Chapter 4
Alex’s warm hands landed on her shoulders.
Ordinarily, it would have flooded her with affection, and she’d have twisted in her seat to see him smiling down at her and waited for him to announce he’d finished in his office for the day before planting a kiss on her ready lips.
But today, as she was curled up on the sofa and Billie was out of the way bathing Louisa, Zoe was reading something on her phone with a furrowed brow, her mind racing.
When Alex came in, as he always did, it only made her jump, and she shut down the page with a squirming guilt in her tummy.
‘Sorry…’ he said with a laugh that was half humour, half confused. ‘I didn’t mean to startle you. Everything all right?’
‘Yes, of course. I was reading something. I didn’t hear you come in, that’s all.’
‘You looked engrossed. It was cute.’
‘Cute?’ Zoe raised her eyebrows. ‘I’d have hoped for smart. Book smart even. Intellectual, learned… but apparently I get cute when I’m studying.’
‘What are you studying for? Not thinking of changing jobs, are you? Going for a promotion?’
‘No. But even staying in the same job sometimes needs me to update my knowledge.’
‘Ah…’ He settled beside her with a grin. ‘I suppose it must. Don’t mind me – I’m only an ignorant labourer.’
‘You’re very clever, as well you know. It’s just that you need a different kind of knowledge to do what you do.’
‘It’s not clever; it’s about putting the hours in.’
‘I think it’s clever.’
He let his head fall back onto the sofa and turned to hold her in a fond gaze, those dark eyes of his working their magic, despite her current state of anxiety. ‘In that case, thank you. If the smartest woman I know is saying it, I suppose I can take the compliment.’
‘Who’s the smartest woman you know…?’
They both looked towards the doorway, where Billie was standing, Louisa in her arms, wrapped in a fluffy towel and looking sleepy after her bath.
‘You are,’ Alex said with a quick grin. ‘Don’t hit me – I totally meant you…’
‘Oi!’ Zoe squeaked, and he broke into laughter.
‘Oh, I’ve really done it this time, haven’t I? That’ll teach me to try and be all silver-tongued. You two are far too sharp to let me get away with it.’
‘You’ve got that right.’ Billie took a seat across from them and gently started to rub Louisa’s hair dry.
Zoe took the opportunity to steer the conversation away from what she’d been reading on her phone and in doing so escape her maudlin thoughts.
Emilia and Simon had both said on occasion that knowing too much could be a dangerous thing, especially when that knowledge came from ‘Doctor Google’, and in this instance, Zoe had a feeling they were right.
She’d disappeared into a rabbit hole that had been opened up by a simple search using a few keywords to describe some of the things that had been happening to her over the previous weeks, a rabbit hole filled with yet more fear and uncertainty and almost certainly a lot of overreaction.
Tomorrow, she decided, she’d pin Emilia down and have a proper chat with her.
Emilia would put her right – she’d probably have an instant and far more innocent explanation of Zoe’s symptoms…
if they were even symptoms of anything at all.
Everyone had weird moments from time to time, didn’t they?
‘She loves her bath now.’ Zoe nodded at Louisa. ‘I can’t believe she used to scream the place down when you first put her in there.’
‘Now she screams when you try to take her out.’ Billie smiled down at her daughter, and Zoe felt a pang of something.
She pushed it forcefully away – it had no place in her heart, not here and now.
Billie had a right to be happy with her baby, more of a right than some because she’d fought a hard battle to get to this point, and Zoe had no right to be jealous.
Besides, Louisa was like family, as Billie was, and so there was no need for jealousy.
Zoe was free to love her as if she was her own, and she did, with all her heart.
It was just that sometimes, when she looked at her, she imagined…
Once again, she pushed the emotion away, though it threatened to break over her like a tidal wave that had come from nowhere.
What on earth was wrong with her? Why did she feel so horribly unstable all the time?
She ought to have been happier now than at any other time in her life because she had everything she’d ever wanted, even when she hadn’t known what that was, and objectively she was happy.
So why was it that sometimes she felt desperately miserable for a reason she couldn’t name?
‘She looks happy enough now.’ Alex got up and went over to plant a tiny kiss on the little girl’s forehead.
‘Don’t you, beautiful?’ He smiled up at Billie, and the stab that Zoe had been trying to banish pricked at her harder than ever.
