Chapter 24
Billie was washing the dishes when Alex finally returned. The hills beyond their home were shadowed against an indigo sky, and the moon was rising huge and full on the horizon.
‘Seriously!’ Billie turned to him, elbow deep in suds. Zoe had been keeping Louisa entertained with a rattle, but she put it down at his entrance. ‘Where the hell have you been? Me and Zoe have been phoning and texting you!’
‘I’m sorry, I did see them, and I was going to get to them, but my phone battery went, and the charger in the car wouldn’t work so—’
‘What kind of bullshit is that?’ Billie cried.
Alex saw it as soon as Zoe did – despite her bravado, Billie had been terrified. It was only natural – she was more used to loss than any woman of her age ought to be.
‘Bill, I’m sorry. Let me…’
Billie grabbed a teacloth, tears in her eyes, and when she’d dried her hands, she took Louisa from Zoe and marched out.
‘Shit…’ Alex glanced at Zoe.
‘That’s one way of putting it,’ Zoe said tersely. ‘What were you thinking? We were worried sick!’
‘I know. I didn’t realise… I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry? Billie is going to need something more than sorry! I don’t understand you. You say we’re the most important people in your life, and then you go and do a thing like this. You of all people ought to understand how stuff like this affects her!’
‘I had to see someone.’
‘So I gathered. And the only way you could do that was a six-hour round trip to Nottingham, was it? Who was in Nottingham, I wonder? Who did you need to see so badly that you drove there instead of phoning them like anyone else would?’
‘If you’d give me a minute,’ he said, ‘I’ll explain!’
‘OK…’ Zoe folded her arms tight, as if to hold in the complaints she’d wanted to make about their treatment as they burst from her. ‘Explain.’
‘V managed to get me a meeting with one of her contacts at another firm, but he’s flying to Dubai in the morning, so if I was going to see him, I had to go today.’
Zoe wanted to point out that he could have met with the man online, but she had to trust Alex had his reasons not to. Still, it was a long way to go when he didn’t have to, and she couldn’t help but feel that he’d met up with Virginia too and was choosing not to say so.
‘V came to lunch with us,’ he added, as if he’d read her mind.
‘All three of us went to lunch together. She thought I could do with the moral support, and she also knew the details of the case because we’ve looked at it together, and she said she’d be able to present them with a legal slant that would be more useful. ’
‘Right. And what’s the outcome?’
Alex rubbed at his neck as he sat down. ‘I want to say good. Their case isn’t very strong – it looks as if they’re trying it on to see what sticks. We should be able to fight it.’
‘How much do you think it’s going to cost?’
‘That’s the bit I don’t know. I suppose it depends how much of a fight these people are prepared to put up and how long they hold out for before they fold.
Our guy is putting together a response. I’ve got to pay him for that, and the rest I’ll have to find as I go along.
V says she’ll do what she can to keep costs down – she’ll take on some of the legwork and pass along what she’s found to her colleague so that he doesn’t have much to do. ’
‘Hmm…’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It’s good of her to help. Not many would go to these lengths, even if you are an old friend.’
‘I don’t know what your friends are like, but it’s a good job we’re not having to rely on them.’
‘I’m only saying.’
‘I’m not keeping anything from you. That’s what you think, isn’t it?’
‘I don’t know what to think. I only know you’re spending a lot of time with her, and I understand you have to protect your business, but it seems to me you’re enjoying her company too much for it to be just that.’
‘I’m not going to apologise for enjoying her company! She’s funny and interesting. You’d say the same if you gave her a chance.’
‘I’m not jealous!’
‘If you’re not jealous, then why do you make it so obvious you don’t like her?’
‘Because I don’t like how you are around her. You’re different.’
‘Don’t be stupid.’
‘You are! You’re not like how I know you.
You’re trying to be someone else, and when I see it, I don’t know which one is the real you – the one you show to me or the one you show to her – and it makes me realise I don’t know you at all.
I put all my faith in you – in us… I moved in with you, and now I don’t know if I can trust you.
