Chapter Twenty-Seven
Elise
John,
They told me you were dead, but how can that be?
How can you die and my body not get ripped apart too? How can I still be here without you when you’re my sole reason for existing?
I always believed you and I were so intrinsically linked that one couldn’t be, at least not without the other.
Maybe that’s why my soul is shredded: the laws of nature have been imbalanced, and I shouldn’t be here, not without you.
I’ve thought about it, you know, letting go. Then I feel Constance move and realize you’d be mad at me if I did what I so desperately wanted. So, I’ll stay for her and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ll try and live for her, and maybe one day she can fix the wound you’ve left on my heart. I know it won’t ever disappear, but maybe she can stop it bleeding so much.
I love you, John.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Yours always,
Elise
XOXO
Mr. Allen smiled at me softly, his eyes tinged with worry lines as he studied me. “Elise, are you sure?”
“Yes,” I said flatly. “Please mail it.”
He patted my hand gently and nodded his assent, before turning and placing the letter in a post bag behind the counter. “Leave it with me, sweetheart.”
Murmuring my thanks, I turned and walked out onto Main Street, pulling the lapels of my coat together to shield me from the wind.
Mr. Allen probably thought I’d gone nuts, writing to a dead man. It wasn’t like I didn’t know that continuing to write to John was stupid—it wasn’t like he’d read my letters—but I didn’t care.
Sometimes, I fantasized he was lost somewhere and would one day turn up at his base. What if he’d hurt his head and his memory had been affected? He’d need my letters to work out who he was and piece everything together.
My ol’ man would need them to find his way home to me.
But it was wishful thinking, and the practical side of me knew it wouldn’t happen. Perhaps not being able to say goodbye was a consequence of not having a funeral, or maybe I was just going crazy.
Almost trancelike, I wandered down Main Street and onto Monument Street toward the mayor’s office. My employer had been great with me, giving me time to get my head around the fact that John was gone. I had to work, though; I needed money, especially with a baby on the way.
I pushed the door open and walked inside, shivering as a wall of warmth hit me.
The office hadn’t changed, except it wasn’t as neat as usual. Papers were strewn across my desk, and coffee cups littered the surfaces. Mayor Henderson would be glad to get me back to work. The place needed some order, and at least I could keep myself busy.
A door opened, and I looked up. “Hey, Mayor Hender—” I stopped when I saw Robert walk out of his dad’s office.
He smiled, waving a sheath of papers. “Dad asked me to come in on my way home and grab some papers for him.” His blue eyes trailed down my body. “Are you okay?”
I nodded toward my desk. “I came in to tell the mayor I’ll be back at work Monday. By the looks of it, nobody’s been filing while I’ve been sick.”
Robert smiled. “My dad’s useless at paperwork. It’s why he hired you.”
My eyes slid around the room, taking in the mess, and with a rueful sigh, I started to unbutton my coat. “I’ll tidy now so I can get on with catching with filing up on Monday.” I slid my coat off and twisted around to lay it over my desk.
“Elise,” Robert whispered, his tone shocked.
“Huh?” I turned back to him and stilled when I saw Robert staring down at my stomach, his face ashen. Glancing down, my heart sank when I saw my sweater had ridden up to expose my very pregnant belly.
A hand flew to my throat, and I cursed under my breath.
“I didn’t know,” Robert said huskily, his gaze still lowered, taking me in. “I had no clue. Is it John’s?”
“Of course it’s John’s,” I retorted. “Who else’s would it be?”
Robert seemed to come out of his trance and raised his hands defensively. “I’m sorry. It was just a shock. I didn’t know you were pregnant, which is nearly impossible in this town. God knows how the news hasn’t gotten back to me.”
I dug the heel of my palm in my eye, and I sighed. “The town gossips haven’t lost their touch, Robert. Nobody knows, not even my mom.”
His eyes widened. “Jesus, Elise,” he exclaimed. “How have you managed to hide it?”
“My bump’s quite small, I guess.” I shrugged.
His face twisted in confusion. “How far along are you?”
I counted back. “I think about six months.”
His eyes widened again. “You think? What does your OB-GYN or midwife think? You look small for six months. Is everything okay?”
I stilled because Robert’s words hit me like a sledgehammer.
Food wasn’t my priority, nor was my health. I walked around in a daze most of the time, some days not eating at all. What if my thoughtlessness had hurt my baby?
