Chapter Thirty-Six
Marcello
We don’t talk much on the Tube home. We’re travelling at rush hour so we’re squashed into a carriage together, surrounded by harried-looking strangers who are also making their way home.
I don’t mind it. It forces me to press up to Giles, close enough I can smell his leafy, fresh scent and feel the warmth of his body adding to the heat already in the stuffy train.
Even though we don’t speak, I feel like we communicate.
There are long, questioning looks. There are small smiles that grow in sync when neither of us drop eye contact.
And when the Tube comes to a sudden stop at Warren Street, Giles jolts forward and reaches for the bar above our heads, pressing his groin against my thigh.
I could be imagining it but he feels hard, which, of course, makes me hard.
I could say I have no clue what Giles wants to say to me. I could say that I’m nervous and anxious that it will be bad. I could say that I’ve rethought telling him how I feel already. But that would all be a lie.
By the time I’m walking through the door to his flat, my whole body is a mass of nervous energy.
The kind that lights up my nerve endings and feels like electricity is soaring through my veins.
It feels like a big surge of dopamine mixed with the joy of a new hyperfixation, and yet I know there is so much more to what I’m feeling than this.
Because when Giles moves silently into the kitchen and goes about filling the kettle, I watch him and feel that charged anticipation, yes, but I also feel an overwhelming sense of calm grounding me.
I feel like a kite flying high but with its string tethered to something strong and safe.
I bathe in that calm as I kick off my shoes, dump my bag and watch him finish making our tea from the sofa. He brings the mugs over and then sits next to me.
“Thank you,” I say as I take my drink. I look at it. “You didn’t even ask me how I like it?”
“I have eyes,” he says with a smile that seems a little tense.
“Giles, I know you wanted to talk but I need to tell you something too.”
He puts his mug down on a coaster and then turns his body towards me. “No, Marcello. Let me talk, please.”
“If you’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Okay.”
But he doesn’t talk. Not immediately. There’s a silence that stretches out for so long I start to wonder if maybe he’ll change his mind, that telling me about his feelings – if that is indeed what he wants to share – is just too much.
And then I tell myself to just sit and wait. To try to empty my head as much as I possibly can. To be patient, even though that’s sometimes an impossible task for me.
So I try. And eventually, he speaks. “I’ve been very stupid.”
“Giles, no—”
“Please, just let me talk.”
“Okay,” I say and sit back.
“I should never have gone on a date with Tony. And honestly, I should never have agreed to do the sex lessons with you.” His gaze drops to his hands and I don’t know if it’s that or what he just said that makes me feel so inexplicably sad. “I knew when you asked me that it would end up like this.”
When he doesn’t elaborate, I risk a question. “Like what?”
His ocean eyes are back on me, swirling with sky blues and grass greens and an indescribable shade of something else.
“I knew I’d end up falling in love with you,” he tells me and punctuates it with a relieved sigh.
It takes all I have in me to not blurt out that I feel the same. That I’ve fallen in love with him too. That we can now live happily together forever. But I don’t. I owe him my patience and silence.
“And back then, I really didn’t want to do that.
I knew you didn’t feel the same way and I love our friendship, the training sessions we do together.
I didn’t want to threaten that. But I was stupid, and selfish, and I agreed to it anyway.
I thought it may be the only way I could have you, like that. And I wanted you too much.”
It’s like the electric charge in my veins has just been increased and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m literally vibrating with all the energy and joy I feel. My knee is bouncing wildly but I don’t try to stop it. Giles doesn’t even seem to be aware of it.
“I still want you.” His eyes seem to flash bluer and clearer than I’ve ever seen them. “But not just physically. I want you all ways. Like I said, I’ve fallen in love with you, Marcello, but again, I’ve been too stupid, and too fucking scared, to tell you that.”
“Giles, I—” I reach for his hand but he moves his fingers away from me.
“I’m not finished,” he says and his voice wobbles slightly.
“I want you to know that it’s okay if you don’t feel the same.
I thought I’d be able to just ignore how I feel and continue to do the sex lessons and the gym sessions, but I don’t think I can.
That’s why I went on that date with Tony.
Because I wanted to force myself into sleeping with someone else and therefore breaking our exclusive agreement.