If I can’t even feel safe in our relationship now, how can I feel safe when it’s properly tested? ’
‘You can feel safe! I would never hurt you!’
‘You say that now…’
‘It’s true!’ He got to his feet and took her into his arms. ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you – I said it before, and it’s true. We’ve got plans, right? All I want is to settle down with you, do the wedding, grow the business… whatever is going to make you happy will make me happy.’
Zoe looked up at him. ‘And nothing will change that?’
‘Of course not!’
‘Even if I told you I couldn’t have kids…’
His forehead creased. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Would you still feel like this if I said that to you?’
‘Yes!’ He paused. ‘Are you? Are you saying that to me?’
‘I don’t know for sure, but it’s a possibility.’
He led her to the table and made her sit, crouching at her feet to be in her eyeline. ‘What’s going on?’
She let out a long sigh. ‘I didn’t want to say anything, not like this, not with all the other things going on.’
‘The cat’s out of the bag now, so you might as well tell me.’
‘I may be going through early menopause. In fact, I may have a thing called premature ovarian insufficiency. They’re sort of the same in the end – it means my chances of having a baby are going to be getting pretty slim pretty soon. It might already be too late – who knows? I certainly don’t.’
‘But there must be something that can be done?’
Zoe shook her head. ‘If it was that easy, no woman would volunteer to go through menopause. It’s a fact of life, and unfortunately it’s come a lot earlier for me than for most others.’
‘Then we’ll start trying. If it’s what you want, we’ll start trying right away, before it’s too late.’
‘I don’t want to try for a baby before we’re ready, just because we’re panicked into it. I’ve not long moved in.’
‘We don’t have time to wait.’
Zoe gave him a sad smile. It was as she’d feared – he hoped for a baby with her.
He hadn’t told her it didn’t matter, he hadn’t offered to support her in whatever way she needed, he’d only been concerned with beating the clock, with getting pregnant before it was too late.
And if that didn’t happen, he’d be forever disappointed, resentful of the fact they hadn’t been able to start their own family. ‘What if it’s too late already?’
‘Have you seen someone?’
‘Only Simon. I’m on the waiting list for a specialist.’
‘We’ll pay – get you an emergency appointment.’
‘Alex, you can’t even afford to pay Virginia for her advice. How are you going to find the money to pay for private fertility care? It costs a fortune, and there are no guarantees even when you’ve paid all that money. I’d rather wait.’
‘How long will it take if you wait for an NHS appointment?’
She shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. The referral has only just gone off, so I haven’t had anything back yet. But they might say they can’t help – and we have to be prepared for that. I’ve got HRT. I haven’t started to take it yet, but now that we’ve talked about it, I suppose there’s no reason not to.’
‘What does that do? Will it help?’
‘It’ll help manage my symptoms,’ she said, guessing at his thoughts. ‘It won’t help me to conceive. That’s not how it works.’
‘But it makes you how you were before… doesn’t it? I don’t know, but I thought that was what it did.’
‘If only.’
There was a thud from upstairs to remind them that they weren’t the only people in the house who needed reassurance.
Zoe angled her head at the ceiling. ‘You’d better go and see Billie.’
‘Another person I’ve got to grovel to.’
‘You should have let us know what was going on. What were we meant to think?’
He got up and started for the door. ‘We’ll talk more later.’
Later never came. Alex came back to the kitchen and sat down to resume his talk with Zoe, then his phone rang with a call from a prospective booking with a query.
He was on the phone so long that Billie came to get food, and then there was a knock at the door and his current guests had questions for him, and then Zoe got a call from one of her expectant mums who was worried she might have gone into premature labour, and Zoe was forced to dash out.
She didn’t get home until gone eleven, and by that time, the house was in darkness, with only a note on the table to tell her everyone had gone to bed.
Sorry. We waited up, but tomorrow is a busy one and we didn’t know how long you would be. Don’t be angry. I know we need to talk, and we will. I love you. A. x
Zoe sat down with a heavy sigh. They did need to talk, but it seemed life had other plans.