“I don’t have an OB-GYN or a midwife,” I whispered. “The only doctor I’ve seen was the one in the ER, when you and Stevie took me in the day I found out about John…” Tears filled my eyes.
Robert took my hand and led me to a chair, sitting me down and lowering to his haunches in front of me. He took both of my hands in his, staring into my eyes. “Elise. You’re going to be a mom. You know that, right?”
“Of course I do,” I snapped. “I’m not stupid. I’ve just been preoccupied with Dad and Connie and… everything.”
“Elise,” he said, softer that time. “You have to see a doctor.”
Wrenching a hand from Robbie’s, I rested it on my stomach, almost awestruck. “I don’t know what to do. I miss him so much I can’t think straight. I can’t eat or sleep, and I know I’m a mess. Everything’s so muddled in my head, and I ache, Robert. I ache so much I can’t breathe.”
Robert’s shoulders slumped. “It’s okay. I’ll sort it out. The first thing we need to do is to get you to an OB-GYN and get you both checked out.”
“It’ll show on my medical insurance,” I reminded him. “Your dad will find out.”
“We’ll worry about that when the time comes,” he said decisively. “You should’ve had checkups and ultrasound imaging by now. There’s so much to prepare for, and you’ve only got three months left.” He stood to his full height and reached across my desk, yanking the phone toward him. After dialing a number, he said in hushed tones, “Scalp. I need a favor. I’ve got a girl who needs a prenatal checkup. She’s about six months along and hasn’t seen a doctor yet.” His eyes slid to me. “Also need to pay cash, no questions asked.” He paused then, “I’ll cover it.” Robert listened for a few seconds before checking his watch. “Yeah, we can make it. Your clinic? Thanks.”
He put the phone down, took my elbow, and pulled me to my feet. “Come on, we’ve got to be in Mapletree in forty minutes. You’ve got a doctor’s appointment.”
My mouth fell open. “I—I don’t know–”
“Times’a wasting,” Robert insisted. “Come on.” He grabbed my coat and slid it over my shoulders before taking my hands in his again and cupping my face. “It’s going to be okay, Elise. You’re not alone. I told John I’d look after you, and I meant it.” He pulled me gently against him and hugged me.
My throat heated at the mention of my ol’ man, and I nodded dazedly. “Okay.”
Robert took my hand and let us out of the office, locking the door behind us. His BMW was parked just a few yards away. He beeped the locks and ushered me into the passenger side before jogging around the hood and jumping in.
“Seat belt,” he barked.
I smiled because, at that moment, he reminded me of John. My head swiveled, and I touched his shoulder lightly. “Thank you, Robert. You’re a good friend.”
He leaned forward, pecked my cheek, and murmured, “I’ve got you, Elise.”
Smiling, I reached for my seat belt. Something caught the corner of my eye, and without a thought, I turned to see what it was.
My heart jolted when I saw Bandit glaring at me from the sidewalk.
Automatically, I raised my hand in greeting, but I froze when I noticed the icy look of disdain slashed across his face. Golden brown eyes narrowed on mine, and his lip curled in disgust.
An apprehensive shiver slithered down my spine.
Bandit’s weathered face turned to the side, jerking as he spat on the sidewalk. An eyebrow cocked, and after shooting me another icy glare, he turned around and sauntered down the street without even a backward glance.
“What the hell was that about?” Robert asked, concerned eyes meeting mine. “Are you okay?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting back the waves of emotion threatening to engulf me. “Please, just drive,” I whispered. “Get me out of here.”
His hand hit my knee, and he patted it reassuringly. “Of course.” The car engine purred to life, and with a turn of the steering wheel, we were on our way.
I settled back into the warmth of the comfortable car seat, eyes glued to the window, staring but not seeing anything. My thoughts flashed back to Bandit, and I wondered what he was doing in town. He didn’t often venture in, preferring to stay ‘in his own lane’ as my dad always said.
My throat thickened, and an overwhelming sense of loss gripped my chest—not just for John but also for Connie, Dad, Bandit, Abe, and Iris.
It could’ve been so different with us. We could’ve held onto each other for support. They could’ve helped me with my pregnancy. And maybe Bandit could’ve taken a little comfort in knowing that a part of John wasn’t lost forever.
A lot of what Bandit did cut me deep. It was tough when he wasn’t there for me when Dad died, but I would’ve eventually gotten over it. What killed me was Connie’s funeral. He made it clear that only close friends and family were welcome but didn’t ask me.
