Chapter 28
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
CALLA
It’s been two weeks since I waved goodbye to Ash and I’ve just a few days left before returning to university.
Fourteen days ago, I went through the hardest goodbye I’ve ever faced.
I can’t even compare it to saying goodbye to my grandparents when they left for Greece.
Yes, I was sad to see them go, but this grief-like state I find myself in is on another level.
It’s a sadness so painful, it burns my insides while my heart literally weeps with the memories.
I’m so in love with him, it simply hurts.
After he left, I couldn’t handle going back to the festival as planned.
I’m sure Angie wasn’t thrilled at being left alone with Scott.
Still, her understanding was appreciated, especially when they both arrived at my door at 9pm.
They insisted they weren’t bothered about missing Florence and the Machine, which I know is a lie.
Angie has loved them forever, but she was sacrificing her dream of seeing them live for me.
“Some things are more important,” she said while barging her way in, fish and chips in hand, while Scott held out a bottle of Jack Daniels.
“This won’t drink itself, and you look like you could do with a stiff drink… or three.”
I welcomed them in, thanking them every few minutes, crying the next. It was a pretty horrendous night for me but thank God they were there. They have no idea how grateful I was for their selflessness—no idea at all.
My days have seemed so long without Ash, my nights worse. Now he’s in New York, I have visions of him clubbing with the boys, living his best life. I wonder if he misses me when he’s out having fun.
We text most days but haven’t spoken in a few.
The time difference sometimes makes this difficult.
The last time we spoke was brief; Ash talked between studio rehearsals and grabbing food.
From what he said, they’ve continuously worked in the studio and recorded their first single.
Now they’re getting as many tracks down towards their new album as possible.
Mindlessly, I wipe down the kitchen counter, not taking any notice if it is clean or not.
There’s no noise in my house, no music. I’m reluctant to put on the radio in case a song plays which reminds me of him, or worse, I hear his voice.
I know the day will come when their single plays across the airways, but will I ever be prepared for that?
The strangest thing is it was me who wanted this.
I said I wasn’t prepared to drop everything and leave, despite Ash asking me on more than one occasion.
Sometimes I question what was going through my mind when I made my decision.
At this moment in time, it’s an effort to physically get myself together.
Yet I was the one who insisted on going back to university to finish my degree.
Right now, I couldn’t give a shit about it; all I feel is lonely.
Not the usual type of lonely where you crave company from a friend or need to get out in a crowd.
This is the worst kind. Only the person you love with every fibre of your being can cure it and it’s draining to feel this way.
The ring of the home phone drowns my thoughts. Nobody ever calls on that number, so it startles me at first. I chuck the cloth in the sink and head to the hall, and when I pick up the receiver, I hold it as if it has the lurgy. This old retro phone is chunky, alien and uncomfortable to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Calla?” A stern female voice comes down the line.
“Yes?” I have no idea who I’m talking to, but they’re too familiar to be a telemarketer.
“It’s me.”
I stay silent, rolling my lips and racking my brain to who I’m talking to until she says, “Your mother, remember?”
It’s been so long, but the spiteful tones in her voice light a spark of recognition. “Oh, at long last.”
“Pleased to hear your voice too.”
“Sorry, Mum. How are you?” I wonder then why I’m sorry. It’s been over a year since I actually spoke to her. The last time I tried to make contact, I left messages with her new love interest. She’s taken her sweet time in returning my calls.
“I’m fine, getting along okay. You?”
“I’m alright.” I don’t elaborate. We’re not close and I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear about my lovesick state. However, there was another significant life-changing event we needed to talk about. “But I have been catching up with long-lost family.”
“Really? Who the hell were you catching up with?”
I can’t play games. I was sad before she called, now I’m mad and about to take it out on her. “When were you going to tell me, I had a brother?”
“I beg your pardon. What the hell kind of nonsense are you talking now?” She sounds genuinely shocked, but I push forward. “I’m talking about my half-brother. When did you think you were going to tell me you had an affair with his father, Jerry Knox?”
“Who told you such rubbish.”
“Are you saying it’s not true?”
“I… um…. not exactly. I didn’t think there was any need to tell you anything.” This is the first time I’ve heard her so tongue-tied.
“Now hold on a minute. There was no need to tell me?”
