Chapter 6 #3
“I’m so sorry, Chase. I was so wrong. You’re perfect the way you are, the way God made you. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Chase ducked his head into Shawn’s neck, where he usually hid from his parents’ shouts, and let his tears fall.
Maybe they’d never return to how they were as kids, but if they could get a piece of that back, it would be enough for him. Enough to settle the hole in his heart that had been there since he walked out of Shawn’s life.
If there was anyone else in the parking lot outside the diner, they were likely giving them odd stares, but Chase didn’t give a shit. It appeared Shawn didn’t either.
Still, he kept his words quiet so no one could overhear. This conversation was only for them.
“Nothing has changed. I’m still the same person, Shawn.”
“Everything has changed,” he said as he pulled away, putting enough distance between them so Shawn could look him in the eye. “You may be the same, but I’m not. I was so wrong about you. About everything. I know that now.”
“So suddenly you’re okay with me being gay?” Chase said, a bit of aggression coming through as he thought of his brother’s vile words from years before. “You don’t think it’s an abomination anymore?”
“No, I mean, yes, I’m okay with you being gay, not that it’s even up to me. And no, I don’t think it’s an abomination. I was so wrong.”
Chase peered into his brother’s deep brown gaze, filled with tears, sincerity and regret. He wasn’t ready to forgive him, not even close, but he would listen to him.
“Why now? Why not any time in the last decade?” he asked, his voice filled with hurt.
Shawn’s face took on a sheepish expression as he ran his hand through his short hair.
“I don’t know if you remember from one of my voicemails, but it started when this woman called me out on my shit in the middle of a soccer game not too long ago.
She didn’t touch me, but it was like a punch to the gut.
Like I could see how I acted through someone else’s perspective.
And I didn’t like it. It was someone from Cole Durbin’s team.
She stood up for him after I said… things I shouldn’t have said. ”
Chase remembered the voicemail, and had even brought it up when he ran into Cole and his girlfriend, Elena, at Shawn’s soccer tournament.
He still couldn’t believe Cole was back in his life as a member of Gym Rat Fitness.
They’d kept in touch over the years, but he hadn’t seen the guy in person since that fateful day with Shawn.
Seeing him at the soccer tournament a couple months back really threw him for a loop, especially since Chase was there to see Shawn for the first time in years.
Chase ended up leaving early, but he was thankful he went in the first place.
Otherwise, Cole wouldn’t have introduced him to Tobias.
He took a step away and Shawn’s arms fell to his sides.
“Why don’t we talk inside?”
Shawn brightened and nodded, and they walked into the diner together.
After grabbing a booth in the diner and ordering coffee and a pastry, they both slumped in their seats.
Silverware clinked against ceramic and delicious smells invaded Chase’s senses, but he tried to focus on the man in front of him, the man who’d meant so much to him during his childhood but who was now a stranger.
They remained silent until the server returned with coffee for each of them, a cinnamon bun for Chase and a blueberry muffin for Shawn.
At least some things never changed.
The quiet between them was charged, and Chase was one jolt away from freaking out.
Shawn wanted this meeting, so he could break the silence. Chase would just sit there quietly, tearing off pieces of his cinnamon bun. It was a good distraction, and he tried not to moan as it melted in his mouth.
It took ages before Shawn spoke.
“I, um, I know it was probably a shock to hear from me after all this time.”
Chase did nothing but widen his eyes and nod, keeping his focus on his pastry.
“I’m not sure where to start, exactly.”
He didn’t want to help Shawn get through this. He deserved every bit of discomfort after how he treated Chase all those years ago. But a small part of him hated to see his brother suffering, no matter what he’d done in his past.
“You said it started with a woman yelling at you.”
Shawn nodded and released a shaky breath, a little chuckle escaping before he spoke.
“Yeah, she kind of handed my ass to me, standing up for Cole. She swore she’d tell everyone I have a small dick just to shut me up. Which was weird because she’d never seen it before, but I guess it was an effective threat.”
Chase fought against the twitch of his lips, but he loved the idea of someone putting Shawn in his place.
“After that,” he continued, “I-I guess I fell down a rabbit hole on the internet. It turns out a lot has changed since we were teenagers, and I guess I’ve been living under a rock.
” He winced. “Or under Dad’s rule, anyway.
I don’t talk to him anymore, Chase. I realized how…
hateful his thinking was. It took me longer than it should have. I didn’t know how sheltered I was.
“The next month, my college frat was in the news. The school revoked their chapter registration after a pledge was hazed and…” Shawn shook his head and cleared his throat before he could continue.
“A few guys in the frat found out he was gay and forced him to have sex with a girl in front of all of them. He went to the dean the next day along with some of the other pledges who witnessed it. It made me think about what I would have done in that situation, and if that could have ever happened to you and I… It made me sick, Chase. I started doing all this research and talking to people in the… community. I was wrong about so many things. I’m fucking embarrassed it took me so long to figure it out.
Please, tell me it’s not too late. Do I still have time to be a good person, Chase? ”
Chase wiped away tears as he considered Shawn. It was never too late to change, otherwise what was the point in trying to get through to people? He sure as hell wasn’t going to say, “Nah, Shawn, it’s too late. Go ahead and keep being a bigoted asshole.”
However, it would take a lot more than this confession to feel better about his relationship with his brother, so he didn’t want to let him off the hook too easily.
One question stood out among everything else running through his head.
“What happened with Dad?”
Shawn took a deep breath before tearing into his blueberry muffin and tossing a piece in his mouth. He hadn’t taken a bite of it until then.
“After I figured out some things, I tried talking to him about it. I knew he wouldn’t listen, because it took me so long to listen.
So I tried going at it from an angle he wouldn’t expect.
I told him about how doctors found this one part of the brain is a different size in gay men than it is in straight men.
I thought, maybe, if I came at it from a biological side, how could he refute it?
“I shouldn’t have been surprised he thought those medical articles were bullshit fake news, but it still blew my mind.
Things escalated and I ended up telling him I wanted to fix things with Chase—with you.
He said… It doesn’t matter what he said, but I told him I was done with him and haven’t talked to him since. ”
Chase couldn’t hold back anymore. He slid his hand over top of Shawn’s, causing Shawn’s gaze to snap toward him, shocked Chase was initiating physical contact. Chase gave his hand a squeeze, but couldn’t say anything else. Maybe in time, but not yet.