Chapter Twenty-Nine
Elise
Robert decided we should stay in Santa Barbara, at least until the babies were born, so we did. You see, everything Robert wanted, Robert got, but only because the thought of going back to Hambleton made me throw up.
Anyway, I liked the beach. It wasn’t laid back, relaxed, and littered with families and students on their summer break like the one in San Diego. My new beach was pretty much deserted, because the land was owned by the owners of the large, expensive properties sitting adjacent.
Still, I finally felt a little peace. Most of my day was spent sitting on the soft, pale sand and looking out at the sea while I murmured words of love to my baby.
I told her about her Grandma Connie—the fine woman she was named after—and her Grandpa Jerome. I mostly told her about her beautiful daddy and how much he would’ve adored her.
Reliving our story was painful but, in a way, comforting. It wasn’t like I was trying to keep John alive. I just wanted to pass on his legacy—or our legacy. I didn’t want something that meant so much to die with him. Love like we had was so life-changing, so soul-deep, that it needed to be acknowledged because it was real, and it was ours, if only for a while.
Robert kept his word and never touched me.
He often went out at night, probably for sex, but I didn’t care. Our marriage was an arrangement, and Robert wasn’t mine. Also, I wanted that for him because he wouldn’t get it from me.
In other ways, he was a good husband. I never wanted for anything. Flowers, jewelry, and small gifts appeared around the house. If I mentioned a book I like the idea of reading, it would turn up the next day. He wasn’t overly generous, but he didn’t need to be, seeing as I wasn’t overly materialistic. But the little things made me smile, albeit fleetingly.
Though I lived in a fog, I got by, which was more than I thought I would. One day at a time became my mantra, and slowly, I began to feel again. My stomach popped, seemingly overnight, and I looked forward to the day I birthed her.
Which came sooner than I imagined.
“We’re going home tomorrow,” Robert announced from behind his newspaper.
My fingers began to tremble so hard that coffee sloshed from my cup. “Tomorrow?”
He folded his newspaper, rested it on the stark white tablecloth, and stared at me. “Don’t you want to?”
A hand automatically went to my rounded stomach, and possession roared through me. “I want to have the baby before I move back to town. If Bandit knows when I give birth… the dates…” my voice trailed off. “She might not be safe.”
Robert leaned forward. “Elise. My son’s due any day now. I need to be there for him.” He took my hand gently in his. “I’m sorry.”
“Can you go back, and I stay here until I’ve given birth?” I implored.
He shook his head. “I’m not letting either of you out of my sight, but I need to be close to Mapletree.”
I swallowed down the bile rising in my throat. “There’s got to be another way. Please, Robert.”
He sat back, studying me contemplatively. “Maybe I could find somewhere for us to stay in Mapletree. It’s not ideal, but if you stay indoors and hidden, I can keep you safe.”
My heart sank. “It’s too close for comfort, Robert.”
“What if I hire a security team?” he suggested. “I could put a guard on you at all times. Nobody could get to you.” His eyebrows drew together, and blue eyes bored into mine. “I need to be there.”
My shoulders slumped.
Of course he needed to be there. I did, too. We’d made a deal, and thankfully, Robert had kept his promises. If we were going to make a go of this, we both needed to be there for both our children or what was the point of going through with the marriage in the first place?
I smiled. “You’re right, Robert, Mapletree will work. We need to get back to your son. I’m sorry if I lost sight of the fact.”
His thumb stroked over mine. “He’ll be our son, Elise. I couldn’t dream of a better mother for him than you. As far as I’m concerned, the second he’s born, he’s yours as much as mine. I can’t wait for us to be a real family. I’ll give you a good life, Elise, if you let me.” His hand stilled. “I want to run something past you.”
I looked at him expectantly.
“For generations, the Henderson family have passed down the name Robert to each first-born son. I’d like to do the same, if it’s acceptable to you.”
“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” I breathed. “Legacy means everything.” My hand went to my belly again, and I stroked it lovingly.
Robert dropped my hand, rising from his chair. “Excellent,” he decreed. “Robert Junior, it is.” He gave me a slight nod. “I’ll go and start making the arrangements. Could you tell the staff to pack?”
Smiling my assent, I watched Robert leave the room, deep in thought.
Maybe getting back to reality was what I needed, or at least to take a step toward it. Babies being born waited for no one, and it had been selfish of me to keep him away from the mother of his son. I knew the circumstances between them weren’t ideal, and they weren’t together, but he still should’ve been there to support her, and I should’ve helped facilitate it.
Looking back now, the signs were already there, but I was so deep in my depression that I couldn’t see the wood for the trees.
It was only later, when I recalled that very conversation, that a big realization hit me.
