my chair to study Bert’s expression. “I keep forgetting you were in Vietnam.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “It was the best and the worst time of my life. We lived like pigs. If the enemy didn’t get you, the sanitation did its best, but I’ve never laughed so much or so hard before or since.” He smiled down at me. “He’ll be okay. He’s Bandit’s son, after all. That in itself makes him pig-headed enough to get himself home, if only to prove a damned point.”
For the first time in months, laughter bubbled in my throat. “I hope you’re right.”
He touched my hand comfortingly. “Have faith.”
I watched as Bert turned and ambled back into his office, closing the door behind him. Then, pulling my purse from the back of my chair, I fumbled inside for the letter I’d written to John the night before.
Unfolding it, I spread it flat on my desk and, with a sigh, began to read.
John,
I’ve got news.
Sit down and hold onto your hat because…
I’m pregnant.
I don’t know how it happened. I thought we were careful. It’s been months, and I’ve only just realized I’m carrying our baby. I took Kelly to Mapletree so she could get a pregnancy test on the lowdown. It got me thinking I hadn’t had a period in months, and I just knew.
The crazy thing is Kelly isn’t pregnant. It was a false alarm. But after getting a test too, it turns out I am. Nobody knows. I haven’t told a soul. I wanted you to be the first to know so we can decide together who to tell and what to do. It’s your baby too. I know we’re apart, but this is something I want us to do and plan together.
It’s a shock, and I’m scared, but I’m also happy. A part of you lives in me, John, and it’s beautiful. I know we’re young, but we can bring our plans forward. You said you didn’t want us to get married until you came home for good, but we can do it when you’re next on leave, and the baby and I can stay with Mom while you go back and finish your enlistment. Maybe she could look after the baby when I go back to work. It’s only my job keeping us afloat at the moment, so it makes sense.
I feel her, John, down in my soul. I think we’re having a girl. I think we’re gonna get our baby Constance like we always planned.
I’m sorry to spring it on you like this, but I had no other choice.
Please hurry and reply. I need you to tell me our next steps. I need to know what to do.
I love you, John, and I’m so honored and proud to have your baby. You’re the best man I know, and it”s a dream come true to be able to give our daughter some of your courage, goodness, and strength. I hope you’re well and keeping your wits about you.
Come home to me safe, John. Our baby needs its daddy.
Take care, baby.
Yours always,
Elise
XOXO
Folding the letter, I slid it back into its envelope and sealed it before standing and sliding the strap of my purse onto my shoulder. With trembling fingers, I bent over my desk and placed all the envelopes into a neat pile, then I exited the building and carefully walked down Main Street.
A windy chill fluttered down the street, blowing snowflakes in my face, but I didn’t much notice. My heart soared, and my insides settled warmly in my stomach, in the exact place my baby girl curled up safe and sound. Life was about to change again, but thankfully, this time, it wasn’t about death; it was about new life and new beginnings.
Except I’d find out very soon how wrong I was.
Like I said… the Reaper wasn’t done with me yet.
Fifteen minutes later, I turned to wave goodbye to Mr. Allen and walked back into the street. It was then I heard the rumble.
I knew immediately it was a heavy vehicle, simply because we didn’t hear or see many of them in town. The noise stood out, as it wasn’t something we were used to.
Looking left, my heart leaped into my throat because the truck was military. As it thundered up the road, pain slid through my chest. I raised a hand to rub my sternum because it was so acute it stopped my breath.
I sucked air into my lungs. “No,” I whispered wheezily. “No, no, no, no.”
My eyes stayed glued to the truck as it roared past me, heading out of town.
Toward John’s house.
My feet began to move of their own accord. Before I knew it, I was half running, half stumbling down Main Street toward Bessie. Blood rushed through my ears so forcefully that I missed the mayor calling my name. I couldn’t stop, I had to go.
I could hardly see through my tears, and my fingers tremored so severely I almost dropped Bessie’s keys, but I knew I had to get to the farmhouse. I had to get to Connie.
Swallowing down the bile rising in my throat, I scrambled into the driver’s seat, turned the ignition, and sped away from the sidewalk. I didn’t put my seat belt on. I didn’t even glance in my mirrors. If I had, I would’ve seen the small crowd of people gathered, watching me as I drove off in the truck, and noted the mayor running for his car.
The journey usually took about eight minutes; it took me five, and considering it had been snowing on and off, getting there in one piece was no mean feat. I know I should’ve slowed down, I was pregnant, and the last thing I needed was to crash the truck, but it was like my body was on autopilot. Muscle memory took over from my dazed brain that could only picture dark, evil scenarios of John miles away, broken, hurt, and needing me.
Finally, I turned onto the road leading to the farmhouse, slowing a little on my approach. The winter sky was dark, the clouds thick, grey, and full of snow waiting to fall. It cast a shadow on the military truck, which, by then, was parked by the farmhouse.
Connie was at the door with Bandit. He had his arm wrapped around her shoulders, seemingly holding her up. His jaw was clenched tight as he stood, back straight, listening to the man in uniform who handed him a letter.
I braked, opened the door, and stumbled to the ground.
