28. Colby
TWENTY-EIGHT
Colby
Eating with Novi’s family is a surreal experience.
It’s easy to see why Elena has her own cooking show because her food is delicious, even if it’s a dinner meal at breakfast time.
She argued it’s dinner time in Russia, so I shut my mouth.
One, because I want her to like me, and two, I wasn’t sure a knife wouldn’t fly at my head.
Sitting at this table with her and Novi, plus the two devil children who are somehow adorable yet terrifying, that fear of flying knives is still in the back of my mind.
One thing I have noticed, though, is the way Novi’s hardened features soften around his sister and niblings.
He’s more relaxed, there’s no tension in his wide shoulders, and he smiles more.
A genuine smile that anyone could pick up on.
And looking at Elena through that same lens, I realize they both really are the big-hearted softies Novi claims them to be.
At least, I think. If I’m going to stay over again while Elena’s visiting, I’m still going to lock the bedroom door to be safe.
But I shouldn’t stay again. Because rules, damn it. Plus, Novi deserves to have family time without me distracting him or taking away from their visit.
The little one, Alexei, turns to me and asks something in Russian. I only pick up on the word “hockey.”
“Use your English,” Elena says sternly. Or sweetly. I give up on trying to decipher the Novicov tone.
Alexei hesitates before saying, “You. Hockey. Play?”
“Ah. I used to, but I’m now your uncle’s coach.”
He looks confused.
I try to think of another word for coach. “Uh, teacher?”
Alexei thinks for a moment. “Teach. Lesson.”
“Hockey lessons. Yes.”
He goes back to his food. Elena’s food is so amazing even the kids eat it. My diet at their age consisted of nuggets and fries and not much else.
I don’t actually know what I’m eating, but it’s some kind of soup with vegetables and meat, and it’s the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten.
I go to tell her exactly that, but when I meet her eyes, she’s got that scary-ass look on her face again.
“And you are at my brother’s house. Early in the morning.”
“Coach Kessinger makes sure to give me extra attention because I’m at a level of amazing that very few coaches can teach.”
Elena rolls her eyes.
But from that moment and for the rest of the day, I notice every time she looks my way. And she does it a lot.
I’m self-conscious as Novi and I do the dishes after we’ve finished eating because I can feel her watching.
Novi doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. He’s determined to be cute and annoying by covering me in soap suds whenever he can.
I duck away from his attempt to put a dollop of bubbles on my nose. “At this point, I think it would be more efficient if you let me do the dishes on my own.”
He nods solemnly. “Efficient but less fun.”
“That’s true.” Doing anything without him lately is less fun.
Like sleeping. Showering. Even watching TV. Not that we’ve really had time to do that with our fleeting trysts and sneaking around. I just know that being at home and watching TV feels so empty now.
Is this what obsession looks like? If we were to spend all of our waking moments together, would this craving I have for him dim? Would the need to constantly see him and be with him be replaced with needing a break?
When I step back up to the sink, Novi steps in behind me and presses himself against my back.
My gaze goes right to where Elena is in the living room, playing with her kids, and yup, she’s staring right at me.
I elbow Novi in the gut and whisper, “Your sister is watching.”
“It’s not like she doesn’t know about us.”
I twist to look at him over my shoulder. “You told her?”
“No. She’s observant. Like she said, you were here early in the morning.”
“But you told your nephew that I was a friend from work.”
Novi grips my hips and turns me toward him. “I didn’t realize you heard that. He might be little, but he has a big mouth, and he wouldn’t understand the need to not talk about the man who shares a bed with his uncle.”
I swallow hard because the pain of having to lie to his nephew makes everything in my body tense up.
“If it’s too hard for you?—”
He presses against me again, his hips meeting mine. “It’s very hard.”
“Not. That.” I grit my teeth and use all the restraint I have to playfully push him off me because if we can’t show affection in front of his niblings, he can’t be pushing his hard cock against me.
Novi’s genuine smile appears once again as he steps away and adjusts himself. I love what happiness looks like on him, but it only reminds me that behind closed doors is the only time I’ve ever seen it.
He deserves happiness, damn it, and I wish I could be the one to give it to him, but it’s something he has to do for himself.
I know he’s close to wanting to tell the world—I think he’s been ready for it for a long time, but he’s only now admitting it to himself—but there’s one thing holding him back.
Two if you include me, but even though I would be more comfortable if he stayed closeted so I wouldn’t lose my job, I would never ask him to stay in there for me.
Once he does come out, it will only be a matter of time before our relationship becomes public.
We can’t stick to the rules now where no one would even jump to those conclusions.
If everyone finds out Novi isn’t the homophobe they think he is …
how long will it take them to put two and two together?
Player suddenly comes out only mere months after a gay coach started with the team?
“Who wants their uncle to take them for ice cream?” Elena asks with the same expression Novi has when he’s excited.
The same expression that makes people think he’s threatening them, not asking if they want to do something fun.
But the kids obviously know their mother, and I’m guessing they know the English words “ice cream” because they scream with glee.
Maybe the threat is against me. Because while I’d love to escape with Novi to go get ice cream, it seems Elena has already clocked that we can’t be seen in public together unless in a professional capacity. Which means I’m stuck here. With her.
Alone.
Where all the knives live.
Novi looks back at me, then at his sister, then at the kids. He says something in Russian, and Elena tsks him.