Never once did Robert include my daughter in all his talk of family.
“He’s beautiful,” I cooed, heart squeezing for the baby boy in my arms.
Robert had gotten the call late at night to tell him his ex-girlfriend was in labor, then hours later returned with his son in his arms. Robert Junior, or RJ as I called him, was one day old and perfectly healthy.
“He looks so much like you,” I whispered, smoothing my hand over the baby’s downy blond hair. “He’s got your eyes, too.”
RJ let out a little squawk, and it hit me somewhere deep and warm, making me giggle.
The maternal instinct wasn’t there, and this little boy was lovely, but didn’t feel quite right in my arms. But I knew it would come, probably when Constance arrived. In the meantime, there was nothing to stop me from trying to build a familial connection with him.
My eyes raised to take in Robert’s proud expression. “How’s his mother? Did she have a hard time giving him up? Was it awful?”
“No,” he said flatly, eyes cold and hard. “She’s gone.” His gaze suddenly warmed. “I want to make something clear, Elise. As far as I, or anyone else, is concerned, you’re Robert’s mother. You are the woman who birthed him, and you’re the woman who will raise him. You, Elise, will be the one to give him the nurturing he needs to be happy while I give him the lessons he needs to be strong.”
Something about his tone made the fine hair on my arms stand up. I searched Robert’s face for a clue as to what was going on in his head, but his expression had blanked, his features smoothed out.
“Are you okay?” I asked quietly. “You seem, well, not yourself.”
“I’m fine,” he murmured. “It’s not every day a man becomes a father. It’s given me a newfound sense of determination to do right by my son. Every man dreams of having a boy in his image, a boy who’ll grow up to become just like him. A boy I can guide in my stead to become powerful and influential.”
My eyes held his gaze. “And what about love?”
Robert smiled, and a cold trickle ran down my spine. “That, my dear, is your job.” He turned for the door, saying breezily, “I’m going out, and I won’t be back until tomorrow. Can I leave Robert Junior in your capable hands?”
“But it’s his first day home with us,” I protested. “Don’t you want to spend time bonding with him? I read somewhere how skin-to-skin contact between father and baby can be helpful—”
“I have a meeting,” he said, effectively cutting off the conversation. “Somebody has to earn money if we want to give him a decent lifestyle. A while back, I commissioned a new house to be built in the area by the Country Club. The architect designed us the biggest and best house in the area, set apart from the rest. It’s almost finished, so when things have settled down, we’re moving back to Hambleton.”
My brow creased questioningly. “Robert,” I whispered. “Can we talk about this? Please?”
He checked his watch with a flourish. “Not now, Elise.”
“Robert—” but I was speaking to thin air because he’d already disappeared.
My eyes closed, and I tamped down all the emotions surging through me.
So much in Hambleton reminded me of John. I knew one day I’d have to face it, but I was still trying to get myself together. I wasn’t ready. I’d let John go because I didn’t have a choice, but I worried that being there would bring back the dark cloud always hovering, ready to strike.
The doctor had given me medication, which he said would help me, but I didn’t want to take it until after Constance was born. Plus, I’d heard of these pills. They’d turn me into a zombie.
My gaze lowered to the baby boy in my arms, and I stroked a finger over his soft cheek. Maybe this was it for me. Perhaps I was always meant to be a mother to RJ and Constance but never a real wife.
Love came in many forms, and just because I couldn’t share my love with John, it didn’t mean I couldn’t have it all. The area where Robert told me he was building his house was far enough away from the club, and I only needed to go into town occasionally.
I could stay indoors with the children, and hopefully, in a couple of years, when they needed me to take them out more, I’d be able to cope better.
With a soft coo, I stood, taking care to keep Robert Junior secure, and made my way into the kitchen to prepare his next feed, before going to the nursery and settling into the rocking chair.
A lavish house in an affluent area was a far cry from where I thought I’d end up. I couldn’t help smiling when I thought back to the big kitchen I’d asked for. A big house was all very well, but it wasn’t a lifestyle I particularly craved, but I guess it didn’t really matter.
At least with the children around me, we could make it a happy home.
Four weeks later, during the night, a sharp pain in my stomach awoke me.
Throwing the comforter to one side, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and slowly got to my feet. I’d had backache all day and suspected something might happen, so I’d asked Robert to stay home just in case. According to Scalp’s sonogram, I still had a few weeks to go to full term. Still, I didn’t hold much faith in his abilities, so I wasn’t surprised it was happening differently than he told me.
A sharp pain hit me, and I bent double, gasping. I got to my door, opened it, and called out for Robert.
Within seconds, he was guiding me back inside my room, crooning soft endearments.
“I need to go to the hospital,” I demanded. “Get your keys. Robert, help me.”