‘I never thought, after you, that I could love another child like this, but let me tell you – and don’t take this the wrong way – having Louisa might be even better. ’
‘Is that because you don’t have all the night feeds and stuff and just get to be fun grandpa?’
He laughed softly. ‘Might be. I’ll tell you what, though, I’d do absolutely anything for that little mite, and I mean anything. Ask me for my left leg – it’s yours if she needs it.’
‘Well, I don’t know what she’d need it for, Dad, but I appreciate the sentiment.’ Billie rolled her eyes at Zoe. ‘God, he’s weird. I don’t know what it says about you that you agreed to move in, but thanks for taking him on.’
Alex threw back his head in laughter then shone the brightest, most loving smile on Zoe. She wanted more than anything to enjoy the love in it, but all she could think about was how undeserving she was. With a tight smile that was more pain than pleasure, she got up.
‘Right, I’ll make a start on the soup. Are those tomatoes still in the fridge?’
‘Yeah, we left them for you because you said you were planning to make soup.’
Zoe went to the kitchen and prayed neither of them would be tempted to follow to help because she was afraid she might burst into tears, and she didn’t want anyone to see it.
‘Emilia’s had to go to some GMC meeting in that there London.
’ Lavender flicked over the page in her paper diary and tapped a finger where she’d blocked out the entire day for her boss.
It seemed there had been a certain glee in the fact that Emilia would be missing – at least, judging by the way Lavender had embellished the page with little fireworks and cheering matchstick figures.
Zoe tried not to frown. Her frown wouldn’t have been for the motifs in Lavender’s diary anyway but for her own frustration.
She needed some peace of mind, and she was fast coming to the conclusion that Emilia was the only person who could give it to her.
‘Right,’ Zoe said slowly, her eyes still on the page.
‘I have mentioned it a couple of times in the last few days,’ Lavender added.
‘Yeah, I forgot.’
‘Anything I can help with?’
Zoe looked up and shook her head. ‘It’s fine; it’ll wait.’
‘Simon’s got ten minutes free if you—’
‘Really, it’s not that urgent. Emilia’s back tomorrow, right?’
‘Unless they strike her off today…’ Lavender fired back with a grin.
‘Good morning!’ Shabana arrived before Lavender could say anything else, arms filled with cling-wrapped parcels.
‘Morning, love!’ Lavender leaped up to take some of the burden from her. ‘What’s in here?’
‘Dinner… You said it was my turn.’
‘Blimey, were you thinking you had to feed the five thousand?’
‘Huh?’
‘You know, because there’s so much here. There’s only five people working here… Actually, four today because we’re one down.’
‘Yes, I know…’ Shabana blew a hair away from her forehead. ‘We got a bit carried away chatting and, before you know it, we’d fried about a hundred samosas.’
‘You and your mum made them?’ Zoe asked.
‘Mother-in-law. I know I’m supposed to say my mum is the best thing ever, but the sad fact is, she’s not much of a cook, not in comparison to my husband’s mum, who’s amazing.
Wait until you taste these and you’ll see what I mean.
’ She lowered her voice with a wicked grin.
‘Honestly, I wouldn’t dare bring them in if my mum had made them. ’
Lavender laughed. ‘Shabana! I might have to tell your mum what you said!’
‘It’s nothing I haven’t said to her face, and she’d probably agree.’
‘I’d better get on.’ Zoe followed them down the corridor. ‘I’ve got a very full list today. I’ll see you at lunch if not before.’
‘Don’t eat too many biscuits this morning because there’s plenty to go around, and I need you to be hungry!’ Shabana called as she went into the kitchen.
‘I won’t!’ Zoe called back.
She was thoughtful as she opened up her office, and thankfully, it wasn’t about her own problems. Shabana seemed to be in a very good mood.
She didn’t know their locum nurse all that well yet, but she’d come to recognise a certain melancholy in her.
She knew Shabana and her husband had been trying for a baby and that they had embarked on IVF.
Zoe wondered silently if there had been some promising movement on that.
Shabana hadn’t said anything, and she certainly hadn’t announced a pregnancy, but Zoe understood that often couples in their position wanted to be sure and a lot further down the line before they started to tell people.
Perhaps Shabana was being just as cautious – it would certainly fit what Zoe knew of her personality.
If it was good news, then Zoe was glad. She resolved to drop some kind of hint to let Shabana know she could confide in her if she felt it would help, but she wouldn’t push it.
Her office door opened, and Lavender poked her head round. ‘Want a coffee? Is it a two-scoop-special kind of day?’
