Thirteen
Summer
My best friend in the entire world is on FaceTime with me from an airport in Rome, looking like the most defeated person I’ve ever seen, while I’m thousands of miles away at work.
“Lils.” I try to bring her attention back to me instead of whatever chaos is going on around her. “It’s really going to be okay.”
“No it’s not.” Her voice comes out rough and scratchy, breaking my heart in two.
“I was supposed to be able to do this,” Lily admits, defeated.
What was meant to be a month-long cruise turned into approximately two weeks when Lily declared she couldn’t continue.
She won’t say why she had such a hard time getting back on that ship after a day of exploring the city, but her grandparents had to tell the cruise line that they wouldn’t be continuing the trip.
Now they’re currently sitting in the airport waiting for a flight back home to Vermont.
I can tell how upset Lily is with herself and I’m sure her mind is trying to convince her that Estelle and Freddie are disappointed, but I don’t need to talk to Lily’s grandparents to know that’s not true. Not in the slightest.
In fact, they’re probably proud that she even made it two weeks. I know I am.
“At least you got to see some places.” I try to bring in some optimism.
Lily isn’t having it.
“No, I didn’t.” She’s quick to retort. “I clung to Grandpa and Mimi the entire time.”
I tap the corner of my phone screen, waiting a moment before I respond as a few of my coworkers walk toward the front door of the country club.
It’s five-thirty in the morning and we open in thirty minutes, but when I got a call from Lily to update me on when she’s supposed to be getting back home, nothing was going to stop me from answering.
At least now Lily isn’t hyperventilating because she feels like such a terrible person.
God, I wish I could just hug her right now. Eight months is a long time to not see her. I’m almost tempted to beg her grandparents to get a flight to New York instead of back home, but I know that would probably make Lily feel worse.
“Well, at least you can still say that you’ve been to Europe.” I try to reason with Lily but she has a quiet stubbornness about her.
“And say what? I got pins as souvenirs?”
“Yeah!” I smile, encouraging her further even though I know she was being sarcastic. “You like to hoard those things on your bag. I’m sure someone will ask about them.”
She groans into her knees, which are pressed up against her chest. “That’s somehow worse. If I can’t even do this, how am I going to go out there to Ellingbrook?”
My heart sinks. I want Lily here so badly that it hurts but I would never force her to come just for my own sake. I’ve just never gone this long without seeing her.
“It’ll be scary at first, Lils, but once you settle in, I’m sure you’re going to show this campus who’s boss and besides, if you’re that worried about having to bail on your cruise so early, River can just photoshop you at the Eiffel Tower or something.”
“Hey!” She tries and fails to hide her smile. “I took pictures.”
I know she did because Estelle sent every single one of them to me.
A woman’s voice comes from the airport intercom and catches Lily’s attention. The chewing of her bottom lip intensifies.
“The plane isn’t going to crash,” I reassure her but her eyes only widen and she’s looking back at me.
“Don’t say that! You’ll jinx it.”
“Lily, baby?” Estelle’s velvety voice replaces the airport chaos. I see the dark skin of her arm, partially in frame, and wish I could reach out.
“Hi, Estelle!” I greet her, waving.
Since Lily has an earbud in, she winces from my excitement but relays the message to her grandma. Estelle takes the seat next to Lily and even as Estelle grows older, she still looks as if she’s in her thirties. I guess a good diet and always being on the move will do that.
That and they had Lily’s mom pretty young.
“Hi, my summer girl. You doing good out there?”
I nod and Estelle blows me a few kisses before giving Lily one on the forehead, mumbling that they need to get going. Once Estelle walks away, Lily’s shoulders fall, having kept them held high only so she wouldn’t alarm her grandmother.
Fine, I guess I’m taking a flight to Rome just so I can sit next to Lily and distract her from every anxiety inducing thought she’s having.
“I guess I’ll talk to you later,” Lily sighs.
“Yeah, okay.” I lower my voice. “I promise everything will feel so much better when you’re back home, Lils.”
She shrugs, almost like she doesn’t believe that anything could possibly get better anymore. I want to beg her to remember her promise that she wouldn’t leave me. That she’d stick around and not end up back in the psych ward, but I’d selfishly take that over never seeing her again.
