Chapter 18 #2
Shane was joking, but Tobias noticed the edge of fear in his voice.
It reminded Tobias of Shane’s old insecurities.
The net was his spot. It had been for the last three years, but the fact Shane still referred to it as Tobias’ spot said plenty.
Apparently, it was something he still needed to work on, even though he’d slid into the position seamlessly.
It was a shame Tobias still had to reassure him after all these years.
“No need to worry, Kendrick,” Tobias said. “Retirement is where I’m staying.”
Despite his joking tone, he could see the tension draining from Shane.
“It suits you, although we’ve definitely missed you around the arena,” Cooper said, reaching over with his mug to clink it against Tobias’ from his spot next to Shane.
“Yeah, what did you think ‘Don’t be a stranger’ meant when I said it to you the day you left?” Grayson added, and Tobias was glad the man sat next to him so he didn’t have to stare into his dark, demanding gaze, one that made opponents quake on a daily basis.
“It’s kinda been a busy three years,” Tobias said, staring into his mug of beer.
“With your gym, you mean?” Cooper asked. “You still running that?”
“Yeah, it’s going good. I recently added yoga and these kids’ classes where they can work out alongside their parents. It’s going well so far.”
“That’s great, man!” Shane said. His support was always so in-your-face it overwhelmed people sometimes, but Tobias found it endearing.
“You ready to tell us why you retired?” Gray asked. His tone made it clear he wasn’t asking out of concern. “Ya know, since you kind of just dropped off the face of the earth?”
Tobias could have sworn the entire bar went silent.
Internally, he died a little bit, feeling like such an asshole as he thought about how much he’d left his friends in the dark all this time. He could start small and let these guys know what was really going on. Before he’d left, they’d been his best friends.
Over the last three years, he’d barely let anyone in except for his family. Every once in a while, he’d hang with the guys from the gym. He secretly loved every group chat text they sent, but it never really went both ways.
Except for Chase. He’d been a game-changer. Tobias could see how he hadn’t been living this whole time. Goosebumps sprouted on his skin as he thought about the incredible morning he was desperate to repeat. Preferably not in his gym.
Perhaps it was time to let these guys in too.
“Can you guys keep some secrets?” Tobias asked, his voice only trembling slightly.
Cooper snorted, making Tobias’ gaze snap up from his beer, and the guys all chuckled. Cooper had kept his bisexuality a secret for most of his life.
“You know we can,” Gray said. “We got your back no matter what, like always.”
Shane and Cooper nodded in agreement, and Tobias told himself not to cry from the support.
“I, um, I have anxiety,” he started, and he was suddenly filled with shame for not being able to open up to these guys before now. “My last year, I kind of spiraled and didn’t know up from down. The media and the fans were always difficult for me to handle, but it got so much worse that last year.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? If not to us, then why not to the team doc?” Gray said. “Why did you have to retire?”
Gray fixed Cooper and Shane with a hard stare. “This is why you don’t bottle things up. If you’re going through shit, you tell me, and we work it out together. Got it?”
Cooper and Shane nodded like good little hockey players, and Tobias sickened at the implication of his words. Could they have really helped him? What would have been different?
There was one piece of the puzzle they were still missing.
“I planned on coming out that summer. I didn’t want to play anymore if I couldn’t play as myself. You all remember what it was like when Coop came out. They put his whole life under a microscope.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone, but it was worth it. And I hope it gets easier for every guy who comes after me,” Cooper said, his eyes unfocused as he was lost in thought. He visibly shook himself and lit up as he turned back to Tobias. “Glad to have you in the club, though.”
“I wish we knew what you were going through so we could help,” Shane added.
Gray passed Tobias a napkin out of the holder at the end of the table, alerting Tobias to his teary eyes.
“Thanks for trusting us,” Gray said solemnly. “I understand why you felt like you couldn’t before.”
Tobias tried to dab his eyes as sneakily as possible. He didn’t care about the guys seeing him cry, but sitting in a booth with three active NHL players in a Philly bar meant people could be watching, and the last thing he needed was photos of him crying plastered all over the internet.
“Is this why you’re so nervous about playing in the alumni game?” Shane asked. “You gotta know, now that you’re retired, people wouldn’t make nearly as big a deal out of it. Unless you started dating a gay celebrity or something.”
“Yeah, a bit. I guess I don’t have to come out just to play in the game, but a part of me wishes I was brave enough to do it.
I know it won’t be as big a deal, but it’s still terrifying.
I’ve been doing my best to hold myself together,” Tobias said.
“My niece, Madison, is a great distraction, though. I’ve been watching her while Natalie’s been at the Olympics. ”
“She absolutely killed it,” Cooper said. “Will she be home for the game? You should have her come down to the locker room after and use her medals to distract everyone from you.”
Tobias snorted. That was actually a pretty good idea. “I’m sure Madison would enjoy that too.”
“Oh my God, you’re probably the cutest ‘girl dad’ ever. Do you do her hair and everything?” Shane asked excitedly.
“Not a girl dad, a guncle. And I have, in fact, mastered pigtails, but I can’t figure out a French braid to save my life.”
“I can teach you,” Gray said, and everyone’s heads turned to him. At their questioning gazes, he continued. “I used to do my mom’s hair for her when she couldn’t do it herself.”
“Geez, I think my balls just exploded,” Cooper said.
“Uh, do you need a doctor?” Shane asked, confusion written all over his face.
“Well, I can’t say my ovaries exploded. I don’t have those, so what else do I say when big tough men are being super cute like this?” Cooper said, and they all burst into laughter.
This is exactly what Tobias had been missing all these years, and a part of him regretted holding back from these guys and from his friends at the gym. He could do better.
He would do better.
And he knew exactly how to start.