Chapter 13
Louisa was red-cheeked when Zoe went down to get a quick breakfast the following morning. Billie paced the kitchen with her, hair uncombed and yawning.
‘She’s still not right,’ she said as soon as she saw Zoe. ‘I think we ought to take her to the hospital.’
Zoe went over to look. ‘She’s slightly flushed…’ Despite very obviously not being quite herself, Louisa showed bright interest at Zoe’s attention, reaching for an earring that was tantalisingly close.
‘There’s no new rashes?’ she asked, using the back of her hand to gauge the little girl’s temperature. ‘She doesn’t seem too bad. You gave her some Calpol?’
‘Yes, like you said.’
‘Ottilie says Flo has some kind of flu bug. I wonder if it’s that.’
‘Then we have to take her to the hospital!’
‘Scary as it is, she will catch things, and it’s not the worst thing in the world that she does if she’s going to build any kind of resistance.’
‘You want her to get ill?’
‘That’s not what I said. Of course I don’t want her to be ill; I said it will happen no matter what we do, and it’s the way babies build their resistance.
Of course it’s sensible to try to protect her, but it’s not always possible.
I could ask Simon or Emilia to see her if you’re worried.
Looking at her now, though, I’d say we could watch and wait. ’
‘Until she gets so bad nobody can do anything for her?’
‘That would never happen because you’re watching like a hawk. She’s grumbly, but she doesn’t seem very ill at the moment. She’s interested in things and alert enough.’
‘She’s boiling!’
‘She’s warm, but I wouldn’t go that—’
‘I’ll ring the doctor myself.’
‘OK,’ Zoe said, trying to hold on to her patience. ‘Do you want me to run you down to the surgery when I go to work?’
‘I wouldn’t want to put you out. I’ll make my own way there.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You’re always telling me to trust my instincts because mums know their babies, but when I do, you make me feel like I’m stupid for telling you I think there’s something wrong.’
‘Billie, that’s not how it is.’
‘I’m telling you she’s ill, and you’re just like, yeah, you’re making a fuss over nothing.’
‘I agree with you, she’s under the weather.
I’m only suggesting you hold back and see how she gets on over the next few hours because, from my experience, she’ll most likely perk up.
But if you want to take her to see one of the doctors, I’m happy to run you down there.
Refusing my offer is cutting off your nose to spite your face, but if that’s how you feel, then go ahead and call the surgery and arrange your own way to get there. ’
Zoe pulled a box of cornflakes from the cupboard, aware that there was no winning this argument…
if it even was one. She wasn’t trying to be obstructive; she was only trying to reassure Billie that, in her opinion, Louisa didn’t look as poorly as she thought.
Billie had made up her mind that Zoe was being awkward, and Zoe was too tired and too preoccupied with other thoughts to fight her.
Billie went to the stairs and called up. ‘Dad! Are you dressed yet? I need you to take me to the village!’
Zoe’s frown deepened, and now she was annoyed. Was Billie trying to make her look bad? Was she trying to make out to Alex that Zoe didn’t care? ‘Why are you bothering your dad? I said I’d take you to the village when I go.’
‘You said to make my own way there.’
‘Billie, that’s twisting my words, and you know it!’
‘They’re your words.’
‘It wouldn’t stand up in a court of law.’
‘What are you on about? I just want to take Louisa to the doctors!’
‘And I said you could come with me!’
Alex appeared at the door, glancing uneasily from Billie to Zoe and then back again. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘I’m taking Billie and Louisa to the surgery,’ Zoe said firmly, glaring at Billie to dare her to contradict. ‘We’re going to get Simon or Emilia to look at Louisa.’
‘Why?’ Alex suddenly looked panicked. ‘Is she worse? I thought—’
‘Just in case,’ Zoe said. ‘Billie is worried.’
‘Oh, that’s it,’ Billie snapped. ‘You’re doing it again – making me sound unreasonable because I want to be sure!’
‘That’s not what I’m doing! I’m indulging you because—’
‘Indulging me?’
‘OK.’ Zoe realised her mistake. ‘That’s not the right word. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to sound—’
‘Well it did! You think I’m having a breakdown! I’m taking the pills, you know, so you needn’t think I’m off my nut about this!’
‘Bill?’ Alex turned to her. ‘I’m sure Zoe didn’t mean—’
‘Well of course you’d take her side!’ Billie said. ‘Zoe can’t do anything wrong in your eyes.’
‘I’d say the same about you,’ Zoe replied, again, regretting her clapback but too late to stop it coming out.
