Chapter 23 #2
‘She might. She’s not very brave really. Not with stuff like that.’
‘If you ask me, she’s braver than anyone gives her credit for.’
‘She must be, living with that lot. Her mum looks at me like I just threw up on her shoes.’
‘She looks at me like that too. I wonder if it’s her default expression.’
To her surprise, Billie let out a laugh. It wasn’t often Zoe heard Billie laugh and certainly not at one of her jokes.
‘That must be it,’ she said.
Zoe was watching the road ahead, but she was suddenly aware of Billie’s searching gaze on her from the passenger seat.
‘You’re all right, aren’t you? You and Dad?’
‘I think so.’
‘You don’t seem it.’
‘I don’t suppose everything will always be plain sailing, and we’re still getting used to living together, aren’t we?’
‘Don’t talk to me like I’m a kid.’
Zoe flushed. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I was. What I meant to say was, I hope we’re all right, but there are never any guarantees. Things will come to try us.’
‘Like Virginia?’
Zoe glanced sharply at her now. ‘I don’t suppose it can have escaped your notice that I’m not her biggest fan. But I do understand that your dad needs her help.’
‘Yeah, but I think he’s rubbing it in your face. I can see it’s bothering you, having her around.’
‘I’m not sure he can.’
‘He’s an idiot.’
Zoe raised her eyebrows. It wasn’t often she heard Billie laugh, even less often that she’d hear Billie criticise her dad. She wondered if it was a joke, but it didn’t sound like one.
‘A bit like you,’ she added.
At this, Zoe laughed. She hadn’t felt much like laughing today, but Billie’s frank appraisal had uncorked her humour in the most unexpected way. ‘Thanks.’
‘It’s why you’re well suited. You’d better not split up.’
‘I don’t want that either.’
‘Could have fooled me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’re proper snappy at the moment. Dad’s noticed it too.’
‘He said so?’
‘No, but I know he has. Then again, he’s not exactly helping.’
‘We’ve both got a lot on our minds, that’s all. I don’t mean to snap – I’m sorry.’
‘You keep getting dizzy.’
‘Not all the time—’
‘More than once. Corrine said you fainted at their place.’
‘I wouldn’t say fainted exactly, but I… well, I lost my balance.’
‘Not a kid…’
‘OK, sorry.’ Zoe drew in a breath. And then, in the most surprising way and in the most surprising company, it was out. ‘I’ve been having dizzy spells, hot flushes, mood swings, fuzzy brain… stuff that goes with the beginning of the menopause.’
‘Oh. I didn’t think you were that old.’
‘I’m not – that’s the problem. That’s why it’s bothering me.’
‘What can you do about it?’
‘Nothing much. I’ve had blood tests which confirmed my hormones are changing. I’m waiting to see someone for further investigations because…’
‘Because what? I mean, it’s just menopause, isn’t it? It doesn’t kill you or anything.’
‘Ah…’ Zoe was forced into another wry smile. ‘Come and talk to me in about thirty years when it’s your turn and we’ll see if you feel the same way. It doesn’t kill you, but it’s not fun.’
‘But you can get tablets or something and you’ll be fine.’
‘Yes…’ Zoe was thoughtful as she turned her attention back to the road. Billie really thought it was that simple, and perhaps, from the outside, it was.
‘You need to tell Dad – at least he’ll know why you’re so moody with him.’
‘I will. I’ve been trying to find the right moment, but there’s been a lot going on.’
‘I know. It’s been mad since the camping field opened. Before that even. I know he has to earn a living, but I liked it better when we did whatever we wanted.’
Zoe wondered if Billie knew about her dad’s financial burdens.
She suspected not. After all, why would he worry his daughter about what he would consider his responsibility alone?
But as Billie kept on reminding them, she wasn’t a child.
If Zoe was going to come clean about her early menopause, then shouldn’t they all come clean about everything?
Zoe might have thought so, but it wasn’t her place to say, and it certainly wasn’t her place to put Billie in the picture.
‘So did I. Things feel a lot more complicated now. I hope he can sort out this case. I might not like Virginia being around all the time, but I’m glad we’ve got her.’
‘She pisses me right off, but ditto. Then again, you used to piss me off and we’re all right now. I’ll get used to her eventually.’
