Chapter 25
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FIVE
TESSA
“Mom?” The voice breaks through the thick veil of my dreams. I sit up and blink, seeing Zoe’s face in extreme close up, her brows knitted.
I sit straight up, alarm rushing through me. “What is it?” I ask. “Is something wrong?” It takes me a minute to realize I’m in a different bed. In a different home.
And for a second panic rushes through me because the last thing I remember was Linc holding me against his chest as my eyes began to get heavy.
But he’s not here. I let out a long sigh of relief. Clever, clever man. He must have gone to his bed after I fell asleep.
“Can’t you hear that?” she asks.
“Hear what?”
“Linc. There’s noise coming from his room.” She looks worried. “Like shouting and stuff. Is there somebody with him?”
“No. Could he be on the phone?” I ask her.
She looks at the clock next to my bed. It’s displaying 3 am .
Then he shouts out again. “No!”
The noise echoes through the wall next to my bed. It’s plaintiff and scary. Zoe’s eyes catch mine.
My heart plummets into my stomach. The nightmare. The one I never got to the bottom of in Exuma. Because I’m pretty sure he’s not talking to anybody in the middle of the night.
“Go back to bed,” I tell her. “I’ll deal with it.”
“Is he hurt?” she asks.
He calls out again and I climb out of bed. “No, but I think he’s having a nightmare. He’ll be fine. Go back to bed, sweetheart.”
“What if he hurts you? I’ve heard of men killing their wives while they’re asleep.”
Oh Zoe and her imagination. “He won’t hurt me,” I promise. “But it’s late and you need your sleep.”
She hugs me before she finally does as I ask, padding back down the stairs to her bedroom.
I pull on a robe and walk to Linc’s room, tapping on the door even though he won’t hear me.
And then I push it open.
He’s laying on the bed, curled up like he had been on the sofa bed in Exuma. He’s naked, his body curled up in the fetal position, his arms wrapped around his chest like he’s trying to protect himself. He’s stopped shouting. Now, he’s groaning, loud and gutturally.
Softly closing the door behind me, I walk over to his bed. The sheets have been kicked into a rumpled mess at the base of the mattress. One of the pillows is on the floor. I pick it up and put it beside him, then I reach out to touch his hair.
“It’s okay,” I soothe. “It’s just a dream.”
His throat rumbles as he lets out a whimper. It cuts right through me. The sound is such a contrast to this strong, virile, funny man.
It hurts me to know he’s hurting .
And then his eyes fly open. He’s staring right at me, but not seeing me. “Mom?”
I let out a lungful of air. “It’s Tessa,” I tell him. “You were having a nightmare.”
His brow is damp with sweat as I touch it. His whole body is glowing in the moonlight. He presses his lips together, then looks around his bedroom, as though he’s trying to work out where he is and what’s going on.
He sits up, his shoulder muscles rippling, then his gaze lands on me. “Did I wake you?” he asks me.
“You woke Zoe.”
“Shit.” He squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I tell him. “She’s gone back to bed. And I should probably go back to bed too. Will you be all right?”
He reaches for me, pulls me against him. His body is overheated but I let him hold me. Maybe we both need it. And that’s how we stay for at least five minutes. Not talking, just holding. Linc pressing his face against my hair.
It’s only when I get back into bed that I realize he never answered my question. Will he be all right?
I hope so.
We’re sitting on the roof terrace of his apartment building the following evening. The moon is almost full and the night sky is unblemished by clouds. We’re all alone up here. According to Linc, half of the apartments in this place are empty. Owned by investors looking to diversify their portfolio.
They’re missing out because it’s beautiful up here. I’d rather be snuggled up to this gorgeous man and staring at the heavens than counting the money in my index funds.
Not that I have one. So it’s a good thing we have this.
I dropped Zoe off at her dad’s about three hours ago. We stopped off at home first, so she could grab her gym clothes and I could make sure everything is ready for tomorrow’s bathroom demo. The water is still off and the contractor has agreed to keep me updated, but he thinks I should have a working toilet and shower by Thursday, ready to move back in.
Jared hadn’t been there when we got there. There was only Melissa, looking stressed and upset because she couldn’t get ahold of him.
It was strange watching her pace on the phone, because once upon a time that was me. I was the one waiting and wondering, I guess while he was in bed with her.
The weird thing was that I didn’t get any satisfaction from seeing her so agitated. I just felt sad for her, because some people never change. It was like the final tiny thread linking me to my old life, my old relationship, had dropped away.
Thanks to this man sitting next to me.
I’d offered to take Zoe back home with me, but Melissa insisted she stay. I suspect she’s still in that zone of trying to prove she’s a good partner. And since Zoe’s schedule was all planned out for her being at Jared’s for school tomorrow, I agreed.
An hour later, Zoe sent me an update to tell me that her dad was home.
She found it funny but I’m not sure I ever could.
“What are you thinking about?” Linc asks softly, his arm around me as we sip at our glasses of wine.
“That I shouldn’t be drinking good wine when I have to get up for work tomorrow.”
“So stay in bed all day with me. We’ll video call Roman and tell him we’re playing hookey for love.”
The thought of Roman’s face if he heard that makes me giggle. “I can’t. I’ve got meetings.”