Alex looked even more panicked as things escalated, and as he stepped in between the women, he shot a pleading look at them both.
‘I don’t know what’s going on, but as the only man in the household, I fear I’m woefully ill-equipped to deal with it.
I know it’s a big ask, but could we try to work something out to resolve it? ’
‘There’s nothing to resolve,’ Billie said.
With that, she took Louisa upstairs, and Alex turned to Zoe with a silent question.
‘She’s worried about Louisa,’ Zoe said. ‘And I don’t think she needs to be.’
‘Did you say that to her? It sounds a bit condescending.’
‘Of course I didn’t say it like that! Credit me with some sense!’
‘I’m sorry,’ Alex said, and the look of hurt reproach on his face popped Zoe’s ire in an instant.
‘No,’ she sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I know you didn’t mean… You just happened to wander into the middle of a war zone this morning, and it’s not your fault.’
‘I suppose it was na?ve to imagine the household would always be harmonious. We’re all still getting to know one another.’
Zoe nodded. ‘And there have been a lot of changes in a short space of time, with Louisa arriving and me moving in, and then the camping pods opening. If this is the worst falling-out we ever have, then I’m sure we’ll count ourselves lucky.’
‘I hope it is. I don’t like to see you at odds.’
Zoe shrugged. ‘It’s going to happen from time to time. Neither of us are trying to make trouble, but we are both adults with different opinions on things.’
‘I suppose sometimes I forget that Billie’s an adult.’
‘I don’t. And if I did, she’s reminded me of that fact today.’
‘I’ll talk to her—’
‘There’s no need, and you might make things worse. I don’t need you to fight my battles, and I don’t want you to side with me if you think I’m wrong.’
‘I don’t think you’re wrong.’
Zoe raised her eyebrows. ‘Not even a bit, not even in this instance?’
‘I don’t know what was said, so I’m not going to side with either one of you. If you say Louisa is all right, then I trust you.’
‘Billie doesn’t.’
‘She does. It’s her own judgement she doesn’t trust. I know it because I was the same when she was born.
I remember how hard being a new parent was, the constant worry about every little call.
She trusts you, but there’s always the outside chance, however remote, that you could be wrong, and so she’s looking for ways to be certain.
It’s not you she has the issue with; it’s the whole experience of parenthood. ’
As soon as she’d processed his words, Zoe knew he was right.
She could have all the professional experience in the world, but without the experience of motherhood, she would never be able to see it from Billie’s perspective.
She realised she’d been too hard on Alex’s daughter, and knowing that she’d helped escalate the disagreement to something it should never have been made her burn with shame.
She should have known better; she should have had more patience.
If she’d taken a minute to think about how Billie might be feeling…
‘I’ll go and talk to her,’ she decided, making for the stairs, but Alex pulled her back.
‘I’d give her a minute. She’ll mull it over, and then she’ll get her head on straight. Trust me, I’ve seen this play out before. I might once have been clueless, and I still get things wrong all the time, but I know that much. She’ll come round when she realises you were trying to help.’
Zoe didn’t think she had helped much. She wished she’d handled things differently, but it was too late to undo it now, and perhaps Alex had a point. So she nodded.
‘I’ve got to get to work anyway. I’ll see if one of the doctors can take a look at Louisa first thing, and I’ll text to let you know. Would you be able to bring them down to the village?’
‘I’ll find time if it comes to that.’
‘I’d ask if she wants me to wait for her, but I don’t think she will.’
‘Probably not; she’s probably not quite in her forgiving phase yet. It takes a little longer than this usually. Zoe…’
She was thrown by the earnest worry in his voice. ‘Yes?’
‘I realise that sometimes we’re not the easiest people to live with.
I mean, I have my issues and Billie… well, she’s black and white, isn’t she?
There’s no middle ground, and you’re either with her or against her, and that can be hard, but we do both love you.
This morning, and the things that happened since you moved in, they haven’t…
well, they haven’t put you off, have they? ’
Zoe thought about the things that might put him off, secrets and struggles far bigger than what they’d already faced – at least they seemed that way to her – and wondered if it ought to be her asking that question instead of him. He wanted her now, but would that change?
‘No,’ she said and reached to kiss him. ‘It would take a lot more than that to put me off.’
‘Like what? I’m asking just so I know what to look out for.’
She returned his anxious smile. ‘I don’t know, but it would be a lot more. Stop worrying. Like you said, we’ll be fine – I’m sure it will all have blown over by the time I get home from work. If Billie needs me, then tell her she can ring and I won’t mind.’
‘I will. Thanks.’