Chapter 12 #3
It might be. I don’t always know what’s going around now that I’m not working.
I hear Shabana is pregnant. I bet she’s thrilled – when I get a minute, I’ll pop in to see her.
If you’re sure you’re OK, let’s make plans for the weekend.
I’ll let you know nearer the time, if that’s all right, just in case the rest of us go down with Flo’s lurgy. x
Zoe sent a message in the affirmative and tried not to get bitter about Shabana’s news.
Of course it was lovely and the people who knew about her struggle with IVF would rightly be thrilled for her.
Zoe hated the grain of resentment nesting inside her, and she tried to force it out, but it wouldn’t go so easily.
As she put her phone down, she could hear Alex’s voice. ‘Anyone home? It’s like the Mary Celeste down here!’
Billie’s voice came in an irritated reply, and Zoe wondered if she’d just got Louisa to sleep only for Alex to wake her again. Her hunch seemed to be confirmed by the volume decreasing so that she could only hear muffled notes, suggesting he’d lowered his voice after being told off.
She went downstairs to find Alex sitting at the kitchen table by himself, scrolling on his phone.
He looked up with a sheepish grin. ‘I’ve been consigned to the doghouse.’
‘You and me both.’ Zoe took a seat next to him. ‘I took Grizzle for a walk. Or rather, he took me for a walk. We came back covered in mud and got told off by Billie.’
‘I’m starting to think she runs this house and just allows us to live here at her pleasure.’
‘She wants things to be calm for Louisa. It’s not a bad thing, I suppose. I mean, ordinarily, as a midwife, I’d approve. I just wasn’t quite so keen on being chastised today.’
‘You should have waited for me to get back – I’d have come with you.’
‘I know, but I thought I was doing you a favour. Billie had wanted to take him, and, in fairness, when I volunteered because she was worrying about Louisa, she did warn me I wouldn’t be able to handle him.’ Zoe shrugged. ‘Serves me right for being a know-it-all.’
‘You’re never that.’ He leaned in to give her a light kiss. ‘You were only trying to help. You’re all right?’
‘Yes.’
‘Only…’ He peered more closely at her.
She supposed she might look a bit puffy around the eyes and wondered if there was any point trying to hide it.
‘I had a little cry earlier. It was nothing, just frustration because Grizzle had me over when I was so determined to make myself useful. I don’t like being beaten.’
‘I know that,’ Alex said wryly. ‘As long as that’s all it is. Because you can tell me if—’
‘That’s all it is.’ Zoe got up and went to the sink. ‘Tea?’ she asked, shaking the kettle. ‘Or shall we go straight to the wine? What time is it? It’s probably late enough now, isn’t it?’
‘Don’t you want to wait until we eat?’
‘I don’t mind. I’m only asking which you want.’
‘I’ll wait,’ he said. ‘I’ll take a quick cup of tea while I peel the potatoes.’
Zoe filled the kettle. ‘What are we having?’
‘Home-made chips. It’s an oldie but a classic. I’ve got some frozen fish in and a tin of peas. That’ll do us, won’t it? Some nights you feel like doing something easy, don’t you?’
‘That sounds good. Why don’t I peel the potatoes? I’m not doing anything else, and you’ve only just got in.’
‘I might go and see if Billie’s all right,’ he said. ‘If you’re happy to do the potatoes, then I’ll do that and come back for my cup of tea. I think she’s upset with me.’
‘She’ll get over it,’ Zoe said, her tone blithe.
Alex was halfway to the door, and it stopped him in his tracks.
‘Are you sure you’re all right?’
She blushed, nodding. ‘Yes, yes, I didn’t mean to sound dismissive. I only meant she’ll be fine once Louisa perks up, and she’s worried right now, so that’s why she’s easily upset.’
‘Right…’ Alex didn’t look convinced, but Zoe didn’t give him the opportunity to dig further.
‘Go on, go and see her. I’ll make your drink and get started on the potatoes, or we’ll be eating at midnight. Have you been over to the camping field today? Are they all happy?’
‘No, I thought about what you said and decided not to hassle them too much, but they seem fine. I sent a text about the barbecue, but that’s about it.’
‘Oh, right, well that sounds good.’
She turned back to her task and heard the door shut as Alex went through to the living room.
As soon as it did, she allowed herself a huge sigh.
He’d given her plenty of moments to come clean, and he seemed in a good mood.
She ought to have done. It seemed this was how it would be for a while: Zoe dancing around the issues before she could finally be honest with him.
She didn’t like it, but perhaps she was being too hard on herself. Perhaps that was only making it worse.
That was probably truer than she realised.
Going to the pantry for the potatoes, she decided it wouldn’t be tonight, and it wouldn’t be any night until she was ready, and if that meant he’d be angry with her for keeping the news from him, then that was just the way it would be.
She’d been looking at this all wrong, and Simon’s text had made her start to understand that.
The potential diagnosis had been a shock, and that was why she was all over the place, and perhaps she had to come to terms with it herself before she could share it with anyone else.
As for her relationship with Alex, all the worrying in the world wasn’t going to change his reaction.
It would be what it would be, and if it wasn’t the one she hoped for, then no matter how it hurt, she would have to accept that their relationship hadn’t been what she’d imagined.
No matter how it hurt, if he took the news badly, then perhaps she’d also have to accept that he’d never been the man for her after all.