“No. Jerry is, or should I say was, nothing to you.”
“Oh, no one special. Just my dad, who, by the way, had a son who is the same age as me.”
“Sweetie, listen to me,”
“What’s the point? You’ll only make excuses and there are no excuses for any of this.”
I hear her muffled sigh down the line. “It wasn’t like that.”
“It wasn’t like what? I don’t understand. The man was married, Mum and so were you. What part of having an affair is right? And while we’re on the subject, you’ve lied to me my entire life, so there’s that too.”
“How do you know this boy is your brother?”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m just saying, for all you know, he could have made it up. Does he have proof like a DNA test or something?”
“No, I only have his word, but something inside me says he’s telling the truth.”
“Hmm, it’s not exactly scientific evidence is it, sweetie.”
“No Mum, it’s not, but for some strange reason, his father thought it was right to be straight with his son and tell him everything.”
“People do strange things, Calla.”
My blood is boiling through my veins. I huff loudly, making sure she can hear it. “I was being sarcastic.”
“Then it doesn’t suit you.”
I nearly explode with anger at this point. She’s avoiding the issue. “Did you or did you not have an affair with Jerry Knox?”
“We… had a fling, yes.”
“A fling, great. And were you both married to someone else?”
“It was just a fling. Nothing more.”
“Oh, well, that’s alright then. No harm done.”
“Listen, young lady—”
“Why should I? For fuck’s sake, Mum, be straight with me.”
“There’s no need to swear.”
“I think there’s every need. Now, tell me, did you get pregnant after the so-called fling?”
I hear her rapid breathing down the line. “Yes, I did… but it doesn’t mean that man was your father.”
“So, you’re saying Scott is lying.”
“Who’s Scott,”
“Jerry’s son. My half-brother. Are you saying he’s lying to me and his dad is not my dad?”
There’s silence. So much so I have to check she’s still there. “Mum?”
“I’m thinking,” she shrieks.
“About what?” I shriek back.
“About…. about the fact, I don’t really know, Calla. I can’t confirm or deny because I was sleeping with Jerry and Greg at the same time.”
I stumble back against the wall while bile rises in my throat. “You don’t know?”
“No. Is that so terrible?”
I rub my fingers against my forehead, taking a seat on the bottom stair.
I question how one person can be so utterly selfish and stupid all at the same time.
“Yes, it matters. You’re not the only person this affects.
What about Scott? He knows his father had an affair, and I’m the result, at least he thinks I am.
It’s also what his mother thought. Did you know, you and Jerry broke her heart with this sordid mess?
Actually, you probably broke Jerry’s too in the end. ”
“I don’t think so. We had regular contact right until he died.”
“You still saw each other?”
“Oh no, nothing like that, but he paid me child allowance until you turned eighteen.”
This whole situation goes from bad to worse. “Hold on a minute, you’re telling me you have no idea if this man is my father and you think Scott is making this whole thing up. Yet, you accepted child allowance payments until just a few years ago. Are you joking?”
“Someone had to pay for you, and Greg buggered off, so he wasn’t going to see me right.”
“Jesus, you have some cheek.”
Why is she taking this so lightly? Does she not realise her actions had consequences? How much she hurt Scott and his family? “Why didn’t you tell me this years ago?”
“About your real father? As I said, I can’t be sure exactly which one of the two it was, so I left it alone for your own good.”
“Don’t, Mum. Just don’t.”
“Just don’t what? Why are you playing the victim suddenly? I was the one coping, I was left alone to bring you up. The life of a single mother is not always a happy one.”
I actually laugh out loud at her point. It’s not a valid reason under the circumstances. “You didn’t bring me up; Nanna and Gramps did. They were my parents, not you.”
“It might have seemed like I was never around when you were growing up, but I was there.”
“Were you? My memories from back then are vague.”
“I had so much on my plate sweetie.” Why does she always use a term of endearment when she’s in a tricky position. “And your dad and me—it was a sticky situation.”
“I’m confused. Are we talking about Jerry or the man you married? The man I thought had abandoned me, but as it turns out, I wasn’t his to abandon, or was I? Who knows?”
“I can’t do this over the phone, Calla. You’re being unreasonable.”
“Do Nanna and Gramps know?” She is silent after my question, which speaks volumes. “So, no then.”
“Again, there was never a right time.”