‘What makes you say that? Do I look tired?’
‘No, but you had an extra busy one yesterday, didn’t you? I just wondered if you might need some extra jet fuel to get through today with less stress.’
‘I’m all right. A normal coffee would be lovely, thanks.’
Lavender gave a short nod and then left her again.
Zoe stared into space as her computer whirred into life. Had she really been that useless? More to the point, had it been that noticeable to everyone?
Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of a text to her phone.
I’m sorry but Mum says can you come early because she has a good feeling about the bingo and she wants to go, but she has to be here to get the door when you come because I’m still all wobbly. X
Despite everything, Zoe had to grin. Maisie and her family…
Zoe had never known a family like them. She was very fond of Maisie, but she’d always been cautious around the rest of them, even more after being faced with animosity from her mum, but she couldn’t help being entertained by them.
She was even developing a strange kind of affection for Bridget, which made absolutely no sense at all.
She quickly typed a reply asking what time bingo was and when Bridget would need to leave, and after some back and forth, they came to an agreement that Zoe would do her best, but that they would leave the front door unlocked if Bridget had already gone and Zoe could let herself in.
Then Lavender came back with her coffee, and Zoe was thankful that her working day had begun in earnest. At least it would take her mind off things she wasn’t ready to think about.
Zoe looked up at the knock on her door. Lavender hadn’t yet sent the notification through that her next clinic attendee had arrived, and if it was their receptionist, she would normally just come in if she knew Zoe was alone.
‘Yes? I’m free – no need to knock.’
Simon opened the door. ‘Sorry, I like to check. It can be awkward if you have a patient… well, you’d know better than most about people simply barging in.’
‘That’s all right. Did you need something?’
‘A word, actually. I hope I’m not speaking out of turn and… well, please don’t take this out on Lavender because she mentioned it to me from a place of concern…’
Zoe stiffened. ‘Mentioned what?’
‘You’ve been quite desperate to see Emilia.’
‘Not desperate, exactly, but I could do with seeing her about something.’
‘Something I can help with?’
‘I’m not sure…’ Zoe paused then shook her head. ‘No, I ought to wait until she’s got a minute for me. It’s nothing really…’
‘It doesn’t sound like nothing. It’s a personal matter?’
Zoe nodded.
‘In that case’ – Simon began to back out of the door – ‘I’ll butt out.
I thought it might be a professional matter, or perhaps a medical one that I could help with so you wouldn’t have to wait.
If… and I’m sorry again if I’m overstepping the mark…
you seem… well, Lavender says you don’t seem quite yourself.
Don’t say I came in to tell you that because she asked me not to.
But it wouldn’t be right if I was given the information and did nothing with it. ’
‘I’m fine. I’m sorry if Lavender was worried.’
‘I’m sure that’s not the point of her telling me. She doesn’t want you to be sorry – none of us do. We’re your colleagues and, I hope, friends. We look out for one another. I’m sure you’d do the same if the tables were turned and one of us seemed out of sorts.’
‘I suppose so… Thanks for asking.’
‘It’s not a problem. I’ll leave you to it. I only wanted to see if there was anything I could do.’
He seemed so disappointed that Zoe was tempted to call him back and apologise for not confiding in him.
It wasn’t even that she didn’t want to; she simply didn’t feel able.
He took his work and his oath to help others so seriously that Zoe could picture him going back to his desk and deciding he’d somehow failed someone, and the thought of it made her sad.
He was a wonderful doctor, and he was right, they were friends, even if she sometimes felt she didn’t really know him.
He’d always been there for anyone who needed it, and there was a reason Ottilie held him in such high regard.
‘Simon…’
He stopped and turned back.
‘Would you have five minutes to spare before lunch? I think there is something you could help me with. I’ve got to pop out on a house call, but I can make it back for then if you could be free.’
His deep frown cleared into a small smile. ‘Of course. As soon as you’re back, come and see me in my room. I won’t tell Lavender we’ve had this chat, if it helps.’
Zoe gave a small smile of her own. ‘You won’t need to – she doesn’t miss anything.’
‘True. But I can be as discreet as you need.’
‘I know, and I do appreciate it. I’m sure you’ll think it’s something and nothing.’
‘If it’s something to you, that’s all that matters. I’m not here to judge; I’m here to help. Working to care for others as we do, it’s easy to forget that sometimes we need someone to care for us too.’