‘I wonder how long it might take to sort,’ Zoe said, also wondering if Virginia would be in their lives long enough for Billie to get used to her and how she might feel about that.
‘Who knows?’
Zoe could see Louisa from her rear-view mirror.
She was sleeping in her car seat. Already, her hair was darker and thicker than it had been at birth, and she looked less like Billie.
Zoe tried to bring to mind a photo Alex had shown her of Louisa’s father, Luis.
Yes, she decided, Louisa was beginning to look like him.
Billie must have seen it too, and Zoe tried to imagine how that might feel.
When she put her own troubles against that backdrop, she realised she was luckier than some.
She resolved to hold on to that thought and to make the best of things.
It would be better when she’d finally had a chance to speak to Alex and they could plan for what their future might bring. Wouldn’t it?
As she turned back to the road, Billie quiet now as she scrolled on her phone, she could only hope so.
With still no word from Alex, Zoe decided to cook for her and Billie. They could make extra, and he could have it when he got home. She’d just turned the oven on when there was a knock at the outside door. She opened up to find one of their campers on the step.
‘Sorry to bother you, but we’ve run out of gas. I don’t suppose you could bring a cannister over? We were hoping to use the stove.’
‘Right…’ Zoe gave a tight smile as she glanced towards their barn. ‘Of course… Give me a few minutes and I’ll be with you.’
‘Thanks…’
The woman began to walk back towards the camping field.
Zoe’s gaze went back to the barn. She knew the cannisters were in there, but she didn’t have a clue how to get one down to their guests or how to connect it up for them.
But she couldn’t leave them without because the last thing they needed was another unhappy holidaymaker.
‘Victor…’ she murmured as she went back inside to get her shoes and coat. ‘Victor will know.’
She had no idea if Victor would know, but he was the only person she could think of who might. And the fact was, Victor was often so practical and knowledgeable about all things countryside that everyone always assumed he’d know. What he didn’t know, he’d usually work out.
She snatched up her phone from the table and rang the landline at Daffodil Farm. Corrine answered.
‘I’m sorry to ask, but is Victor any good at connecting gas cylinders?’
‘To what?’ Corrine asked.
‘One of the pods needs their gas changing over. They’ve come up to ask, but Alex isn’t here, and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t suppose…’
‘Of course, love. I’ll ask him to come over.’
‘Sorry again, but could it be, like, now?’
‘You’re lucky he hasn’t got his boots off yet. Give him five minutes and he’ll be with you.’
‘You’re a lifesaver – thanks so much!’
‘Who was that?’ Billie asked as she came into the kitchen.
‘Corrine. I’ve got to go over to the field with Victor to sort out some gas for the campers. Can you do the chopping here, and I’ll put the casserole on when I get back?’
‘I can do the casserole… Has Dad phoned you?’
‘No. So he hasn’t phoned you either?’
Billie shook her head. ‘He shouldn’t have left you to do all this campsite stuff.’
‘I don’t suppose he’d know they might need gas.’
Billie shrugged, and though she looked annoyed, Zoe could see the same worry in her eyes as she felt.
At first, she’d been annoyed at Alex’s disappearing act, but as the evening wore on and there was still no word from him, other, far more alarming scenarios were playing in her mind.
What if he’d been in some kind of accident and they didn’t know?
Zoe tried not to dwell on that and other, equally worrying possibilities.
And luckily she hardly had time because a minute later Victor was at the door.
‘All right, love. You want to show me where these cannisters are?’
‘The shed… well, barn, storage… whatever you call it…’ Zoe closed the door behind her and led Victor to where Alex kept his supplies. There was a chill in the air now, just enough to make their breath unfurl into clouds of steam as they walked across the farmyard.
‘Funny,’ Victor said. ‘Corrine was talking about you when you phoned.’
‘Oh?’ Zoe undid the padlock. ‘What have I done now?’ Her joking tone was easy to produce, less easy to feel in the current circumstances, but it wouldn’t do to let Victor know that.
‘Well…’ He flushed, and Zoe raised her eyebrows without meaning to.
‘Corrine was saying…’ His cheeks seemed to flare redder still.
‘We’re down one assistant for the alpaca trek this weekend and we wondered if you might know someone who could help,’ he said finally, though Zoe suspected that wasn’t what he’d initially intended to say.