Bandit had left me out in the cold without even a damned blanket to garner warmth from. He made his mind up about me the very first time John brought me around. I’d always thought the judgmental ones were the townsfolk, but Bandit was equally as judgmental as them, just in a different way.
My hand stroked across my belly, and for the very first time since I did the pregnancy test, a fierce sense of protectiveness jolted through me like electricity.
I’d shield my baby from it. Bandit could be her grandaddy, but it would be on my terms. My baby may be born with ties to the club, but she’d never know its dark side.
Words I vowed to John on the night of his twenty-first birthday floated through my mind.
I’d die for our kid. I’d sacrifice myself over and over to keep them safe and away from harm, son or daughter.
Then, an inner realization hit me so hard that I flinched slightly.
John was gone, but not everything was lost. I still had our baby, and I’d protect her with my life.
Even if it meant from her own kin.
“Looks like you’re havin’ a girl,” the doctor said casually—at least I thought he was a doctor. I couldn’t tell through his scruffy clothes, long beard, and greasy hair.
My gaze slid toward the screen of the ancient-looking sonogram machine, and I smiled. “I know.”
The ‘doctor’ glanced at Robert, who stood next to me and smirked. “You’ve been busy. Two due at the same time, give or take a week—”
Robert’s hard stare shut him up.
The doctor pressed the wand back into my stomach, his eyes returning to the screen. “Goin’ by the dates you gave me, she’s measurin’ a bit small, but nothin’ to worry about. I’d put your due date around April 25.”
“Small?” I asked.
He put the wand down and snapped his gloves off. “Babies come in different shapes and sizes. Yours is measurin’ small, but like I said, she’s developin’ okay.” His eyes met mine, and he grinned. “At least you don’t gotta push out a ten-pounder. That shit’s gotta sting.” He grabbed the leather cut which had been thrown haphazardly over the back of a chair and shrugged it on. The patch showed a flame-filled skull with a rocker conveying the club name: Burning Sinners MC.
I decided there and then that he wasn’t a doctor. He was an asshole.
“Thanks,” I murmured, wiping the gel away from my protruding belly before pushing my top down and sitting up.
Robert moved to the corner of the room and went into his pocket, pulling out a stack of cash. After peeling off a few hundred-dollar bills, he murmured something to the doctor and handed them over.
My forehead furrowed.
I had no idea Robert was so well-off. I knew he did some legal work here and there, and the mayor told me once that his son was an entrepreneur, but it was just in passing. I assumed he dabbled in the stock markets, like Michael Douglas in the movie Wall Street.
I’d seen it, but it wasn’t my thing. Working Girl with Melanie Griffith was more my speed.
Jumping down from the table, I went to grab my coat, but Robert was already there, sliding it across my shoulders. He turned and propelled me toward the door. “Remember what I said, Scalp,” he called back. “Not a word.”
Scalp chuckled. “Shall I tell Slash he’ll be seein’ ya later?”
Robert came to an abrupt halt, turned, and spat, “Shut the fuck up.”
My eyes flew up to his face, widening. I’d never heard him speak that way before.
After a pause, his taught shoulders visibly relaxed, and his blue eyes rested on mine. “Come on.” He reached for the door and ushered me through without another word.
“Is everything okay?” I asked as he ensconced me in the car.
“Fine,” he clipped out, closing the door and hurrying to the driver’s side. “There’s a way to treat those kinds of people, Elise,” he continued as he slid onto his seat. “You’re precious, and with John gone, it’s my responsibility to keep you safe. If you want to keep the pregnancy quiet for now, I’ll do all I can to support you, but by doing so, I had to expose you to filth. I’m sorry, but taking you there was a calculated risk.”
“Who is he?” I asked.
“A friend of an acquaintance,” he replied, starting the car and pulling onto the main road. “Unfortunately, in my line of work, I sometimes come into contact with scum,” he glanced at me, “It’s not something I like, but it’s necessary if I want to grow my business.”
I cocked my head curiously. “What is your business?”
He kept his eyes glued to the road as he drove. “Acquisitions, sales, imports, exports. I find things, use them up, then sell them to the highest bidder when they’re no good to me anymore.”
“Oh,” I said thoughtfully, staring at the lights of the superstore as we drove past.
His lips thinned. “My business is highly profitable, but those kinds of men can’t be avoided. It’s a downside I hate, but I have to roll with the punches.”