He led me back to my bed. “I’ve arranged a home birth,” he murmured. “You’re young and healthy. There’s no reason you can’t give birth here. I have a midwife and a nurse on standby. They’ll be with you before you know it.”
“I want to go to the hospital, Robert,” I cried out. “You can’t stop me. I’ll call an ambulance. Hell, I’ll call a cab if I have to.”
“And what if word gets back to Bandit?” he snapped. “Use your head, Elise. I can’t protect you if you’re exposed in a public place.” He helped me down onto the mattress and pulled my comforter across my body. “I’ll call the midwife.” He hurried to the door. “I won’t be long.”
My skull fell back against the headboard, and my hands cradled my stomach. I could feel Constance moving around in there; she was so active. I’d always assumed I’d have her in hospital. A tinge of unease crept through me, but I ignored it.
Women had been having home births for centuries. If Robert had professionals coming, I’d be fine.
I smiled in wonder at my baby’s strength. Things had been rocky there for a while. In my grief, I hadn’t taken the best care of her, but all that was about to change.
Not for the first time, a thread of excitement weaved through my chest, and for the first time in months, a broad grin spread across my face.
It was time. Very soon, mine and John’s daughter would be in my arms, right where she belonged. I couldn’t wait to look down at her sweet face, feed her, change her diaper, and sing her to sleep. As dangerous as it was, I wanted her to look like her daddy, but I’d settle for her having her dad’s courage and strong values.
A sudden wave of emotion hit me, alongside another painful contraction. I breathed through it, like I’d read in my pregnancy books, and sent up a silent prayer for the midwife to hurry.
“I’ll make you proud, John,” I whispered. “I love you, baby. Always.”
Noises filtered into the room. The doorbell rang, and then low and murmured voices carried through the house. I breathed a relieved sigh. The midwife must’ve arrived.
Sitting up, I gritted my teeth at the sharp ache radiating through my back. Whoever said labor was beautiful must’ve been a masochist. My spine felt as if a herd of elephants had trampled it. The pain jolting through my belly made my jaw clench tightly.
The door opened, and I looked up expectantly, only to see Scalp saunter into the room with Robert following in his wake. He looked even scruffier than last time I saw him. “Evening,” he called out, shrugging off his Burning Sinners cut and throwing it over my dresser.
My eyebrows snapped together with confusion. “What’s going on?” I demanded, my stare sliding to my husband. “Robert. What’s happening? What’s he doing here? Where’s the midwife?”
“You remember Scalp?” Robert drawled, utterly unaffected by the panic in my tone. “He’s going to give you a C-section.”
A sinking sensation gripped my chest. “What are you talking about…?” My voice trailed off as I watched Scalp rummage inside an old medical bag and take out surgical tools one by one, lining them up on the dresser.
“I need that alcohol and boilin’ water,” he said, turning to Robert. “Don’t got all night.”
My shocked stare met Robert’s cold one, and a dark, ominous feeling slid through my chest as the God-awful truth hit me. “Why?” I croaked. “I did everything you wanted, Robert. Why?”
My husband approached the bed and sat next to me on the mattress. “I can’t raise his bastard, Elise,” he explained coldly. “I’ve found a good home for your child. She’ll be loved and well looked after. I’ll even make sure she gets a college education. I’ll keep her safe, I promise. You just have to comply.”
My hands began to violently shake, and my lungs burned with pain. I tried to push the comforter back, but Robert grabbed my arms, pinning me to the bed. “Now,” he ordered.
I thrashed, my legs kicking out, my body jerking as Scalp approached with a needle. “Get off me,” I shrieked.
“Hold her still, for fuck’s sake, Rob,” he muttered. “It’s like tryin’a stick a squealin’ pig.”
Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth and let out a piercing scream, just as another contraction hit my belly. My scream morphed into a pain-filled moan.
Scalp pulled a hand in front of his chest and backhanded me across the mouth. “Shut the fuck up, or I won’t bother puttin’ you under. I’ll take your brat out while you’re awake with no damned pain relief. Ungrateful bitch.”
I moaned as the tang of blood filled my mouth.
“Move it, asshole,” Robert ordered, pinning me harder to the bed. “She’s stronger than she looks.”
A sharp sting emanated from my upper arm, followed by a ringing sensation in my ears. My limbs suddenly felt like lead weights. My panicked breaths sawed in and out, and my lungs almost exploded from lack of oxygen. Suddenly, I felt myself floating, all pain and feeling draining away.
“Please, Robert. No,” I whispered.
I felt a hand smooth my hair and Robert’s voice crooning, “It’s okay, Elise. Go to sleep. It’ll all be over soon.”
Then everything went black.