‘How are you one down?’
‘Our Penny’s got some appointment in Kendal.
She normally helps me out – it’s not a lot of work, just making sure none of the girls get skittish and the trekkers are leading them right.
All it needs is a good pair of eyes and a bit of fitness to go up and down the hill.
I’d do it by myself, but better to have two, and Corrine doesn’t keep up the way she used to – though she’d have me say different. ’
‘What day?’ Zoe pointed to the cylinders, and Victor strode over and pulled one from the storage area as if it weighed nothing.
‘Saturday, not till about twelve and only for about three hours. I could see my way to paying them. I know she’s got Louisa, but I wondered if young Billie might appreciate the money and a few hours out in the fresh air.’
‘She might,’ Zoe said. ‘But if she didn’t, I’d love to come. In fact, I’d love to come anyway, and I wouldn’t ask to be paid. I’ve been dying to join in on one of your treks since I got here – so this is a perfect excuse.’
‘Oh…’ Victor rolled the cannister towards the door, ‘I couldn’t take up your weekend without giving you something—’
Zoe smiled. ‘Don’t be daft! You’re helping me now, and you’re always doing bits for us, so the least I can do is a favour in return. And quite a nice, enjoyable one too!’
His weathered old face crinkled into a smile. Years of outdoor life had made him tanned, winter or summer, the thick hair beneath his hat whiter against it. ‘You’re sure you’re up to it? It won’t be too much…’ His smile faded into sudden doubt. ‘Not sure what Corrine will make of it…’
‘I’m not that unfit!’ Zoe said with a light laugh. ‘And I hope I’m not giving the impression I can’t walk more than a hundred yards without dropping.’
‘It’s just…’
‘I know,’ Zoe said. ‘I had a funny turn, but I’m really all right. I’ll come at the weekend – it’ll do me good.’
‘If you’re sure. I can’t say I wouldn’t be grateful.’
‘I’m sure. I’ll ask Billie if she’d like to do it too, if you’d like.’
‘The more the merrier as far as I’m concerned, but no offence taken if she doesn’t fancy it.’
‘Well, we can only ask, and she can only say yes or no, but I think it would do her good.’
Zoe had done her best to be useful, but in the end, it was Victor who had saved the day.
‘Where did you say your Alex had gone?’ he asked as they went back to Hilltop to offload the old gas cylinder.
‘Nottingham.’
‘I see. A right old drive… will he be back tonight?’
‘I hope so,’ Zoe said as Victor pulled on the brake outside her home.
He gave her a strange look. What did he make of all this? Did he think she and Alex were having issues? Was that how it seemed?
No, she decided. She was being paranoid because she felt so vulnerable and uncertain right now.
Of course it didn’t look that way, and there was no reason it would because that wasn’t the truth.
Right? They’d been less than patient with one another over the past couple of weeks, but that didn’t mean they were in trouble.
But then she recalled the conversation with Billie earlier that evening and Billie had asked the question straight out – were Zoe and Alex OK?
Were they? Zoe didn’t honestly know, and his radio silence, coupled with the fact he was in Nottingham, wasn’t helping.
Part of her almost felt that if he’d been rushed into a hospital somewhere, it might be better than if he was with Virginia, doing…
‘Where do you want this?’ Victor hauled the empty cylinder from the back of his Land Rover.
‘I’m not sure… I suppose you could leave it in the doorway of the barn, and Alex can deal with it when he gets back. Thanks again,’ she added as he began to carry it off, and she followed. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without you.’
‘I’m sure you’d have worked it out,’ Victor huffed. ‘I’ll say, though, they’re heavier than they look, and with you in your current condition…’
‘Condition?’
The tiny bit of cheeks that could be seen beneath Victor’s bushy beard flushed.
He cleared his throat. ‘What I meant to say is… well… you haven’t been too well, and Corrine thought you might be…
on account of the funny turn… and you live with Alex now, and it’s only natural…
There…’ He put down the cylinder and dusted off his hands.
‘I’ll leave you to it. Phone if you need anything else mauling – don’t go trying to lift things yourself. ’
Zoe watched as he hurried back to his car, her heart sinking. He and Corrine had come to the conclusion she was pregnant. Could things get any worse? She only hoped they hadn’t told anyone else their theory.