But really, I should have just been honest that it’s too much for me to be with you intimately, while I feel what I feel.
And I fear the gym is the same. Maybe one day in the future I will be over it and we can train together again but for now—”
I reach for his leg and squeeze his knee. “Giles,” I interrupt. “Shut up.”
“What?”
“Shut your beautiful mouth and let me speak.”
His throat works as he swallows. “Okay.”
“I…” I make sure I have his eyes before I hopefully claim his heart. “I feel the same. I’ve fallen in love with you too.”
He blinks at me and I feel his body tense under my hand which is still gripping his leg fiercely. “You have?”
“Very much so. Ridiculously so. Embarrassingly so.”
“But—”
“My turn to talk,” I interject. “I’ve been stupid too. Really fucking stupid.”
“More stupid than me?” His little laugh sounds brave.
“Oh, yeah. I made up a person.”
He frowns at me. “Who?”
“Mr Speedos,” I wince, “I mean, he exists. There’s a man at my swimming club who wears yellow Speedos but I don’t have a crush on him. Not at all.”
“Then… who…”
I dip my chin at him. “You, Giles, you.”
“I was your first queer crush? I was the reason you wanted to find out if you were bisexual?”
“You are the reason I discovered it about myself. Whether we had done the sex lessons or not, whether or not we ever kissed or touched, I still would have been bisexual. That’s a fact, you just helped me learn it about myself.”
His frown hasn’t completely disappeared. “Why didn’t you just tell me?” he asks in a quiet voice.
“Because…” I pause. I could reveal what I shared with Chloe and Radia, which is the truth. I could try and make him see just how amazing he is and how that’s intimidating, but I know now that’s not the whole story. “Because I didn’t think I was worthy of you.”
“Marcello,” he says and I’ve never heard my name sound so sweet and sad.
“But now I… I think I am. I mean, I know I’m not a perfect ten and I know I have some weird habits that I try to blame on my ADHD but also I suspect some of them are just who I am.
But I’m a good guy, Giles. I work hard. I look after my mother.
I treat my employees well. And my customers.
And I’m trying to improve the quality of my life, and my health.
” I squeeze my stomach but the handful I grab isn’t as thick as it usually is.
For some strange reason I have no time to interrogate, that almost makes me feel a little sad.
“I’m a good friend and even though I haven’t had a ton of experience at it, especially recently, I think I’d make a good boyfriend.
I’d love it if you gave me a try, anyway.
Like, I know that wasn’t the best pitch but I’m not always very good at bigging myself up.
But I’d like to get better at it. I’d like—”
His finger comes to my lips as they still. “Time for you to shut your beautiful mouth and listen to me. You didn’t need to say any of that.” He beams at me, his eyes still very clear and bright. “There’s no doubt in my mind about you being worthy of me. Not a shred of doubt.”
“Then… why didn’t you tell me?”
“I guess because I didn’t feel worthy of you.
” He sighs and looks away again, giving me his side profile and I study the edge of his jaw, noticing the beginning of his evening stubble.
“I used to think the fact I’ve never had a proper relationship was because the men I met weren’t ready for it.
That they just wanted me for sex. But I don’t think that was the case.
I think, sub-consciously, I’ve been avoiding a relationship for a long time because of…
” He clears his throat. “Because of my OCD.
I squeeze his leg again but keep silent, waiting for him to say more.
“I have kept it a secret from everyone, everyone, my whole life and then you picked up on it, and you did it in a way that was so unexpected it sort of took me by surprise. Not only because you did it in this gentle and non-judgemental way but also because you didn’t seem to want to run away from me as soon as you knew.
And that made me realise that that’s exactly what I’ve been afraid of and why I haven’t let people get close to me.
I’ve always thought people would want to leave me if they knew, so I have made that an impossibility. ”
“You’re not afraid that it will push me away?” I ask because I have to know.
“No,” he pins his eyes on me, “but I am terrified that you’ll make me get help for it.”
My laugh is brief but loud. “I only want you to get help for you. It’s clearly something that you’ve managed well enough on your own, but you don’t have to.
You hinted at how tired it makes you. You called it debilitating in front of Tony.
If it’s affecting your quality of life, that’s when I would encourage you to do something about it. ”
He makes a soft humming sound. “Like you did with your fitness.”