That was when I heard it. Connie’s shriek. Chilling, animalistic, and crammed with so much raw pain that the sound sliced through my heart like a blade. It filled the air, and it filled me with all its jagged edges, sawing at my heart like a dull razor.
I fell to my knees, breath hitching as I watched Connie’s face pale to white. She clutched at her chest, and I watched, horrified, as she began to fall.
Abe ran over, shouting God only knew what, closely followed by Iris and Chainsaw, who I knew used to be an Army Medic.
Bandit roared Connie’s name, falling to his knees beside her, scooping her up into his arms, and screaming for help.
Everything seemed to happen in slow motion.
Chainsaw, Bandit, and Iris were on their knees, trying to resuscitate Connie, and the Military Officer was pacing as he furiously spoke to somebody on some kind of huge mobile telephone.
I began to shake. My arms, hands, torso, even my head. A dull, throbbing ache gripped my heart, then tore at it until I cried out with the pain. My insides felt as if somebody had thrust their hand through my skin, twisted, then ripped them out, root and stem.
Strong arms banded around me. “Elise,” Mayor Henderson murmured in my ear, “I’m getting you back in the truck. Okay?”
I didn’t reply. I hardly heard the words through the agony-filled wail filling my mind.
Suddenly, I was lifted and gently placed back in the driver’s seat. “It’s okay, Elise. Stay here, sweetheart. I’ll talk to Bandit and come straight back to you.”
I stared blankly at the crowd of people surrounding Connie, knowing I should go help but not trusting my numb limbs to work. Anyway, I was an outsider. I didn’t belong there.
Without John, I didn’t belong anywhere or to anyone.
Mayor Henderson hurried over and placed his hand on Bandit’s back. John’s dad was on his ass, his hands ripping at his hair. Torment, such pure torment. I recognized it, soul deep.
The mayor lowered to his haunches to speak to Bandit. John’s dad pointed to the uniformed man who stood by the door to the military truck and handed Bert the piece of paper still clutched in his hands.
Mayor Henderson read it, closed his eyes, and bowed his head.
And I knew.
Tears welled in my eyes, and I sobbed, deep and wracking.
The mayor stood to his full height and looked straight at me, his eyes conveying his sorrow. He began to walk toward me, and my chest jerked.
I didn’t want to hear it. Listening to the words would make it as real as the sight of my dad lying dead on the ground a few months earlier.
Thinking back, I wondered if I should’ve stayed around for Connie. Maybe I should’ve let the mayor say his piece and accepted what he was about to tell me. Perhaps I should’ve told John years ago that he couldn’t enlist, and I’d never allow him to leave me, not for one day, not for one hour, minute, or second.
Maybe I should’ve kept John by my side where he belonged and never let him out of my sight ever again.
But I didn’t, and now it was too late.
My hand flew to my stomach, to mine and John’s baby, and with tears flowing down my face, I made a split decision.
Leaning forward, my trembling fingers turned the keys in the ignition, and without looking, I reversed Bessie, headed for the road, and drove.
I needed to be close to my ol’ man.
A few hours later, Robert and Stevie found me lying against our tree down at the creek.
The entire town had been searching for me, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be found. At least if I froze to death, I could be with him.
I was in the hospital at the same time as Connie. During the night, I woke up, went to her room, and stood in the doorway watching Bandit stroke her hand, his head bowed over her still body.
She’d had a massive stroke, and she passed away the next day, and I lost all faith.
I loved her, I did, so much. It was like losing a mother, but nothing made me ache like losing John Stone, my ol’ man and the love of my life. I couldn’t function properly, and the only reason I kept myself breathing was because of the baby in my belly.
John’s baby.
The mayor came to the hospital with Mom and told me everything. John’s unit had been ambushed, and he was missing in action, presumed dead. A military truck had been blown up by enemy soldiers who had been hiding in caves.
They never recovered his body.
Connie’s funeral took place two weeks after she passed. I watched from the hill in the distance with Stevie and Kelly. I wanted to say goodbye, and I believed John would have wanted me to pay my respects to his beautiful mom. Except I couldn’t get close because Bandit only wanted Club and close family there.
And I didn’t make the cut.
They held off on John’s funeral. They never found him, so they advised Bandit to let some time pass before burying him, just in case.
It was almost a relief. I’d attended too many funerals already, and I wasn’t ready for the finality of it.
Weirdly, it gave me hope for a while. I kept dreaming John was alive somewhere, hurt, begging me for help. It was beautiful torture, because although he was in torment, at least in my dreams, he was alive.
I only left my bedroom for Connie’s funeral. My stomach had popped slightly, but luckily, it was winter, and I could hide my body with baggy sweaters and oversized coats. Nobody knew. I told the doctors and nurses at the hospital not to say a word. Because of patient confidentiality laws, they had to respect my wishes.
It wasn’t that I was ashamed—I didn’t care what anyone thought—I just didn’t know how to tell people without John. It seemed wrong; he should’ve been there with me, sharing in my joy at starting our little family. The thought of announcing it without him shredded me, so I didn’t.
Then, just after the holidays, somebody made me a proposition. They gave me a way to not only keep my baby but also give her a good life, along with my mom, who’d also be looked after.
The funny thing was, my dad always told me that if something seemed too good to be true, it probably was.
I really should’ve listened.