“What do they do for you?” I inquired.
“Security mostly. Sometimes, some heavy work. My exports are sent worldwide and are worth a lot of money to me. Men like that are useful for getting my stock from A to B.”
“Right,” I whispered, eyes going to the scenery speeding past. “It’s good you’re building something.” Another thought hit me, and I turned back to Robert. “What did he mean when he said two due at the same time?”
“You’re not the only one with a secret, Elise.” A red stain appeared on Robert’s cheek, and he smiled ruefully. “How about we go somewhere nice for dinner? I missed lunch, and I could eat a horse. There’s a nice restaurant on the other side of Mapletree. I can tell you all about it while we eat,” he smiled kindly, “and you need some feeding up.”
I shook my head to refuse, but Robert cut me off.
“You’re eating for two now, Elise, and you need to do the best you can for your little girl. It’s what John would’ve wanted.”
My hand stroked lovingly over my stomach, and I nodded. “Okay.”
The dim lights of the restaurant cast a shadow over Robert’s face while he perused the menu.
He was pretty good-looking. Blond-haired, blue-eyed, and tall with sinewy muscle, like a track runner. His manners were impeccable, and he oozed confidence. More than one woman in the room glanced furtively at him from under their eyelashes, but he didn’t seem to notice.
He ordered salad, steak, and dauphinoise potatoes—whatever they were—before handing the menus back to the waiter and turning back to me.
“Are you okay?” I asked, taking in his forlorn expression.
The rueful smile he was so good at flashed across his face, and he shrugged. “You’re not the only one with a broken heart.”
My chest tightened. “I’m sorry, Robert.”
He waved a hand. “It’s okay, actually, it’s for the best. The girl I loved turned out to be somebody I didn’t know as well as I thought I did. I’ve been seeing her for a year, on and off, and… well… she’s pregnant with my son.”
My eyes widened. “So that’s what the doctor meant?”
He jerked a nod. “She’s due a little earlier than you. The problem is she doesn’t want me or the baby.”
A hand flew to my throat. “Why?”
His gaze lowered. “I thought we were building something, even wanted to marry. I offered. She laughed in my face and said she was giving the baby up for adoption and was leaving town. Her exact words were, ‘I don’t want to be tied down with your brat.’”
My heart went out to him. “I’m so sorry. What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to take my son and raise him,” he said, tone quietly determined. “I’m going to give him everything.”
I studied his expression, a mix of awe and pride, and I suddenly felt warm. It was a weird feeling. Warmth wasn’t an everyday occurrence anymore, not without John.
“I’m worried, though,” he murmured. “You know what the townsfolk of Hambleton are like. I worry they’ll stigmatize him before he’s even born. It’s why I’ve kept it quiet.”
I let out a quiet snort. “Tell me about it.”
His gaze wandered down to my stomach. “We’re in the same boat, it seems. What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “Sometimes I want to pack a bag and leave everything behind, but Mom won’t move from the house, and I’m not sure I can do it alone. I’d have to work, of course, but who’d look after my baby?” My shoulders slumped. “Hambleton’s full of memories of John. Just walking down Main Street makes me remember, and it’s torture, but leaving and not having those memories anymore would be worse torture.” Tears welled up, and I swiped at my face. “I’ve always had John to lean on, but now I haven’t got anybody. Mom’s still wrapped up in losing Dad, and Bandit… well…” I rubbed the back of my neck trying to ease the tension there. “I don’t even have Stevie and Kelly. They’re so wrapped up in each other. Being around them’s just a reminder of what I’ve lost.” My throat thickened with tears again.
“I’ve got the same problem,” he mused. “Mom’s sick, and Dad’s the mayor, so he’s got responsibilities for the town, and so have I. It’s a shame we can’t magic a mother and father for our children out of thin air. Somebody who understands and won’t make demands on us.”
I nodded my agreement.
“Wait,” he muttered, his head snapping up to look at me. “That’s it.”
My eyebrows drew together. “That’s what?”
His eyes met mine, and I could almost see the cogs turning behind them. “We should get married.”
The mere thought was laughable. There was no damned way I was marrying anybody except for John Stone, which meant I’d never marry. “No, Robert.”
“Why not?” he insisted.
My head reared back slightly. “For one, we’re not in love with each other. Second, we both love other people. Third,” my eyes welled with tears, “the thought of anybody but John ever touching me makes me want to die.”