“Yeah, me too. But we have tomorrow night.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with me staying here until Wednesday? ”
“Of course I am.” He brushes my jaw with his lips. “If I had my way you’d be here until your whole home was ready for human habitation.”
“We’ve managed up until now,” I point out.
“Yeah, but you didn’t have me then.”
I tilt my head up and look at him.
He sighs. “Go on then.”
“Are you a mind reader now?” I ask him.
Linc lifts a brow. “I’m a Tessa Carmichael reader. And I know you want to ask me about last night. It was just a nightmare. I get them occasionally. I’m blaming Zoe for making me play video games all night.”
He’s making light of it. I thought he would. He’s a man who doesn’t like to show the chink in his armor. He plasters all the cracks with humor, hoping nobody will see underneath.
But I’m like a dog with a bone when I latch onto something.
“You had a nightmare when we were in Exuma too.”
His expression betrays his surprise. “Did I?”
“Yes. The first night. You were sweating buckets on the sofa bed.”
Linc swallows, his Adam’s apple undulating in his throat. His profile is illuminated by the moonlight. “I get them sometimes.”
“How often?” I ask him, curious.
“A few times a year,” he says, staring into the distance. “I guess more often recently.”
“Twice in a few weeks,” I agree. “Is it the same nightmare or something different?”
His lips part as he exhales softly. “The same one.”
When his eyes catch mine I’m reminded of the way he stared at me last night. It feels like we’re looking into each others’ souls. “I’m sorry I woke you. And Zoe. I wasn’t sure whether to talk to her about it or not. ”
I give him a half smile. “Funny thing about teenagers, they’re more observant than you’d think, but they care less than you’d think too. If it doesn’t revolve around her, she’ll probably file it under ‘things that aren’t that important’.”
“I get nightmares about my mom,” he says. The sudden admission takes me by surprise.
“What about her?”
He’s looking at me again. Like he’s searching my face for answers. “This can’t go any further. Nobody knows. Except me and her.”
I nod, because I’m not planning on telling anybody. “You can trust me,” I tell him.
“When I was twelve I found her unconscious on her bed. She’d taken a lot of pills. She was unresponsive.”
I gasp audibly. “You were twelve?” I ask. My stomach tightens. He was younger than Zoe is now. “What happened?”
“I’d watched enough television to know I needed to make her throw up. I was a big kid, even then.” He runs his tongue along his lip, deep in thought. “I was hyperventilating. Pleading with her not to die. My dad had just left us and I was so fucking scared that we were going to lose her, too.”
“Your brothers were there?”
He shakes his head. “Just me. Brooks was at a friend’s house. I was supposed to be there, too, but I came home to pick something up. And that’s how I found her.”
I blink. In some of the very darkest moments in my divorce, I remember wanting it all to end. But I couldn’t have done it. I knew Zoe needed me. That’s the only thing that kept me going.
“She must have been in a very dark place.”
“Yeah. I guess she was.” He reaches for my hand, sliding his fingers between mine. I squeeze it back, because I need him to know how much I care.
“What happened next?” I ask. He’s talked about her so I know she’s alive. I also know his family is complicated. But I really need to know what happened to that boy who was scared he was about to lose everything.
“I called the paramedics,” he says. “They came pretty quick.” He squeezes my hand again. “The rest of it, I can’t really remember. Like I’ve blanked it out. But I think they pumped out her stomach and then she went into some outpatient therapy. All I can remember is her apologizing to me, promising me she wouldn’t do it again. Begging me not to tell anybody because she didn’t want our dad to take me and Brooks away from her.”
“Didn’t the police alert him?” I ask.
“I guess not. Maybe things were different then. All I know is she kept her promise. Things got better. A lot better.”
“But you still dream about it.”
“I dream about the what ifs,” he says. “What if I hadn’t gone home? We were at a sleepover. We weren’t supposed to be home until the next morning.” He looks at me carefully. “I know it wasn’t my fault. But I guess sometimes in the darkness of night…” he trails off.
“The little boy you once were comes out.”
“Something like that.” He runs the pad of his thumb over my palm. “So now you know my deepest darkest secret.”
“It’s not your secret,” I tell him. “It’s hers. Have you told her about the nightmares?”
He frowns. “No. And I’m not going to. As far as she knows I’ve forgotten it, and I want it to stay that way.”
“Why?” I ask him. “Are you afraid she’ll try again?”
Linc blinks, staring into the inky sky. “She won’t do it again. She’s happy now. She has been for the longest time.” He turns his head to look at me. “You’re the first person I’ve spoken to about this since I was twelve.”
“You should talk to your mom,” I tell him. “I’d want Zoe to talk to me. Or if you can’t talk to her, maybe a therapist could help. ”
“I’m talking to you,” he says gruffly.
Yes he is, and my heart is tight with gratitude that he trusts me enough with this. Before I can tell him so, he’s circling my waist with his hands, lifting me onto him so I’m straddling his legs, our faces a breath away from each other.
“But if you really want, you can give me some physical therapy,” he says, brushing his lips against my jaw, my cheek, my lips.
“Here?” I ask, looking around.
“Here,” he agrees, sliding his hands beneath my top.
And I kiss him back, because I think we both need this.