“What happened to speaking English?” she asks.
They start bickering in Russian, but Elena steps closer to him and turns to me. His arguments die on his tongue.
“You’re not really scared of me, are you? You’ll survive without my little brother protecting you.”
My lips part, but no sound comes out.
“See? He’s happy to stay here and keep me company while you take my children and give your overworked, pregnant sister a break from the chaos.”
I wonder if she considers murder a form of chaos or an everyday nonevent.
I’m still standing in the kitchen, frozen at the sink.
Novi’s eyes meet mine, and as if having a silent conversation, they ask if I really am okay with it, but it’s not like I can say no. She might kill me even harder.
“Go be with your niblings. I’m fine.” I’d probably be more believable if my voice didn’t crack.
“And if he’s not, you know who to blame,” Elena says.
This time, I hear the playful tone in her voice and am able to recognize it for what it is.
Just like Novi, Elena loves being feared, but I trust Novi when he says she’s as sweet as he is.
Not many people get to see that side of him, but I do, and I’m going to remind myself that she’s exactly the same as he is.
She’s not intimidating. She’s not.
“Need me to take all the knives?” Novi lowers his voice, but Elena must hear him because she snorts.
“Of course not,” I say. Loudly. But my eyes must say something else because Novi picks up the knife block and tucks it under his arm.
“Let’s go, kids!”
They leave, but I can no longer be nervous about being left alone with Novi’s scary sister because now I’m worried about what the public will think when they see Radimir Novicov carrying a block of knives down the street with two little kids trailing behind him.
I hope he has bail money stashed around here somewhere.
Because I’m too chickenshit to approach Elena, she comes to me. I figure as long as the kitchen counter is still between us, I’m safe. Only, she rounds that and keeps coming.
Even though my flight instinct is telling me to run, I force myself to stay still.
Remember, Colby: she’s not intimidating.
She raises her arms, and just when I think it didn’t matter if Novi took her knives away from her, she’s going to kill me with her bare hands, she wraps her arms around my shoulders—my shoulders and not my neck—and hugs me.
Through my confusion, I’m able to stiffly hug her back, and when she steps away, her eyes are glassy.
I want to make more jokes about her wanting to kill me and crying because she feels sorry for me over it, but there’s something in the way she casts her gaze down, her head low, that tells me now’s not the time.
In a shaky voice, she says, “Thank you for bringing him out of that closed-off way about him.”
I’m … confused. “You think I did what now?”
“I didn’t know why my brother was suddenly so adamant on wanting to come out, and I realize now. It’s because you make him happy.”
“I know it might seem like it’s because of me, but?—”
“Maybe now he will not care what Russia has to say about him when he does. He will just do it.”
I suck in a deep breath and send up a silent “see you soon” to all of my dead relatives because Elena might be scary, but she’s also misguided, and I want her to know what her reluctance to denounce him does to him.
“The thing is,” I start and then have to take another breath.
“He doesn’t want to come out for me. Even if he does come out right now, we can’t tell anyone we’re together because I’m his coach.
I would lose my job, it would be a huge scandal in the hockey world, and even when he retires at the end of next season, we’re still going to have to keep us under wraps for a while so no one thinks anything inappropriate happened while we were working together. ”
“But that has happened.”
My gut sinks. “I know, and yes, we both acknowledge that it’s a morally gray area, but …
” I flash back to Novi locking us in the storage room, to him recreating us playing quarters like we did all those years ago, and how it almost seems inevitable that we ended up where we did. Like it’s fate or something.
“But …?” she asks.
“We couldn’t help ourselves.”
“You’re in love with him,” she says.
If I’m not, I’m mid-fall with no safety net. “I’m falling hard.”
“Then if he’s not coming out for you, why?—”
I make sure to stare her in the eyes as I say, “He doesn’t want you or your kids to suffer because of him. He’s been ready to come out for a few years, Elena. He hasn’t, though, because even if you refuse to leave Russia, you also refuse to denounce him, and he won’t?—”
“I wouldn’t get arrested for not doing it. He’s being overprotective of us.”
“It doesn’t matter if the chance is only small that something could happen to you or your family. Because if there’s any risk at all, he won’t do it. He’s selfless to a fault.”
“How can he ask me to give up my career?”
“He’s not.”
“He is though. I can’t not stand up for my beliefs that the best person I know in this whole world should get to be happy with whoever he wants. I won’t pretend to hate him when all he wants is to be himself.”
“I understand that, I do, but have you thought about an alternate plan where you get to keep your career and not denounce him?”
She thinks about it for a beat, her lips pressed into a flat line. “You’re talking about leaving Russia.”
“I know Russia is your home and you love it there, but there are cooking networks in the US who might want to snap you up. Or in Canada. The UK. Hell, anywhere else in Europe.”
She folds her arms. “I thought you were scared of me, and now you’re telling me to my face that it’s my fault my brother is so depressed.”
“No, it’s not your fault. He’s depressed because he chooses to protect you. Personally, I think you could take on the Russian government all by yourself. But yes, until he can know you’re one hundred percent safe, he will continue to hide his true self from the world.”
Just as I think I’m getting through to her, she hugs me again.
“Then I can’t express how glad I am that he has you to scatter happiness and light amongst his darkness.”
It might be official: Novi’s sister is him in woman form. Terrifying, subtly sweet, but most of all, bullheaded and stubborn.