Chapter 27 #2
Alex stared at him and Zoe in turn. She’d have to explain that one on the way back, she supposed. They had a lot to discuss, and right now, there was no telling how any of it would go.
‘Never mind,’ Corrine said briskly. ‘It’s none of our business either way.’
‘Is Fern still in bed?’
‘She’s gone with Maisie to look at the house,’ Corrine said.
‘They have the keys?’
‘No, but they decided to look at the street to see how they fancied it. I told them we’d give them a lift, but in the end, our Leon was going that way, so he took them.’
Corrine sniffed, as if she didn’t much like the idea of Fern and Maisie going to look at a house together, and Zoe was reminded of what Victor had said about Fern’s imminent departure. She wondered if that meant Maisie had broken the news to her mum. She supposed she’d find out soon enough.
‘Oh. Well, tell her I said hello.’
‘I will.’
After promising to catch up later in the week, Zoe and Alex took Grizzle and left them to their breakfast. They were silent as they closed the gates and stepped out onto the fields.
As Zoe opened her mouth to say something, the fighter jets she’d seen earlier screamed their return. They both stopped for a moment, watching them until they’d disappeared behind the hills.
‘This place is full of surprises,’ Alex said. ‘Just when you think you’ve seen everything, there’s something else.’
‘A bit like life then.’
He gave her a curious look. ‘I love you. I wanted to say that before we say anything else. I love you, and that will never change, no matter what else happens.’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘I love you too.’
‘But I understand if you don’t feel you can stay with me.’
She paused, wondering whether to admit her recent thoughts. And then decided that hiding things hadn’t got her very far up until now, so perhaps it was time to be brutally honest.
‘I did consider moving back into Kestrel Cottage. Seeing as it’s empty.’
‘At least you don’t want to go back to Manchester. I was scared that you would because then I’d never see you again.’
‘Probably,’ Zoe admitted. ‘Do you think I should?’
‘Move back to Kestrel? I don’t want you to, but only you can decide.’
It didn’t feel like much of a fight to keep her, and Zoe couldn’t tell whether she’d hoped to hear that from him or not.
‘Maybe I should speak to Victor then…’
He stopped on the path and took her by the shoulders.
‘I’m sick of this! I’m sick of saying the wrong thing, or nothing, or the thing I think you want to hear because it backfires on me anyway!
This is me, laying it on the line. I want you.
I want to marry you, and I want to have a baby with you.
I don’t know how I’ll feel if it doesn’t happen, but I want to try, and if there’s no baby, I’ll still love you, that much I do know.
I want you to talk to me, really talk to me, about what you need and how you feel.
I have to fix this because I don’t want to lose you.
And I’m sorry I told Virginia, but I had to because I didn’t have anyone else to talk to, and I thought she might understand, and I respect her opinions, but if you think that means I have feelings for her, then you’re wrong.
I’ll admit, I was star-struck when we first connected again – she made me feel like I was nineteen again and life was a big adventure ready for me to go on, and I needed that because my own life was hard.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want that life.
No matter how hard it gets, I will always choose that life because you’re in it. ’
Zoe stared at him.
‘Say something,’ he pleaded. ‘I’ll take anything over silence about now.’
‘I don’t want to try for a baby. It’s too hard to take the disappointment if it doesn’t happen. I’m not saying I won’t get treatment, but I’m not going to make my entire life about getting pregnant.’
‘OK,’ he said slowly.
Zoe was dimly aware of Grizzle pulling at his lead to continue walking, but Alex didn’t seem to have noticed.
He held Zoe in a dark and sad gaze. It wasn’t what he’d wanted to hear.
But he’d asked and she’d told him the truth finally – a truth she should have told him weeks ago.
‘If that means you don’t want to be with me, then I’ll move out. ’
‘It doesn’t. If that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do. I don’t want you to move out. Is that what you’re planning?’
‘No. I only thought it might be for the best. I mean, we could date, but it might be good to have space for a while. I was worried I’d rushed the decision to move in, and then when all this happened, I was convinced I had.
But I also love living at Hilltop with you, and so maybe we can find a way to make it work, even if it was too soon to begin with.
Besides, Billie might have something to say about it if I did leave. ’
‘She’d understand,’ he said. ‘She wants you to be happy just like I do, whatever that looks like.’
‘I know that. I can’t honestly say what it looks like myself right now. Please be patient with me while I work it out.’
He seemed to realise that Grizzle was desperate to get moving again and began to walk. Zoe kept pace as they fell into a brief silence.
‘Marry me,’ he said into the space, and Zoe shook her head.
‘I can’t. I love that you’re asking, but it’s not the right time.’
‘I know that, but how else can I tell you how I feel? I want you to be certain about us and getting married…’
‘Marriage isn’t always certain, is it? Marriage doesn’t always mean forever. Don’t forget, I’ve been married before, and it was far from a done deal.’
‘What can I do then? How can I make you see how serious I am? I want to be with you, no matter what.’
She reached for his hand. Ahead, another cloud of white blossom was lifted from the trees of Hilltop’s garden.
It swirled around in the air before being carried off.
Grizzle strained to get ahead, the lead taut in Alex’s grip.
There was birdsong and the distant sounds of bleating sheep and the smell of new grass all around them.
Hilltop Farm waited to welcome them back, the floral curtains Zoe had fitted in the windows wide open, the shrubs she’d planted at the front door bursting into life, the cream of the rendering she and Alex had painted together gleaming in warm honeyed tones in the sun, as if the house itself knew it would need to take extra care of them for a while.
Life here was good. Why would Zoe give that up?
For all her recent doubts, she asked herself the question now, and she couldn’t answer it.
She couldn’t see how this would end – nobody could.
Perhaps they wouldn’t survive, but there was love, and they could try.
It seemed stupid to her now that she’d even considered giving up without a fight.
‘I do see it,’ she said. ‘I want to be with you too. I can’t promise it will be easy.’
‘When has anything worth having ever been easy? I don’t care how hard it gets because I’ll never give up on us.’
‘Me neither,’ she said.
The door to Hilltop opened, and Billie stepped out with Louisa in her arms. Alex waved, and Billie smiled, holding Louisa’s arm to give them a little wave in return, and Zoe was filled with a sudden swelling of love.
Maybe, she thought, the best kind of family were the ones who wanted to be a part of your life.
Sometimes they were related by blood, and sometimes they were just people who found you along the way when you needed them most.
* * *