“Love you lots.” My voice is on the verge of cracking but I keep my composure.
“Love you tons.”
It’s not just a River and I thing. It’s an all of us thing.
Lily and I both wave before she hesitantly ends the call.
I stare at my phone screen, my reflection looking back at me.
I’m starting to think that maybe I should go back home.
If not to see both my dads then to see Lily.
It’s not that I didn’t even want to go in the first place.
I cried the second I sent the text to Papi that I wouldn’t be making it home for the summer, but I don’t know how to watch the people I love struggle when there’s nothing I can do about it.
I can’t get rid of Dad’s cancer, just like I can’t magically make Lily’s mental illness go away. I hate that I don’t have the power to do anything with every fiber of my being. Being far away feels safer than not being able to fix them when I’m right there.
Bethany pokes her head from behind the glass doors. “Summer? Can you help me fold these napkins?” Her voice softens as her gaze settles on me. “Everything okay?”
I quickly clear my throat and push off the wall. “Yeah, sorry, I just had a call I needed to take.”
Bethany steps closer. “Is it your dad?”
I felt comfortable enough to tell Bethany about Dad’s lung cancer, only because she lost her twin brother due to pancreatic cancer.
But I’m not quite sure how to tell her that I’m coming to realize I’m an awful friend and daughter for not having the answers to problems that I’m too terrified to face.
“Oh, no.” I quickly shake my head, trying to keep my voice steady. “I was just on the phone with a friend.”
Bethany raises her eyebrow. “Are you already having withdrawals from River? I thought that living with him would put an end to that.”
“Not that friend,” I groan, deciding to ignore as much of that comment as possible. We do not live together. I’m just temporarily staying at the apartment. “My best friend, Lily.”
I hold the door open for Bethany. We pass through the front lobby, purposely giving Cruella our most obnoxious smiles. It only makes it more exciting with how thrilled she looks to be here before six in the morning.
“Is Lily one of your friends back in Vermont?” Bethany asks.
“Yeah, Lils and I were actually best friends before we met River.”
“Damn.” Bethany’s eyes widen. “And I thought knowing my best friends for three years was a long time.”
Right, Sarah and Denise.
Bethany usually spends most of her time with them during the school year.
I’ve only met Sarah a few times and kicked a guy in the balls once for Denise.
He was drunk and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
From the stories Bethany has told me, I’m sure Denise could have handled it herself, but all I saw was a drunk girl trying to shove a guy off and I saw red.
Bethany and I make it back to the dining room and I start helping her fold each napkin intricately at every table. I notice that Bethany has done almost half of the tables and I feel kind of bad that I went to go take a call, but not bad enough to promise to ignore a call from Lily ever again.
“So…” Bethany eases into a conversation I’m not sure I want to have, judging by her suspicious tone. “What was with you and River the other night?”
Yeah, I knew that was coming.
I haven’t seen Bethany in three days—since karaoke night—and thankfully she’s been too busy doing god knows what to have the time to text me.
“What do you mean?” I choose to play dumb.
“You were all over him at karaoke.”
“We were having fun.” I turn my back to her, blaming it on my concentration to get these intricate folds right.
Fold, flip, tuck until I’ve created a double diamond.
Just like Hazel spent days teaching me.
I continue my argument. “Also, why does it matter? You and Moose couldn’t keep your hands off each other.”
“Yeah, but Moose and I are dating. We literally made out before going into that karaoke room.”
That sounds about right.
“River and I are just—”
“Handsy?” Bethany giggles.
“No. Comfortable. We’ve known each other for practically forever, remember?”
Bethany sets down the napkin she’s working on and walks over to my table to come help me even when I clearly don’t need it.
“Yeah, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen friends eye fuck each other like that before.”
I rub at my temples, now feeling a headache coming on.
Did I possibly get far too handsy with River, especially in front of our friends? Sure. But River and I promised not to tell anyone about us, so I deflect. “We weren’t eye fucking each other.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” Bethany snorts.
Something in me wants to tell her about what happened between River and me last night because my body seems to be buzzing constantly from keeping it all inside, but I keep my mouth shut and continue folding napkins.