Robert leaned over the table and took my hand in his. “That’s not what I meant. It wouldn’t be that kind of marriage because—well—I feel the same way about…” his voice trailed off. “What I mean is, it would be two friends getting together to raise their children in a safe environment. We wouldn’t even share a bedroom.”
Resting my elbows on the table, I rubbed at my temples. “I don’t understand. How would it even work?”
Robert”s eyes shone as his brain ticked over. “Nobody knows you’re pregnant. We could go away, say, for six months until the babies are born. In the meantime, we’d get married, say in Vegas or something. Nobody needs to know the details. They’ll just think we grew closer in our grief and got together. We used to date. It’s not outside the realms of possibility.”
“But what about John?” I asked quietly, letting the ‘used to date’ comment slide. “People will think I don’t love him.”
“No,” he said reassuringly. “Everybody knows how much you loved each other. They’ll think you’ve moved on, like John would want.” His eyes softened. “You’re young and beautiful. You’re allowed a life and to raise John’s daughter, his legacy. It would solve all our problems, don’t you see?”
“I don’t know,” I breathed, head swimming with questions. “What if you fall in love? Meet someone else? You’ll be trapped.”
“We’ll get an annulment,” he replied. “We won’t even need to divorce, seeing as we won’t consummate the marriage. You’ll be looked after, and so will your daughter. I can make sure your mom’s cared for, too. None of you will want for anything. Don’t you see? It’s the perfect solution. I love you—as a friend—and I can’t think of anyone better to help me raise my son, and in my own way, I’ll keep my promise to John to look out for you.”
“It’s crazy, Robert,” I protested.
“It’ll be crazier not to.” He leaned forward, looking me dead in the eye. “You will be a fantastic mother to both children. I’ll help raise and guide your daughter, and you’ll do the same with my boy. We can instill the values they need to be good people, and they won’t be stigmatized by the town. We’ll be protecting them, Elise. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my boy. And if I know you at all, there’s no doubt you feel the same way. John sacrificed everything for his country; surely we can sacrifice a little for our children. We can honor John best through his daughter.”
His words resonated deep inside.
My ol’ man had given the ultimate sacrifice, his life, and honestly, my life had been wiped out in the blink of an eye. I didn’t blame John; he couldn’t have known. If anything, I was proud of his courage and the way he lived life according to his own rules, even if it did contribute to our lives being blown apart.
There was no question I’d love anyone again. How could anyone else measure up? I couldn’t give somebody a broken heart or a soul that belonged to somebody else.
And anyway, they weren’t mine to give.
They were John’s and always would be.
I looked down at my daughter and ran my fingertips over my stomach. What do I do, baby? What do you want me to do?
That was when I felt a little jolt from deep inside.
My head flew up. “She kicked. I just felt her kick.”
Robert was out of his seat in seconds and on his knees beside me. “Can I?” he implored.
Taking his hand, I placed it on my stomach, eyes meeting Robert’s expectantly. My skin jerked, and Robert”s eyes widened. “It’s beautiful,” he croaked. “I think I love her already.” He stood, smiling down at me, returning to his chair. “If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.”
The waiter came over with our food, checked everything was okay, and left us again.
Robert jerked his chin toward my plate. “Eat,” he ordered good-naturedly. “We need to get your strength up,” his eyes met mine, “for John.”
I picked up my knife and fork and looked down at my plate, my stomach churning at the thought of eating. Then, another little kick jerked inside, spurring me on.
Carefully, I cut a tiny piece of steak, chewed, and swallowed. My eyes went to Robert, who was eating with gusto with a small smile playing around his mouth. “Can I think about it?” I asked.
He chewed and swallowed. “Yeah.”
I looked down at my plate and sighed. Robert was right. I had to start looking after my health more. John would be angry if he knew I wasn’t taking care of myself.
It was hard, though. Robert’s proposition was swirling in my head. He made a lot of sense, but even so, the thought of a man who wasn’t John sliding a ring onto my finger made me feel sick.
But there was more to think about than myself or even my baby. John had a whole other family who loved him, and although things were fraught, I knew I owed it to my ol’ man to give them a chance.
Robert had given me a solution to every obstacle in my way. Still, there was one person I needed to speak to, if only to help me decide what to do one way or the other.
As much as the thought brought a tremor to my fingers, I owed it to John to do one last thing.
I had to speak to Bandit.